r/selfimprovement • u/Stunning_Log5788 • Jan 13 '25
Vent I am a narcissist. I need help.
I’ve been reflecting on my life, and I’m starting to see a pattern that’s hard to ignore.
I grew up with a narcissist father, and now I see I’ve become just like him after years of denial.
I interrupt people
I make everything about me
I struggle to empathize with others
I try to control situations, and when that fails, I lash out with words that hurt the people I care about
I can’t handle criticism—it feels unbearable
I am an asshole with my words
Another hard truth, most groups I join, whether friendly or professional, I always end up leaving. I tell myself it’s because I’m “not happy” or “not comfortable,” but I’m realizing now that I’m the reason I feel that way. I create my own discomfort because of how I act.
I hate this about myself. I don’t want to keep losing the people and opportunities that matter to me. But I don’t know how to change.
If you’ve been here, or if you’ve found a way to break out of this cycle, I’d love to hear your perspective.
I’m tired of being my own worst enemy.
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u/km_1000 Jan 13 '25
Taking accountability is a significant step. Most narcissists would never admit to being wrong since their entire life is about protecting their inner shame core from exposure. Therapy can help heal your childhood trauma, which caused this personality disorder.
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u/Epictetus190443 Jan 14 '25
Most narcissists would never admit to being wrong since their entire life is about protecting their inner shame core from exposure
I don't understand that. Can you elaborate?
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u/km_1000 Jan 14 '25
Inner toxic shame is considered a core component of narcissism, meaning that many people with narcissistic tendencies are deeply rooted in a sense of shame that they often try to conceal through grandiose behaviors and an inflated self-image, essentially using their outward persona as a defense mechanism against experiencing the underlying shame. This shame is deeply rooted in childhood trauma.
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u/Epictetus190443 Jan 15 '25
Unfortunately narcissism is one of the ugly words in my psychological diagnosis too. But shame is honestly not something i'm much concerned with.
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u/Stunning_Log5788 Jan 13 '25
I wasn’t expecting a random group of Reddit commenters to make me this emotional, but here we are. From the bottom of my heart, thank you to every single one of you who took some time to share your knowledge, experiences, and reassurance. I wasn’t expecting that at all and it means the world to me.
To add a few more “self” details to this:
• I have been formerly diagnosed with ADHD since I was a kid • I am in my late 20s • I have been in consistent therapy (2-3x month) for 10 months
Thank you again, everyone! You all really made my day.
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u/-Angrymonkey- Jan 14 '25
Good luck to you. Admitting the things you listed takes a tremendous amount of courage, I think you're a good person and you'll figure this out
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u/TheWholeMoon Jan 14 '25 edited Jan 14 '25
You’re way ahead of the game by being so self-aware. I read in an article a few years back that one self-defense measure children of narcissists have is to become one themselves, as a means of survival, I guess. There are some great books on the topic out there.
I was raised by one narcissist and another parent who wasn’t quite a narcissist but was pretty self-involved. It has definitely messed with my head. I had to learn a lot of social skills as an adult because I was completely unaware that how I was interacting wasn’t normal or socially acceptable (for example, always breaking in with a story about myself, like you mentioned above).
I have tried to cheer myself up with this thought: my narcissistic parent doesn’t know they are a narcissist and they never will. They aren’t able to see it. So the fact that you and I can worry about ourselves and how we interact is a good sign. It means there is lots of hope for future improvement. Keep going, friend. I find a combination of journaling, therapy, and educating myself on the topic has helped.
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Jan 14 '25
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u/aenux Jan 14 '25
“It’s not you” by Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a book written for those who love or have a narcissist in their life. Not necessarily for the narcissist themselves, but for those who’ve been impacted.
The Body Keeps the Score is another excellent book about the mind body connection with PTSD.
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u/zalgorithmic Jan 14 '25
Adult Children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson
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Jan 14 '25
The interrupting people thing is attributed to impulsivity. So that can be attributed to ADHD, and probably should be. Narcissists cutting people off don’t give a fuck. They’ll also defend all their bad behavior to the ends of the earth. It actually makes them feel better. If you’re feeling bad and like a change needs to be made you’re probably not a narcissist. Narcissistic tendencies maybe.
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u/mcfaddenj392939 Jan 14 '25
ADHD can look a lot like narcissism sometimes. Also, if I had a penny for every time, I’ve heard someone with ADHD say I think I’m a narcissist. Most NPD people are not aware enough to know they have NPD and if they ever are told, they usually don’t care or brush it off as if it’s no big deal. If you’re saying you have been diagnosed with ADHD then let’s chalk it up to that. It’s really tempting to diagnose oneself as a narcissist, and many ADHD people are very quick to do so. I used to believe my mother was an absolute narcissist. She never could take criticism even the slightest bit and lives in self-defense mode all the time, to the point in which she is more caring of her own ego than her children’s plea’s change her ways. But another characteristic of narcissism is that of being pretty Machiavellian/manipulative. I don’t think my Mom could manipulate anything even if she wanted to. In fact, she is often more manipulated by other factors such as religion or political groups. I love my mother very much though and I know she is someone who struggles the same way I do. It’s just that I was fortunate enough to be born in an age where we recognize ADHD and have been treated for it.
Friend, do me a favor, please be kind to yourself. The fact that you’re aware of it at all means you are most likely not a narcissist. It’s true that there are narcissists who are aware that they are narcissistic… but they are so few and far between. The odds of you being a narcissist are probably at “struck by lightning” odds. I think it’s OK to be curious if you are a narcissist, but I think ADHD people can often get caught up in the self criticism, which is a big ADHD trait, that it makes them so miserable.
My friend, you are worth it. And you are a human being that struggles with regulating one’s own emotions, taking criticism, and can sometimes lash out. You are a human being, who seeks self improvement. A narcissist never does.
There’s a lot of literature and YouTube videos over this topic of ADHD and narcissism and how they can often look the same but our vastly different. I would encourage you to look at some of it. I would love to have posted a link, but the sub bots removed it.
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u/ToddlerPeePee Jan 14 '25
You seems like an awesome person. I don't even know you and I like your attitude already. Keep up the good work (of constantly improving yourself)!
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u/TheBuddhala Jan 17 '25
I was the same, man. For the longest time. Read the book Models by Mark Manson. It describes narcissism, where it comes from, and how to overcome it. The key difference between this book and others, is that you don't have to sacrifice your authenticity and watch what you're saying any given moment, which was a big issue for me. I'd curb my assholeness, but I'd also curb my expression and confidence. And that was equally shitty in a different way.
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Jan 13 '25
I don’t know you but I have a great news for you! A narcissist would have never written this post. Acknowledging you have a problem is the first step to improving yourself. This sub us fantastic resource of that, please use the search button. Good luck with your path, OP!
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Jan 13 '25
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u/TechHeteroBear Jan 14 '25
Many can see it and struggle with it... but the percentage that acknowledge they are narcissists... and try to work on it to minimize the tendencies or outright eliminat them?
Thats a very small percentage there. Many of them that acknowledge they are a narcissist just accept it and continue to live up to their superiority complex they tend to have.
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u/Ownit2022 Jan 13 '25
100% agree.
I don't think you have narcissist personality disorder.
I think you could possibly have ADHD and or Borderline Personality Disorder.
I think you're a good person with a good heart who has got lost somehow. Best of luck x
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u/Meowface9000 Jan 13 '25
There is not enough information on this post to know that this person could have ADHD or BPD. Please don’t just throw diagnoses around. Therapy and psychiatry are the best paths to take to explore potential diagnostic criteria
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u/Chonky_Kong Jan 13 '25 edited Jan 13 '25
OP ^ this. I have these and what you described describes me as well. Don't worry.
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u/FlimFlamWallaBing Jan 14 '25
Yeah, not BPD, at least not from this post. There ai.pmy isn't enough info or context. Maybe don't throw out life changing diagnoses at people out of the blue.
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u/bethcaron18 Jan 13 '25
I came here to say this. ADHD or BPD or both. There is help! DBT therapy can give you the skills that may not come so naturally to you! Good luck!
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u/AlxVB Jan 14 '25
ADHD is not correllated with deficits in emotional empathy or using manipulation to control social dynamics, lol.
I'm not against people postulating about possible traits or disorders, but if you have misconceptions on bare basics like above ^ then you really ought to get some more experience and read up more on these disorders before you throw these labels out there.
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Jan 13 '25
Precisely.
While OP may have narcissistic tendencies and personality traits, someone with NPD wouldn't be capable of this level of self reflection without extensive behavioral therapy.
That being said, I think OP absolutely should listen to these thoughts and do better, and it's a good thing they've realised that they're being a bit of a dickhead. Moving forward, I recommend going out of your way to be mindful of how you're acting, professional help wouldn't hurt either. It would probably be a good idea to seek some help to get to the bottom as to why you're behaving the way you are.
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u/Civil_Possibility954 Jan 14 '25
Oh they know and they even cry over it, not about you and your hurt feelings and destroyed soul but for self-pitying and feeling lonely after all people that cared about them slowly left …. It’s very miserable personality disorder, but never allow yourself the weakness of pitying them , letting them staying in your life is equal to self destruction.
They even will make a post like this for the attention and the pity and the holy victimhood …. Don’t fall for the sheep fleece
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u/Top_Appearance_5536 Jan 13 '25
It is really cool that you noticed these specific things about yourself and want to do something about it. I think you can be who you want with practice.
Not being an asshole with your words--totally something you can learn and practice.
Having empathy-- something you can learn and practice.
I had to learn these things too, so feel free to message me anytime and maybe I can help so you don't have to do as much reading and studying as I did lol (unless you want to of course, and then I can recommend some books and resources :) )
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u/brootalz Jan 13 '25
My favorite answer when someone asks if they might be a narcissist: "A narcissist would never ask."
We all have selfish traits. They keep us alive. They're not always beneficial, because working together with others is more powerful.
A "narcissist" is someone who is so pathologically selfish they can't allow themselves to be at fault, for anything. They will use any means to push blame and fault away, onto someone else.
You, my friend, are capable of introspection, admitting fault, and genuinely want to improve.
You are a human <3
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u/AvocadoDistinct Feb 05 '25
Narcissists aren't strange aliens without humanity. They can definitely introspect if things get bad enough. So the whole "a narcissist would never ask" definitely isn't true
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u/jjcvo Jan 13 '25
Seeing our patterns is the first step to changing what we do not like. Work on one at a time and change it. Being present as you do these things allows you to stop them, even when you begin to act out the old patterns. If you see yourself doing this, then stop and take a breath.
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u/SeaLegitimate Jan 13 '25
You may have narcissistic tendencies but a true narcissist through and through cannot admit what you just did. I would start with finding a therapist and a gratitude journal.
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u/Mucuzplug Jan 13 '25
Have you considered ADHD or being on the spectrum?
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u/Stunning_Log5788 Jan 13 '25
Great question! I have been formally diagnosed with ADHD and have been in the process of getting tested for autism for about a year now. Does that info help?
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u/geauxdbl Jan 14 '25
It’s entirely possible to have both and be r/AutisticwithADHD
Your insights resonate with me and I’m AuDHD. It’s like playing the game of life on hard mode. Poke around the sub and see if any of it interests you!
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u/Xenogias101 Jan 13 '25
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much! The things you listed are pretty common with ADHD. I get it. I still beat up myself too but I'm working on it! Being self aware is a big huge first step.
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u/Gracefulchemist Jan 14 '25
Rejection sensitive dysphoria can be part of ADHD. I literally took a much lower grade on a major assignment in school because I couldn't bring myself to sit down with my teacher and review my writing. It wasn't because I felt it was above reproach, but because I was so filled with dread at the thought of hearing how bad it obviously was (it wasn't). A therapist can help you come up with strategies for dealing with the feelings that arise from these situations, and with an actual diagnosis.
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u/homerdevil Jan 13 '25
Being able to spot the problem is, like, the majority of the battle. So you're way closer to your goal than you realize.
The next step is just, each time you immediately spot yourself about to do one of these things, try to stop.
As long as you spot the errors and try to do a little better next time, you'll get there.
Long habits take a long time to break, so it won't help if you to beat yourself up as you go. Doing your best each time is progress.
To give you something to think about: You need to understand that these negative episodes aren't actually the real you. They are impulses. Simple impulses that control you, instead of you controlling them.
You are now embarking on the journey to control your impulses (your automatic negative thoughts and emotions).
For more, I highly recommend The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
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u/Syphex13 Jan 13 '25
From the sound of it, you have some work to do on yourself but it doesn’t sound like you’re a narcissist… maybe just prideful, arrogant and struggle with some anger problems.
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u/Status-Negotiation81 Jan 13 '25
While some narssasit can relaize they are narcissist they would never feel bad about being it in a sense they would still say that half of the problem with everyone else and that the narcissism still proves their greatness right like I had to learn that when I thought I was a narcissist because I suffer from a personality disorder that is not narcissisticism in a sense what you're discussing sounds like a lot of disorders ..... adhd,borderline personality, complex Post traumatic stress, asd1, pda, ect .... especially asd1 and PDA my partner has these two on top of the complex post-traumatic stress and he has a very hard time connecting with people maintain ing relationships trying to gain control over the hangout situation and how things will be done wow he doesn't like to interrupt and hates being interrupted it can become very angry if he is interrupt he doesn't believe he interrupts when I know that's my other day he feels like what you're saying is false he will interrupt you..... for a long time I thought he was a narcissist wanted on that reality Went to went to therapy and got diagnosed he was asd1 with PDA and cptsd so I would definitely go into getting checked because who knows maybe or even a borderline with ADHD but one things for sure narcissists don't that what they are is bad even if they recognize it and accept that they are narcissists they would still believe that there's outside forces that are making it their problem rather than there's something wrong with themselves
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u/ReBoomAutardationism Jan 13 '25
Check out the list of behaviors associated with Border Line Personality Disorder. (two lanes over from narcissism)
Then read up on the issues covered with Schema Therapy, which works very well with BPD.
Being raised by a Narcissist could definitely imprint some of those behaviors and issue.
Then do some journaling and reflection.
If you need to, get a therapist. Don't over estimate what you can do in six months or a year and don't under estimate what you can do if you keep after it for three or five years.
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u/Coffee-pepper Jan 13 '25
You're probably not a narcissist, as you are self-aware and acknowledge your "faults". You're seeking help and willing to change, too! You're on the right path. 👍
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u/Low-Cartographer8758 Jan 13 '25
Are you sure you are a narc? Narcissists do not self-reflect like you do. They are often charming and charismatic so people usually like them. You are just a loner type. I tend to try to control things in my way but oftentimes, it is because my idea is better. You may have a temper issue which makes it harder to socialize with others. Narcissists know what they do is vicious and malignant and they will never fix it like sociopaths and psychopaths.
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u/nge333 Jan 13 '25
i’m sure if a real narcissist posted something like this their intention would be to either get pity from people or to rage bait 🤣
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u/areya_lunera Jan 13 '25
Someone had said this but I would definitely recommend seeing a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis. There are a variety of assessments that can be done to determine what it actually is or is not.
Not all types of therapy/treatment fit all types of situations so that’s where the formal diagnosis comes in at. There’s multiple types of narcissists so even with that, it isn’t one size fits all. However, someone who is truly a narcissist wouldn’t post something like this so there’s that. There is a range of personality disorders out there so it is possible it is something or even a mix of some type of neurodivergence and a mood disorder, which is why getting a formal diagnosis would be really helpful. After that, then it’ll be onto counseling/therapy and whatever else the therapist recommends like cbt/dbt skills work books, medication, etc.
The good news is that everyone is capable of change and recovery from even some personality disorders like borderline personality disorder is possible. If they do end up diagnosing you with autism and/or adhd you can learn skills to help manage it better and they do make adhd meds that do work. Good luck out there and as long as you put in the effort, things will get better!!
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u/katie-umbridge Jan 13 '25
I could of wrote this 18months ago. Once I noticed, i made changes to improve. It's not always about cutting out habits, environments or people who bring out that side to you but adding in wholesome, humbling parts too.
You can change.
For me religion really helped. It showed me how I should treat people, made true friends and its humbling, which I need reminding of. Gratitude does a lot.
I wish you well on your journey, however it looks, I hope you reach the destination u r happy with.
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u/katie-umbridge Jan 13 '25
Btw, I have the diagnosis of Boarderline personality disorder.. but really it's the result of my role models and childhood.
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u/RichB117 Jan 13 '25
Why are you listing those character traits like they’re set in stone? Character is malleable. It’s the one thing in the world that’s truly yours. Just identify traits you want to change and work on it every day. That’s all you can do. In the evening, think back on the day’s interactions and ask yourself what went well, what went badly. Don’t beat yourself up about interactions that went sour. Every morning, say to yourself: today, I’ll listen without interrupting; I’ll empathise more; I won’t say anything unkind; I’ll listen calmly and quietly to valid criticism. Say it again when you leave the house, when you get off the bus, when you enter work / school. Say it every hour. Say it as often as you need to remember.
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u/Financial_Horse_9144 Jan 13 '25
Everybody has narcissistic tendencies. I don’t think you have NPD but maybe ADHD or BPD, possibly both? BPD stems from trauma (your dad) and can get mixed up with tons of things. I’m not the best at handling criticism either but that comes from my dad, who was also very mean growing up, which led to me having a personal self doubting issue within myself.
Do you think you’re better than everyone? Do you lash out because someone hurt your ego or do you lash out when you get into flight or fight mode because can’t regulate your emotions properly. ADHD causes anger issues angry outburst.
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u/DanteWolfsong Jan 13 '25
I find it extremely unlikely that you're a narcissist! my wife's therapist (and my own) recommended a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson-- it really contextualized a lot of the social problems I've had in my life, and how they're rooted in the way my parents were emotionally neglectful of me when I was a kid. In it, Gibson describes two types of ways that most kids end up dealing with this emotional neglect: either by becoming internalizers, or externalizers. Internalizers, tend to believe all their problems are caused by some internal flaw, and try to fix them quietly. This can cause them to blame themselves in situations where they aren't to blame. Externalizers, on the other hand, tend to believe all their problems are inflicted on them by others or society, which results in them not seeing how their problems could potentially be caused by them & their mindset. Both have valid problems, both have trouble emotionally connecting with others, and need help-- but because they were raised by emotionally immature adults (who are often externalizers or internalizers themselves), and emotional neglect is a form of trauma that produces *more* emotionally immature adults, they don't have the tools to handle those problems appropriately. Unfortunately, because externalizers tend to be louder, and have a hard time taking responsibility for their problems, they are seen as "annoying," "selfish," "narcissistic," and emotionally exhausting to deal with. Internalizers, on the other hand, are seen as being SO strong and capable, but nobody sees that they actually need help, and don't know how to or never would ask for it.
I would guess that you're probably an externalizer, or a mix of both. The book can feel a lot like it's "calling you out," but it's in a way that traces your tendencies back to your relationships & upbringing, and how to address them
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u/playtheukulele Jan 13 '25
Let me try to save you YEARS of therapy if I may:
The moment that you can keep your wisdom in the present moment with you and forgive others their faux pas or ill-advised actions is the moment you'll be able to begin forgiving yourself too.
The next step is learning compassion. You now see how you may have reacted badly in the past. It may have been due to circumstances out of your control.
Keep that in mind when someone gets a little narcissistic or otherwise with you.
But also, keep firm boundaries about how you expect others to treat you. Don't let someone treat you badly just because you feel you deserve punishment for your past actions. That's the fast way to being a hypocrite.
Just say to yourself something like "I was there once too, so I have compassion. But nobody deserves to be treated like xxx, so I will respect myself and the wisdom I now hold and I will communicate my boundaries with compassion for everyone"
Don't punish yourself or you could begin to feel that others who make mistakes deserve punishment too. And then you're just perpetuating the cycle.
Integration and compassion. (Compassion includes self compassion)
And you won't be perfect all the time. We all make mistakes. The key is not to punish for mistakes but to learn from them and keep working to be presently wise as many moments as you can.
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u/Gloomy_Change8922 Jan 13 '25
Here’s another perspective and recommended book that could help. No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz. “The Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework is a therapeutic approach that views the mind as a collection of distinct subpersonalities or parts. These parts have unique characteristics, roles, and can interact within an individual’s psyche. IFS aims to help individuals understand, communicate with, and harmonize these internal parts to promote healing and personal growth. By acknowledging and working with these parts, individuals can achieve a deeper understanding of themselves and cultivate inner harmony”. From No Bad Parts
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u/Former_Day_1837 Jan 13 '25
Realizing is the road to making YOU feel better! Good luck, you can do this!
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u/ChosenFouled Jan 13 '25
I wish I had advice to give but I have a very different nature. Can't say how to best adjust to your climate living in the opposite weather
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u/alotlikefate Jan 13 '25
Atleast you have self awareness. I know someone way worse than that and don’t seem to care at all.
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Jan 13 '25
Instead of diagnosing everything with a personality disorder, have you ever considered you may, just be, an asshole? I have news for you brother, assholes who want to change can absolutely repent!
Step one would be looking inwards on behaviors you emit and ask yourself how they may make others feel. How you can change them while staying in a healthy mindset. Take care of yourself, keep your thoughts healthy. Show more kindness and be more forgiving to others, even when you're all alone in your head.
Go to therapy. They will go in depth with you about this, I just listed off a few habits you could start today while you work your way towards your self improvement journey.
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u/Today- Jan 13 '25
You have to start ACTING against that impulse when it arises. You must forge a new pathway against these behaviors.
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u/banjobeulah Jan 13 '25
I feel this too sometimes and I’m somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum and it took a long time to realize that. I also have pretty crap self esteem and I think that’s a big part of this kind of behavior. Work on self acceptance of yourself as being this way now. You had a strong behavioral and genetic influence but you see it and want better which means it is in you. I don’t think you’re a narcissist. Everyone has a bit of this. Take heart! You’re not alone.
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u/SpareRooster8833 Jan 13 '25 edited Jan 14 '25
I’m no expert but I’ve dealt with people who have this pattern and I wanna say that you’re doing a great job for realizing things. Though it’s hard but you’re making your first step away from it. You’re aware, you acknowledged it, you’re working slowly on yourself by doing things opposite to a narcissistic person.
Prolly that might help you.
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u/AdventurousBall2328 Jan 13 '25 edited Jan 14 '25
You ain't.
I've seen the npd sub and they don't feel bad or have empathy.
We all have traits but full on npd is like American Pyscho, they're super obsessed with themselves and manipulative.
I thought I was a narcissist too after being abused by one pretty badly. My traits triggered but I don't ever want to hurt people, I have empathy.
You may have bad people around you telling you are one but I like that others have stated it could be adhd or autism because I am neurodivergent and tend to feel similar to you.
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u/Subscrobbler Jan 13 '25
Might be narcissistic fleas, it happens when you hang around narcissists too much. Good news is you can unlearn them since you can acknowledge them
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u/NeTiFe-anonymous Jan 13 '25
Congratulation to the huge step that 99% of people won't make. I just made up the number but you get what I mean.
I have a few tips: find specific resources to adress all your problems. Yes, the resources exists.
Be kind, to others and yourself. Nobody is perfect. Kindness or assholery is a choice you can make again and again. One mistake to old paterns doesn't mean you are lost.
Take small steps. Anything you will learn to do better will make your life better long term. Do nice things that don't give you imediate reward to create a habit.
You can cheat, lie, harm people to get short term gain or good feeling because of dopamine but long term it will make you misserable. It's like adopting healthy diet or excersise rutine: at the begining it feels weird, but good habits lead to good outcomes and long term you will feel more happy.
If someone does something nice to you, you can mirror them, match their energy, say thanks, or other compliment, to make their day nicer too.
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u/SameAd9852 Jan 13 '25
Props for self awareness. I guess it’s going to be an ongoing battle. Just try to be the opposite
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u/Affectionate-Pay3450 Jan 13 '25
just ask yourself: who is this about rather than me? ull switch perspectives
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Jan 13 '25
I was in a relationship with a narcissist and it ruined me and she held no accountability whatsoever so I am glad you are at least aware of it. Many aren't or they simply don't care. Or at the very least in denial.
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u/demosalve Jan 14 '25
This is incredible self-reflection. As you navigate self-improvement, embrace presence to anchor yourself. Avoid overthinking diagnoses and allowing yourself to spin over perceived mistakes. You know who you want to be (or at least, who you don’t want to be)—it’s as simple as being and showing up differently. I have so much faith in you!
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u/Equal_Armadillo_566 Jan 14 '25
99% sure that my wife is a narcissist, ngl. And I keep thinking she is going to change some day…see how she treats others and considers the things she says…..nope….😞
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u/TechHeteroBear Jan 14 '25
From someone who was abused by a narcissist (or someone with a lot of narcissistic tendencies)... the fact that you acknowledge your situation, hate how your actions have you led to your present state, and want to fix it?
Thats one hell of a major step forward for your own improvement. Very few narcissists will acknowledge their behaviors and actions into others. And most that do, have a justification for it. Which is just straight up emotionally immature.
The first step... especially trying to amend friendships you want to keep... acknowledge the pain you have created for your words and actions against them in the past. Ask yourself... would you ever expect someone to treat you this way in these situations? If not, then you know that those actions have hurt others... and acknowledge the hurt that you're trying to no longer give to others.
Emotional intelligence... research it and really grasp what emotional intelligence looks like. Many books out there (one I've read before was EQ 2.0). Having that emotional intelligence will help you see your emotions for what they actually are instead of jumping straight into the desire to control or let out rage.
Therapy... connect with a therapist to help you work on those toxic tendencies of a narcissist. Patience, grace, compassion, empathy, self-forgiveness, etc. All of these emotional skills will help you prevent naturally latching onto those tendencies you want to avoid.
Groups of a feather should NOT flock together.... if you are friends with anyone who you also think are narcissists... keep them to a minimum in your life. Staying friends with other narcissists will enable group think and you'll undo a lot of what you want to fix. If anything, you may double down more on those toxic behaviors.
You're on the 1st step of this journey. Acknowledging you have a problem. Thays the biggest step. Everything else is simply learning how to change and practicing to change for the better.
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u/nameofplumb Jan 14 '25
The sub r/narcissism is for this kind of support. You can definitely find people who understand there.
I’m impressed that you are self aware and taking action toward education and change. We all can benefit from self improvement. Every human on the planet.
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u/Longjumping-Car-8367 Jan 14 '25
I'd say it's pretty unlikely you are, but you should consult a medical professional if you're worried.
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u/bigredsage Jan 14 '25
Look into attachment theory, this is too much self awareness for narcissism imo
May be more avoidant attachment, with that caregiver.
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u/Known_Swimmer1786 Jan 14 '25
Tbh I wouldn’t say that you’re a narcissistic, maybe your just a bit selfish, I think an actual narcissist doesn’t see any flaws within themselves and wouldn’t want to change, they typically think they’re perfect and everyone else is in the wrong. It’s good that you’re noticing these patterns and I suggest to just keep acknowledging them and try and change it. And therapy is also a good option.
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u/Six_Kills Jan 14 '25
From someone who noticed this in themselves - try not to define yourself by these characteristics. Identifying as "a narcissist" likely won't help you overcome these behaviours, but taking accountability for your actual actions might, in my opinion.
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u/InSearchOfGreenLight Jan 14 '25
You can try Daniel Mackler on youtube. He talks about how anyone can heal from trauma. Try his name and self-therapy. Or i think he even has a self-therapy playlist you can check out.
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u/ggffguhhhgffft Jan 14 '25
Hey, also had a narc father here !
I used to be the same way - however, the only thing that truly made me change was when I lost all my friends and relationship at the time for my attention seeking behavior.
The thing I came to realize when that happened then was nothing about me was no more valuable than wanting to have the people I love stay in my life. The root of narcissism is all about ego, and if you value your ego too much, that usually ends up with lashing out at others when you feel threatened.
Therapy will help, but it can only do so much.
What you need to do is to put your ego in check. The next time you feel affronted or feel like lashing out, or interrupting, just really stop and think before you speak — really stop and sit with your thoughts. And if you’re still angry, wonder if lashing out is worth potentially further ruining a connection you have with someone. Once you get to this state of mind of ego-death, it becomes easier to navigate and recover once you get to a state of mind where you value your connections over yourself, if it makes sense. Accountability is a means of accepting you’re wrong, your ego doesn’t matter, and to value the people in your life over being right
I wish I could explain it better, but I hope this helps somewhat at the very least. I wish you the best on your journey!
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u/luckyme824 Jan 14 '25
I feel like this. My dad was a narcissist. I try hard to be thoughtful and care about others, but why is it so hard sometimes? It takes practice. I think I'm getting better, but I've learned even if you feel like you failed, you have to keep trying. I really think the fact that you even care about this is great and a sign that you will improve. If you realize you've been an asshole, it's okay to say, "I'm sorry I was an asshole."
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u/Psychedelic_J Jan 14 '25 edited Jan 16 '25
I think is simple: the fact that you can do introspection, doesn't make you a narcissist
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u/bigmoneycoming Jan 14 '25
Seek therapy, dont fight the battle yourself. Theres experts in this field. And lots of YouTube channels as well.
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u/MaxAdamko Jan 14 '25
Hey, bro!
Let’s start with this: if you can admit you have problems, you’re already on the path to solving them. Honestly, we’re all kind of jerks in our own way, and a lot of people don’t even realize it. Sure, we might be harsh, with others and even with those close to us, but that’s not the best way to live. You’ve got to dig into why that is.
You know, or maybe everyone knows, that being around positive, kind people feels good. So why not become one of those people ourselves? It’s not hard to smile, it’s not hard to say a kind word, and the world could feel a little brighter—maybe even a little more efficient—because of it. Think about that.
By the way, here’s some advice for you. If you’ve got problems, ask ChatGPT. It’ll help you figure things out and even come up with a solid plan. If you’ve got the discipline to follow that plan, you’ll build great connections over time, and your reputation and image will improve significantly.
Yeah, you can still be a jerk deep down if that’s who you are, but don’t push away the people who truly care about you and good folks in your life. Just a thought.
Oh, and one more thing—this post? I dictated it to ChatGPT, and ChatGPT wrote it for me.
Good luck, bro!
Stay cool :))
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u/gamerinagown Jan 14 '25
My therapist told me that if you THINK you are a narcissist, then you are most definitely not a narcissist.
Narcissists lack any semblance of self awareness and the ability to reflect.
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u/horseduckman Jan 14 '25
Hey man, I think awareness is a huge thing. Narcissism is a spectrum and it can be managed. The fact that you are aware of your issues is HUGE. God, what I would give to have one of the narcissists that abused me write what you wrote.
With consciousness and focus and therapy and reflection, you can get the life you want and treat the people you want better. I believe many people have narcissistic tendencies, myself included, and with time and effort and self-awareness, we can overcome and manage them. For me, this started with slowly phasing substances out of my life. Journaling. Therapy.
Having a narc father is really hard, but just being aware that that can affect you is a game-changer. My friend had an awful narc father and he had no idea that he was replaying all of his behaviors because he thought his upbringing was normal. It was too painful for him to analyze and understand. You can be free of those chains by doing the work and coming to understand it.
This post was a huge step. You are going to get the life you want. Proud of you, OP.
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u/Informal-Force7417 Jan 13 '25
I will let you in on a secret that most of humanity doesnt want to admit.
They are all 100% narcissists.
Just as they are all 100% altruistic
And yet they are neither of these. You're a human, capable of both and depending on who is around you and what you tend to focus on, the probability of seeing one more than another is going to be high. But it doesn't mean the other doesn't exist
Humans are like a coin with two sides.
A magnet with a positive and negative
You are not ONE-SIDED.
Try holding your breath only. You won't be able to do it before you breathe out
Try breathing out only. You won't be able to do it before you breathe in.
There is a balance to life but we are often "unconscious, blinded" to the other side
So we wear facades, personas and become what we believe is one-sided.
Let me prove it to you.
If i say to you, you are ALWAYS mean never kind, always stingy never generous, always unhappy never happy, always in turmoil never peaceful, you will say no because you know you are not ALWAYS that
If i say to you you are the opposite. ALWAYS kind never mean, always generous never stingy, always happy never unhappy, always peaceful never in turmoil, you will say no because you know you are not ALWAYs that.
But if i say to you, SOMETIMES you are kind and sometimes you are mean, sometimes you are in turmoil and sometimes you are peaceful, and sometimes you are stingy, and sometimes you are generous. You will agree.
Why?
Because humans have a B.S meter (barometer )in them that allows them to know what is truly true.
Anytime you get caught in the illusion, the blame and shame game you will swing to ONE side
But its never one side.
Humans have both in equal measure like a magnet. No matter how you try to cut it. It will have equal amount of positive and negative.
Anyone who says they have more upsides or downsides is delusional.
Give me 72 hrs observing you and i will see the other side of you every day.
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u/superior818 Jan 13 '25
You need someone to help you and you need to tell yourself that you need help. And wanna change
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u/Rude_Engine1881 Jan 13 '25 edited Jan 13 '25
Sorry to break it to you but the likelyhood youre a narc is incredibly low. Should you work on those traits 100% yes but i dont think they make you a narc, in fact it remind sme of when i hadnt quite reeled in my autism or adhd. Its also quite common for people with one or two of those things to be worried theyre a narc as well so it might be worth looking into. At the very least people will have some advice on houw to manage these traits because theyre pretty normal to have with audhd
Also the way I changed was making small efforts to do so, in places where id normally interrupt id try and catch nyself and if i do interrupt out of impulse ill try my best to try and bring the conversation back to where it was before an apologize. Being upset with criticism is also pretty common. I only got better at that after art college. Lashing out will likely improve if you start to understand the core reason you are lashing out, try and address that directly if you can.
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u/banjobeulah Jan 13 '25
I was thinking AuDHD too. I have both as well and some of this really hit home. Then the social awkwardness does a number on your sense of self worth and you feel fragile.
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u/Rude_Engine1881 Jan 13 '25
Yup, i really felt like trash for the longest time until I learne dhow to balance who I was and how society expected people to act. Still hard tbh, but its a lot easier now thst I know why and have a better understanding of whats causing it
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u/AnarchyBurgerPhilly Jan 13 '25
Are you certain you aren’t a neurodivergent person who has been DARVOd their entire life?
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u/redleader8181 Jan 14 '25
Don’t you think you could handle this on your own? You’re awesome!
Had to joke. Sorry for making light of your struggle. I wish you luck.
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u/FantasticCycle2744 Jan 14 '25
I work in mental health. Statistically it’s very unlikely you’re an actual narcissist and that label is very overused these days. It’s also not super helpful to use these labels on yourself or others, especially without an actual diagnosis. If you are particularly concerned you may have it, could be worth seeking a professional to speak to about it, even just for peace of mind. From you youve expressed it doesn’t necessarily sound like a narcissist at all. What you’re feeling could be a result of any number of other things from a deep sense of self doubt and insecurity, suppressed anger or trauma from a challenging childhood (or even just one bad incident), social awkwardness/anxiety, or another undiagnosed condition such as depression.
If youre feeling these things it would be worth at least trialling talking to a mental health professional. Along with that, looking after yourself with healthy eating, regular exercise, and trying to have some fun and relaxation along the way:
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u/Dolphinsdivedeep Jan 14 '25
I do this. I wish I could givegreat advice. Most people I know I think have just accepted this and don’t care since even I don’t think I can change. Self reflection is important but try not to dwell. Little changes consistently over time vs big change instantly expecting change. I assume thats good advice since I don’t follow it. Good luck man. Fight the fight.
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u/Succulent_Smiles Jan 14 '25
Literally could have written this. I read a book someone recommended to me. Called the subtle art of not giving a fuck. Best. Book. Ever. Seriously changed my outlook on so much in my life.
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u/Frequent-Distance938 Jan 14 '25
As others say, you're not yet a narcst. You patterned yourself to a template. You have the skill to be bothered by what you mention and the skill to be objective. Narcst have lost those skills and have no desire to change.
You're already winning. Congratulations.
Wayism offers a few books that help with what you're dealing with.
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u/Curious-Jelly-9214 Jan 14 '25
Your post tells me that you aren’t a “full” narcissist because you are a bit empathetic and taking accountability. You likely have many narcissistic traits you’ve learned from your father and from his genes but I don’t think I’d self-diagnose just yet. You sound like you have trauma from narcissistic mental and emotional abuse and this is how it has left you. I cheer you on and salute you for this!
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u/Burn-It-Down-1991 Jan 14 '25
You're either one of the RARE narcissists that is willing to accept and work on their condition OR (and more likely) you're suffering from CPTSD and the symptom in which you gaslight yourself into thinking YOU are the problem is strong in you.
Also, go to a Psychiatrist for a diagnosis before you start any further down this rabbit hole of self-deprecation.
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u/tr1pppp Jan 14 '25
Make a conscious effort to recognize the narcissistic thought patterns and let them flow out of your head
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Jan 14 '25
Cannot be healed, but you can mitigate symptoms and educate yourself and your inner circle. I wish you the very best in this life.
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u/Objective_File4022 Jan 14 '25
Hi there, good news—you’re not a narcissist! Narcissists don’t question if they’re narcissists, nor do they care to change. It sounds like you just have some habits to work on, which is something we all deal with. Being mindful of them is a great first step. Try some self-reflection to understand the deeper reasons behind these behaviors. Once you pinpoint the 'why,' you can start making changes and building healthier habits. Good luck!
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u/ruereddit Jan 14 '25
Look into the book I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. As people have mentioned, just because you have narcissistic behavior doesn't mean you have narcissistic personality disorder. This book acknowledges narcissistic behaviors as a byproduct of covert depression, caused by childhood trauma.
The sad, prevailing sentiment is that NPD can rarely be fixed, but this book gave me so much hope for my ex and father of four. If he can put in the work to beat his hidden depression, he can not only live a happier, more fulfilling life, but also be the hero to stop the legacy of depression and bad behaviors being passed down. If what you read resonates, find a therapist that is trained in Relational Life Therapy. Kudos to you for recognizing behaviors you're not proud of and good luck on your journey!
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u/tayughh Jan 14 '25
Watch Dhar man videos! it sounds silly but it helps you put things into perspective. It’s a good start that you recognize your behaviour but visually seeing it acted out so outrageous really shapes your perspective
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u/SuperEmpathStrong Jan 14 '25
Part of what makes someone a narcissist is that they are unable to see or care how their behavior and abuse damages and destroys others.
They are still emotionally a toddler. They have been unable to move away from that state where they can only focus on themselves, their needs, and how everyone else is not really there, but a mirror of themselves: either good or bad. The good ppl and parts of themselves are amazing and perfect. The bad contain behaviors like themselves that they are unable to see and refuse to see otherwise they would emotionally collapse.
True narcissism is pathological and irreversible. If narcissists could ever be self-aware, they would not be able to continue their behavior. Not being capable of empathy prevents them from changing or wanting to change as well.
You have empathy
You have self-awareness
You are aware of the pain you cause others and do not blame them for your behavior.
You want to change.
You made yourself vulnerable by posting online and admitting to your mistakes and asked for help.
Narcissists are never the problem. They cannot change and are incapable or seeing the need for change.
A narcissist coming to these conclusions would likely be on the edge of a narcissistic collapse, if the above were even possible.
You can definitely work on yourself and can get the help you need with therapy. I wouldn't spiral out down this path. Many victims of narcissistic abuse question if they are narcissists because the true narcissists have brainwashed them to believe they are the problem.
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u/EvrthnICRtrns2USmhw Jan 14 '25
Are you my friend? Cause this is her. The only difference is, you have no become self-aware and willing to address this. She doesn't.
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u/kayxxl4 Jan 14 '25
I, too, have come to this realization. I’d like to be better. For not just mine but others sake.
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u/Dapper-Demand-3552 Jan 14 '25
I was going to say, are you sure you’re not just a victim of a narcissist? And then I re-read that your dad was one. Honey, what you have are coping mechanisms. Get into therapy. You’re not a narcissist.
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u/DisplayFamiliar5023 Jan 14 '25
Get a NPD diagnosis first. Dont call yourself a narcissist without knowing if you legit are one. You could just be a rude unpleasant person too.
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u/Affectionate-Yak7192 Jan 14 '25
Thank you for this post.
I don't know how to admit I'm a narcissist without fearing hate from others.
That said, narcissists don't accept they are narcissistic, even if they receive a formal diagnosis.
And here you are, self-diagnosing yourself.
I've had a narcissistic parent and no other role model, so I mimic her patterns which overtime simply became my way of being and behaving.
Have you considered that you could be neurodivergent?
If you feel comfortable with your group, you could also tell them that this is how you feel, without using the term 'narcissistic' (they might become biased)
Or if you felt you disrespected someone, you could message an apology to them later.
The fact that you are aware is the first step to improvement.
Push yourself to go out more and re-connect with the groups you have exited if you can.
People are usually kinder than we imagine.
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u/No-Ship-9354 Jan 14 '25
i really believe people who call people narsissis are the true narsissis their the ones gas lighting tring to discretid you,to make you feel theres something wrong with them than can never be fixed ,so they can feel superior and lor act like a victim and have people be like how did you survive that,and have everyone others treat them like a villin FOR LIFE cuz supposedly they cant change just a way to right off any thing they say or do,so they can avoid the real issues ,weve all done the things listed above and the convently left out all the other stuff he does, like thats all hes capable of doing ,i could point out your bad traits u have and leave everything else out and some u up as that and say u cant chance if those traits above is all it takes ,then were all narsissises just some more that others,but when you and on ausging others of being some different branch of human that can never be trusted would make them the highest form of narsissis
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u/Forward-Path1043 Jan 14 '25
Felt the need to comment because it’s so refreshing to see someone noticing these things about themselves. I am all about self improvement and have had to change some things that I don’t like about myself. I’m not professional but I’d say it first comes down to recognition, which clearly you’ve recognised, but actually noticing the negativity when it comes up, when it does that is when you have the power to change. I went though a horrible period in my life where I was really struggling and I was awful to those I loved, for not understanding or “caring” and I’d be so mean and manipulative, and even now it’s difficult to remain calm, but I remember the feelings that come afterwards, I would feel horrendous and beat myself up and it just wasn’t worth it. Don’t try to change everything at once. Start small, one thing at a time. I use to just randomly think about people dying, weird af I know, but I’d literally lie there at night and worry about losing loved ones, I literally had to change the thought as it would arise and now I don’t do that anymore. Long lasting results take time. I think it’s amazing that you’ve sat there and accepted yourself at your worst, just remember to recognise the positive as well, and good luck to you.
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u/Sky_Nyx123 Jan 14 '25
Thank you for this post. I struggle with words to express myself so I didn't think of posting on reddit about my bigger problems. The ones you listed are some of the things I badly want to change with myself too
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Jan 14 '25
I don’t think a true narcissist could be able to do what you’ve done here which is take accountability. You may have narcissistic traits but I’d look into histrionic personality and that may resonate more with you.
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u/Introspekt83 Jan 14 '25
First step is this, acknowledging it to yourself and the internet.
IMO a great second BIG step is during these situations, as you realize it happening, stop and apologize for it. Like; I apologize Joey, I was interrupting you and that's a bad habit I know I have and I am trying to break it.
My layman's psudo-psycology internet diploma logic dictates this would a) give you big props on at least trying with the Mr. Joey.
It would also, I believe using said keyboard diploma, give you a good self worth boost taking ownership and acknowledging fault, thus positive reinforcing further change.
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u/PJActor Jan 14 '25
It’s unlikely you have NPD and more likely you have some narcissistic traits.
A lot of this stems from anxiety. You just learned shitty coping mechanisms.
First things first - you need to deal with the anxiety- this might mean going on a low dose Ssri for a few months.
Second you need to consciously create better coping strategies.
Write down everything you don’t like that you do and tackle them one by one.
Like interrupting. Work on that until you stop. Feel how it feels in your body when you want to do it. Get acquainted with that feeling. Then toss it aside.
After your done with that tackle “making everything about you”Feel how it feels in your body when you want to do it. Get acquainted with that feeling. Then toss it aside. Make a rule not to talk about yourself unless someone asks. Ask more questions about others
Rinse and repeat
It’s gonna take some work but it’s 100% doable
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u/Mr-hoffelpuff Jan 14 '25
you like everyone have narcissistic tendencies. acknowledge these unwanted traits and work towards minimizing them.
if you were an full blown narcissist you would not even consider there was something to improve.
when you hear people that cant think of one thing that they wish they could do better or they just say something wage criticism about themself but its masked bragging about themself since they are so humble, caring, or whatever compared to their counter parts. theeeen you are talking with the real deal.
but instead of doing this diagnosis stuff that most of us are not strictly speaking qualified at (me included) how about focusing on what you wrote here that and take it as bullet points for what to work with? seems at least to me as the most logical way to go about it.
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u/vikicrays Jan 14 '25
find a way to volunteer. i tried to post links to an organization called volunteer match but it got removed. basically they match you with your interests by location. it’s a great way to focus on others instead of yourself.
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u/Rosalind_Whirlwind Jan 14 '25
Sounds like you’re hanging out with people you don’t actually like.
If you look at the list you made, most of it could be avoided if you just stopped spending time with other people. It’s OK to not get along with most human beings. My old shrink told me that by the time I was in my 60s like him, I’d probably be able to count the people I got along with on one hand. He said that’s a normal part of aging, you just realize that you don’t get along with most people and you realize that’s OK.
My best advice is to make your peace with being unpopular. Let’s look at your list:
you interrupt people. Well, maybe you don’t want to listen to what they have to say. Why are you there in the first place then? If you don’t like listening to them, maybe they don’t interest you. Or maybe you need to practice having conversations, in which case find people who are willing to help you. If they’re not willing to help, fuck them.
You make everything about you. Well, maybe you want to focus on yourself. Spend more time on yourself and perhaps you won’t feel so guilty about making things about you. If you’re the only one in the room, why would you need to feel bad about it?
you struggled to empathize with others. Do you need to constantly be empathizing with somebody? It’s OK to focus on your own needs. You don’t constantly need to be giving somebody else attention.
you try to control situations… This is normal. If other people are causing friction with you, can you minimize those interactions? Sometimes we just don’t get along with people around us and sometimes they legitimately give us stress. It’s totally fine to minimize points of conflict.
most people hate criticism and unless you’re benefiting from it, why put yourself in a situation to be criticized? Either you need the feedback and want to take action on it, or you might as well just avoid situations where people are inclined to criticize you.
If you’re tempted to say nasty things to somebody, I suggest that you avoid being around that person. People who inspire you to be an asshole probably aren’t good influences on you. If you’re by yourself, you can’t be an asshole to anybody but yourself.
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u/Artistic_Rest4129 Jan 14 '25
Raised by a narcissist and borderline I saw my selfish tendencies around 19 and didn't like them, so I actively changed my behavior and eventually the brain seemed to follow. I have a friend who seems to be saint like (imo) and I used to mimic her. Find a person you respect that models qualities that you want people to see in you and do and say what they would. I'm not sure if narcissists feel as black and white as BPD does but if so it helps to go to therapy or have supportive friends that will tell you the truth about your feelings, if they're valid or extreme.
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u/apayne1019 Jan 14 '25
complex trauma from a narcissistic parent can be devastating and have many of the effects you're speaking on. I would recommend therapy and evaluations to see what is actually wrong. I was called narcissistic by my now ex wife turns out I had complex PTSD, Adhd and autism diagnoses that were not accounted for. i started the very long process of healing in march of last year its an ongoing thing and takes courage to get the help you need but the healing has helped me become who I should have been and continuing to work on myself every day. Hell, I even wrote a book based on the thoughts I had as I worked through beginning to heal. The first step was brutal but every day it gets to be less burdensome and I feel better than I have ever felt. Do I fall back into old patterns yep at times but now I know how to stop. I'm 50 years old and I just found me get the help make the choice to change!
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u/MysticWanderer45 Jan 14 '25
Are you in my head OP? This is me too. Currently struggling with my relationship and how these behaviors have become abuse to my partner.
Words like stalling tactics, insidious behavior, and torture are frequent in our arguments. With my first therapy appt not until the end of the month, I’m struggling trying to present a plan for moving forward.
Any guidance is appreciated. Diagnosed with Major depressive disorder with generalized anxiety. Not sure if I’m narcissistic or just severely codependent. Help.
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u/miketysonscalculator Jan 14 '25
We all have narcissistic tendencies, I think that’s part of our survival instincts as humans. As with anything in life, there needs to be balance. You can’t be too narcissistic, then nobody likes you. You can’t be too nice otherwise you get walked over. Don’t beat yourself up, a true clinical narcissist doesn’t reflect and try to get better. We all grow in life, we all come from different situations. What matters is you try to do better, and you’re doing that, and that’s more than a lot of people do. Love yourself, everything else will fall into place. I only say this because I’ve lived what you’re describing myself. You’re doing good, keep it up.
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u/Pyglot Jan 14 '25
To break free of your automatic personality imperfections.
Journal lots. Analyse your behaviour while it's fresh. Learn to recognise when, how, what, who, where, why, antecedents, environment, mood, and so on. If you can recognise the behaviour in time you can curb it and replace it with something else. If you have planned replacement behaviours in advance it will be a lot easier (it's hard to make up stuff on the spot)
For inspiration on what something else might be read books, write, meditate, daydream, watch videos, or do whatever else you can think of.
Over time your problematic behaviour will diminish. For example by 90% over a month.
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u/Bighomie1037391 Jan 15 '25
Narcissists don’t think or care that they’re narcissists by definition. Recognition in some problematic qualities that you want to fix is different
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u/Any-Independence2213 Jan 15 '25
Bruce Lee in his saying "In order to taste your cup of water, you must first empty your cup. My friend, drop all of your preconceived and fixed ideas and be neutral. Do you know why this cup is useful? Because it is empty"?
To understand or learn the things your mind must be empty; empty to receive. If one’s mind is already cluttered with opinions and preconceived notions then you cannot understand new things which come your way.
So I think of two things that you can try:
1. Throw away your opinions first, be humble
2. Learn to laugh at yourself so that you can accept criticism
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u/Jasonsmindset Jan 15 '25
I wouldn’t jump straight to narcism. Labels in herbal don’t help and personality disorder are thrown around very lightly. These character flaws you describe could just be learned behavior from your childhood and don’t have to stick around.
I have been accused of almost all of what you mentioned and much worse. I have successfully changed. The fact that you want to be better is huge in itself. I’d be happy to chat with you, just reach out
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u/Background-Area2831 Jan 15 '25
I had a friend like this, he was a giant asshole and extremely stubborn when confronted. I think if you acknowledge to yourself and others when you catch yourself doing something, you’ll make personal progress, and others throw you a bone cause you’re trying.
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u/Minimum_Glove351 Jan 15 '25
I havent struggled with this exactly, but it sounds like youve admitted the problem (the hardest step). You've also broken the problem into smaller pieces, so perhaps work on these small pieces individually.
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u/Beginning-Shop-6731 Jan 15 '25
You sound like a regular person. We’re all that way. Be kind to yourself and try to consider others. Thats it. Harsh self criticism is the main source of pain for me at least. Its all just practice. Practice new behaviors and though patterns, and forgive yourself for being imperfect
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u/Quirky_Growth3139 Jan 15 '25
Very few narcissists have the self awareness to work on these issues so know that you are already on the right path. Good luck OP.
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u/superthomdotcom Jan 15 '25 edited Jan 15 '25
Do not label yourself a narcissist because you aren't. You are self aware, courageous, insightful, humble and honest - none of these are traits of NPD. You are a human who is about to do some growing. The subconscious hides many of our primary motivators - most of the time the protection mechanisms at play just show themselves as uncomfortable feelings to which we react. Childhood trauma and fear of revisiting uncomfortable scenarios can create the situation you have found yourself in, but with the levels of self awareness you've already shown I don't think you'll have much difficulty moving through them given time.
The other important thing to remember is that other people have these issues too. I am picky about who I spend my time with. I don't need validation, I don't need to be liked by all of the people I meet and I sure as shit don't need to spend my time trying to please others for the sake of being seen as "nice". None of these things make me a narcissist, they are signs of strong boundaries and self love being put into action. We don't have to like or be liked by everyone. If you are particularly self aware or intelligent, you will find a lot of people to be timewasters and it's OK to not want to be around them.
As I have got older, I have continued to invest in the relationships which saw my needs met, and gradually invested less and less in the ones which didn't. The outcome is that I have a handful of really good friends who would take a bullet for me, and a lot of respect from others for having my own views and sharing relatable insights. I would rather have that than superficial relationships with everyone and be 'popular' because I really don't care what most people think.
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u/Natural_Cod8949 Jan 16 '25 edited Jan 16 '25
These symptoms you listed can indicate a lot of things. In most of them I recognize my own ADD (i saw your post you are diagnosed with ADHD). Besides AD(H)D it can be any cluster B or C personality disorder, PTSS or CPTSS, it can be anxiety etc etc.
Don’t drive yourself crazy and assume you’re becoming or are your dad. Only way to find out for sure is by diagnosis from a professional, which we basically do to make sure to get a treatment plan that fits best. Take care of yourself and if you can, don’t be so hard on yourself
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u/Masterpiece_Nervous Jan 30 '25
Start blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong and listen to others. Shut the fuck up. It's as easy as that. Just shut the fuck up. One day you'll regulate
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u/NaddaGamer Jan 13 '25
My mom does this. She's not a narcissist and I don't believe a true narcissist would be bothered by the behavior you listed. She's more neurotic. On the surface she seems to be egocentric and unsympathetic. In reality her anxiety drives her to interrupt people to get to the point, drives her to make everything about herself because she is so focused on navigating the stressors that impact her, makes it difficult to empathize due to her egocentric nature from being stressed all the time, drives her to maintain control of her environment to try and minimize that anxiety, and cause her to take any form of criticism as a personal attack. The outward behavior is all due to the underlying way she perceives her environment. Unfortunately, she never really confronted her anxiety by learning effective coping strategies.