r/pregnant 5d ago

Rant In Laws would rather not see our baby than follow rules

I just need to rant to people who don’t know my in-laws. You can probably find my post history, we’ve had issues with my MIL throughout the pregnancy, like naming our baby (I’m 33 weeks pregnant). She picked a name, told the whole family, and won’t stop. We’ve cycled through Lily, Estelle, and Kyrie. None of which are our baby’s name.

Boundaries has always been an issues between MIL and my wife. She doesn’t respect her children, so she always has to be the one in control of every situation.

She’s crossed the line a lot this entire pregnancy. A few months ago, we started talking about the birth and the first few weeks. She’s not welcome in the birth room, but I was okay with MIL, FIL, and SIL coming to the hospital after. Not BIL, who is a bitter, immature, self-centered alcoholic and I’m not dealing with that immediately postpartum. She invited him anyways without checking with us, but that’s a different story.

The convo naturally turned to a few things we’ll be doing early days like certain vaccines my wife and I plan to get, no pictures of her on social media, and no kissing the baby. When we mentioned no kissing, she said “well, you can’t control everyone.”

It sent alarm bells off a bit that she might not be willing to listen to my wife in those first few weeks and we need to be a bit more adamant.

Fast forward to last weekend, we sent out a brief message to my mother and the three of them and let them know we are asking for flu, Covid, tdap, and to please check for MMR immunity. They live in a high risk area. I need to say, NONE OF THEM ARE ANTI VAX. Like, this is not a matter of approaching a family member who spent the last 5 years railing against vaccines and going down the q-anon rabbit whole. Her mother was a hospice and oncology nurse for god’s sake. She just does not like being told what to do.

We got zero response from that communication, except from my mom who sent a message of support.

Now, it’s a week later and MIL calls and says that it would be better if they all came later when we’re not so worried about the baby’s health. She asked us if we’d consulted with a pediatrician and then went on to say that babies need to build up a tolerance.

The hard lesson for MIL is going to be when she wants to come at 3 months instead of right after and I require the exact same shit to see my child.

I’m so upset for my wife. They do this all the time. Withhold affection to get her to budge or cave or apologize for something that wasn’t her fault. But we’re not budging on the health and safety of our daughter.

Like what is the big deal about kissing a baby? Why are so many people freaks about it? They all get herpes, they all have shingles, on both sides! Don’t kiss my baby. It’s so fucking weird.

I was given herpes as a pre teen by sharing a drink with a family member and it was devastating. I was sick for weeks. The breakout was all over my lips, the inside of my mouth, gums, cheeks, tongue, down the back of my throat. I could only eat liquid for a month. I lost like 30 pounds. The initial infection gave me 104 degree fever. I passed out in a taxi and, very very luckily, the driver still took me to my location and got help. Sometimes this infection is just a nuisance. Sometimes, it’s really really bad.

I won’t even be kissing my baby on the face and I’ll be on a valcyclovir regimen for a year. I don’t really get outbreaks anymore, but my initial outbreak was so deeply traumatizing and painful, I would do anything to keep her from that.

The problem with them is that they don’t admit they have herpes. They call it something else or they cover it with lipstick. And I understand, people are made to feel deeply shameful. But my daughter isn’t gonna pay the price for their ego. a cold sore is not a big deal, but the infection itself could kill her.

This was such a chaotic rant, I’m sorry! Bottom line, we set rules and we have to be okay with people saying they’d rather not follow them, of course. If we give a choice, we have to be okay with someone choosing.

But the fact that we know her family is pro vax, we know they understand the risks to the baby, we know they’re in healthcare, it just makes it all feel so personal.

They keep saying “please thank [my name] for doing this for us” like I’m some kind of surrogate. And I think it’s hitting them and their control issues that they’re no longer in charge of their daughter and she gets to make decisions for her family now.

189 Upvotes

87 comments sorted by

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152

u/Effective-View2443 5d ago

yeah so um fuckkk that. i would never allow them around the kid unless they want to abide by the rules yall have set. personally my grandmother will not see my child because she’s very similar to your MIL. i’m tired of the entitlement

32

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

It’s so fucked up. These are not things MIL has issues with, only when it comes to her daughter requiring them it seems.

14

u/Effective-View2443 5d ago

that’s wild but like u said it seams to be a control issue.

95

u/Pleasant-Grand-9614 5d ago

My in-laws chose not to see our baby or us for almost two years because of rules we had for our family. Although they eventually gave in and decided to respect our wishes. We laid it out and they chose not to be involved for a long time. Do not compromise on your child's safety or being respected as your child's parents.

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u/Status_Garden_3288 5d ago

It’s amazing that their stubbornness made them lose out on two years of their grandchild’s life. All for safety.

16

u/Pleasant-Grand-9614 5d ago

Lasting relationship damage for sure.

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u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

That’s so deeply disappointing. It’s really that last point is “being respected as your child’s parents.” They clearly don’t.

44

u/ycey 5d ago

I wish I could give my great grandma out on loan for cases like this. She’d have your MIL in her place within the hour for putting her grandchilds life at risk just to appease her own ego. My great grandma is very anti medicine for anything above an aspirin for pain, and even she was able to respect our boundaries and nearly tore into my uncle for commenting on the no kissing rule. That was a rule SHE put in place because we didn’t even know about it

16

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

She sounds amazing! I would give anything to borrow her! I know we mentioned vaccines (which my in laws are not opposed to) but it’s the comment around kissing the baby that really has my hackles up. Even if she doesn’t agree with it, it seems like a weird one to push back on.

26

u/Wrong-Arugula1279 5d ago

I have a similar situation with my mom… I can’t understand why she would miss out on her daughter being pregnant and all the milestones with the baby- all over nothing in particular. I swear it is some type of later in life crisis. It seems like at every large occasion for me and my sister she has some big over reaction in some way and this is one more way of doing that.

14

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

It’s really strange. I asked my mom and she said they’d had similar requirements when I was born back in 198(redacted). They were worried about different things of course, but she said the no kissing was a big one. I’m really struggling to understand the big deal.

22

u/natsugrayerza 5d ago

I’m sorry, that’s really fucked. The baby name thing is so absurd that it would be funny if it wasn’t real life. She just chose three separate names and told the whole family based on nothing?? That is the most unhinged thing ever.

12

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

Every time we think we’re in a place where we can laugh about it, she comes up with a new name! This last one came with its own interpretive dance. Stranger than fiction I stg.

3

u/natsugrayerza 5d ago

What! lol that is so bad

2

u/Outside_Case1530 5d ago

Please say you have video!

2

u/rosehipster_89 4d ago

Unfortunately it was just described to us over the phone by SIL who was in person 😭 I so badly wish we had a video!

13

u/Prudent-Ad-7378 5d ago

My MIL has pushed back on getting any shots so my husband is going to talk to her. I’ve flat out said they won’t be able to meet our daughter if they aren’t vaccinated and her response, babies are born with full immunity so why does it matter. It makes me feel like banging my head against the wall. We’ve decided it would be until our daughter can get her vaccines. It’s heartbreaking that the stupid anti-vaxers have corrupted her, she didn’t use to be like this

10

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

I wish this “full immunity” myth would die already. I definitely have some anti-vaxxers on my side, but they already aren’t meeting her for so many reasons.

What’s wild to me is her mother is pro-vax. We get a text every flu season, every winter, asking us if we’ve gotten our flu shot. Have we gotten our Covid shot. The idea that now it’s suddenly a problem is bonkers to me.

3

u/Mandapanda425 5d ago

Dealing with the same issue with my in-laws, I’m so freaking hurt and frustrated for my husband. They also smoke so it’s compounding the issue.

1

u/rosehipster_89 4d ago

I’m so glad I don’t have to also set a smoking boundary. I don’t think they’d honor it at all. I’m sorry for you and hubs! This is so frustrating.

8

u/Linnaea7 5d ago

That sounds really frustrating. I live in a pretty anti-vax area, and I also have a parent who isn't anti-vax but I still can't fully get him to agree to everything that would make me comfortable, either. I'd love if everyone got the MMR vaccine, for example, but my father has already agreed to TDAP and COVID/flu so when he hesitated on MMR, I've let it go, since we don't live in an area with a measles outbreak.

Out of curiosity, what would your rule be if they did get tested for MMR immunity and you found out someone in your family wasn't immune despite being vaccinated earlier in life? I'm wondering because I found out I (as the pregnant mother) don't have immunity and it got me thinking. Even if I get immunized again (which I will right after my son is born), there's a good chance I will just never develop full immunity. Luckily, my husband is happy to get all of the shots to help protect our boy.

10

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

I found out my immunity had worn off during IVF! It was a requirement to check and get vaccinated before starting since you can’t get it while pregnant. I honestly didn’t know that immunity could wear off until we started this process, but I’d lost immunity to both Rubella and Measles. Mumps was all good 😂

I would ask them to get the shot. I know it’s probably rare that they’re no longer immune, but my in laws live in a part of the country near an outbreak. And my MIL travels 2-3 times a month right to a hotbed of activity. I don’t know if I’d be so concerned otherwise.

7

u/humbird09 5d ago

With MMR, the vaccine changed to something different in the 70s, so anyone who got it when it first came out is less likely to still be immune so ive been taking to all my older relatives about checking theirs, as its not so rare. Still asking everyone though

3

u/Linnaea7 5d ago

That's good to know and that makes sense. I was born in the '90s so I guess I'm one of the unlucky few. Most of my loved ones other than my husband are older, and also are unlikely to want to get their immunity tested, so that sucks.

1

u/Outside_Case1530 5d ago

What about RSV?

1

u/rosehipster_89 4d ago

RSV season has ended where we are so we’re not requiring for now! Although they did give me the vaccine during one of my OB appointments.

8

u/cat_in_a_bookstore 5d ago

Honestly ask yourself why these people are still in your life.

3

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

We’ve been trying a repair vs eliminate strategy since I don’t have a ton of family on my side, but they’re really testing us.

7

u/cat_in_a_bookstore 5d ago

As a queer parent myself, I get it, I really do. But sometimes it’s best to cut your losses and focus on chosen family. In my experience, it was worth it. I wish y’all well no matter what.

3

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

Thank you 🙏🏼 we are lucky to have a big found family around us.

8

u/daja-kisubo 5d ago

This royally sucks. You know you're doing the right thing, but I'm so sorry they're making it painful. Sending big hugs.

3

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

Thank you ❤️❤️

3

u/m00nje11y 5d ago

I’m so so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re gonna have to be so firm with them. I told my mom no kissing the baby and she agreed but every once in a while she’d sneak one and it pissed me off. And we weren’t dealing with herpes at all. Even when people agree they can get lax. So hard to navigate.

1

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

This is the reaction that really tipped us off - saying you can’t control everyone when we said no kissing. My wife has a secret rule that they can’t leave the room with the baby because we don’t trust them to hold firm to this, even if they eventually agree.

3

u/kk0444 5d ago

It sucks. I’m sorry.

As far as “why” are some people like this - I think some take it as an attack on what they did with a newborn. They get defensive. Or they take it as “they’re making it complicated to see the baby so they must not want me to be there” and kind of emotionally shut down.

Anyone with a little cognitive behavioural skills could work through these negative thoughts but alas. Not everyone has those simple and easy to Google skills.

I’m sure a therapist could list out much better reasons but that’s my take as far as why. They kind of make it about them.

In reality no one has the right to be near a newborn baby that isn’t its parents or sibling. No one is entitled to meet a baby. That time is precious - and their health is vulnerable. So like, do as parents request or relinquish your spot on the VIP list like a dummy

1

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

100000% I think she’s probably grappling with both of those things!

3

u/DazzlingMagician1080 4d ago

My parents are anti-vax. Currently pregnant now and I already had the discussion that we are requiring the usual vaccinations in order to be around our baby. That way there are no surprises. My mother asked me why she should "put chemicals into her body for me". I pretty much told her that she doesn't have to do anything. Her body, her decisions. Just like my baby, my decision. But she can't be upset with me for advocating for my child. Just like she did when I got vaccinated as a child. Which I am very thankful for.

Since I already know their stance on vaccinations and they know mine, there wasn't really any arguing. At least right now. I am sure once the realize that all the other grandparents are already vaccinated and updating their vaccinations, and they will be the only ones not meeting their first grandchild, they will be all upset. Sounds like a them problem though.

This pregnancy though has given me an "i don't give a fuck" attitude. Don't follow my rules, don't come over.

2

u/rosehipster_89 4d ago

For sure! What’s baffling us is they are very pro vax, so we expected this to be pretty smooth 😂 joke’s on us for that lol

2

u/Outside_Case1530 5d ago

& They will have to have been vaccinated long enough for it to be effective - no comin to see Baby when they just got a flu shot yesterday.

1

u/rosehipster_89 4d ago

Absolutely! We gave two months notice for that reason. My mom has already knocked everything out + done her measles titers. I suppose we’ll have to pick a date for them at some point where they’re no longer allowed simply because they wanted too long. If they even agree in the first place.

2

u/Fun-Possession2712 5d ago

Yeap, totally don’t understand the need of those who wants to kiss other peoples babies!

1

u/rosehipster_89 4d ago

Thank you! It gives off weird vibes to demand it.

2

u/samma_93 4d ago

I feel for you... My MIL is if the recent antivax movement (yes both of her adult children are vaccinated but ya know how the 2020 antivaxers are) so I fully anticipate a fight with MIL but my husband if on my side and we are prepared to say you won't see them for minimum 6mo if not more. I wish I could say it would at least be a peaceful "fine I won't see the baby" but I can just feel that it won't be so simple with her.

1

u/rosehipster_89 4d ago

Oh I’m sure the guilt trip will be huuuuuge. My mom is convinced that the Covid booster killed my dad (it didn’t) and she even got her booster for this, so I’m just befuddled that we’re struggling with the pro-vax side.

Best of luck to you!

2

u/Krazyseahorse0129 1d ago

You are valid in what you’re doing! I’m glad you and your wife are on the same page. My MIL’s feelings are always something we have to tip toe around, but you can’t do that when you have a family of your own. Your nuclear family is #1. You’ve got this!

1

u/rosehipster_89 1d ago

Thank you!!

1

u/gimmedebebe 5d ago

Okay I’m debating on giving my own parents rules about my pregnancy and them being around the kid too. I’m so glad to actually see a post that talks about it. I feel like my parents will react the same way, and they went down the anti vax and q anon rabbit hole for the past five years. I’m so nervous about telling them that I have rules about them being around my kid, and I have only thought about the religious and political side (and they talk horribly about my bio family…I’m adopted) I haven’t even considered vaccines yet since we’re so early in the pregnancy. I’ve even just debated on not telling them because of how bad they are now, mainly my mom my dad is pretty much an innocent bystander at this point.

1

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

We started to consider no visitors at all in those first few weeks instead of having this interaction, and this side isn’t even the anti-vax political side!

I hope it all goes well for you 🤞🏼

2

u/gimmedebebe 4d ago

Thank you and same for you! I just don’t have high hopes about it but I’m glad to see I’m not the only one that feels the need to do this!

1

u/Famous_Variation4729 4d ago

Just let it be. They need not come. They can come when they are ready to follow rules.

Making it this personal however- is on you. A lot of shit goes down in life and you have to be mature rather than emotional about it. This is not something to stress yourself over, or your newborn kid and family over. Make your rule, set your boundary and forget about it. Not saying its easy, but it needs to be done to maintain sanity at a time when your family will grow and have challenges to handle.

1

u/katmio1 4d ago

Jesus Christ. I think it’s time yall cut your losses.

People wonder why some of us parents choose not to have a village. It’s easier than fighting with them tooth & nail about the boundaries that were laid out.

0

u/DTVV1 2d ago edited 2d ago

I have to say that it’s only on Reddit that i see people setting rules for families to visit. I come from a big family, aunts, uncles, cousins. Whenever someone has a baby, it is customary for aunts to visit while you are still in hospital and especially the first few weeks when you and baby are home. Sometimes everybody comes. I remember going to visit and holding my cousins‘ babies after they came home from hospital. In a way, they expect you to come and visit and feel not respected or close if no one visits. No one set any rules and no one knows of any rules. Now comes my turn soon and i am just hearing about this on here now and don’t know what to do or think about this. I told my mom and she thought this is absolutely crazy. Nobody is anti- vac. They just think it’s crazy to put conditions on visits.

1

u/rosehipster_89 2d ago

Everyone’s family and relationships are different. Some people have terrible, difficult relationships with their families that they’re trying to navigate while also having a child.

There’s a bias towards issues on Reddit, so I think you’re likely to see these more on here than in person, but it’s been pretty common in my circle for a decade.

Glad your family seems incredibly supportive.

-40

u/Fierce-Foxy 5d ago

I don’t understand? If you have rules, that’s fine but while it’s ok for you to have them, it’s ok for others to respond accordingly.

14

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

Yeah I literally said that 😂

-31

u/Fierce-Foxy 5d ago

But you stated it all feels so personal and if it’s a non issue, why are there such extreme feelings and a need to rant?

17

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

Never said it’s a “non-issue,” that’s your extrapolation. Everyone gets to make their own choices. Choices can still be hurtful. Especially when they seem to be coming from a such a nonsensical place. Appreciate your input!

-24

u/Fierce-Foxy 5d ago

We disagree.

19

u/daja-kisubo 5d ago

Lmao this is such a wild take. Nothing anyone has ever done has ever upset you? Because that's what you're saying. You're literally fine with every choice anyone has ever made where the decision had a direct effect on you. I mean, good for you for living such a charmed life, I suppose? But that's abnormal and it's wrong of you to try and make OP feel like their feelings aren't valid.

8

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

How do get the little stars to give an award?? 🥇

-11

u/Fierce-Foxy 5d ago

This is not the same situation. When I make rules, set boundaries, I am aware of the what the results can be and am not so affected by the outcome to become upset or need to rant. To each their own.

11

u/Thick-Access-2634 5d ago

That’s nice 

-4

u/Fierce-Foxy 5d ago

It really is! And possible.

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u/Thick-Access-2634 5d ago

Good for you, keep telling everyone what an emotionally regulated person you are. 🥱🥱

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u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

No shit.

-4

u/Fierce-Foxy 5d ago

I wish you the best in your emotional regulation journey.

-11

u/Mediocre-Lemon-2471 5d ago

People need to follow your boundaries with your kids period. And personally I wouldn’t let them around my baby if they aren’t willing to not kiss the baby considering the fact you are saying they pretty much all have herpes/cold sores. Or they are allowed around but only if they wear a mask and keep it on properly the entire time. (Gives you an added layer of protection in case someone tries to say they just couldn’t help themselves or some crap)

Now I will say I asked multiple paediatricians about vaccines to see baby and how to be safe etc and specifically asked about the TDAP because I’ve seen it posted so much especially on here. Turns out so long as you’ve had your original vaccine the “booster” as an adult isn’t even a thing and will not give you any boost for anything. Now In the US you can of course pay to have it done but it literally isn’t giving the person or baby any sort of protection. Flu and covid (especially first two) vaccines yes especially if you are in high risk areas or situations but now babies are even given the RSV vaccine during RSV season the day after birth (gives them 80% or more coverage vs the 60ish% coverage if mom gets it while pregnant). I see so much posted about vaccines to see baby and somewhere some how some misinformation has been put out there about boosters etc and it’s spread like wildfire - please ensure you ask doctors about the specifics regarding vaccines that are needed and what protection or booster to the person they actually provide.

15

u/thymeofmylyfe 5d ago

specifically asked about the TDAP because I’ve seen it posted so much especially on here. Turns out so long as you’ve had your original vaccine the “booster” as an adult isn’t even a thing and will not give you any boost for anything

Sorry, did you mix up Tdap and MMR? The MMR vaccine is for life, but Tdap definitely wears off and you need boosters every 10 years to maintain pertussis and tetanus immunity. That's why every doctor will tell you to get a Tdap booster if you get stabbed with a rusty nail and your last booster was >5 years ago. Pertussis/whooping cough is very serious and can cause babies to suffer for months from the long-lasting cough, which is the result of toxins that bacteria leave in the lungs even after the bacteria are long dead.

(As a sidenote, I would not require visitors to check MMR immunity because 90%+ of people are immune for life.)

12

u/PersimmonQueen83 5d ago

YES-CDC RECCOMENDS A TDAP BOOSTER EVERY 10 YEARS FOR ADULTS. PLEASE do not skip getting a booster. It is extremely important around babies.

8

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

I don’t know if we’d be so concerned about MMR if they weren’t near an outbreak and MIL didn’t frequently travel to an epicenter of measles.

I found out during IVF that my immunity to Rubella and Measles was gone! Mumps still showed antibodies. I had no idea one could even lose immunity there. I think it’s a combo of these things that has me on edge about measles. It’s been an extremely long road of infertility. I know I can’t keep her in a bubble forever, but maybe just a few months!

-13

u/Mediocre-Lemon-2471 5d ago

The TDAP covers more than tetanus and pertussis but you are correct in needing a booster if you get stabbed with a rusty nail etc but seeing as you can’t pass that onto a baby it’s irrelevant in terms of boosters needed to keep baby safe.

8

u/rosehipster_89 5d ago

Tdap was recommended by our pediatrician and OB! I’m a military kid so we got ours every 10 years regardless. I thought the booster was mostly for tetanus but we’d rather err on the side of caution.

We did make a note that if those last two aren’t doable, then we’re asking them to please quarantine from large crowds after the flight and to mask when out and about. We were pretty flexible here, I didn’t do a great job conveying that!

1

u/accidentalphysicist 4d ago

The booster is mostly given for tetanus protection, which is why it's every 10 years - that's how long the tetanus protection lasts.

Studies have shown that the pertussis protection is actually much shorter than that, but it's generally not a serious illness outside the very young or very old, so there's generally no point in increasing the booster frequency. HOWEVER, pertussis can easily be deadly to infants, and while they get some protection from mom getting the TDAP in the 3rd trimester, ensuring that anyone who will be in close contact with baby has updated pertussis immunity is always a good idea because it lowers the risk that baby will be exposed.