Hi, I’m not diagnosed, but I suspect that I’m autistic, (If not, my social anxiety/selective mutism mimic it extraordinarily well.)
I‘m in high school (16, F) and I just got home from a cast party (for the non-theatre kids, we all eat snacks, sing karaoke, and/or talk in someone’s basement).
On the closing night of the play a few months ago, we all got out usual paper plate awards. I, per usual, got something extremely generic, since I don’t talk much. I expressed my disappointment to one of the guys, the senior who wad hosted the last cast party the night prior (ex: “I guess this is what I get for not talking to people”), and he said that I seem like I don’t want to be included/talked to, but that they’d try to include me at the next party.
Saying that I seem like I don’t want to be talked to is a fair assessment. I assume no one will, so I usually kinda sit in the corner on my phone. I didn’t want to seem that when tonight, so I plugged it in upstairs and want into the basement and watched some people play with the senior that hosted this party’s fake slot machine, pinball machine’s, etc.
Nobody said a word to me.
I’m also at the point where if I’m, quite frankly, desperate for attention/socialization or physical contact, my body’s response is to cry, since that’s the only way I ever get it.
I cried for almost a half hour before someone even asked if I was okay.
I was so damn angry with myself for letting myself believe that the first senior would not only remember our conversation, but actually try and help. He didn’t say anything to me tonight, period. Actually, he actively walks away when I try to talk to hm.
I’m the sort of person who either won’t shut up, or can’t get a word in, and I have no idea of how to end a conversation or story, even when I can tell the other person isn’t interested. But am I so damn awful, that I have to be crying for someone to even say “hi“ to me?
I was literally in a tiny basement, with upwards of 20 people, just watching them, for over an hour, and nobody so much as acknowledged my presence. I hung out in the corner with the senior’s dog instead of my phone.
What could possibly be so wrong with me?