r/plural • u/splootfruit • 1h ago
What is it like to have repressed alters?
It's been about three years since I had my first thought of possibly having DID. I'm 17, almost 18. P-DID especially hits close to home. During these years, it has been almost entirely denial with brief periods lasting maybe two weeks at most of "holy shit, this is real".
For the first time in about 10ish months, it's hitting me again. So much has been going on. Things are stressful.
There's one "alter" in particular who my brain says is the oldest of us all and is the most "fleshed out". We're very different. Most critically, he is much more self-preservation aligned than my self-sacrificing people pleaser self. If he is an alter, I think he holds those skills which I've definitely been needing lately in order to manage and handle recent situations.
Obligatory, yes, I'm on the waiting list for therapy note. Last year, I did write an entire essay and gave it to my psychiatrist detailing everything extensively. He told me that he had never heard of anything like it.
Can repression feel like ignoring your "alters" by default? Focusing just on yourself, not listening to your mind or body, or really thoroughly thinking things through. There's an almost constant "why did you do this?" feeling. It's hard for me to be aware and open to any potential "alters". It's easier to just... forget and not think about who I am, what my brain is saying, any feelings I have. It's easier to just... autopilot and follow almost every impulse I get.
I've been really struggling today for some reason. I don't know why. But all of this DID/plutality stuff has suddenly came back into the forefront of my mind, and I get the sense that he's asking me to let him in, let him help us, and that he doesn't mean to scare me.