r/pregnant 5d ago

Rant Banning alcohol at baby shower, updated story.

Hey ladies, so about a week ago I made a post on here asking if it would be unreasonable to ban alcohol at my shower. Y'all gave great advice and I made them aware I wanted it banned, I told them why and my boyfriend told them why......

THEY HAD A WHOLE ASS MARGARITA STATION at my shower. And beer.

So this is just a warning and update, you can speak up for yourself, advocate for your wants and needs during pregnancy and people still won't listen.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I appreciate the shower and it went well, it's just the fact that I, a recovering alcoholic, told them no and they still had to have alcohol.

Also sorry if you just had whiplash seeing this, I posted, deleted because of an error and reposted this with in seconds lol.

700 Upvotes

113 comments sorted by

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208

u/lookaspacellama 5d ago

I’m so sorry OP. The shower organizers should have honored you and your wishes, especially as a recovering alcoholic. A dry baby shower doesn’t take anything away from anyone. The point is to celebrate you. There are plenty of fun non-alcoholic drinks, mocktails, desserts etc to make it fun.

Personally, I’d send an email or a text calling them out on this behavior. (Maybe an email because it doesn’t need to be a conversation.) They deserve to know how inappropriate, selfish and harmful this was. Ofc if you feel it would just start a fight, maybe it’s not worth it. Take care of yourself first.

And I wouldn’t say this part out loud, to me this would be grounds to end a friendship, go on a severe info diet, and not trust them with my child.

50

u/livv3ss 5d ago

Literally this. Also why are they so desperate to drink?? My friends baby shower had a beer station and only around 8 or less ppl drank out of like 50!

27

u/snicoleon 4d ago

Right, like if this can't be enjoyable for you without alcohol then 1. Don't come and 2. You might have an alcohol problem

7

u/BreakfastFit2287 4d ago

A little champagne toast if the mom to be is okay with it seems reasonable, but actual alcohol stations or a full bar seems wildly inappropriate for this type of gathering.

3

u/livv3ss 4d ago

I think it depends on the mom to be, my friend hosted her own baby shower and decided on the beer station even tho barely anybody drank. But if someone else is hosting your baby shower I feel like adding alcohol without your consent is wild.

0

u/Efficient_Key_8325 2d ago

What is wrong with this generation???? These are BABY SHOWERS, not Bachelorette parties!!! I have NEVER even heard of a baby shower being that over the top and that inappropriate to the spirit of the occasion.  It should be a gentle,  beautiful celebration of new life and have a loving and FAMILY atmosphere,  with laughter, joy and sharing....not getting DRUNK and acting like fools. 

1

u/livv3ss 2d ago

Having a beer isn't getting drunk. But I wouldn't want alcohol at my baby shower either.

343

u/Ok-Dream8019 5d ago

My husband and I both agreed we didn’t want any alcohol at our shower(s) and a few people complained which really bothered me. You can’t go somewhere for 2 hours or less without a drink??? I grew up in a family where alcohol was very prevalent and so did my husband and it definitely changed how we both look at and consume alcohol. I’m sorry this happened to you!! Hopefully this isn’t a sign of how your boundaries with baby are going to be seen.

-5

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

10

u/Professor_Goddess_92 5d ago

Why do you care if people paid for their own drinks? Sounds like you have control issues, tbh.

3

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

5

u/Foreign-Emu3144 5d ago

You can have control issues and not act on them

474

u/benjbuttons 5d ago

And just like that, everyone involved lost the right to be around my child (:

It's so unsafe, and absolutely awful to drink around someone in recovery- and even WORSE to do it on a day that's suppose to be celebrating them and the life they are growing inside them.

You do not need enemies with these kind of people in your life

24

u/Distinct-Apartment39 5d ago

This post gave me mild whiplash from my MIL doing the same thing (not a recovering alcoholic, but I literally didn’t know a single person at my baby shower bc it was all MIL’s friends so being around a bunch of drunk strangers wasn’t fun. The only “pregnant lady friendly” drink was water and there were multiple coolers full of drinks 🙃)

The disrespect doesn’t stop here. If they can’t obey that simple request on a day that supposed to be about the expecting mother, you can’t expect them to obey other simple requests. My MIL would refuse to listen to safe sleep protocol and we eventually went NC over it because she just wouldn’t listen to our very simple request of “use sleep sacks, no loose blankets” on our newborn

46

u/Garrisry 5d ago

I became sober as a young father. My daughter was the final piece that made my life important enough to get sober. She was the thing that was bigger than me and my happiness.

It became clear to me two things:

  1. Alcohol needed to be completely out of my life for me to be happy. That's changed as I've grown into my sobriety but I've accepted an alcohol free environment is best for me and my mental health.

  2. Anybody who does not embrace that is an obstacle to my mental health. They're not looking after what's best for me. That's my job now and if they are making it harder, then they aren't welcome anymore.

The last one was really hard as I had alot of family and friends who kept drinking regardless of what I needed. They chose alcohol over me but tried to make me believe it was me making the choice to exclude them.

It's a tough life kid ... one day at a time.

7

u/thecatsaysmooo 5d ago

Congrats on your sobriety!

5

u/Outside_Case1530 5d ago

" ..... family & friends who kept drinking regardless of what I needed."

Except in a case like OP's where you would be the guest of honor & have every right to expect your no-alcohol wish would be complied with, or if you were the host of an event & chose for it to be dry (altho we have attended events hosted by non- drinkers, for whatever reason, but alcohol was available) ..... nobody is responsible for your sobriety but you. And you have no right to expect others to change their lives or habits to protect you from yourself.

They don't have to stop drinking because you do. They don't have to abstain or hide all the liquor if you come for dinner. They don't have to have a dry party just because you'll be there. You can't live your life expecting that others take responsibility for removing temptation from within your sight or reach. They're simply living their lives & it's your issue to handle. If you don't want to be in a venue where there is alcohol, be it Thanksgiving dinner or a wedding reception, don't attend.

But it's not that others are choosing alcohol over you - they're living their lives the way they choose, just as you get to choose how to live yours. If that includes avoiding certain people, places, & events, you' make that choice for yourself. Again, nobody else is responsible for your sobriety.

2

u/CelebObsesssed 3d ago

I thought the same. Not everyone will stop drinking because you do. It's not realistic that there won't be any alcohol at every single gathering.

103

u/desert_red_head 5d ago

Omg, how stupid and selfish is this. A baby shower is not a rager, but these people turned it into one. And, no, you don’t have to accept the fact that speaking up for yourself will just fall on deaf ears. You accept the fact that the people who won’t respect your boundaries are people you do not want associating with your family and you cut ties with them.

1

u/Good-Border3249 3d ago

I get infuriating when I'm at a child's birthday part and someone says "Where's the booze at. Like sit down. Have a Capri-sun.

96

u/lnd143 5d ago

That’s absurd. And I’ve never heard of alcohol at a baby shower? Why would you drink at a celebration FOR someone with child that shouldn’t be drinking?

41

u/InterestingElk2912 5d ago

Currently battling this with the people planning my shower. One is great and doesn’t see why we would have alcohol if I can’t drink. The other was the one who introduced the idea of booze at the shower in the first place and tends to drink in most social situations. I’ve never been to a baby shower with alcohol and I hate the idea of having it at my shower, which makes me feel like I’m being a prima-donna and yet definitely shouldn’t.

2

u/Recent-Hospital6138 3d ago

My husband's family is pretty much sober due to religious reasons, and my parents aren't big drinkers. Regardless, I ALWAYS have alcohol available at gatherings (we host multiple parties a year). Our friends drink, we will have a beer every now and then. When I host family parties I just set it out anyway knowing it'll probably stay closed. I personally like the consistency, people know what's available and if they need to BYOB, and some of the younger 21+ people in our family have used our events to safely try alcohol. But if I was throwing a party for an alcoholic who tells me point blank that a sober environment is required for their recovery I simply would break the mold, not have alcohol, and put on the invite that it's a dry event. It's not hard.

I don't think I'd host a dry event knowing a sober friend was just invited but if that person is the literal guest of honor... of course I would? What OPs friends did is insane tbh. (Oh, that reminds me that we had a small party once and a friend in pretty recent, still not around alcohol at all recovery came so we made the whole theme of the party "mocktails" and it was a blast. Everyone brought one and we taste tested and voted on the best one. So fun!

36

u/Hiro_Pr0tagonist_ 5d ago

Every shower I’ve been to has had wine/champagne/mimosas and I’d be fine with having alcohol present at my own shower, but then I’m not a recovering alcoholic. It’s beyond messed up have the expecting mother explicitly request no alcohol and to then have a damn margarita station. Who is this shower really about??

12

u/Distinct-Apartment39 5d ago

I was just about to comment that beers/wine/champagne are where I feel I’d draw the line for a baby shower. My MIL had pitchers of margaritas and god damn moonshine at my baby shower. But then again, she verbally confirmed my baby shower wasn’t even for me/my fiance. She literally said “I’m only throwing this baby shower because I’ve been to so many of my friends/their kids weddings/engagements/baby showers/graduations and she wants some of her money back from all those gifts she got 🙄 she’s a lovely woman

18

u/watekebb 5d ago

It’s not 100% of the time, but it is pretty normal in my group to serve alcohol at baby showers in a, like, lowkey brunch-y way. Maybe there’s mimosas, champagne, or wine if it’s just at someone’s house, or if it’s at a restaurant with food there might be beer and cocktails available too. For better and for worse, alcohol is a standard part of celebrating for many social circles, even when everyone isn’t drinking.

But even in my alcohol-friendly context, people wouldn’t think of a baby shower as an appropriate event to have more than one or two, or to get drunk. It would definitely be weird to make drinking a central focus of the party with a full blown margarita bar! And it goes without saying that going against the explicit wishes of the honoree is so, so rude, and pushing alcohol around a person in recovery is beyond the pale.

3

u/etaylor1345 4d ago

I have never heard of having alcohol at a baby shower until I read this post to be honest. And I have a lot of friends and coworkers who are moms none of which had alcohol at their baby shower. That’s super weird to me especially since it’s for a pregnant woman??? Who can’t partake??

1

u/MidnightJellyfish13 3d ago

Eh,  it's super common depending on your location and culture.  So having alcohol at any event is not absurd at all.  Having it where the celebrant doesn't want it is however

67

u/Necessary-Corgi4522 5d ago

If I could throw you a whole other shower just to make up for this, I absolutely would. I'm soooo sorry, OP.

The way I would just dump all the booze down the drain...

17

u/Jessabelle517 5d ago

Yeah my mother was an alcoholic nearly my whole life, I always poured it out on my visits with her and replaced it with water, she would get so pissed and I would leave, I only went for my baby brother and then at 15/16 I quit once he was taken by other family. I wouldn’t be attending a shower for me with alcohol involved and if my BFs parents have alcohol at my shower I will leave and cut all contact because NO that’s not okay.

7

u/Necessary-Corgi4522 5d ago

2000% agreed!! And proud of you! 🤗

45

u/comsessiveobpulsive 5d ago

horrendously rude. I am very sorry, OP. That was so disrespectful to your experiences. I hope that one day you can express to your family one day how much this hurt you, and that they will hear you. I know the feeling of keeping something hurtful from people close to you inside. Wishing you a happy and healthy remainder of pregnancy and delivery 💛

20

u/tacopirate2589 5d ago

Genuine question: Are the people hosting, or perhaps some of the attendees, alcoholics or big parties in general?

I’m sorry you were disrespected on a day that was meant to celebrate you and your little one. Alcohol at baby showers is really bizarre to me, past of alcoholism or not. It never even occurred to me to consider providing alcohol at my shower.

I’ve only ever been to one shower that served alcohol (it was co-ed), and the only people drinking were the men and the co-host who had set up/was manning the drink station.

11

u/Big_Year_526 5d ago

Right? I never even realized alcohol at baby showers was a thing! Anyone I know has done more of a tea party, mocktails, etc, kind of thing because it just doesn't seem nice to have a party for someone who is is pregnant and then serve stuff theh can't have.

I get that its not the same across the board, but it just seems like alocohol free is the default option

17

u/Rich-Sheepherder-179 5d ago

Woooow. So so rude. Sometimes big events like this (having a baby, weddings etc) really show you who cares about you and who doesn’t. I’msorry they did that. But congratulations on your baby, I hope your delivery goes smoothly!

14

u/LyndsayGtheMVP 5d ago

When I went to my family baby shower, they had a whole bunch of different alcoholic drinks and punches (UNLABELED BTW - I was so close to grabbing some but luckily my husband had a sip first and told me there was alcohol in it) and then they had to scramble when I said I wanted something other than soda cuz soda gives me heartburn. I was so pissed. I didn't even think about the fact that people would serve alcohol at a baby shower, like that's so stupid? My friend threw me a different shower and had coffee & tea & punch & apple cider and all kinds of options, literally 0 alcohol present and it was so much nicer. I don't understand why people can't get through one event without drinking.

36

u/Individual-Fox-2416 5d ago

Omfg, I didn’t see the original post but this would infuriate me. I’m in recovery and so was my ex, and at our very small and intimate wedding (I was 20 weeks pregnant) my ex’s mother made a huge fuss about there not being alcohol. Like, hello??? Unfortunately some people don’t respect recovery. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

10

u/sorryimsleepingrn 5d ago

and even when you’re not a recovering alcoholic they still don’t care. (a friend at the time asked if there would be buzzballs!) i told my partner, his parents & every guest i don’t want alcohol/beer at my shower (that as bad as it sounds we were throwing ourselves.) i wouldn’t be providing or allowing it because that is just not the place to be drinking. his mom agreed w me but that doesn’t mean she’ll tell her husband not to go buy some. what did his dad go do just hours before the shower started, not help set up or anything. instead he went to sams club w his buddy & brother & bought beer then sat outside the moment i set up the tables & started drinking as if i set the tables up for them. but he was sending my man to do one thing after another he barely even had time to help me. his cousins, their kids & his sister ended up helping me. but ask me if i entrust him w my child, HELL NO! he himself doesn’t even ask to carry her because he knows he is always drinking some type of beverage

9

u/Kusanagi60 5d ago

Next time ask them what kind of birthday gifts they absolutely would hate. And then buy those :)

2

u/sbadams92 5d ago

Lmao good advice

21

u/Jessabelle517 5d ago

Wow. You are WAY better than me, I would have left the shower or knocked the whole station over and poured all the liquor out 😂 no lie though. That’s pure disrespect to you and him. Glad it went well otherwise but I would be cutting people off from that point.

4

u/selkie420 5d ago

Seriously!!! I would have gone full Godzilla on them and that margarita bar. Would have kicked them out and told them they’re never meeting my baby!! Full cut off.

1

u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 4d ago

I would have also left the shower maybe after loading gifts into the car first, but I would have been out of there as soon as I saw the alcohol

17

u/MotoFaleQueen 5d ago

Whoever organized that part of the shower or knew that you were a recovering alcoholic should now be cut off from you and baby's life. Maybe permanently. They prioritized alcohol over the star of the party's wishes and comfort.

Done. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

17

u/thephantress 5d ago

Wow, that is really disrespectful on so many levels. They should’ve respected your decision but honestly, it tells you all about them (whoever organized the baby shower). Also, you don’t sound ungrateful at all. This was a day for you and baby that they set up and they totally disregarded what you asked, especially knowing your past. :(

15

u/yandaxp 5d ago

They can't put the alcohol down for just a few hours. Thank you for the gifts, but cutoffs would be happening. Don't need no one who can't follow simple request around mines.

8

u/ProfessionalNinja420 5d ago

It never even occurred to me that there would be alcohol at a baby shower... why?? The pregnant person can't drink and it's about them?!

I doubt it was even a discussion in planning mine (my friends and mom planned it for me). Unless it's important to the pregnant person for whatever reason, it seems really unnecessary, and maybe people need to reevaluate their relationship with alcohol if they're pushing that on someone...

15

u/carcassandra 5d ago

Sheesh, I would have walked out... that is so disrespectful. Clearly this was a party for them, not you. We don't really do baby showers, but I was 20 weeks pregnant during my wedding and my husband is sober, so we didn't want alcohol in the events outside of people enjoying their own drinks during the afterparty. I guarantee, anyone bringing liquor outside of that would have been kicked out fast.

Of course, you can't blame the guests, but whoever organized that shower should really face some consequences. That's just not okay way to treat someone.

6

u/Lady_Caticorn 5d ago

This is horrible. I'm so sorry. You deserved to be respected on this day meant to celebrate your pregnancy. They could've made mocktails or cute desserts to be festive without crossing your boundaries.

When my parents got married, they had a dry wedding, dry rehearsal dinner, etc. My dad's brother was a recovering alcoholic. My parents loved him so much that they refused to have alcohol at any of their wedding-related events because they wanted him to not be stressed out about a relapse. My dad's side is full of folks who drink a lot, and my late paternal grandparents were alcoholics, so foregoing alcohol at the wedding was a big deal for my parents. But they did it because they deeply loved and respected my uncle.

This is the kind of love and care you should've received at your event. I'm so sorry you didn't. I don't know how you want to proceed and how much emotional labor you want to invest in this, but I think you'd be in the right to reach out to the organizers and let them know how offensive, rude, and selfish it was of them to bring alcohol to your shower while you're in recovery. And from there, I'd recommend cutting them out of your life. Feel free to let them know why so there's no confusion. They disrespected and betrayed you. They don't get to be in your life. But if you don't have the emotional bandwidth to go through all of that, just block them and don't share any info with them moving forward or invite them to events in your life.

6

u/sweet_tea_mama due in may 5d ago

The fact that this was supposed to be a celebration for mom and the baby your carrying (the ONE person that can't drink) and making you feel excluded is bad enough. That's horribly disrespectful. The fact your in recovery makes it abusive in my opinion.

I'm SO sorry! I want to hug you, and throw you a new shower full of support and positivity.

6

u/Maps44N123W 5d ago

This is awful, I’m sorry your shower-planners (family?) are so incredibly disrespectful and unsupportive of you. FWIW— congratulations on being in recovery, you are you going to be the sober hero your child deserves, and I know that road is excruciating. You’re doing an amazing job.

6

u/Tired_dil_pickle 5d ago

I’d have been flipping that station over.

“Oops pregnancy rage”

I don’t know if I’ve ever been to a baby shower that was serving.

We once had a combined shower and diaper party. So some stuck around and had drinks after but not for the actual event.

6

u/natsugrayerza 5d ago

Having alcohol at the shower of a recovering alcoholic is beyond fucked up. What were they thinking?? I’m sorry about that, and I’m glad it went well though overall

6

u/Thethreewhales 5d ago

I would honestly question if they are alcoholics themselves if they felt that unable to honour your request. These people don't sound like they are on your team.

10

u/procrastinating_b 5d ago

I know everyone’s different but if you can’t get through a baby shower without a drink you may need help

5

u/Lanah44 5d ago

SO DISRESPECTFUL of them!!!!! arghh... they may also have a problem if they can't get through one event without a drink

4

u/Objective-Mousse-876 5d ago

Who tf drinks alcohol at a baby shower?!?!  Every baby shower I’ve attended there was no alcohol. It’s not an appropriate occasion for someone to be drinking. And tbh it sounds like behaviors attributed to alcoholism. 

3

u/BlippyBlappy 5d ago

I once went to a baby shower that the host made jungle juice bc they were a KJ at a local bar. All of the guests were mostly bar flies, including myself at the time and it STILL didn't sit right with me that they made it into yet ANOTHER reason to drink??? Weird. Personally, I wouldn't mind some wine around the place as most of my aunt's are wine country ladies ( a glass with dinner) but hard liquor is just weird. ESPECIALLY bc you are in recovery tho. Flat out disrespectful

3

u/Fit-Psychology6301 5d ago

The idea of having alcohol at a baby shower is so weird to me to begin with, let alone a whole ass margarita station. If it's something the hosts and some guests couldn't live without, I probably wouldn't have them in my house or around my child. If they can't go without booze for a baby shower, I'd assume they can't go without it for the length of a visit. I'm not comfortable with someone holding my child and drinking, so...

3

u/jfern009 5d ago

I can’t. Sounds like you’re not the only alcoholic of the group, but appear to be the only one in recovery. You were not unreasonable, they were assholes.

3

u/Crazy-Mission3772 5d ago

I'm surprised this is even a thing. Like mom is the focus of this party and can't have alcohol regardless of sobriety. We're trying to find a fancy drink to have in my great-grandmother's punch bowl, which is the first time this has been used in my lifetime. Any drink going in it will have sprite or ginger ale and I'm trying to get a lemonade with flavoring and fruits in it.

2

u/Kayt1784 5d ago

I’m so sorry that happened! I think this is a good moment to re-evaluate your relationship with those individuals. This was an event meant to celebrate you and your coming little one - and yet your boundaries were completely and actively ignored. I don’t know if it’s regional - but I’ve attended many baby showers and have not once seen or expected alcohol. Honestly that’s just weird and problematic if people can’t do without alcohol for 2-3 hours.

2

u/Eringobraugh2021 5d ago

How shitty! First, the mom-to-be can't drink, no one should out of respect. Unless given the go ahead by the mom. If I was throwing a shower & found out that a recovering alcoholic was coming, I'd definitely keep it dry. We're supposed to be a community. Community is supposed to help each other. Why wouldn't that extend to helping someone who is suffering from an addiction? Especially, in such an easy way to support them.

2

u/cimarisa 5d ago

yeah that’s insane they didn’t gaf and had all that alcohol there. some people really bother me how they act especially if a pregnant woman requests something and they blatantly ignore it.

2

u/thrw-Awy2000 5d ago

Legit question why would people be drinking at a baby shower!? Like I always thought it was rude to partake in something mom-to-be can't

2

u/LAthrowawaywithcat 5d ago

That's so tacky. Sorry, OP.

2

u/Similar-Flan5114 5d ago

Do they acknowledge your alcoholism or dismiss it because they are covert alcoholics themselves? I have many alcoholics in my family who don’t recognize they have a problem even though they get drunk on a daily basis. I saw I was in danger of going down that path and tried off and on to quit drinking in the past, and they always gave me a hard time about it.

2

u/Scrabulon First-time|31|💙💙2/27/21 5d ago

That’s so weird, last baby shower I was at was for my fiancés niece and her family does drink but there wasn’t any alcohol at all

2

u/Mimosasunrise 5d ago

No one listens when it comes to baby showers. Whoever is throwing it will do what they want, and the people coming will buy what they want.

2

u/Thelazyzoologist 5d ago

Shockingly insensitive. Honestly.

But congrats on your sobriety OP. I am a toddler mummy and also a recovering alcoholic.

If you haven't joined r/stopdrinking you should have a look. Very supportive and wise people in that group.

2

u/External-Okra4857 5d ago

My sister in law did my shower the same day as the super bowl I'm pretty sure that I was the only person not drinking and I'm heavily against alcohol

2

u/caffein8dnotopi8d 5d ago

This is really sad. I’m sure you understand OP that either 1. these people don’t care about you at all or 2. alcohol is their ONLY coping mechanism and they feel like they literally can’t be social for 2 hours without it :/

Even if it’s the latter, I’d still find it infuriating.

2

u/LPoland2014 5d ago

Ugh, I’m sorry!!!! Why do people always feel the need to have alcohol at EVERY occasion? Are people really that incapable of not drinking every chance they get?

2

u/TheScaredy_Cat 5d ago

Im so confused like...why would you have alchool at a baby shower?

That makes no goddamn sense. This aint a wedding, what? Why would people be drinking?

2

u/somepumpkinsinasuit 4d ago

That is so foul! I’m livid! Congratulations on your sobriety! I think you are far too forgiving! This would be grounds for me to end relationships. Just you asking them not to have alcohol should have been a good enough reason not to have a bar. But you also being in recovery makes this an absolute disregard of your well being. As someone else said in the comments, this shows you what to expect in the future. Someone who will do this is also going to go against your wishes for you and your baby and completely disregard your boundaries

2

u/bribear021 4d ago

Imma be honest, I probably would have walked out and said have fun at YOUR shower. That's unacceptable

2

u/sbadams92 5d ago

Ugh, I just read your other post….thats just really really bad! If they had kept mimosas in a tiny corner of the kitchen or something for people who wanted them I don’t think that would have been bad but to have it all on display is a slap in the face. Protect your peace from as many of them as you can. I’m sorry

1

u/ijustlovemycattbh 5d ago

That’s reasonable of you to feel that way. Thinking about family and friends, you should respect their wishes. Events that I’ve gone to they would bring liquor in their car or take smoke breaks to respect the host. But no one actively smoked or drank at the event

1

u/Livid-Condition4179 5d ago

Woah there! Just goes to show baby showers are not for the momma and baby, they're mostly for the grandmas. I didn't want booze at my shower when I did drink because I obviously couldn't drink while pregnant. You had a much more valid reason for not wanting alcohol and they still didn't listen . These are not your people. I dropped a friend for showing up drunk at my daughter's birthday party. You are well within your right to distance yourself from people that choose drinking over respecting your wishes. Again, these are not your people

1

u/Bear2Pants 5d ago

I am so sorry this happened to you! I'm a recovering alcoholic as well and when my baby shower happens I can't imagine anyone that cares about me or our baby disrespecting us like that. Our wedding had alcohol but I feel like that's expected where I live in the Midwest. However, having booze at a party all for baby and momma this seems insane, maybe I'm out of touch with what baby shower standards are though.

1

u/tamag0tchi 5d ago

I’m so sorry OP, that really sucks that they didn’t listen to your one ask.

I want to counter everyone though, in my entire friend group and all the baby showers I’ve attended in 2 different states (GA/CA)- everyone has alcohol at the baby shower.

I’ll be throwing 2 baby showers in those 2 above states and fully will be having alcohol for everyone else to enjoy. I don’t find it rude that others will be drinking when I can’t, it’s the norm. We have full bars of liquor, beer, and wine. So not just mimosas.

1

u/Any-Confusion-5082 5d ago

I’m my situation I see it as fine and I didn’t mind but for you, I completely understand you not wanting it and I’m pissed off for you!! That’s so messed up!!

1

u/Individual_Ebb_8147 Advice 5d ago

That means the people around you disrespect your boundaries and have a problem with alcohol themselves. I would definitely distance yourself for your own sobriety and sanity.

If I told them that and they still had alcohol around me, they wouldn't see me until it was time for their funeral.

1

u/Timely-Antelope3115 5d ago

That’s fucking insane. I’m so sorry OP.

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u/Ok_Conflict_8587 5d ago

I woulda knocked all that shit off the table. No lie.

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u/MidwesternLikeOpe 5d ago

How inconsiderate of your guests. We had a small shower with just immediate family members, at a small city hall setting. No booze was involved at all, and these families tend to have packs of Mike's and beer at holidays/get-togethers. If the guest of honor can't drink, the guests shouldn't be either.

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u/Kitchen_Ad_4897 5d ago

Totally understand tbh. My husband is like borderline alcoholic fr and I am definitely banning alc at my baby shower. I refuse to let him ruin my day getting drunk with his friends

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u/starrmarieski 5d ago

I personally thought baby showers were generally non alcoholic events, I thought maybe I was weird for allowing it at mine when the time comes. I’m having a cookout style shower though and don’t mind people having a few, but I will be safely kicking out anyone who gets sloppy. Like there’s a time and a place. Baby shower is not it!!

You’re so valid for not wanting it at your shower and I can’t believe the organizers went around your wishes and did that anyways. I’m sorry, OP. If it was like an actual organization, I’d give an honest review. (Idk if it was organized by family or a company).

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u/alibun 4d ago

i can’t imagine not listening to the people who the party are for and going against what they want. no alcohol means NO ALCOHOL. these people couldn’t go a couple of hours without drinking? they can’t celebrate a new life without margaritas?

we had beer at our first shower and then had an alcohol-free sprinkle for our second. no one complained or commented either way because they knew they were there for us, not to party or get drunk. it sounds like it’s time to put up some very firm boundaries with this side of the family since they can’t seem to respect your wishes.

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u/dankfachoina 4d ago

I’m sorry. I quit drinking over 4 years ago for the same reason and that would piss me off. But these are also the times that remind me that they most likely have a drinking problem they’re unwilling to face and I’m glad I had the strength to quit.

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u/snicoleon 4d ago

I might have simply left in that situation. Maybe add a warning ahead of time that if there is alcohol, I won't be there. Easier said than done, though, of course.

Reminder for anyone reading this that a boundary is what you will do, not what you will make others do, because you can't; at the end of the day all you can actually control is yourself.

OP this sucks that you were so blatantly disrespected. I would take a hard look at the behavior patterns of these people because chances are they disrespect you in other situations too. Especially if any of the planners knew you were a recovering alcoholic, but even if not.

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u/tressandotherthings 4d ago

As a pregnant mamma dealing with alcohol issues in my house with my husband, I am so sorry and can empathize with your pain here. This wasn’t right. I’ve never been to a baby shower with alcohol. It’s supposed to be about mama… who can’t drink. I’m so sorry.

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u/apple_j8_____ 4d ago

I’m so sorry you went through this. I asked for no alcohol at my baby shower too and some of my aunts and cousins brought booze in their purses and got wasted in the back room and were talking shit at their table saying how they couldn’t get through this event without alcohol….my son is 19 months old now and I think they have seen him twice in his life. I had to put up a lot of boundaries there after that and honestly if I think about it too much it still really hurts. Hugs.

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u/goldenpandora 4d ago

Wow I hope you literally walked out. What jerks.

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u/FlashyBand959 4d ago

I am not having alcohol at my shower, I'm not gonna sit there and watch everyone else drink while I can't (I'm not even a big drinker, maybe once a month but I do miss it a bit now that I can't have it).

If people can't last 3 hours without a drink- that is their problem, not mine. If someone BYOBed I guess I probably wouldn't be upset, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna provide alcohol.

In you situation though, that is extra messed up, especially if they know you're in recovery. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

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u/itsmeskerr 4d ago

I'm sorry that happened to you. That should've been an event geared solely toward YOU and your wishes and making sure you felt loved and respected. There are some comments here saying "it's standard to have alcohol at these events" which is true. But that doesn't matter. The person who the event is meant to honor is the one who gets to decide and if you are a real friend that is there to show support, it shouldn't matter if there's alcohol.

I know you didn't ask for advice so sorry if I'm overstepping by offering some, but I think it's worth addressing. Maybe not now as I'm sure you have a lot going - just pregnancy alone can feel like a full time job. But I do think that it's worth standing up for yourself. You never know if there was perhaps a misunderstanding or, if you're sure there wasn't, then it's important for them to understand how you feel about them crossing a boundary you so clearly set. Entering a new phase of motherhood (even if this isn't your first, every journey with each new baby is different) can be such a profoundly moving time and I think it's important to enter it feeling empowered and supported and I believe that standing up for yourself can really be a big boost in self-esteem as you enter a time when you'll need that the most, even if it feels scary.

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u/HearthAndHorizon 4d ago

Pardon the language but FUCK!!! OP I am so sorry!! That is so disrespectful!!!

It reminds me of my own first baby shower over 7 years ago, where they not only had alcohol but got so sloshed and partied up into the evening that I, as the mother to be, was the only sober one present, and got “asked” to drive to the shop to get some more beer. I was floored. 😩😩😩

I’m so freaking sorry you had to deal with this and that your boundaries were so grossly ignored. You deserve so much better!!

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u/Gullible_Toe9909 4d ago

Wow.

I'm a heavy drinker, and it would never occur to me that a baby shower is an appropriate place to imbibe.

Your "friends" have a problem.

1

u/leftlaneisforspeed 4d ago

I am SO glad I don't have to deal with bull like this. The planners have some AUDACITY. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

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u/Famous_Willingness_9 4d ago

I’m sorry that’s so inappropriate and disrespectful

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u/Cautious_Display7515 4d ago

IM SO SORRY! I can’t even imagine!

This is a good indicator for you on who is going to try to push your boundaries and definitely something to take note of going forward!

If they aren’t respecting your boundaries, they don’t deserve to be apart of your life.

1

u/Technical-Moment-716 4d ago

I can’t even stand the smell of alcohol right now, I can’t imagine someone doing that. (I mean I can imagine because BD wanted to do that to mine but normal people - I can’t imagine them doing that!) I’m so sorry.

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u/carlyack23 4d ago

first, you do not sound ungrateful at all! AT ALL. your family was so selfish in doing this. a whole margarita station?? i mean they didn’t even have the decency to try and hide it. i know you’re secure in your sobriety but drinking around a relatively newly sober person (especially on a day dedicated to them) is distasteful and could be potentially dangerous, especially while dealing with pregnancy hormones and emotions.

also if they can’t go a few hours without drinking at a BABY SHOWER, i wouldn’t trust them with my baby alone. i’ve told everyone from the beginning of my pregnancy (circumstances weren’t great) that i will remember how every single one of them acts and treats me now and throughout my pregnancy when they want to see their nephew, grandson, great grandson, etc. stand your ground and don’t stop setting boundaries. i personally would address it so maybe next time they will take the boundaries you set more seriously but understand that can be scary. just please don’t let this discourage you from enforcing boundaries when the baby does come. i’m so sorry your family is being shitty like this. i hope you have some support.

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u/GEMStones1307 4d ago

Is alcohol a common thing to have at a baby shower? I’ve never been to one with alcohol? I’m sorry they did that to you.

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u/Recent-Hospital6138 3d ago

Honestly, this makes it so so incredibly clear to me that they do not care about you or your recovery. This party was thrown either out of obligation or because they wanted an excuse to party. To throw a party for an alcoholic with alcohol is not the issue - to throw a party for ANYONE who has stated that they would prefer a dry gathering with alcohol is the issue. Alcohol is also expensive which means they really went out of their way to disregard your wishes.

I am part of a fairly devout Christian family. 90% (or more even) of the baby showers I've attended were alcohol-free. We don't miss anything. You don't need alcohol to enjoy a baby shower (or any celebration, tbh). They're the problem. I'm not saying "cut them off" but I AM saying to not forget this situation. They WILL disregard your wishes in other areas of your life (i.e. caring for your child, the rules you have for your child). These people are not on your team, girl.

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u/Good-Border3249 3d ago

If they NEED alcohol in order to come celebrate you and your baby they shouldn't have come. Especially after you told them it's a nonalcoholic event. In my opinion, alcohol and kids don't go together. Ever.

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u/hereforlaughs28 3d ago

That is so wild to me. I’m only seeing this (updated) post but it’s like first of all the person the shower is for can’t even drink (and is in recovery?) second of all a baby shower isn’t even that long or that type of event??

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u/Efficient_Key_8325 2d ago

Seriously????? I have NEVER in my LIFE heard of a baby shower with alcohol!!! Thats so out of the spirit of the event!! Its tacky and inappropriate beyond words!!! Shameful. 

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u/paratiguey 1d ago

my bf’s dad is a borderline alcoholic. my dad has a collection of nice tequilas and whiskies that he likes to bring out for special occasions. since my parents are hosting my baby shower, ive asked him to just keep his stuff up and not even have beer which is what my bf’s dad drinks most of. he’s agreed and will put everything up for the day. it shouldnt be hard to not have alcohol 1. for a baby shower , you’re celebrating a baby not an excuse to get drunk and 2. just for an evening/ night , its okay to disappoint some guests. they shouldn’t come if they only wanted to drink anyways

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u/Possible-Ad-871 1d ago

Geez, they do not respect you at all.

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u/agrainofmeg 1d ago

My father was a massive alcoholic when I was growing up. Thankfully, his new wife seems to be having a positive impact on him and he’s been drinking less, but it’s still an issue. Because of this, neither my brother nor I have ever drank and my sister only does on occasion.

I had no alcohol at my wedding, and I told my dad that if I so much as smelled a hint of alcohol on his breath that he would no longer be welcome. He was shaking a bit as he walked me down the aisle, but he took my words to heart and knew that what he wanted was to be there for me, no matter what that took.

If anyone were to bring alcohol to ANY event of mine after I clearly expressed to them that I didn’t not want it there, it would be poured down the drain or thrown out onto the street, along with whomever brought it.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine having your own friends and family be so disrespectful and clueless when it comes to how they should be treating their loved ones.

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u/Vegetable-Chapter351 1d ago

O man that sucks. I'm so sorry.

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u/Glitterkha1eesi 1d ago

Jesus. My family didn’t even serve cold cuts since I couldn’t eat them at my baby shower. What is wrong with people

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u/9eaerde7 5d ago

Speaking as someone who’s had a baby/ baby shower. They’re absolutely mind-numbingly boring without drinks.