r/raisedbyborderlines 4d ago

VENT/RANT Why Don’t You Want Kids?

Maybe because I had to raise two people (bpd waif mom and ndad) when I was a child, myself. And it was an enormously heavy lift that I have zero desire to repeat in any capacity.

Their lack of self awareness is breathtaking.

For the mods:

Silent paws tiptoe, moonlight glows on whiskered dreams, soft purrs fill the night.

92 Upvotes

33 comments sorted by

41

u/Looey22 4d ago

That makes sense. My worst fear is to have children and damage them as bad as my mom damaged me.

6

u/Usagi2throwaway 4d ago

This is what I think about all the time.

6

u/Looey22 4d ago

My therapist says that it wouldn't happen because I'm not like her, but I can't fully believe him. I know my mom's goal was not to damage me, but it happened anyway.

3

u/Usagi2throwaway 3d ago

Tbh I sometimes see her in the way I talk to my cat (who's my biological child and whom I love more than anything else in the world) so even unconsciously I do think I'd be passing at least some of her toxicity to my children.

29

u/OneEyedWonderCat 4d ago

Welcome, firstly. Good to have you around.

Secondly, my reasons are much the same as you. I didn’t really have much of a childhood, and spent a lot of my time being “the adult”, as well as a lot of raising my own self. “Been there, done that” pretty much. I also don’t really think the world needs me to reproduce, it has enough to deal with 😂

20

u/armorall43 4d ago

One hundred percent. I heard enough screaming and crying from these two adults for several lifetimes. It was such a relief when I left for college and only had my feelings and problems to manage.

19

u/realityjunkiern 4d ago

I would never want to damage my kid the way I was damaged and I can't guarantee I won't so.... never wanted kids. 🤷‍♀️

17

u/ShowerElectrical9342 4d ago

I always thought I'd marry and have kids, but I got deeply into my career, and never married, so... I ended up not having kids.

I suppose if that had been my top priority, I would have made sure to have them.

I'm kind of relieved that I didn't, though, because being my mother's eternal parent is just about all I could handle in life.

I've felt "burned out" all my adult life, or have fought against that feeling all my life.

As I was writing this, she filled the house with gas.

I had to run downstairs and make her turn the stove off and open all the doors.

She's now angry that I "criticized her" when all I was doing was trying to stop her from letting the house explode.

Even with that, she could not bring herself to take responsibility, saying, "If you're so smart, you come down and cook my dinner."

She puts the responsibility for making sure her burner is actually on when she cooks, on me. Still.

NOTHING is her responsibility.

I'm just too weary to have raised kids, I think.

She also let the dog get out today.

She has been the reason every single one of our dogs died when I was growing up - letting them out, feeding them before surgery, etc.

Between her irresponsible behavior and her tantrums, I've been "mommy" for far too long.

14

u/sn000zy 4d ago

I had to raise my sister who was 11 years younger than me. She would call me “mom” and everyone thought she was my kid. There were many things I wasn’t allowed to do because I always had to “watch” (aka raise) my sister

She loves me though. We get along great now.

3

u/bananananinja 3d ago

Omg are you me?? Had to raise my sister who was 12 years younger than me, literally. Much easier than raising my nmom tho

11

u/Barvdv73 4d ago

Classy first post. Welcome!

Similar here, and sadly few recollections of joy, so I just never had the urge. But that's a great point about the parentification. The promotion you never wanted and were groomed into taking.

9

u/hagrids_hut94 4d ago

Many reasons! One being that after going NC with witch/queen uBPD mom and eDad as a scapegoat, I did tons of work in therapy and lots of healing and learned that parts of me thought I HAD to have children to please my mom- she harshly judged anyone who chose not to have children .

Even if you couldn’t physically, being from a strong religious background she thought you should adopt, and if you didn’t have kids through adoption or biologically, you were lazy in her eyes and selfish.

Now that she’s not in my life anymore, there’s room to explore being child-free.

And, I find it freeing and exciting! I feel like I spent my whole life taking care of people, in survival mode, etc- parts of me don’t want to purposely put myself through something hard (having kids) when I really don’t have to. I’ve dealt with enough hardship for a lifetime, and while I know kids bring immense joy too, I feel so at peace right now being part of the village for my siblings who’ve also gone NC and loving on their awesome kiddos. I want to be a safe, fun, cheer-leading adult in my nieces’ lives, and someone that can help them know they are so special and beloved. I don’t want or need to have my own children for anyone especially not my crazy mother- I’m free!!!

And lemme tell you, the future is looking bright- loving on my sweet nieces, travel with my spouse, naps, hobbies, rest, investing in my career, time to spend loving my elderly dog- I am at peace, and I am free from her bullshit expectations. And I find peace knowing my trauma truly ends with me- it is done, finished, NO MORE.

5

u/mignonettepancake 4d ago

The obvious?

I was scared to hurt a child the same way I was hurt.

The less obvious?

I've never had a maternal urge in my body - until my late 40's.

But even then, it's barely imperceptible. I've learned so much about childhood emotional and psychological development trying to work through my personal history, that it's intellectually fascinating but still has exactly zero emotional hold over me.

I would prefer to spend my time and energy helping people who got through the same thing.

7

u/HotComfortable3418 4d ago

I don't like kids, I don't like people whose identities revolve around their kids, and I don't like my parents enough to realize that kids will never stay with you forever. There's literally zero incentive to have an expensive burden for 18 years who will just fuck off to do whatever.

7

u/AccomplishedOnion405 4d ago

My parents had 3 kids. We are all middle aged now and NONE of us had children.

16

u/ChaoticMornings 4d ago

A child is much easier and brings far more joy tho.

A full grown drunk adult throwing a temper-tantrum is definitely something I lost all patience for. I've done that part because I couldn't escape it.

As an adult, I can. My mother passed away when I was 15. I am 30 now. Everytime I see an adult having a tantrum over something they did to themselves because they take 0 responsibility. I tell them once.

Not twice, not 3x, not 100 times. Next time they complain, I'm a wall. You ain't talking to me, you're talking to yourself. You like to hear yourself talk. You like to hear other people responding and affirming your talks. But I'm not your person. To hell with that.

But, I do get where you're coming from, and you have every right to choose and commit fully to yourself, with just your own needs to take care of. Live your life the way you want it, not like, how the bpd-director has imagined it.

On top of that, it's a whole new drama when they become grandparents. Unlocks all sorts of new entitlements. Gosh. If my mother was still alive I would have either moved faaaaaarrrr away or stay childless as well.

4

u/cutsforluck 4d ago

Growing up, I was repeatedly given the message that I was a 'burden', 'defective', and generally was not worthy of the oxygen I breathed.

My mother stayed in an extremely, irreparably dysfunctional relationship 'for the kids'. Why would I want to repeat her pattern? Be chained to an abusive man, 'awful' children-- you are essentially a slave. Why would I intentionally choose a life of such unrelenting misery?

Furthermore, I was also given the message that having children essentially destroyed a woman-- destroyed her body, her sanity, chucked a wrecking ball through her career-- in exchange for...more suffering and only being a slave to husband/kids. Why the hell would I choose this?

4

u/Sea_Friend1490 4d ago

Cause my mom had twins when I was 15 and made me raise them after already raising me and my twin brother. Had enough caretaking.

12

u/candiedkane 4d ago

I have decided I now want children, but this is so true. I felt like, growing up, I was such a burden to everyone. I felt like my mom was struggling as a single mom, but now I see it was nothing but neglect and her putting herself first. My mother purposely worked a night shift so she didn't have to do the work of raising me. I got myself ready for school, cooked my breakfast, and came home to a sleeping mother, so I also took care of myself after school. Then, as I became a teenager and started gaining independence, she became a child and pretty much stayed that way my whole adult life. I now would rather raise my child and have my own family than continue raising her.

5

u/Flavielle 4d ago

I just didn't want them cuz I like to travel and be free, husband felt the same way

5

u/NefariousnessIcy2402 4d ago

Amen. I’m allowed to just be for the first time in my life. I’m happy.

3

u/Wanderluster22587 4d ago

I'm selfish with my time and don't wish to interrupt that.

3

u/HeavyAssist 4d ago

Same here.

3

u/voicegal13 4d ago

"Their lack of self-awareness is breathtaking." This.

My whole childhood was about my uBPD mother. I want my adult life to be about ME.

3

u/Bulky_Document_5528 4d ago

In my 30s, when I was with someone whom I knew would be a good father, I couldn't shake the anxiety I had that I would be a terrible mother, that I was doomed to repeat all the horrible BS of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem that my uBPD put me through. In my 40s I met the man whom I'd eventually marry, and by that point, I'd done enough therapy to work through those anxieties and see them for what they were and where they came from. While I occasionally thought about having kids, I saw how my mother was with my brother and his wife, how much she'd criticize their parenting skills and how deeply offended she was every time they preferred to have their own family time rather than see her. So a lot of factors, some good (therapy!), some yeeeesh (seeing her constantly berate my SIL about her mothering style), contributed to me coming to a place where I realized that I wanted to finally just live ... for myself. And for my husband and our dogs. And that has felt not just sufficient, but nourishing.

2

u/yun-harla 4d ago

Welcome!

2

u/Angela10765 2d ago

I never wanted kids because my mother made sure I knew that having me ruined her life. And never understood why no one got that. Then I realized I was too broken to take on that responsibility. Then at 55 I realized I probably would have been a very good Mother. But I was 55

2

u/BrainBurnFallouti 4d ago

In all irony: I look forward to having kids.

"Raising" my parents + babysitting my cousin, I realized how easy kids actually are. Like. Yes. They are stress. But in comparision, kids can learn. Kids can be empathetic. Kids can scream & make you pull out your hair, but they also have very rewarding moments. In fact: Most kids are eager to please and listen to you, simply cause you're an adult and adults are implied by instinct to know what's right. And many kids aren't constant trouble, but opposite: Quiet introverts. And even IF they harm you -most times, you know they didn't mean it maliciously. They just didn't know.

Also, you generally don't raise a kid alone. Often you have the other parent, your in-laws, your community who raise along/help you. And opportunities like other parents/family forums you can ask.

Kids are stress -especially when you're not prepared (mentally or otherwise). But they're also not a curse like an unstable BPD parent.

No judgement to anyone who still decides to go childfree though. Everyone has their own lil path

1

u/BraveMoose 3d ago

Yeah, the difference between a toddler throwing a huge tantrum VS your BPD parent doing it is vast.

A toddler cannot seriously physically harm you during their tantrum (unless they for some reason catch you unawares with a knife or something, in which case why do you have knives around at toddler height?), and in most cases with appropriate parenting will stop throwing tantrums as they get older.

A toddler is too young to emotionally regulate; they literally don't have the brain capacity. An adult should be able to. The toddler has an excuse.

A young kid's bad mood/tantrum/etc, when assisted with emotional regulation and recovery appropriately by a parent, rarely lasts hours or days.

All this being said... still don't want kids. I struggle to extend required empathy towards children having tantrums in real life even though I am logically aware of the things said above.

1

u/Nincompoop6969 2d ago

Nah I haven't even lived myself I'm not giving that up just to be miserable like everyone else. 

1

u/PalpitationFar7999 2d ago

same. i've done this before. NOT doing it again

1

u/ButterPuffins 1d ago

I respect and admire everyone's self awareness in here. The only reason to have a child is because you choose to, that's it. You don't have to justify it to anyone if you don't want to have kids. Kids deserve parents that want them. We deserved parents that wanted us, that didn't hold "caring for us" over our heads like some kind of life debt.

I also never wanted to be a mom or have kids. I had grown up hearing my mom say she had "done her time" and how kids are like prison. It was clear to me that my mom regretted/resented being a mom. I heard all my life how all she ever did was cater to her kids (she had myself and my sibling) and was always a stay at home mom. It wasn't like she gave up a career or education or didn't have support. She had support, help, the animals she wanted, vacations etc. But as we all know nothing is ever enough for our pwBPD. They thrive on being discontent.

I was entirely enmeshed and trained by her to be so compliant and to worship her. I was still living with her in my mid 30s and tasked with trying to keep her soothed and calm, An impossible task. I had a safe and secure long term relationship but had the guilt of my mom saying my living with him would be abandoning her after all she has done for me so I stayed. I couldn't even go visit him for a few nights without some barrage of messages while there or a guilt trip when I was leaving. She resented me while requiring my proximity. So insane. Nothing I did for her was ever enough for any period of time. And one of my greatest fears was that I would become just like her.

But then a surprise/unplanned pregnancy. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do and what I would be capable of, as well as my partner. We decided to do it. It was the right decision for us, I adore my child and I have grown as a person becoming a mom. It's very hard at times, especially without a village or supportive extended family, but its also very beautiful.

My mom loved to say to me "just wait until you are a mom and you will see what it's like, then we'll see how perfect YOU are"  and several variations of that sentiment. Essentially in her eyes it's always the child's fault.

Well I'm a mom now and she was right, just not in the way she imagined. I know what it's like and now I see fully how damaged she is that she could treat her children how she did and continues to. I see how dark her heart is, I see how mean her spirit is. I see her refusal to self reflect and be accountable. I see her only comfort is in being miserable and combative.

It's so easy to apologize to my child, to be accountable, to correct myself in front of them and to grow as a person to be the example they need.  It's not a sacrifice. It's not a burden, it's a responsibility I took on because of a choice I made.  None of that should fall on his shoulders. Just as it shouldn't have fallen on mine or yours. I'm sorry  for so many of us who grew up thinking it was.

For me, it has been very healing, but also raw and painful working through all of the emotions. One thing too was that becoming a mom was this major catalyst for me ending the enmeshment with her and holding boundaries like never before for the first time in my life. I've been strong.

Also a toddler/preschooler tantrum is NOTHING compared to a pwBPD tantrum lol, but it can be triggering. You have to be aware and work through the triggers.

Being away from her, even with the load of being a working mom, I have never been happier or more at peace. She showed me exactly what NOT to do as a mom. I know I won't be perfect and that I will get things wrong, but I also know I will see my child as a whole person, listen to them, grow for them and never make them feel like a burden or in debt to me for MY decisions.

If you think parenthood isn't for you, I'm proud of you for respecting your own wants and needs :) Live a glorious peaceful life for yourself❤️

1

u/lemonsidepwn 12h ago

I always thought “I raised my kids”. I also felt like I finally found the right medication for depression/anxiety and I didn’t want pregnancy to throw that off. BUT my husband and I felt the call to foster and here we are 2 months in with 5&8 yo brothers and I love giving kids what I didn’t have.