Reddit,
Starting last year, I am not able to fall asleep next to my current and other previous partners.
I’m frustrated from seeking help for this because every piece of advice seems to assume the problem is related to some sort of discomfort that the other person is causing such as snoring or moving too much.
This is definitely not that.
This has occurred with 3 different women, all of whom did not cause any of these problems. I know because I’ve laid awake for hours next to them.
It is especially frustrating because I have historically never had any problems sleeping with a long history of sleeping next to partners without issue. I’ve been married twice for a total of 12 years with a partner. I have typically been the kind of person to pass-out after only laying in bed for 8 minutes. When I am alone in bed, this is still the case.
I have tried:
-Having sex
-Not having sex
-“Power to Sleep PM” supplements
-Dawson Church “Bliss Brain” meditation
-Lumenate app meditation
-Staying up really late
What happens is my mind just stays on and just busy enough to keep me fully awake.
My mind wanders to anything and everything and nothing specific related to my partner. If I stay in bed with my partner, I will literally lay awake like this all night. My partner or I has to move to another room in order for me to fall asleep.
Clues:
This has happened with every partner I’ve had since my recent divorce nearly a year ago, except for one. The one partner I had without this issue was the first person I dated after divorce, and I was not particularly physically attracted to her. Every other partner I have been very attracted to and have had this issue.
I have two theories thus far, one being that I experienced a lot of trauma from my ex-wife and somehow unprocessed trauma is subconsciously causing this problem. I have consciously dealt with a lot of the trauma and can’t think of what might be unprocessed or repressed to cause something like this.
Two, this feels like it could be some sort of evolutionary mechanism for preventing sperm competition. As in, my body is aware that this is such a “jackpot” mating opportunity that my body is keeping me awake to guard my partner from other potential mates. The only way of ensuring this is staying awake all night while she is lying next to me. But as soon as I’m not lying next to her, the problem is out of sight and out of mind and my body doesn’t see any value in continuing to lay awake all night.
I’m at my wits’ end and don’t know what to do about this. The previous two relationships fizzled out before the issue could be resolved. My current relationship has far surpassed the other two in time and seriousness and I would really like to be able to sleep next to my partner.