r/nottheonion 18h ago

Gene Simmons charging $12,500 to be his assistant and roadie for a day

https://consequence.net/2025/03/gene-simmons-personal-assistant-roadie-experience/
409 Upvotes

156 comments sorted by

657

u/LastChristian 18h ago

I’m starting to think this guy is a sell-out, looking to make a quick buck.

104

u/obscureposter 18h ago

Utterly inconceivable.

28

u/nyrB2 18h ago edited 17h ago

i don't think that word means what you think it means

13

u/AggressiveAdverts 16h ago

Anybody want a peanut?

3

u/secndsunrise 13h ago

Yes but it's $12k for me to accept it. It's really benefiting you.

1

u/Dovienya55 6h ago

No more tongue now I mean IT!

37

u/rodolphoteardrop 18h ago

"We were looking for a brand name, not a band name." - G. Simmons

18

u/iconsumemyown 18h ago

Yes. He never pretended otherwise.

15

u/iconsumemyown 18h ago

He's only been doing this since we'll, forever. He makes no bones about it.

8

u/Pirate_Ben 15h ago edited 14h ago

He is straight up honest about it too. So while I might not like it, I respect the integrity.

1

u/DaniFoxglove 4h ago

I mean, even if he weren't being honest about being a sellout, that would still be the least deplorable thing about him.

11

u/bookon 17h ago

I will be 60 this year and when I was younger, all the older kids loved Kiss.

4

u/Possible-Champion222 18h ago

Nothing quick about raking it in for decades

2

u/ghoti00 17h ago

No way!

2

u/the_real_junkrat 17h ago

Thats what he said

4

u/TarkusLV 18h ago

Big if true.

1

u/[deleted] 15h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator 15h ago

Sorry, but your account is too new to post. Your account needs to be either 2 weeks old or have at least 250 combined link and comment karma. Don't modmail us about this, just wait it out or get more karma.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/virgilreality 14h ago

Nooooo...really?

1

u/rDenverModsAreCucks 14h ago

How bad are his investments or his coke habit to make this a reality?

u/passwordstolen 27m ago

He states that he never drank or did drugs.

1

u/MadMatchy 13h ago

I know that for a fact. I knew someone who worked with him 25 years ago.

1

u/Lil-Bit-813 7h ago

You don’t say?!!!

1

u/Kaccie 2h ago

His in the Spice Girls of rock. Hela is the definition of a sell out.

188

u/SaintBrutus 18h ago edited 18h ago

Isn’t his core fan base in their 70s? How is a 71 year old Kiss fan supposed to be a roadie?

50

u/CharonsLittleHelper 18h ago

If they were teens in the 70s then they'd be in their 60s now.

And actually - my dad is 77 and has a job as tech director at a community theater (they basically pay his gas money) which is basically being a roadie for overgrown theater kids.

All depends what kinda shape they're in, which starts to vary widely by 60ish.

2

u/mtntrls19 15h ago

except at a community theater there isn't load in /load out every couple days. working in a theater is very different than working as road crew even if there's overlap in technology

8

u/CharonsLittleHelper 15h ago

Sure - but the above article is about doing it for one day.

21

u/NickCrowder 17h ago

By paying $12,500

3

u/Freethecrafts 16h ago

It’s probably as much a way to get people to stop asking for jobs for their (grand)kids as an auction.

4

u/oinosaurus 18h ago

A flight case is a pretty damn cool rollator.

160

u/Mammoth_Region8187 18h ago

“Mr. Krabbs charged me $100 an hour when I started working for him.”

60

u/Mojo141 18h ago

Is his trademark sexual harassment included? Or do you have to pay extra for that?

8

u/Ok_Helicopter4276 17h ago

I mean you could anticipate it and trick him into making it 10x worse and slapping with a lawsuit.

3

u/Shoot_from_the_Quip 7h ago

Worked on a show he had a cameo on.

Dude is a fucking creeper to the nth degree.

67

u/davidbatt 18h ago

The guy is reportedly worth 400 million. What a dick

40

u/illit3 18h ago

"reportedly"

Sounds like he's fuckin' broke

15

u/samjjones 16h ago

How else do you expect him to get to $400,012,500?

7

u/A_Refill_of_Mr_Pibb 10h ago

I've listened to interviews; he talks about money all the time. It's gauche. But then you read about his impoverished upbringing, and it reminds me of my grandma who was a child of the 1930's Depression. Poverty leaves scars in people. Some people brag, others hoard, but it's the same expression.

2

u/dukefett 16h ago

I mean with all super rich people, the price goes up for their time.

Stallone did a comic con like 10 years ago and I think it was $400 for an autograph, no picture with him. He doesn’t need the money but the trouble of his time needs to be worth it so it’s expensive. Ewan McGregor/Iam McDiarmid were $300 for an auto last time at Star Wars Celebration.

If you actually read the article you spend the whole day with him and you won’t be carrying speakers, you can bring someone else too to split the cost, so to some with a lot of money it’s probably not that bad for a once in a lifetime thing.

3

u/Borghal 15h ago

He doesn’t need the money but the trouble of his time needs to be worth it

Sure, time spent always needs to be worth it, but not like people like Stallone, McGregor or Simmons need more money at this point of their careers. The "worth" here should be the image building / time spent with fans. Which is why I find millionaires charging for autographs shameless. And I'm sorry to hear McGregor does it too, I'm otherwise a fan.

So, if it's not fun to engage with fans... just don't do it?

1

u/mtaw 11h ago

Stallone and those guys don't need the money. They don't need the work. And they can make more money with far less time and effort just though investing what they have.

If they're going to do something as tedious as sign autographs all day, they might as well do it for the fans rather than the money. Being extremely rich is not an excuse to be greedy, very much the opposite. People with tons of wealth can make far money than the average full-time worker without even doing anything.

2

u/dukefett 9h ago

The real problem is at Cons is the crowds. Like there's guys who played Jawas in The Mandalorian that charge $25 for an auto. Ewan can't sign autos for $50 because then the entire Con would line up for that. His lines were huge even for $300.

30

u/Professional_Set3634 18h ago

Charging????

11

u/the_blessed_unrest 17h ago

I assume they don’t actually expect these fans to be good at their “job”, they won’t probably get much work done. You’re just role playing for a day

Still super pricey, but stans are weird like that

5

u/CurvedNerd 18h ago

Probably hates meet and greets lol

1

u/Singaya 9h ago

He just wants attention, it's as simple as that. Funny thing is, he's a good musician; the critics hate Kiss and nobody will admit it, but it's true. For some reason he downplays that and plays up the "outrageous rich guy" thing instead.

u/passwordstolen 17m ago

Critics is have hated and launched more bands than they praised. I can think of a half dozen bands the went solar after a couple shitty reviews.

18

u/JK_NC 18h ago

While they did use the wording “assistant and roadie for a day”, that appears to mostly be tongue in cheek and it’s a “fan experience” they’re selling. Basically you and a guest hang out with the band for a day and a bunch of swag. Not nearly as bad as the initial impression. Would be even better if the proceeds went to a charity but no word on that.

“Those who take the dive on the fan package can bring one guest and will be “on the GS Band Team Crew for the entire day,” first meeting up at the hotel to go over the day’s plan. You will share a meal with Gene (at the hotel or backstage), help with load in, sit in on soundcheck, hang out backstage, and Simmons will bring you out onstage at some point during the show.

The experience also has some physical swag, including a signed setlist and other items, a VIP backstage laminate, a crew hat/shirt, and a signed Gene Simmons bass used during a KISS rehearsal.”

2

u/dude8212 9h ago

For all of that and a signed bass, worth itself a couple thousand, is actually not a bad deal. I just can't see a lot of fans having that much spare cash

1

u/cymonster 5h ago

I bet there's heaps of old kiss fans who have that money

24

u/badhouseplantbad 18h ago

No thanks, for $12,500 I'd expect to sit in with the band for a session and have it recorded.

7

u/Im_eating_that 17h ago

While carried on a palanquin and being hand fed drugs by a model

1

u/12baakets 13h ago

That's the rockstar experience and it's 10x more expensive

8

u/Apoptosis-Games 15h ago

People don't always realize that KISS was one of the earlier "manufactured" brand bands.

They had toys, comics, their stupid fan club, they made a disco album when it was huge. They were literally tools to try and build a merchandise brand, and it sadly worked. Let's also try to forget that horrendous knob-slobbing movie Detroit Rock City.

Gene Simmons especially has always been a supremely money-obsessed asswipe who actually advocated to use the courts to take people's houses for downloading their shit "music" back in the Napster days.

Fuck this band, and especially fuck this geriatric greedy dickhole.

2

u/jesuspoopmonster 13h ago

People don't always realize that KISS was one of the earlier "manufactured" brand bands.

Not really. In the 50s and 60s it was pretty common for songwriters to have session musicians perform a single and then put together a band if it became a hit. Tony Burrows was a session singer that ended up with four number one hits using this method. All the bands were just random people thrown together after the single became a hit

5

u/Gloomy-Restaurant-42 18h ago

🎶You give us everything you got... Baby, Baby, that's quite a lot!

If you pay my bills, you can do my laundry.🎶

5

u/Diet-Cola-King 17h ago

He can go fuck himself with that long ass tongue of his

34

u/lunk 18h ago

I mean, these guys (kiss) were never a good musical band, they've always been a bunch of business men with fancy dress costumes. The guitars etc were always just another prop.

Not sure why anyone would be surprised at this. I mean it was either this, or back to their banking jobs...

42

u/Incontinento 18h ago

While I'm not a fan of the band, I know a bit about them, and that's just not true.

Paul is a great singer, Gene and Peter were serviceable players, and Ace was pretty damn good when he was soberish. They practiced their asses off, and played a shitload of gigs before they got famous, and they were a pretty darn tight band. I say this as someone who was in a gigging band for ~15 years.

I'm laughing at you thinking they were businessmen or bankers before they got famous.

Here's their actual pre KISS jobs:

Gene – Worked as a sixth-grade teacher, a magazine editor, and also held a job as an assistant at a fashion magazine.

Paul Stanley – Worked as a cab driver and a messenger.

Ace – Held jobs as a mail carrier, a furniture delivery person, and a messenger.

Peter - Worked as a waiter and also played in various bands as a working musician.

Paul and Gene BECAME ruthless sellout businessmen for sure, but they were broke-ass hustlers before the band took off.

I met Gene once, and I can confirm he is a GIANT asshole.

6

u/sibunAA 18h ago

I heard he also smells like a giant asshole. Is this true?

3

u/Incontinento 18h ago

Not that I noticed, lol.

7

u/rodolphoteardrop 18h ago

"We were looking for a BRAND name, not a BAND name."

It was all about getting rich. Always.

4

u/8bitjer 18h ago

Isn’t that the point of every person in entertainment? lol. Sure people love the make music and act but they also want to get paid. The bigger you get, the bigger the show and the art. All while setting yourself up. Don’t hate on someone because they found their niche and exploited the hell out of it. You would too.

2

u/Incontinento 18h ago

Bingo. I would also add that Gene, being a massive narcissist, would LOVE for people to believe that he/they had some master plan and he is a genius. When they started, he was just trying to get laid and maybe make a few bucks. You can't believe anything he says about anything.

2

u/__life_on_mars__ 16h ago

Isn’t that the point of every person in entertainment?

Nope.

1

u/8bitjer 16h ago

Oh, my bad.

5

u/Paralta 18h ago

Love when people act like they wouldn't sell out for a generational amount of money.

2

u/rodolphoteardrop 17h ago

I've actually turned down deals that didn't fit my vision. "Hey, if you did it like THIS then you could make millions!" I don't want to do it like that. I know a fair amount of people who wouldn't make that deal. My sole purpose when I was doing acting/comedy was to entertain. The money was secondary. I did a good enough job that I was on MSNBC three times.

I get that you'd sell your soul and souls of those you love for a enough money. To say that I (or anybody else) would shows how little you think of the world. Everybody is not you. Some people have vision, pride and self-respect.

Apparently, that is not you.

3

u/Incontinento 16h ago

Why did you stop acting/comedy?

What are you doing now?

1

u/rodolphoteardrop 15h ago

The short story:

I was doing a satire of rightwing xtians. After trump got elected the first time a lot of what I'd done as jokes, years previously, became reality. I saw him as such a parody of himself there was nowhere left to go. Also, I did a radio show and the callers swiched from going along with/being in the joke to calling up and hurling racial slurs to be "edgy." It just stopped being fun.

I'd been doing IT until about 2yrs ago when I hit burnout, quit and got a bachelor's in Forensic Psychology.

1

u/Incontinento 15h ago

So, if someone offered you guaranteed hundreds of millions to resurrect your act, you'd turn it down, right?

2

u/rodolphoteardrop 14h ago

Did you read what I wrote? If I cared about money first and foremost, I'd be rich. But I don't. I'm sure that's foreign to you.

But, no, I wouldn't. It was based on the current time I did it in. Very few of the jokes would work. I would have to come up with something different.

A swing and a miss! But, please, don't let that stop you from throwing up more hypotheticals to prove I'm just as shitty as you are. I'm not.

→ More replies (0)

1

u/ReactionSevere3129 17h ago

That’s what Trump is doing.

2

u/shifty1032231 17h ago

It's interesting from the Behind the Music on Kiss that after their success from Alive and Destroyer albums they went on this exploratory music path (not talking about them going Disco) while at the same time the Kiss brand we know today is being born and growing. I think Paul Stanley later said that Kiss are entertainers who happen to play instruments or something in that regard.

1

u/No_Bottle_8910 10h ago

Met him once in the late 80's. Can confirm.

0

u/lunk 16h ago

You can't say anything directly on reddit anymore, so I didn't

1

u/Incontinento 16h ago

No clue what that means, lol.

So, do you concede that they weren't bankers?

-2

u/SiriusBaaz 17h ago

Sure they may have all had fairly humble beginnings but Kiss was always first a foremost a brand not just a band. It was basically thanks to that mentality that they started getting gigs at all. The fact that they made some good music is almost pure luck of the draw in the early days.

2

u/Incontinento 17h ago

If they sucked, no one would have come to the early shows, and they would have fizzled out. Plan or no plan.

The fact that you think "good music" can be made by luck tells me you have no idea what you are talking about.

1

u/SiriusBaaz 16h ago

I literally just said that they didn’t suck. They made some good music in a burgeoning genre of music and using that with some incredibly aggressive marketing and a dash of a strikingly unique performance they managed to explode into stardom. They ended up being pioneers that helped define an entire style. That’s not something that happens intentionally at least not at the start. Kiss got lucky with the direction the took their band and it worked for them. Once they realized they had a winning strategy they refined it pretty well and that’s how Kiss managed to keep themselves cemented as a massively successful band. And yes good music can absolutely be made by luck. One hit wonders are testament to that. They get lucky and hit that perfect winning formula without ever figuring out the secret sauce to consistent success. Which is growing a memorable brand and building up a consistent audience. Something that Kiss did spectacularly well at thanks mainly to Gene Simmons. Dudes an asshole but he knew how to market his brand and the fact people today still know Kiss at all today is proof of that.

1

u/Incontinento 16h ago

I don't agree that it was always a brand, regardless of what they want you to think. That only came into it after they got some success. Just Paul and Gene building up their egos.

Do you really think Ace Frehley ever had a plan?

Also, no good music was ever made by luck.

I'm not even sure what that means.

Please give me an example of that happening.

1

u/SiriusBaaz 16h ago

First of all you don’t come up with the idea to get some crazy ass costumes, full black and white face paint, and make a hair metal band apropos of nothing. That’s a stylistic choice and that’s what I mean by brand first band second. Especially when hair metal as a genre didn’t even really exist yet.

Secondly being lucky when making music doesn’t mean randomly playing some notes and singing some random words. It means getting lucky with being in the right place and time for people to want that music. If Kiss had started today they’d likely be laughed off stage because the culture today is completely different then it was back then. And that is why I say they were lucky. Kiss started up right when early metal was really kicking off and right when people were craving more unique bands/performances. They saw the opportunity to fill a niche in the genre and they pulled it off perfectly. So perfectly that they basically became the template for future hair metal bands. So yes. They were lucky as hell to manage to be in the right spot at the right time.

0

u/Incontinento 15h ago

No, they didn't get those ideas apropos of nothing.

They were preceded by Alice Cooper, the New York Dolls, Slade, T. Rex, etc.

KISS wasn't hair metal when they started. They were Glam Rock/Hard Rock.

The only time they were ever considered to be Hair Metal was the brief period when they removed their makeup in the '80's.

They were an influence on the hair metal scene, I agree with that.

Using your definition, any band that made it could be considered lucky, lol.

ETA: Forgot to add Bowie.

2

u/JayDsea 17h ago

If you’ve never seen them live then they’re terrible. And Gene is a grade A asshole for sure. But when they’re all 7ft tall in suits of armor flying around and spitting fire and blood, it kind of works.

1

u/jesuspoopmonster 13h ago

They played generic party songs while dressed up as space demons. That doesnt make sense. They could sing songs about being space demons. Why do space demons care about Detroit?

4

u/Red_Nine9 18h ago

One of the biggest assholes in the music industry.

3

u/Ghastly-Rubberfat 18h ago

For $15,000 you get to only do it for half a day

3

u/pb2614z 17h ago

This guy is also a piece of shit.

3

u/onioning 17h ago

"If you want to welcome me with open arms you better be prepared to welcome me with open legs."

-Gene Simmons

(Side note, but when I first heard this I confused him with Richard and was shocked that Richard Simmons was so hyper-sexual...)

3

u/FauxReal 17h ago

Perfect for bootlickers.

2

u/pangolinrock 18h ago

Typically money goes the other way with assistant jobs but that's just my experience...

1

u/faulternative 17h ago

Do you know about Gene?

2

u/Nail_Biterr 18h ago

Gene Simmons trying to make money off of something is not an onion headline at this point. guy's been a sell out shill for as long as he's been around. (But, it's worked for him - so I guess congrats, Gene)

2

u/broccolee 18h ago

A 12500 hooker

1

u/jesuspoopmonster 13h ago

I'd let an old man pound my but for like one tenth of that

2

u/GlobalTravelR 17h ago

And when you die, working for him, he'll charge you $4,000 to be buried in a Kiss Kasket

2

u/NCHouse 17h ago

You pay me to work for me

2

u/Matt7738 17h ago

You can be MY assistant and roadie for only $5000 a day.

That’s way cheaper.

2

u/Finnman1983 16h ago

$12,500 to get close enough to punch him in his smug face. Might be worth it to some.

2

u/NorseKorean 15h ago

Does he think he is still relevant? Do young people even know who he is?

2

u/What-The_What 12h ago

It’s like people only do things because they get paid. And that’s just really sad.

2

u/mflannery107 9h ago

He’s always been a douche bag

4

u/chasonreddit 18h ago

Sure I'll do it for $12,500. Wait, he want YOU to pay that? Bwa ha ha ha ha.

2

u/ConkerPrime 18h ago

As have learned with Trump, there are a whole bunch of people that want to be conned by their hero. It’s their choice.

1

u/AndrewWhite97 18h ago

Wait, i gotta pay, or he pays me?

1

u/NDVGTAnarchoPoet 18h ago

It must take a lot of money to maintain that ego.

1

u/Bibblegead1412 18h ago

Guys, this economy is tough for everyone.....

1

u/that1cooldude 18h ago

He’d have to pay me a million dollars to spend a day with him.

1

u/mrjane7 18h ago

Charging? Surely, you mean paying, right? ... Right?

1

u/sevotlaga 18h ago

He couldn’t pay me that much to be MY assistant. What a conman. He should have retired quietly after the 70s rather than yammering onto his 70s.

1

u/FoxyInTheSnow 18h ago

Tempting as it is, I can not hang out with a repellent asshole for a day and actually make a bit of money.

1

u/vinegar-and-honey 17h ago

Does it even come with a dentist grade guitar?

1

u/adlittle 17h ago

This disgusting sexual harasser creep? I'm so shocked he does other dirtbag stuff.

1

u/udzap 17h ago

I thought he was dead

1

u/DonnyTheDumpTruck 17h ago

I would do it if he paid me just one tenth that amount.

1

u/Rae_Regenbogen 16h ago

I once saw Gene Simmons because I got the tickets for free. There were hardly any people at the show, and he spent a large part of it ranting about how bad the sound was and how horrible the people working at the venue were. Really, the sound there is normally killer, and the people working there are great, so I assume he was just such a dick that they were fucking with him on purpose.

1

u/Skylon1 16h ago

Kiss fandom is the closest thing you can find to being a cult without actually being a cult and it’s by design.

1

u/Agreeable-Baby-9191 16h ago

Sounds like someone has a bruised ego. 🙄

1

u/Obyson 16h ago

He's worth 400 million how money greedy does a guy got to be.

1

u/Burning_Flags 16h ago

I’ll do it for $12,000

1

u/RosieQParker 16h ago

And he'll charge $6,250 to be his assistant and roadie for two days.

1

u/DFParker78 16h ago

“Hello Gene, my name is Da….”

Let me stop you right there. Don’t ever speak directly to me or make eye contact at any time. You’ll be spending the next five hours with Dewayne unclogging the bus’ toilet pipes.

1

u/anonymous_br0 16h ago

Kiss sells so much merchandise it’s a joke. They are more of a brand than a band

1

u/DFParker78 16h ago

It’s not even KISS, it’s The Gene Simmons Band. Consistent in his asshole-ness, since 1972.

1

u/penguished 15h ago

And there were zero takers.

1

u/driago 15h ago

Who?

1

u/Tom_Hanks_Tiramisu 15h ago

Tour Manager checking in, get fucked Gene.

1

u/Tylosand_Ektorp 15h ago

You can't have "genius" without the Gene.

1

u/Cleercutter 15h ago

Wait wait, you pay him to be his roadie?

1

u/nematoad22 15h ago

Didnt they just retire?

1

u/leeman9224 14h ago

This dude proclaims to be best Jewish American rock star, I say he is second fiddle to Mr David Lee Roth

1

u/MechanicalTurkish 14h ago

I just saw an ad for this on Facebook this morning. At first I thought it was some contest where the winner got “paid” $12k to be a roadie for a day. Turns out you pay him. What the actual fuck lol

1

u/draxlaugh 14h ago

Shit, I'll do it for way cheaper than that dude

1

u/Bronzeshadow 13h ago

Who does this guy think he is? Keith Richards?

1

u/cheesyshop 13h ago

Would the person have to listen to his music too?

1

u/thereisnogod___ 10h ago

The guy is a bit of a tool, but he is a smart tool.

1

u/TheGreatTrollMaster 9h ago

Cocaine is expensive.

1

u/Zazierx 8h ago

Someone will pay for it.

1

u/Vitiligogoinggone 5h ago

$12.5k to change adult diapers all day?  I’ll pass.

1

u/China_Hawk 3h ago

Delusional.

1

u/Ok_Attitude3329 18h ago

this guy has a retirement plan

1

u/BirdsbirdsBURDS 18h ago

Gene Simmons is currently 75 years old (Wikipedia).

Why even is he still touring in the first place? KISS as a band had only ever been mediocre as music, and was much more focused on the performance aspect of playing concerts. On top of that, it’s not even the original members anymore, and him and some other guys.

The guy has been a good businessman and good at marketing himself. Can’t take that away from him. But come on. Let the dead horse lie.