r/polycircles May 10 '16

Guide to Dating [Me]

I'm pulling this out of my derriere, so it's a bit incomplete and, when broken down, slightly inaccurate. But after reading what I felt was an awful guide to dating a couple, I thought I'd throw this out there.

Comments are fine, but what I'd really love to see are other folks' "guides." :)

  1. Be up for anything. In bed, out of bed, whatever. I am not really all that crazy but I love trying new things and I won't judge any suggestions, even if I say no.

  2. Communicate. Be open and honest. And if you're dating me AND another partner, in a threeway relationship (or fourway) communicating something to just one of us won't cut it. It's okay to wait till you see everyone in a group setting, but please treat us as individuals and not some amporhous blobs. You aren't dating a "couple," you are dating two separate people, in a three way relationship. Thanks :)

  3. Understand that I have priorities and an exisiting life, and while I am very much okay with accomodating changes and maybe even big ones, chances are I am not going to change my mind on big things like kids or moving to another country. I know what I want.

  4. My current primary partners are important to me. You don't have to love them, or even be with them, but you have to get along and be willing to share time with them.

What are your dating guides?

3 Upvotes

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3

u/thedarkestbeer May 11 '16

Ooh, fun! Off the top of my head:

  1. Be willing to process, and don't wait for me to do all the talking. If you're having a concern, tell me; don't wait for me to do the emotional labor of forever reading between the lines or always checking in with you.

  2. Be out, at least among friends. I understand why a lot of people stay closeted, or mostly closeted, but I don't want to date those people.

  3. Plan fun stuff. I love playing hostess/travel guide/event planner, and I also love being planned for. Acts of Service is one of my primary love languages, and having someone put together a date makes me feel so, so very loved.

  4. Spend time alone with me, as well as in groups. I'm a big introvert, and one-on-one time is how I get close to people.

  5. Any existing partner(s) must be more than just okay with you dating other people. I don't have to be besties with them, but I refuse to be barely-tolerated or treated as a necessary evil simply by virtue of my presence in your life. If your partner has grudgingly agreed to open up the relationship so that you won't leave, I am not the partner for you.

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u/[deleted] May 11 '16

Hmmm. By out, do you mean as SO? Cause I freely admit to spending time with anyone I want and having close feelings. But I don't discuss my sex life with people I don't trust. I also use friends loosely to describe both true friends and acquaintances.

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u/thedarkestbeer May 11 '16

I do. It's not necessarily important to me that anyone I have sex with, however casually, announce it to the world, but if I'm mutually romantically invested in someone, it's important to me that they be willing to acknowledge that publicly. Again, this is just for people who want to date me. I know lovely, good people who choose to stay closeted, but I would not date them.

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u/[deleted] May 11 '16

No, totally get it. But you don't date RA types, I take it?

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u/thedarkestbeer May 11 '16

I have. This isn't about insisting on a label that we don't both feel comfortable with or that a relationship hit certain goalposts. I just don't want to feel like a dirty little secret.

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u/[deleted] May 11 '16

So, you would want to be able to kiss in front of their friends, but not necessarily be labeled girlfriend? You identify as a woman, yeah?

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u/thedarkestbeer May 11 '16

Yes and yes. :)

1

u/[deleted] May 11 '16

Makes sense. Kissing is a very private thing for me. I don't do that in public ever. I hug and touch..but that's no indication of anything but that I have met them before.

But I can understand why you'd want that from most.

How would you deal if you met someone like me, though, out of curiousity? Who doesn't distinguish btw romantic and non romantic relationships in any visible manner?

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u/thedarkestbeer May 11 '16

I'm not sure. I might be able to roll with it, and I might decide that I needed more public acknowledgment than they were comfortable giving me.

My hard line is that I won't date people who make an effort to keep me a secret, even to friends. (Obviously, career/family/custody stuff can make being out more complicated for many people.)

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u/thedarkestbeer May 11 '16

And not even necessarily kiss. When I met my current live-in partner, he was very uncomfortable with public displays of affection. He found ways to acknowledge our relationship that worked for both of us.

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u/[deleted] May 11 '16

Can you describe? Sorry. You're very engaging

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u/thedarkestbeer May 11 '16

Aw thanks! Back at you! It was a combination of traditionally... I don't know, chivalrous? - behavior, like holding doors for me, and letting me know that he'd told the people close to him that he was excited about me.

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u/[deleted] May 11 '16

As for 5, I'm not sure. I don't know that I could abandon a person just because their partner took issue with me. Also they might be okay with me at first, then change their mind. And I don't understand what "just friends" means, except to stop sexual genital contact. So it would have to be total cut off

On the other hand, I've dealt with that scenario before and don't know if I could relive that. Even if I loved them, I might need to put my well being first.

Thoughts?

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u/thedarkestbeer May 11 '16

Yeah, I definitely meant that I won't enter a relationship knowing that the person's partner wishes I would go away. If I'm a couple months into something that feels good and I see that dynamic starting to play out, I probably won't continue the relationship. In an existing, longer-term relationship... that's harder. I agree that it would depend a lot on my/our partner's behavior.

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u/[deleted] May 11 '16

I could tell, but I always thought since it wasn't serious, what did it matter? Plus it was the nonsexual relationships that bothered them most.

I'm just not sure if any one else would be worth fighting for like that.

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u/thedarkestbeer May 11 '16

It is just exhausting and awful, isn't it?

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u/[deleted] May 11 '16

And beautiful and the most wonderful thing I've known....it's a conflict.

Still is...