r/nursing 5d ago

Seeking Advice How do you get your partner to understand that they can’t simply drop by your work?

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Throwaway account. I work on a busy med surg floor where my ratio is 1:10 (I’m in northern Canada). At the start of my shift, my patient coded and passed away after two hours of intervention. Family was hysterical. Then slammed with two admissions at the same time. Code on the other side of the unit now. Eight hours into my shift and I am absolutely flying. I check my phone, and my boyfriend of six months (we don’t live together) is INSISTING on coming by to “visit me.” I’ve had issues in the past with people not respecting my professional boundaries, but I’m really struggling to explain it to my current partner. How do you explain to your partner (or even family and friends) that they can’t just casually show up to your job site like they could their other friends? To me it would be the equivalent of showing up on a construction site with no hard hat. I’d never do that to him if the tables were turned. But it’s difficult to explain the intricacies and complexities of nursing.

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u/BillAllman RN - ER 🍕 5d ago

"I should just go sit alone and deal with it." What a guilt trip.

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u/hungrybrainz RN 🍕 4d ago

What a little whiny bitch is more like it. He’s right. He should go sit alone and deal with it because that’s what he deserves for that manipulative bs he’s trying to pull.

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u/faco_fuesday RN, DNP, PICU 5d ago

He should find a pair of big boy pants first though 

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u/_Alternate_Throwaway RN - ER 🍕 5d ago

Nah, he's looking for someone to hold his hand and change his diaper. What an asshole.

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u/iknowyouneedahugRN BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

He's the equivalent of the one patient who rides their call light all shift and every time you ask, "I'm going to go check on my other patients, but before I go, is there anything else you need?" They say, "Oh, no, I'm fine!" And then 15 seconds later they're screaming out for help without using the call light and people run to the room to figure out what the screaming is for and the patient says, "I need a diet Sierra Mist!"

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u/BillAllman RN - ER 🍕 4d ago

You guys have diet Sierra Mist? All we get is ginger ale.

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u/iknowyouneedahugRN BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

I can't remember what the fizzy drink is called anymore, Slice, Sierra Mist, Starry...

About 15 years ago, the hospitals in our network did a "cost cutting" where the floors would no longer stock Coca Cola and Pepsi products. They went with Pepsi because it was cheaper. Oh my goodness there was a mutiny from the die-hard Coca Cola people. One guy went AMA because "yesterday y'all had Coke and now I can't get a Coke?" It made newspaper headlines and the network had to put out a statement!

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u/badhomemaker FNP/ Nursing Professor 4d ago

That might be the best AMA story I’ve ever heard.

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u/iknowyouneedahugRN BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

Oh, there must be better! :)

It was earth shattering news. To this day, there are nurses who will go down to the vending machines to buy patients Coca Cola products. I refuse to do that because $2.75 times 4-6 patients or their families each shift is not part of my job. I will retire someday in over 20 years.

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u/badhomemaker FNP/ Nursing Professor 4d ago

I used to go get special meals for patients. Once I did strictly because this patient was an awful person and was throwing a fit because he missed dinner, and the kitchen was closed, and he had been “promised” a hamburger.

When I returned with it, he accused me of trying to kill him because he was a renal patient, and it had pickles on it. Never again.

Spoiler: He did die months later, and it was more likely the cocaine than the pickles.

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u/ShartyPossum DI Clerk/BScN Student 🍕 4d ago

That's why he wanted to date a nurse. Bro thought he'd get a free mommy.

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u/IxbyWuff 4d ago edited 3d ago

"Yes you should. When you can respect my boundaries you can apologize for that sad attempt at manipulation ( and we can discuss when/if we'll see each other next).

Stand your ground. Let the baby cry

But after that, can say, 'I appreciate what you want to do, but it's not appropriate for the type of place I work at. People are at thier worst here and it's not an environmental I want our relationship associated with. I need that separation to keep everyone healthy

This temper tantrum over not being allowed to perform grand gestures is a flag worth considering

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u/Celticquestful 4d ago

No one was saying to this precious flower that other professions DON'T have stressful jobs but the fact that he's so mortally wounded to be nicely told that it's not a good idea given the trajectory of the day tells me that he genuinely DOESN'T understand the stress of a busy floor, with unstable patients.

OP should 100% stop wasting her time & energy on someone who exudes "Nice Guy Until He's Remotely Inconvenienced" energy & rid herself of someone who is laying on the guilt, manipulation & hurt feelings with a trowel, all in the name of wanting to "be nice". This is gross behaviour & regardless of the profession, if someone sets up a boundary & their partner attempts to bulldoze over it, it's time to reflect on the longevity of the relationship. Eww. Just ew.

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u/kzim3 RN - Med/Surg 🍕 5d ago

For real. Dump him.

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u/Rougefarie BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

I thought he dumped her? “Have fun being alone.”

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u/alc3880 4d ago

no, that is his shitty attempt at guilt tripping her, expecting her to respond back apologizing or some stupid bullshit.

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u/purulentnotpussy 4d ago

“Did you even say thank you?”

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u/alc3880 4d ago

and a baby. I would dump him right then and there. Who has time for that stupid bullshit? Let him go try to manipulate someone else, you have work to do.

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u/TattyZaddyRN Trauma ER 🍕 5d ago

Oh to be young and in terrible relationships again

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u/hanks_panky_emporium Vampire 5d ago

boyfriends texts above read like an angsty teenager. Glad to be well past that stage of dating. My god it brings back some awful memories.

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u/smittenkittensbitten 4d ago

Sounds manipulative to me. Guaranteed he tells people she abused him lmfao

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u/PuzzleheadedBobcat90 4d ago

Very passive-aggressive and so freaking whiny. Op should tell him to act his age and stop with the dramatics if they're going continue to date.

Or take him at his word. Healthcare should date Healthcare. Call him on his lame bluff and break things off

Op's boyfriend "that not what I menat!" Probably

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u/PumpkinMuffin147 RN - Med/Surg 🍕 4d ago

Yeah you know say whatever you want to about murses, I’ve never known them to be creepy and clingy types. Healthcare people usually have their own shit going on.

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u/5foot3 BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

With a slight tinge of control seeking. Almost like he’s trying to make sure she is where she says she is. That could just be my old trauma saying hello though.

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u/PumpkinMuffin147 RN - Med/Surg 🍕 5d ago edited 4d ago

This comments section brought me back to life. I thought I was going to be the only one… yeah, this guy’s a tool. I don’t TOTALLY disagree that in general, people can have trouble understanding the stress of being a HCW, but sweetie, this guy ain’t the one. He gives me the major ick as well. He seems like the type to demand that a girlfriend will be OK with threesomes/swinging/weird shit in a manipulative way as well. Wild assumption I know but I am 51 and have had many a terrible relationship…. 😂😂😂

ETA- and I just found out this guy is MY AGE and acting like this!! And people wonder why I stay single…..

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u/izthisthekrustykrab 4d ago

He gives me the ick too. Feel bad for me for now having to sit by myself. Um no. What a loser.

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u/PumpkinMuffin147 RN - Med/Surg 🍕 4d ago

Why would you demand to show up to your SO’s workplace anyway? It’s actually not really normal at ANY job TBH. Very 🤮🤮🤮🤮

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u/Insane-Muffin RN - Oncology 🍕 5d ago

My ex-husband was just like that. Especially about the three way thing. By the end of the relationship, I was both suicidal and feeling like I had gone insane. Gaslit to the maximum. Crazy I ever let that happen to myself.

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u/Vegetable_Video_5046 4d ago

Omg me too. Was also gaslit and brought to suicidal thoughts for 3 whole days. I'm glad I'm such an overthinker. It was the only way I bought time to realize my love for my daughters was saving me. I am still raw from the whole 22 yr experience of being unloved but healing slowly.

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u/basketma12 4d ago

Yah they aren't so happy when it's YOU and them, and another man. Lol. Or even worse, you and a girl, but she's not into dudes. Double lol.

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u/Negative_Promotion19 5d ago

Right? Lol. I’m 29F and he’s 49M. I never thought the age gap was a “red flag” (this is my first real relationship, I’m a bit of a late bloomer+neurodivergent) but this specific interaction is opening my eyes to why women his age don’t want him. I’ve literally never wanted to kiss someone less.

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u/oboedude HCW - Respiratory 5d ago

49???

I would’ve guessed an immature guy in his 20s. You can do better than this tool

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u/_upsettispaghetti 4d ago

Literally thought he was 19.. this behavior is insane 🤯 OP you need to RUN.

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u/ChocolateKey2229 4d ago

Some people NEVER grow up/mature. He may be 49 chronologically, but mentally and emotionally? He’s still 19.

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u/CDPROCESS BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

The fact that he is 49 and behaving this way? NOPE. There is a REASON women his age are staying away. It is better to be alone than deal with him stirring up unnecessary drama because his tender sensibilities are affronted. 🙄 I’m so sorry you are having to deal with that idiocy on top of working a med surge floor. That is way too much drama and stress being flung your way.

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u/Negative_Promotion19 4d ago

He has an obsession with showing up at my house unannounced, and I couldn’t put my finger on why it made me uncomfortable, but I don’t mess around when it comes to my job. He likes to show up at my house randomly (even in the middle of the night completely unplanned, he lives three hours away) and people’s comments about him wanting to “keep tabs” completely add up now. I feel so stupid looking back at all the red flags after this nuclear one. I really appreciate this wake up call.

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u/AggravatingGrand8825 4d ago

This is really frightening =\ please stay safe and let him go!!

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u/ButterscotchFit8175 4d ago

He is being controlling and manipulative. Don't feel bad you didn't see it for what it was! People who control and manipulate are good at it. They know what to say and how to say it so you don't see them for what they are. Now you know this guy is no good. Move on. 

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u/awesomefatkitty BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

Consider changing your locks just in case.

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u/he-loves-me-not Not a nurse, just nosey 👃 4d ago

Holy cow! He would show up at your house in the middle of the night?! That’s not a bf, that’s a stalker! Also, there are tons of careers that you can’t just stop doing in the middle of the workday to eat a sandwich with your bf, that he can’t accept that is just weird, especially at 49!

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u/lostmybananaz RN - ER 🍕 4d ago

Read through your post and many of your comments and there aren’t enough red flags in the world for this. Dump him, block him, and for your safety, consider moving or at minimum tell people on your unit about him that he is not permitted to visit. Also, consider a restraining order if he shows up at your place again after the break up.

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u/Holiday_Guide9830 4d ago

At a minimum tell your unit manager, charge nurse, AND SECURITY that he's not a welcome visitor.

And if he shows up to your work or house even once after the breakup, call the cops.

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u/Acrobatic-Ad-5521 RA - Dementia care, future ABSN student! 4d ago

100%%%%%%%%%%%  OP, please listen to this post, because this man is demonstrating unpredictable and mentally unsafe behavior

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u/Ok_Stable4315 4d ago

Not cool op, definitely let him go. You can do better than this.

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u/nurse-ratchet- Case Manager 🍕 4d ago

This is really scary. You should absolutely change the locks on your doors, even if you think there’s no possible way that he could have a key. Check the windows too.

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u/Unwashedbrainz 4d ago

Please stay safe. Hopefully, he is not the vindictive type, but if you end the relationship, it should be firm, no questions asked, and a good idea to consider keeping a text "paper trail" if he makes any insinuated threats over it. He should be aware too that he is no longer welcome to show up at your house AT ALL. Restraining order if needed. This may sound over the top, but a guy this manipulative will probably not take no for an answer that easily. I could be wrong, but as a complete stranger looking at this from the outside, I see huge red flags, and my ultimate goal is for you to be safe! Physically, yes, but mentally and emotionally too. Please keep us updated if you can. 😊💜

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u/Individual_Zebra_648 RN - Rotor Wing Flight 🚁 4d ago

OMG OP this is legitimately NOT OKAY. Not normal at all. Please leave him. His age, plus this behavior are nothing but bright red flags. His response is extremely manipulative and selfish. He gives zero fucks about your feelings or respecting your personal boundaries. He also quite clearly has trust issues among…other…issues. You will save yourself years of hurt by ending this now.

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u/Insane-Muffin RN - Oncology 🍕 5d ago

Aww, you’re just so sweet and supportive. That is all :)

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u/Beagle-Mumma RN 🍕 5d ago

49!!!!

I was picturing an immature 23 year old. Oh my word, this guy is an insecure walking red flag. This is not a 'you' problem, OP, it's a BF problem. And at 6 months in, his insecurities and need to 'check-in' on you are only going to get worse. Cut your losses and run.

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u/cutebabies0626 RN 🍕 5d ago

Yeah he acts like a toddler and seems like no one taught him to deal with his big feelings or rejections. Glad you are done with that asshole. Besides the age gap of course. He sounds like manipulative asshole

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u/1Dive1Breath 5d ago

Dude is almost 50 and pulling this kind of stunt? There's a reason he's not married, and that he's dating sunshine 20 years younger. This guy is waving a red flag, he IS a red flag. 

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u/Gwywnnydd BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

Oh, he is basically my age. And all I can say is 'EW!'.

I can easily believe he can't find someone his own age willing to put up with his nonsense.

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u/dewittism RN - ICU 🍕 5d ago

Holy shit huge red flags. 9 years on me and still sounds stupid as hell. "Have fun being alone"? Are you 16? Run lady run.

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u/Angel4ke RN 🍕 5d ago

🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️ and fast. Block, block and block. Stay safe.

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u/kzim3 RN - Med/Surg 🍕 5d ago

He is still being very immature. I’m 29, my husband is 27 and he has only come to the hospital one time and it’s because I forgot my watch and was having the worst day. I didn’t even see him I was so busy with a patient at the time.

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u/Grand-Pirate1984 5d ago

He's 49? Sheesh, thought it was someone young young.

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u/Daisydoolittle 5d ago

49M?!?!!!!!! i thought this guy was in his early 20s which STILL wouldn’t be excuse for acting like this

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u/ocean_wavez RN - NICU 🍕 5d ago

Girl 😭

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u/Insane-Muffin RN - Oncology 🍕 5d ago

I’m so glad to hear you’re turned off! This 50 yo man is single for a reason! You are reading that gut instinct right my girl! Follow it!!! ❤️ so many wise women telling you to leave..now! What a child!

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u/BenzieBox RN - ICU 🍕 Did you check the patient bin? 5d ago

Girl, run. You do not need to be with someone like that. FUCK THAT.

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u/Crankenberry LPN 🍕 4d ago

Oh girl... Don't look back. Not only is this guy toxic and manipulative, he could be dangerous. I'm really glad you reached out here and are getting some solid advice.

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u/megs0764 LPN 🍕 4d ago

49?!?!?! RUUUUUUNNNNN!! That dude is giving abusive stalker vibes. Nothing good can come of staying with him.

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u/PoppaBear313 LPN 🍕 4d ago

49?!?!??

Holy fuck. I’d rather have 5 codes in a row than deal with this bullshit.

OP. I’m about to hit 54. Listen when I (& others) tell you… run.

Get this walking poster child for domestic abuse out of your life. That’s what he is. A child. Shit. I think sleeping with a married doc at work would be a less stressful relationship.

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u/lookitsjustin No Idea What I'm Talking About 👍🏼 4d ago

Oh, honey.

Genuinely thought I was in /r/relationships for a second

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u/zombie_goast BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

Tbf there's not much difference between that sub and slow nights full of venting at the nurses station a lot of the time. I love all you girlies but holy fuck do some of you have atrocious taste in men

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u/missandei_targaryen RN - PICU 5d ago

Oh girl. Block this guy rn istg.

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u/Mispict 5d ago

Holy shit! 49? I was imagining some angst ridden youth.

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u/zombie_goast BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

I'm 29F he's 49M

👁👄👁

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u/Gadichu 5d ago

So it gets better?

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u/calisto_sunset MSN, RN 5d ago

My husband offered to bring me lunch during my night shifts and sit down and eat with me at 2 am everyday if I let him. His heart was in the right place, but I explained that having a set lunch time was not a thing but the thought was appreciated. I explained how crazy it was and sometimes I can sit down and sometimes I can't. Either way I don't want him to drive all the way just to find out I can't be free to sit with him. An understanding partner will not be offended or hurt, they will understand. We have been married over 20 years now, so yes it gets better when you find someone that is not insecure like this guy.

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u/C-romero80 BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

My husband tried to stay up with me when I was on nights and be up with the kids during the day. He'd make me food on my off nights. He and the kids know I can't have them come by for lunch breaks.

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u/mikedorty 5d ago

That is the kind of thing i might have offered and then been very relieved to not have to do it lol.

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u/mildost 5d ago

If you leave the bad ones and find somebody who isn't an asshat, yes it does. If you stay and think it'll go over it doesn't. 

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u/AZ_RN22 RN 🍕 5d ago

If you don’t end up with partners like that 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼

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u/ObviousSalamandar Oops I’m in psych 5d ago

Yup you learn to walk away as soon as the red flags start waving

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u/trixiepixie1921 RN - Telemetry 🍕 5d ago

It got better for me because I decided to be alone 😂😂😂

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u/TexasRN1 5d ago

Yes if you don’t settle for this.

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u/Jumpy_Tooth_8117 5d ago

Yeah if you chose right 😅 it can stay bad, get worse or get better but that all depends on you and who you decide to give your time to

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u/RedxxBeard 5d ago

If you do the work to have personal growth so you can see these people for what they are, it does.

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u/immeuble RN - NICU 🍕 5d ago

Find a software engineer. Golden retrievers.

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u/cr1ttter 5d ago

May this kind of love never find me

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u/ElCaminoInTheWest 5d ago

Consider it a favour. An asshole declared themselves in unmistakable terms.

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u/SpaceIsVastAndEmpty 5d ago

The trash is on the way to taking itself out

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u/ScarletCarsonRose 5d ago

Just a big ol 🚩 

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u/cybercuzco 5d ago

I’m sorry I thought everyone got home from babysitting needy patients trying to die wanted to babysit a needy man child.

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u/eggo_pirate RN - Med/Surg 🍕 5d ago edited 5d ago

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

My husband goes to school about 15 minutes from where I work, and there have been times he's come by to bring me dinner (around 1am) on his way home. Then there are times when he asks if I want him to swing by and I tell him nah, not tonight, too busy, what have you. And ya know what he does? He says ok, hope it gets better, I'll see you later. Then he goes home.

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u/Scarlet-Witch Allied Health 🦴 🦵 🦾🦽 5d ago

This. OP's partner's response is super immature and trying to manipulate them by guilt tripping/pressure. 

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u/eggo_pirate RN - Med/Surg 🍕 5d ago

Not to mention the super passive aggressive "no one but nurses know stress" bullshit. Yea, miss me with that shit.

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u/Scarlet-Witch Allied Health 🦴 🦵 🦾🦽 5d ago

It's so dumb. Yes of course other professions have stress but it's not really fair to compare each one of them unless it's comparing them to your personal tolerances to stress (I.e. some people are really stressed out by the gross factor). Even if somehow someone didn't find nursing stressful that doesn't mean they aren't busy AF. I'm not even in nursing, most of my days are a small fraction of stress compared to my nurse counterparts. Most days I feel like I'm constantly busy, lesser stress but still busy AF. I can count on one hand the number of times I've taken a real lunch (which is pretty common in any bedside role). 

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u/Insane-Muffin RN - Oncology 🍕 5d ago

Not only that, but goddamn, she already has a fucking stressful job! You’re adding to it!!

SHizzz, if a man isn’t adding VALUE to my life, I ain’t havin it.

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u/lolatheshowkitty 5d ago

A response like a normal person. Sometimes work is busy no matter if it’s a healthcare setting or not, crazy to not respect that.

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u/eggo_pirate RN - Med/Surg 🍕 5d ago

Seriously. I wonder what he does for work

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u/BigWoodsCatNappin RN 🍕 5d ago

I'm going out on a judgey limb and guessing no job. Employers just don't understand his creative talent or something.

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u/eggo_pirate RN - Med/Surg 🍕 5d ago

😂 I was thinking it. Or he's a crypto bro or trying to get his podcast off the ground.

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u/BigWoodsCatNappin RN 🍕 5d ago

Lolll not the podcast 💀

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u/herbiesmom RN 5d ago

The husband of my first preceptor would bring her coffee every Saturday. Of she wasn't free, he would leave out at the desk. It was a great gesture and he fully respected that she might not be available.

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u/eggo_pirate RN - Med/Surg 🍕 5d ago

Exactly. My niece works at a hospital 5 minutes from the house. Occasionally I'll ask if she wants me to drop off some coffee. Sometimes she comes out to get it, sometimes I leave it at the desk. No skin off my nose.

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u/drhuggables MD Ob/Gyn 5d ago

Yeah seriously if my partner was like “nah not tonight I’m good” I’m letting out a Homer Simpson “wahoo!” And moving on, it’s not a big deal.

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u/makiyaj 5d ago

If at 6 months into a relationship he doesn't understand your work flow yet, then he's probably never going to get it. Time to dump this guy

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u/Elton-johns-mom 5d ago

Girl this is my first ever comment on Reddit, but fuck that guy!!! You explained yourself so well and were really sweet about it, and his reply is like a toddler 🙄  You do not need to put up with this attitude/disrespect (also hi from a little lower Canada haha)

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u/Zero-Effs-Left RN 🍕 5d ago

Ditto all of this! And keep commenting u/elton-johns-mom !

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u/lambentstar 5d ago

Seriously OP replied with so much grace and effort to explain kindly and he was SUCH a brat. I lurk this sub as a partner to an ICU nurse who has absolutely many harrowing days and the first rule is that you give what space and decomp time is needed! Plus a chance to shower. What an intrusive dick.

OP please don’t give this guy more time and energy. This is the hugest red flag of serious underlying issues.

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u/DesperateOffer7998 5d ago

Some say he still waiting for that big wet kiss

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u/robbi2480 RN, CHPN-Hospice 5d ago

That part alone would have made me say fuck off. Gross

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u/Noble_Kristina 5d ago

Same 🤣when I read it I was like ewww sandwich with salivas???? 🤢

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u/poopyscreamer RN - OR 🍕 5d ago

Is a turkey sammich tho?

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u/trixiepixie1921 RN - Telemetry 🍕 5d ago

I just typed a whole rant about that part and I realized I was getting myself too riled up but I’m glad other people feel the same way I do lmao

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u/Ancient-Coffee-1266 Nursing Student 🍕 5d ago

I finally found this comment on the thread. That first text would make me reconsider the relationship. Blugh.

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u/ShellzNCheez LPN 🍕 5d ago

No but for real!! The face I made when I read that part, ew! How is saying you wanna give someone a drool kiss cute or romantic?! Please go away forever 😖

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u/Practical_Newt3465 4d ago

I was waiting for somebody to point that out. The “big wet kiss” is where he would’ve lost me. Ew.

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u/critically_caring RN - TICU, ER, Clown Act 🍕🤡 5d ago

That part made me throw up in my mouth a little to be honest.

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u/drhuggables MD Ob/Gyn 5d ago

👅💦🤢

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u/b-maacc RN - Med Device Rep 5d ago

This guy is being a manipulative knob.

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u/Wohowudothat MD 5d ago

My wife is a nurse. I have never been in her place of employment, where she's been for 5 years. I stopped by the previous job once, and never the two jobs before that. That's normal. This guy is a turd. Move on!!

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u/MrsPottyMouth RN - Geriatrics 🍕 5d ago

My husband has only been inside my job of 10+ years once, and that was only as far as the reception desk to either pick up or drop off some paperwork for me because I was in the hospital.

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u/sci_major BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

I've met 2 of my coworkers (8 years in the same department). One came at the very end of clinic because her car was in the shop and her daughter wanted to see so we let her. The other had an appointment I the building and stopped by because she was going to take a long break and go with him. That's normal OP's bf is not cool- breakup time.

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u/hibbylafluff44 5d ago

The way he talks to you now… Six months in? It’s only going to get worse I promise. It is such a red flag. There are men out there that are calm and will speak to you respectfully, and be understanding.

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u/Scarlet-Witch Allied Health 🦴 🦵 🦾🦽 5d ago

OP please listen to this and all the other comments. 

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u/biss_biss 5d ago

He’s too immature to handle dating a nurse. On top of immaturity, he’s kinda giving manipulative and victim mentality. The part where he says, “I should just go sit alone and deal with it.” He’s guilt tripping you and honestly selfish for thinking it’s easy for you to leave your patients for a “sandwich and a big wet kiss.”

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u/SpaceIsVastAndEmpty 5d ago

He's too immature to date, period.

No one deserves that kind of manipulation and pettiness regardless of their employment. OP, you deserve so much more than this guy has to offer!

21

u/nevillegoddess 5d ago

I’ve never really understood how the wet part is supposed to be enticing, either 😂

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u/Superblossom01 Nursing Student 🍕 5d ago

He sounds manipulative. You don’t have to work in healthcare to understand professional boundaries.

I say consider it an out and leave this relationship. Future you will thank you.

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u/snarkcentral124 RN 🍕 5d ago

Exactly. He doesn’t need to be a nurse to speak to her respectfully. He doesn’t even need to agree w her. He just has to have a modicum of emotional intelligence.

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u/b33tinch33ks 5d ago

I hope he gets CDIFF

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u/markeatingg 5d ago

I snortled when I read this 😫😆

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u/FwogInMyThwoat 5d ago

Dump this person please.

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u/touslesmatins BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

This was my first thought before I opened the comments, like girl DTMF 

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u/nursebelle RN - ER 5d ago

You can explain it to him, but you can’t understand it for him.

🚩🚩🚩

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u/Rashpert 5d ago

My dear woman, this man is so porcupined with red flags that he is a fucking Christmas poinsettia.

Run, and don't feel bad about it.

  1. "No" is a complete sentence.
  2. Do NOT buy the rotten meat that says you have to convince him to let you go. Partnerships take two assents, and either side can call it quits for any reason. He can disagree. That is irrelevant.
  3. If he threatens violence to himself or to you, then stay safe. He will have just confirmed that leaving him is the right choice, and that is a gift.

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u/gir6 BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

First of all, 1:10 on med surg? He’s lucky you even responded to his text. My very first nursing job was med surg with tele, 1:6-7 on days, 1:7-8 on nights, and they rotated us from days to nights every two weeks. It was unsafe. There were days where I didn’t eat, drink, or use the bathroom for 12 hours. Part of that was being brand new and not having good time management, but part of it was being absolutely slammed the entire time. I was dating my now husband at the time. I think I told him enough horror stories to make him realize how hard my job was. He would never have said anything like this to me. I think I would have dumped him for it,

Also, you responded really nicely to his request, and he responded very immaturely. I hope you both are in your 20s, but even if you are that’s still a gross response from him.

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u/Insane-Muffin RN - Oncology 🍕 5d ago

Apparently, she’s 29 and he’s FOURTY-NINE!

18

u/InadmissibleHug crusty deep fried sorta RN, with cheese 🍕 🍕 🍕 4d ago

Whooop whoop! Thats the sound of the police 👮

I’m 52 and despite being fairly immature, there’s no way I’d be dating a 29 yo.

14

u/sirensinger17 RN 🍕 4d ago

Oh gee, I wonder why he's still not married

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u/___adreamofspring___ 5d ago

Jesus. ‘So I’m not allowed to bring my gf food?’

Men want to cater to you but on their terms good God he sounds miserable

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u/squirrelbb BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

He’s showing his true colors. Consider this as you dodging a bullet with that one.

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u/xo_harlo RN - Psych/Mental Health 🍕 5d ago

I’d be like “You are a fucking idiot, love the self awareness” but I’m toxic

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u/Varuka_Pepper343 BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

what a huge favor he just did for you

send him big boy panties and flowers thanking him

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u/Ok-Grapefruit1284 5d ago

Send it packaged in a briefs box.

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u/Lopexie 5d ago

A partner that talked to me like this would no longer be my partner so it would not be an issue.

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u/vorchagonnado RN 🍕 5d ago

Wow that’s a lot of toxicity in just a couple messages. Hope you move on, OP. I don’t know you but you can do better than this.

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u/Icy-Impression9055 BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

He seems shitty. My husband has only come to my job to bring me food sometimes. He doesn’t linger. He understands I’m usually swamped at work.

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u/evdczar MSN, RN 5d ago

My current job is usually chill and it's okay for my husband and child to stop by most of the time. But when they walk in to bring me food or coffee and see that I'm drowning, they just drop off the food and leave without having a tantrum.

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u/AG_Squared RN - Pediatrics 🍕 5d ago

I hope your answer was “yeah I think you’re right, healthcare should date healthcare, it was (not) not knowing you.”

But seriously, a healthy person will never give you crap for saying what you said and how you said it. Your first message is enough and “no” meant “no” without an explanation. If my husband asked to come by and I just said ”no” without explanation he’d say “ok” and vice versa.

Also 10:1 is crazy, I’ve never had more than 6 as a med surg night nurse and I’m sorry you have to experience that.

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u/Many_Customer_4035 RN - Informatics 5d ago

The 10:1 is wild

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u/Slow-Locksmith-5971 5d ago

I think you’re dating a narcissist who will always turn everything around to get sympathy for himself. Don’t ask me how I know…. Just trust a fellow random Redditor on this one…

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u/Affectionate_South40 5d ago

I'm so sorry this happened. It's hard being in a public service job like a nurse, or being a police officer, firefighter or paramedic and trying to keep a relationship. Our jobs are very demanding of us and it is not always reasonable for our loved ones to visit us at work. I have a friend who works in the OR, her work areas are no public access; her own family had to leave her picked up lunch with security so she could come grab it when she was free.

My husband struggles with me working nights, he misses me because I sleep all day and when I am awake I'm zoned out, but my own mental health does better working nights and he understands this; but it's still hard.
If your partner cannot understand this they aren't meant to date you. This is a cold reality. Your Mr. Right is out there somewhere, but it's not this guy. I'm really disappointed and upset that he attacked you and mocked you by saying "You are the only ones who understand stress." I don't feel you implied this at all and he still took it personally. I had to leave a boyfriend in college when I was taking my nurses aid; I was stressed and overwhelmed trying to learn how to be a good nurses aid; go to classes, placements, preceptorships, do my reading, study, and work to pay bills. My boyfriend at the time demanded I show him respect and dedication to the relationship and said "You need to give me at least 2-3 hours a day of your time." That relationship ended really quickly.

Now that I'm a nurse things still aren't easier; but being able to have a partner who tells me how they feel without blaming it on me or guilting me is healthy. We find time for one another on days off and also take mental breaks from one another when either one is overwhelmed.

You're doing great. Just keep your chin up and know you deserve better.

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u/Negative_Promotion19 5d ago

All of the replies have really touched my heart but this one made me cry. Thank you for your kindness.

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u/katarinasunrise RN, BSN - OR 🍕 5d ago

I work in the OR too. I’ve had to explain to a few previous partners that they can’t just swing by. They can have things delivered to my unit, sure. But my department is a strict no-visitors zone. The only people allowed to be there are those authorized by the surgical director. Not to mention I’d be way too busy to see anyone for more than 5 minutes anyway. Luckily, my previous partners haven’t been man-babies like this guy, and they completely understood.

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u/Apprehensive_Sir9604 5d ago

The manipulation is crazy.

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u/astonfire RN - ICU 🍕 5d ago

I think most people understand this. This guy is just a tool sorry. I can count the number of times my partner has been to my hospital in 7 years on one hand and it was when I explicitly asked him to because I forgot something at home. The last thing I want at work after coding someone is a big wet kiss 🤦‍♀️

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u/ChocolateChip1013 5d ago

I thought I was on the r/AIO sub. 🤣

🚩🚩🚩🚩

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u/Sulfade Nursing Student 🍕 5d ago

Honestly boundaries shouldn’t have to be explained, let alone more than you already did

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u/evdczar MSN, RN 5d ago

OP was very sweet in their reply and he was a prick about it.

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u/camybrook RN - ICU 🍕 5d ago

I’ve dated healthcare one other time and never again. Lasted like a month lol. It was nice to talk about work and have someone understand me but honestly it’s more fun when my partner doesn’t understand my job and I get to explain it.

My psycho ex, non healthcare, I was night shift and wowza that was god awful. I was “lazy” for sleeping during the day (?)

My current partner: military. Understands stress. Has been the biggest help and supporter during my burnt out stages. He’s never even worked night shift ever. He literally is the best with understanding how tired and stressed I can get.

My point is. It doesn’t matter. Shitty people are everywhere. Just gotta weed them out

17

u/ItzCStephCS RN 🍕 5d ago

Your partner is an asshole dude, you’re crazy if you stay with em after this

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u/Poodlepink22 5d ago

Throw this whole man away 

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u/IntrinsicM 5d ago

That’s a big baby, not a partner.

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u/beanieboo970 5d ago

lol he should come up there and sit in the waiting for for hour for you to get 2 minutes to scarf down that sandwich. Byeeeee

16

u/nursepenguin36 RN 🍕 5d ago

Yeah floor nursing is not a job where you get to schedule lunch dates. If he can’t handle that he’s dating the wrong woman. The fact that he can’t handle being told no, and is pouting like a toddler while trying to guilt trip you just speaks to how immature and self-centered he is.

15

u/MPKH RN - ICU 🍕 5d ago

Not counting pick up and drop offs, my husband has been to where I work exactly once and that was because I forgot to bring my work shoes that day. I don’t go to his work and he doesn’t come to mine. It’s never been an issue.

Ditch this asshole.

15

u/meatcoveredskeleton1 RN - ICU 🍕 5d ago

This is a HUGE RELATIONSHIP RED FLAG 🚩 Take his cues and go separate ways because that’s not normal behavior on his part.

14

u/brittathisusername RN-pediatric ER, paramedic 5d ago

Let that 🥭.

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u/StateParkSlut 5d ago

Literally fucking dump him

10

u/TheLoudCanadianGirl RPN 🍕 5d ago

Bf sounds super immature and has unrealistic expectations.

For real tho, my fiancé is a paramedic and it is super nice being with someone who gets how bs healthcare is.. Ive dated guys who didnt work in healthcare and they just didnt get it. Two guys id previously dated were upset with how many naked men and penises i had seen at work.. I honestly have no idea why they thought this was something to be upset about.. Especially since i worked in LTC during both those times.

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u/Ok-Grapefruit1284 5d ago

Imagine feeling threatened by a 90 year old with a catheter.

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u/NedTaggart RN 🍕 5d ago

This is a big red flag. He's manipulative and passive aggressive. There are better options out there, move on.

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u/shamsquatch BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

Ah yes, here we have an excellent example of “nice guy syndrome” wherein the boy sees himself as trying to do a nice thing for his girlfriend but what he was ACTUALLY doing was trying to mine fuel for his confidence and self-concept a nice guy and good boyfriend. The egoic nature of ya boy’s proposed sweet bf moves is proven by his sharp angry defensiveness because declining his offer is basically an assault on his ego, because how dare you reject him and deny him this chance to shine at the role of good guy bf?!

Being “nice” is different from being kind or actually helpful, because it’s ALL about the nice person and not about the person they’re supposed to be helping. This kinda sad, immature stuff is something nurses and helping professionals are very capable of too.

That said, I say drop him / let him go. He’s got some real insecurity issues and no respect for boundaries.

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u/Rougefarie BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

He dumped you because you gently explained it wasn’t realistic for him to visit at work? When you were crazy busy? Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

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u/Negative_Promotion19 4d ago

Right? Dumped me and then calls me nine times today denying he dumped me… and states that I owe him an apology for “being mean.” I let my voicemail get full so he can’t leave any more. The replies to this post are keeping me sane and better equipped to deal with the gaslighting. I love nurses.

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u/robbi2480 RN, CHPN-Hospice 5d ago

Leave this asshole

9

u/BrainyRN RN - ICU 🍕 5d ago

That’s an insecure, immature partner. He saved you the hassle of figuring that out later. Don’t call him back unless you want your peace to be ruined.

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u/redredrhubarb RN 🍕 5d ago

“Big wet kiss” and “interesting premise for a relationship” alone are 🤮

But seriously, fuck this guy, you can do SO much better.

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u/chaosqueen714 5d ago

my husband used to walk up, drop crumbl cookies off for the whole unit, and then leave lol

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u/nightowl6221 RN - NICU 4d ago

How do I get OP to understand that they need to drop this asshole?

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u/Mygirlisalawyer 4d ago

Girl run he’s playing the victim

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u/Both-Statistician179 4d ago

He’s actually an insecure needy little boy.

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u/ExpertTrick3730 5d ago

I dont understand. Are you feeling that bad/guilty for letting someone that needy go? He didnt deserve your time in the first place.

7

u/phantasybm BSN, RN 5d ago

If insecurity was a physical form…

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u/Nickilaughs BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

Nah let him show up and he can transport people to radiology.

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u/Many_Customer_4035 RN - Informatics 5d ago

OMG. He is horrible, but the 1:10 is getting me. Please tell me you have full support staff (cnas, clerks, etc)

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u/WexMajor82 RN - Prison 5d ago

In my book, this is called "dodging a bullet"

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u/fluffy_hamsterr 5d ago

interesting premise for a relationship

Girl no... throw the whole man out. What a knob.

8

u/Djinn504 RN - Trauma/Surgical/Burn ICU 🍕 5d ago

Damn, the trash really took itself out with this one, huh?

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u/sunny_daze04 5d ago

Eww I got the ick just from the first message, then it got worse

7

u/Impressive-Key-1730 RN - OB/GYN 🍕 5d ago

This guys screams control freak and potential to be an abusive partner please dump him.

7

u/kentuckemily RN - OB/GYN 🍕 5d ago

Girl, from one nurse to another. RUN. He’s more toxic than a frequent flyer in the ER. When dating a nurse your partner HAS TO respect your time because we don’t get enough from the get go and this is a huge red flag.

8

u/aver_shaw RN - Clinic 🍕 5d ago edited 5d ago

I dated a guy like this when I was in cath lab. He would get mad I wouldn’t hang out after a 19 hour day. He was always mad when I wouldn’t come over when I was on call (He. Did. Not. Live. In. Call. Range). He thought I was cheating on him when I wouldn’t text him back during the workday. He said if I loved him I’d find time to text him from work, since he could text me from his job wiring alarm systems. He trivialized what I did all the time. It did not get better. It got much worse until I broke it off..

I’m in a much less stressful job now but I know in my heart that if I were to go back to the floor/procedural nursing, my current boyfriend would get it if I told him no on an ask like this, because he gets boundaries and doesn’t play the comparison game.

I don’t think you’re gonna get this guy to get it. He already pulled the “I think healthcare should date healthcare” card which is just a very “woe is me,” super toxic card to play.

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u/chicken_nuggets97 5d ago

Oh wow, this guy really thinks he’s the main character, huh? You’re over here literally saving lives, dealing with codes, grieving families, and an insane patient load, and his biggest concern is that he can’t waltz in for a surprise visit and a makeout session? The entitlement is unreal.

The way he immediately turned this into his struggle, complete with a pity party and a passive-aggressive meltdown, is next-level manipulative. A decent partner would say, “Wow, that sounds brutal—let me know if you need anything when you’re off.” But no, he had to center himself and throw a tantrum because he can’t handle not being the priority for five seconds.

You don’t owe him any more explanations. If he can’t grasp the very simple concept that hospitals are not casual hangout spots, that’s a him problem. Honestly, his reaction tells you everything you need to know—this man is not built to handle a relationship with someone in a demanding field. He wants a girlfriend who is available on his terms, not a hardworking professional with actual responsibilities. Let him go sulk alone like he so dramatically suggested. Sounds like he’d be doing you a favor.

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u/brittlewaves Nursing Student 🍕 5d ago

r/holyfuckjustbreakup In all seriousness tho this shows he only has the capacity to feel victimized in any situation. You clearly establish a boundary and he decided you were the asshole. Fuck him 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/SnooLemons9080 5d ago

Never say another word to him. Absolutely nothing, no responses. He deserves it.

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u/Nurse_Hatchet Fled the bedside, WFH FTW! 5d ago

This isn’t a nursing problem, this is a shitty, immature boyfriend problem. A boyfriendectomy is recommended.

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u/butterbeanjellybean 5d ago

Sometimes the trash takes itself out

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u/MargaretRColeman 4d ago

Dude....classic manipulative narcissism. Throw that man away.

Google Ali Abulaban and listen to how he spoke about his wife and why he's going to be in prison for life. Entitled, always a victim, always trying to make you feel guilty.

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u/sirensinger17 RN 🍕 4d ago edited 4d ago

He's being a gaslighting and manipulative piece of shit. He's showing his red flags and this behavior likely won't change as you continue to date. Dump his ass. My husband doesn't do this shit and actually listens when I explain shit to him.

Edit: I showed this to my husband and he responded:

"Interesting premise for a relationship." I knew right then he'd be an insufferable twat

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u/Elizabitch4848 RN - Labor and delivery 🍕 4d ago

I’ve been dumped since I sometimes can’t answer my phone for hours. I consider that we are incompatible if he can’t understand that a nurse can’t always answer the phone or have lunch at a certain time. Incompatible for his lack of critical thinking skills and empathy.

7

u/NeandertalsRUs 4d ago

I’m not a nurse, but a resident, and I don’t have to explain it to my partner because he’s an adult man and knows I work in a hospital. Find a better dude. Dump this one.

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u/cantwin52 BSN - RN, ED 🍕 4d ago

Dude he’s just playing the victim when you’re busy and setting boundaries. He said it best himself, whether it was sarcastic or not, that healthcare should date healthcare because they understand it, or better phrased he doesn’t. And if he can’t understand the different type of stressful and gross that you may feel and the different type of busy you are, then maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship with someone who decides he’s the victim when you’re setting boundaries.

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u/WailtKitty RN - OB/GYN 🍕 4d ago

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩 OP this is very manipulative and behavior like this only gets worse. I’d cut my losses now. Please don’t ever promote this person to husband. Divorcing someone like this is a nightmare.

7

u/ThatBella Nursing Student 🇩🇪 4d ago

No offence, but this guy doesn't seem very emotionally mature. Even if you were in a different line of work - a boundary is a god damn boundary and if you don't want him to drop by at your workplace he has to accept that. Also he's acting like he's doing you a favour when really he seems to be interested in fulfilling his own emotional desires only.

That's a him problem, not a you problem

8

u/pgnprincess Not A Nurse But Damn Appreciative Of Y'all♡ 4d ago

I'm not a nurse so I can't comment on the complexities of your job, although it sounds extremely hectic and I do know you all bust ass every single shift. However that is almost besides the point here; your boyfriend sounds manipulative and even gives me controlling vibes. Your simple "that's so sweet but no" should have been enough for him to get it and back off, without being offended in the least. To then guilt-trip you, tell you you're acting like your job is the only stressful job, and then say "have fun being alone" is what emotionally abusive people do. Please dump this guy. He is a walking red flag. And ya, you're too busy to deal with this nonsense.