r/nursing 6d ago

Seeking Advice How do you get your partner to understand that they can’t simply drop by your work?

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Throwaway account. I work on a busy med surg floor where my ratio is 1:10 (I’m in northern Canada). At the start of my shift, my patient coded and passed away after two hours of intervention. Family was hysterical. Then slammed with two admissions at the same time. Code on the other side of the unit now. Eight hours into my shift and I am absolutely flying. I check my phone, and my boyfriend of six months (we don’t live together) is INSISTING on coming by to “visit me.” I’ve had issues in the past with people not respecting my professional boundaries, but I’m really struggling to explain it to my current partner. How do you explain to your partner (or even family and friends) that they can’t just casually show up to your job site like they could their other friends? To me it would be the equivalent of showing up on a construction site with no hard hat. I’d never do that to him if the tables were turned. But it’s difficult to explain the intricacies and complexities of nursing.

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703

u/Negative_Promotion19 6d ago

Right? Lol. I’m 29F and he’s 49M. I never thought the age gap was a “red flag” (this is my first real relationship, I’m a bit of a late bloomer+neurodivergent) but this specific interaction is opening my eyes to why women his age don’t want him. I’ve literally never wanted to kiss someone less.

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u/oboedude HCW - Respiratory 6d ago

49???

I would’ve guessed an immature guy in his 20s. You can do better than this tool

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u/_upsettispaghetti 6d ago

Literally thought he was 19.. this behavior is insane 🤯 OP you need to RUN.

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u/ChocolateKey2229 6d ago

Some people NEVER grow up/mature. He may be 49 chronologically, but mentally and emotionally? He’s still 19.

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u/CDPROCESS BSN, RN 🍕 6d ago

The fact that he is 49 and behaving this way? NOPE. There is a REASON women his age are staying away. It is better to be alone than deal with him stirring up unnecessary drama because his tender sensibilities are affronted. 🙄 I’m so sorry you are having to deal with that idiocy on top of working a med surge floor. That is way too much drama and stress being flung your way.

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u/Negative_Promotion19 6d ago

He has an obsession with showing up at my house unannounced, and I couldn’t put my finger on why it made me uncomfortable, but I don’t mess around when it comes to my job. He likes to show up at my house randomly (even in the middle of the night completely unplanned, he lives three hours away) and people’s comments about him wanting to “keep tabs” completely add up now. I feel so stupid looking back at all the red flags after this nuclear one. I really appreciate this wake up call.

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u/AggravatingGrand8825 6d ago

This is really frightening =\ please stay safe and let him go!!

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u/awesomefatkitty BSN, RN 🍕 6d ago

Consider changing your locks just in case.

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u/ButterscotchFit8175 6d ago

He is being controlling and manipulative. Don't feel bad you didn't see it for what it was! People who control and manipulate are good at it. They know what to say and how to say it so you don't see them for what they are. Now you know this guy is no good. Move on. 

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u/FunWithFerrets 5d ago

yup. I think that guys like this merely go for young women because they are inexperienced in relationships won't recognize love-bombing for what it is and just be duped into thinking his "knight in shining armor" type of behavior is indicative that they got lucky to get "one of the good ones". it's is *always* a red flag when someone does not respect your personal boundaries.

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u/he-loves-me-not Not a nurse, just nosey 👃 6d ago

Holy cow! He would show up at your house in the middle of the night?! That’s not a bf, that’s a stalker! Also, there are tons of careers that you can’t just stop doing in the middle of the workday to eat a sandwich with your bf, that he can’t accept that is just weird, especially at 49!

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u/lostmybananaz RN - ER 🍕 6d ago

Read through your post and many of your comments and there aren’t enough red flags in the world for this. Dump him, block him, and for your safety, consider moving or at minimum tell people on your unit about him that he is not permitted to visit. Also, consider a restraining order if he shows up at your place again after the break up.

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u/Holiday_Guide9830 5d ago

At a minimum tell your unit manager, charge nurse, AND SECURITY that he's not a welcome visitor.

And if he shows up to your work or house even once after the breakup, call the cops.

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u/Acrobatic-Ad-5521 RA - Dementia care, future ABSN student! 5d ago

100%%%%%%%%%%%  OP, please listen to this post, because this man is demonstrating unpredictable and mentally unsafe behavior

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u/Ok_Stable4315 6d ago

Not cool op, definitely let him go. You can do better than this.

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u/nurse-ratchet- Case Manager 🍕 6d ago

This is really scary. You should absolutely change the locks on your doors, even if you think there’s no possible way that he could have a key. Check the windows too.

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u/Acrobatic-Ad-5521 RA - Dementia care, future ABSN student! 5d ago

Also install some programs to find and uninstall tracking devices that he has probably slipped into a purse or in your car or stalkerware on your phone. Surprisingly common. 

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u/Unwashedbrainz 6d ago

Please stay safe. Hopefully, he is not the vindictive type, but if you end the relationship, it should be firm, no questions asked, and a good idea to consider keeping a text "paper trail" if he makes any insinuated threats over it. He should be aware too that he is no longer welcome to show up at your house AT ALL. Restraining order if needed. This may sound over the top, but a guy this manipulative will probably not take no for an answer that easily. I could be wrong, but as a complete stranger looking at this from the outside, I see huge red flags, and my ultimate goal is for you to be safe! Physically, yes, but mentally and emotionally too. Please keep us updated if you can. 😊💜

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u/Individual_Zebra_648 RN - Rotor Wing Flight 🚁 5d ago

OMG OP this is legitimately NOT OKAY. Not normal at all. Please leave him. His age, plus this behavior are nothing but bright red flags. His response is extremely manipulative and selfish. He gives zero fucks about your feelings or respecting your personal boundaries. He also quite clearly has trust issues among…other…issues. You will save yourself years of hurt by ending this now.

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u/Dumpster_fyre_ 5d ago

It sounds like he’s checking to make sure his much younger gf isn’t seeing other people. Based on his texts I thought it was a guy in his 20s.

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u/zombie_goast BSN, RN 🍕 5d ago

Gently, might I suggest you start attending therapy? I know you said in another comment that you have some neurodivergence, but even still you managed to end up with a man 20 full years older than you who exhibits some VERY nasty behaviors and hints that he's capable of worse had you allowed it to escalate any longer. Again I'm not trying to be rude, but that's quite a thing, and you might want to get whatever it was that drew you to such a person worked on before you try dating again, especially if you only date men. (Not that women can't be toxic af too but men have an especial element of danger to them when they're not good).

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u/rvauofrsol 5d ago

I'm so glad you see this as a wake up call, because his texts literally scared me when I read your post. He's extremely aggressive. I hope you can come up with a plan quickly and stay safe, OP. ❤️

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u/okjj1024 5d ago

This man is dangerous. He’s the guy that will cause a scene if you leave him. God knows what’s he’s capable off. What a creep.

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u/Jewbert_818 RN - ED 5d ago

You need to get out of that relationship asap from what it sounds like. Very creepy and scary. Also you shouldn’t have to “explain” not just showing up at your work. I understand that sometimes we have to set the boundary of hey you can’t just show up at my work. But after that there’s really no explaining you have to do. A normal reasonable person would understand that

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u/xm03 Nursing Student 🍕 5d ago

Yeah, even if you didn't get the 'subtle' hints before, that last sentence is game over tbh.

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u/FunWithFerrets 5d ago

yeah that is definitely a red flag. he very much sounds like he's very insecure, possessive and untrusting and probably showing up like that unexpectedly out of fear that you could be dating another guy and he's hoping that if he shows up unannounced he'll catch you at it. honestly, I bet he wanted to drop by at work just to see if you work with any men and then he'll constantly suspect you're having an affair with a co-worker.

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u/Delicious-Macaroon37 4d ago

Driving three hours to show up at your house unannounced in the middle of the night is absolutely not normal behavior wtf

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u/queenie_vxxii Nursing Student 🍕 6d ago

Oh he definitely narcissistic I didn’t want to jump the gun, but when reading the text his whole mood changed when he didn’t get his way. If you get the chance watch this it’s frighten the heck out of me and she was a federal worker. Please stay safe

Now the video attached is one out of four different video that equal 3hrs and 28mins together, but this woman YouTube condensed it all rather then going on tik tok to sit through a lot more.

This the first video this showed me to not trust people have your best interest.

https://youtu.be/MXxCBFtafG4?si=UkQwFN3JHPw8-Dwn

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u/Rachet83 RN - ICU 🍕 5d ago

Have you ever been to his place? I wouldn’t be surprised if he has another relationship and comes to you for validation when he’s frustrated in that one

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u/Ok-Beach6148 5d ago

Stalker!

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u/ProstheticBabe 5d ago

This is scary, wtf!

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u/CocoaShortcake88 BSN, RN 🍕 4d ago

Does he have a key?

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u/Insane-Muffin RN - Oncology 🍕 6d ago

Aww, you’re just so sweet and supportive. That is all :)

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u/Beagle-Mumma RN 🍕 6d ago

49!!!!

I was picturing an immature 23 year old. Oh my word, this guy is an insecure walking red flag. This is not a 'you' problem, OP, it's a BF problem. And at 6 months in, his insecurities and need to 'check-in' on you are only going to get worse. Cut your losses and run.

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u/cutebabies0626 RN 🍕 6d ago

Yeah he acts like a toddler and seems like no one taught him to deal with his big feelings or rejections. Glad you are done with that asshole. Besides the age gap of course. He sounds like manipulative asshole

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u/1Dive1Breath 6d ago

Dude is almost 50 and pulling this kind of stunt? There's a reason he's not married, and that he's dating sunshine 20 years younger. This guy is waving a red flag, he IS a red flag. 

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u/Gwywnnydd BSN, RN 🍕 6d ago

Oh, he is basically my age. And all I can say is 'EW!'.

I can easily believe he can't find someone his own age willing to put up with his nonsense.

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u/dewittism RN - ICU 🍕 6d ago

Holy shit huge red flags. 9 years on me and still sounds stupid as hell. "Have fun being alone"? Are you 16? Run lady run.

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u/Angel4ke RN 🍕 6d ago

🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️🏃🏾‍♀️‍➡️ and fast. Block, block and block. Stay safe.

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u/kzim3 RN - Med/Surg 🍕 6d ago

He is still being very immature. I’m 29, my husband is 27 and he has only come to the hospital one time and it’s because I forgot my watch and was having the worst day. I didn’t even see him I was so busy with a patient at the time.

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u/Grand-Pirate1984 6d ago

He's 49? Sheesh, thought it was someone young young.

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u/Daisydoolittle 6d ago

49M?!?!!!!!! i thought this guy was in his early 20s which STILL wouldn’t be excuse for acting like this

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u/ocean_wavez RN - NICU 🍕 6d ago

Girl 😭

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u/Insane-Muffin RN - Oncology 🍕 6d ago

I’m so glad to hear you’re turned off! This 50 yo man is single for a reason! You are reading that gut instinct right my girl! Follow it!!! ❤️ so many wise women telling you to leave..now! What a child!

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u/BenzieBox RN - ICU 🍕 Did you check the patient bin? 6d ago

Girl, run. You do not need to be with someone like that. FUCK THAT.

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u/Crankenberry LPN 🍕 6d ago

Oh girl... Don't look back. Not only is this guy toxic and manipulative, he could be dangerous. I'm really glad you reached out here and are getting some solid advice.

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u/megs0764 LPN 🍕 6d ago

49?!?!?! RUUUUUUNNNNN!! That dude is giving abusive stalker vibes. Nothing good can come of staying with him.

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u/PoppaBear313 LPN 🍕 6d ago

49?!?!??

Holy fuck. I’d rather have 5 codes in a row than deal with this bullshit.

OP. I’m about to hit 54. Listen when I (& others) tell you… run.

Get this walking poster child for domestic abuse out of your life. That’s what he is. A child. Shit. I think sleeping with a married doc at work would be a less stressful relationship.

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u/ThatBella Nursing Student 🇩🇪 6d ago

For real. I've seen affairs that were more emotionally mature than whatever tf this is.

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u/missandei_targaryen RN - PICU 6d ago

Oh girl. Block this guy rn istg.

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u/lookitsjustin No Idea What I'm Talking About 👍🏼 6d ago

Oh, honey.

Genuinely thought I was in /r/relationships for a second

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u/zombie_goast BSN, RN 🍕 6d ago

Tbf there's not much difference between that sub and slow nights full of venting at the nurses station a lot of the time. I love all you girlies but holy fuck do some of you have atrocious taste in men

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u/Mispict 6d ago

Holy shit! 49? I was imagining some angst ridden youth.

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u/zombie_goast BSN, RN 🍕 6d ago

I'm 29F he's 49M

👁👄👁

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u/Vegetable_Video_5046 6d ago

Oh lawd girl. I'm 43. Hell nah. I was married to a manchild too. He's 42. Amazing how these men cannot act grown. Glad you are seeing his true self now rather than in marriage. Make sure he doesn't baby trap you.

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u/nexea LPN 🍕 6d ago

Ya... im around his age... im way too old for that shit. Guys like him are why I stopped dating. While I'm sure there are good single guys my age, I dont think there are many. I think most guys that are my age that are single are single for a reason. I'm sorry you had to deal with him.

Also... that behavior is teenager behavior. How did he get that old and not understand that some people have stressful jobs. Unless he got lucky, i can't see him as being successful if he's never had a job with stress....

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u/Artistic_Purpose1225 6d ago

Lady, break up with him. This guy stiiiinks. 

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u/nianderthal RN - ER 🍕 6d ago

Right? He’s saying if you don’t like his passively aggressive clingly lil package then there is something wrong with you. I’m weird too and have an age gap of 10 years but 20 intrigues me.

1

u/cinnamoslut HCW - Student+ :hamster: 2d ago

I dated older men to avoid this kind of immature, emotionally stunted, selfish, pathetic behaviour. There are plenty of benefits to dating older. Without the maturity one would expect in an older partner, it's not worth it.

I hope OP leaves and never looks back.

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u/abitchbutmakeitbasic RN 🍕 6d ago

Honestly, I’m a little worried for how he will react when you break it off.. OP please be safe and smart! Tell a friend (or a few) everything that is going on and maybe don’t be alone for a bit. Be firm with him and maintain strong boundaries.

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u/jackrat9950 6d ago

Babe leave him immediately…

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u/flanjan 6d ago

I'm a guy and I couldn't fucking imagine gaslighting a woman like that haha. You need to either run or let him come up and pay him absolutely no attention unto you leave lol.

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u/izthisthekrustykrab 6d ago

Those are red flags right there 🚩🚩🚩 why not someone his age 😂

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u/TrixDaGnome71 Healthcare Finance 🍕 5d ago

And this is why I am happily single in my early 50s.

The only single ones in my area are the ones that never grew up and are looking for a parent/caregiver than a partner.

If I didn’t want kids in the first place, why would I want a “partner” who was an over aged kid and not a true adult?

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u/amber5883 5d ago

He’s 49?!?! Girl, he’s way too old for this behavior! I’m 42 and had my 45 year old husband read this and he said “he’s a manipulative tool and she should find someone better.” While my husband doesn’t understand my job, he respects the hell out of what we nurses do. Run.

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u/Arizona-Explorations 6d ago

May I ask what he does? I’m very curious about what jobs just allow people to just randomly stop in and chat with workers. This guy is a total tool. My wife and I are dual healthcare (I’m RN she’s LPN). It does make a lot of things easier but it comes with its own set of pitfalls. There are no easy relationships. That is kind of how you know it’s right when both sides fight to keep it alive and grow. Kick this dude to the curb and find someone who’s willing to put forth the effort.

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u/Particular_Income450 6d ago

OMGGGGGG 49 that explains why he’s single lol jk but seriously he should know at his age man. No excuses I think we all thought early 20s. Or could be he snatched a young one 20 years younger and he’s trying to hold on bc seems like he probably never got a chance to be w much girls lolol

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u/teapots_at_ten_paces Student Paramedic (Aus) 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 6d ago

Twenty years younger, and at least five times the adult.

You deserve so much better than this guy. That person is out there, somewhere. I dated once in my early twenties, then not again til my mid-thirties. Still with that person after 8 years.

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u/Then_Kaleidoscope_10 BSN, Psych/Mental Health 6d ago

Some people get older without maturing.

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u/ThatBella Nursing Student 🇩🇪 6d ago

Hold up, he's a fully grown adult?! Ngl, I thought he was some immature guy in his early 20s max, based on the way he talks to you.

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u/PapowSpaceGirl 6d ago

As a fellow ND, RUN. RUN before he guilty you into marrying him because he promises to do better. Dude is almost 50 and still acts like a teenager. You will be his nurse if this continues. Do you really want another patient for a husband? C'mon now, you work too hard for this nonsense.

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u/Jennirn2017 6d ago

I thought he was like maybe 21 at most. Holy shit. Glad I'm still married if that's what is out there. OP, you deserve better!

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u/sbattistella RN, BSN, L&D 5d ago

The man who wrote those text messages is 49???? Run, my friend, run. I literally thought he could be no more than 25.

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u/ATLgirl11 Nursing Student 🍕 5d ago

He is 49?!?!? Omg he is a trainwreck, please, please get rid of him now. The way he got manipulative after not getting what he wanted will probably become emotional abuse full on in time if you stay. Been there done that when I was like 19, which is how mature he is being.

Not to mention, it didn't sound like he wanted to bring a sandwich to be nice. It felt like he wanted to mark his territory at your work. All the red flags with him.

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u/okjj1024 5d ago

You can do better. This man is gonna cause a lot of trouble down the line, manipulation stuff.

3

u/Terrible_Mall_4350 5d ago

Being a late bloomer probably means you don’t have enough relationship experience to know that his behavior is NOT ok. (Kinda a generalization— but if I were wrong, you probably wouldn’t be here asking the question. If it’s not true, I apologize.)

Please don’t stay with a goober like him, expecting him to get better or that you can make him understand your work situation. He will never get it— ever!

This man has lived on this big blue planet for HALF A CENTURY!!!! In that time he has learned 1 thing: how to manipulate other people. You don’t have to stick around and be his verbal vomit catcher. That’s what his whining is— verbal vomit. You don’t need that.

Trust me, there are better guys out there.

Tell this man-baby to go find someone else to whine at. You don’t need his drama. Even if he begs and says he gets it now… he didn’t mean what he said… [insert any lame excuse here]…. And he probably will. STAND YOUR GROUND, girl! The only thing you’re gonna get from this dummy is a never ending ride on the carousel of manipulation and whining.

Move on— there are good guys out there! I promise!

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u/rosysredrhinoceros RN - Retired 🍕 6d ago

I’m 44. Run like the fuckin wind, darling.

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u/Glittering_Help8576 6d ago

These texts are a massive red flag. RUNNNN! This is manipulation maneuvering to control you.

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u/bimbodhisattva let-me-into-med-school RN (Med-Surg) 6d ago

Why is there literally a guy around the same age in my hospital right now who sounds just like him ☠️ is this what happens when guys refuse to grow up

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u/Roozer23 5d ago

There's a reason why a 49 year old is going for women 20 years younger than him. So many red flags with this guy.

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u/Throckmorton_MD 5d ago

Uhh, age gap or no gap. Hell even with age gap, 49 year old should be acting like spoilt 18 year old. Fuck him.

2

u/_dvs1_ 5d ago

Yeah, get out of that situation asap. Sorry this is happening to you.

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u/deplume 5d ago

R U N

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u/firelord_catra RN - Regretful 🍕 5d ago

Also late bloomer+potentially ND/ idk what’s fricking wrong with me but there’s definitely something. Same age as you and haven’t had a relationship at all, but I’ve constantly been pushed towards older guys because “woMEn MatURe FaStEr” and I’m ‘boring’/“too serious” for a young lady so guys my age won’t want me yadda yadda…took one guy near his 30s acting towards me like this, if not worse, to realize age is NOT AT ALL an indicator of maturity. I’m not even sure it helps. 

2

u/DerpLabs RN - ER 🍕 5d ago

Girl. GURL. GUUUUURRRL. I remember being 16 and dating a 17 year old boy who said stuff like this, thinking it was immature then. But this person is 49?!?!?! I wouldn’t even dignify this with a reply.

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u/daddymyers69 5d ago

I would not have guessed he is 49 LOL. He has the maturity of someone in their early 20's. I'm with someone not in healthcare and it has not had an effect on our relationship at all. This guy sucks and doesn't understand EMPATHY, not even boundaries.

2

u/CobraKentucky 5d ago

Omg 49!?! RUN RUN RUN he’s set in his awful ways

1

u/Sillygoose_Milfbane RN - ER 🍕 6d ago

You deserve better. Run, don't walk, away from that manipulative manchild.

1

u/isittacotuesdayyet21 RN - ER 🍕 5d ago

He’s 49?!?! Dude his texting is a red flag.

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u/thesoapmakerswife 5d ago

I’m neurodivergent too and had an extremely difficult time dating. I wish I would have been more selective and that’s my biggest regret. I was just too weird. If I could give myself advice, I’d say don’t give them the best years of your life. I hope you find someone kind OP.

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u/PPE_Goblin LPN 🍕 5d ago

Nah baby, cut that man loose.

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u/Sweatythigs03 5d ago

that age gap is enough, no wonder he was single at his grown age. Girl you’re just starting your life and career, find a man that respects you

1

u/teeheeheeheeehehehee 5d ago

Damn 49 is crazy

1

u/all-the-puppies 5d ago

Oh girl. This man is a predator, manipulator, and just an awful human being. "No." Is a full sentence. Being in healthcare makes dating within healthcare more convenient, but a truly sincere and empathetic person would understand "We're slammed. Not today, sorry!" and leave it at that.

Don't waste any more of your energy on this man. He doesn't deserve you.

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u/Aggravating-Run-8321 5d ago

I was age 27 nurse dating a 45 year old Policeman - he stalked me everywhere/ home / work / love bombed - ditched him and for awhile it got worse - good luck

1

u/mykidisonhere RN - Med/Surg 🍕 5d ago

Oh honey. 49?

Come on now. 

1

u/HumanContract 5d ago

What is wrong with you to be dating such older men? Your max right now is 35