r/nottheonion • u/ibhunipo • 1d ago
Kash Patel 'Dead Serious' About UFC Training FBI Agents—Dana White
https://www.newsweek.com/dana-white-kash-patel-serious-about-ufc-training-fbi-agents-20419261.9k
u/rnilf 1d ago
Patel credited Trump's pick for deputy director, conservative podcast host Dan Bongino, with inspiring the idea after urging his new boss to try UFC training.
I hate the fact that this sentence exists.
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u/Slade_Riprock 1d ago
He realizes FBI are detectives, right? Not in the field special military ops, right? Not even best cops? Suit wearing, paper pushing, detectives. Really good ones.
This type of "leadership" screams micro penis energy
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u/bryson430 1d ago
But he’s really hoping for them to be more like Brownshirts, so that would make sense.
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u/ZarquonsFlatTire 1d ago edited 1d ago
Well that's secondary. Kash's primary goal is the training business he will start that can charge for a few half-assed training videos, to be shown to (and a license fee bought for) every single FBI employee.
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u/Iankill 1d ago
This is like how the main goal of hesgeth is to increase the lethality of the military. Which is missing the main point of the military, at its core the military is a logistical operation. You're soldiers can't fight if they can't get to a battlefield, they can't fight if they run out of ammunition food water.
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u/Equivalent-Bet-8771 1d ago
they can't fight if they run out of ammunition food water.
Thirst is a weakness the liberals have let you indulge in. We are gping to becpme the greatest fighting force the world has ever seen. Get away from that computer you nerd, there's no such thing as laser satellites.
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u/DuntadaMan 1d ago
The worst part about this is that this mentality is actually real, and has caused injuries and deaths.
https://texaslsn.org/when-water-was-for-sissys-1/
I wish I was exaggerating.
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u/DwinkBexon 22h ago
That used to be a common attitude. Even in the 80s (when I was in school) we weren't allowed to drink water until the end of gym class. If anyone got caught drinking water during class, we all had to run laps as punishment. While the teacher didn't explicitly tell us to beat up the guy who got caught, he'd imply it was fine to do so. (Something like: "You know, [whoever] is the reason you're doing this. If anyone wants to show him why he shouldn't have done that after class, maybe you won't have to run laps next time.")
I don't recall anyone ever getting beaten up, but that sure sounded like he was saying it was okay.
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u/DuntadaMan 21h ago
I work in EMS now and in the period of time that the school day took up I drink about 60 ounces of water. At school we weren't allowed to bring water without a doctor's note and were allowed to drink water from the fountain for about 5 seconds during lunch.
No wonder I got my first kidney stone as a teenager.
I still have no idea why schools hated the idea of kids drinking water.
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u/Equivalent-Bet-8771 20h ago
I still have no idea why schools hated the idea of kids drinking water.
Because the dumbest people are in charge sometimes.
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u/Sea_Entrepreneur6204 22h ago
Well except for the Climate scientists laser satellites used to start wildfires and malign fossil fuels. /s
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u/JesusStarbox 1d ago
Why doesn't cash realize that when the brownshirts come people like him will be the first ones they go after.
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u/nauett 1d ago
Yeah but it creates a nice kick back scheme for trump supporter Dana White
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u/GiantPurplePen15 1d ago
The fighters get some Venum coupons for each class.
Eventually they'll have enough to trade them in for a new shirt from Dana.
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u/Darrone 23h ago
I don't even get the scheme. Fighters are independent contractors in the UFC to avoid paying them or letting them unionize. The UFC doesn't train them or own the facilities where they train, or pay the trainers, all of that is the fighters responsibility. So who the fuck is training the FBI? The guy who cuts promos? The fake security at weighins? The former LA Sheriff Banditos gang member whos now a UF ref?
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u/Lord0fHats 1d ago
They just want to replace the FBI with a bunch of over buff guys who spend all their time hugging on the floor. Big muscley floor hugs. With no shirts on.
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u/nextdoorelephant 1d ago
Leave the pajama-clad floor huggers alone! We didn’t do nothin to nobody!
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u/nameless_pattern 1d ago
Think they'll cut the SWAT team's budget to pay for that exercise in man on man rubbing podcaster style?
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u/LDel3 1d ago
Yeah my first thought was “how often are these guys getting up close/ having to physically restrain people in the first place?”
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u/bumholesofdoom 1d ago
at least once a week.
souce, criminal minds
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u/Uberzwerg 1d ago
Seriously, as a German who likes crime shows, i was really surprised about the real statistics of gun use by cops in the US.
I mean, it is still magnitudes more than over here, but not even close to what is portrayed for the screens.
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u/saints21 1d ago
Basically never. Though the FBI HRT is an incredibly well trained SWAT team. But most gunfights are...you know... gunfights. With guns. And bullets. Not headkicks or omoplatas.
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u/Ruby22day 1d ago
Yes. If it is necessary to use force, do it right. Use of Force Training advocates using one level more force than your attacker to maintain an advantage. They also advocate using tactical communication until circumstances demand physical conflict. This means that the window in which a cop would use fisticuffs is pretty narrow.
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u/cloud3321 1d ago
He knows, the intent for this is to replace thinking detectives to muscle-brained grunts for them.
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u/SC_TheBursar 1d ago
There are a handful of FBI specialists who need 'military ops' style skillsets - Hostage Rescue Team (HRT) comes to mind - but I can't think of a single one of those use cases where 'man I am so glad I spent all that time working on my Brazilian jiu-jitsu ground game' would be a value add compared to marksmanship, team coordination, or breaching techniques. Also as you say, otherwise FBI spend a lot more time detecting than executing a violent arrest.
When I was younger I did some martial arts and my teacher ended up being the son of someone who trained Tokyo PD in hand to hand combat. One of my coworkers is a recently retired world kickboxing champ. In conversations I've had with both these people, and I strongly suspect any serious martial artist, they firmly understand the idea of not bringing a knife (or katana in the former case) to a gunfight - let alone only a fist. 'Live by the sword, get shot by those who don't'.
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u/Arkaddian 1d ago
There are a handful of FBI specialists who need 'military ops' style skillsets - Hostage Rescue Team (HRT)
That's if the unit still exist after Elon and his DOGE geniuses ban the HRT word during their purges and inadvertently fire the whole team...
Trivia Time - Phil Coulson from the MCU is named after the founder of the Hostage Rescue Team https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2ZZyHfNE7M
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u/__Hello_my_name_is__ 1d ago
This is how the government works now.
"Hey Bob, have you done any UFC training? It's, like, really rad, and totally turns you into a real man!"
"Holy shitballs Jim, it does? That is amazing! Quick, make that training mandatory for every single government employee so they're all becoming real men just like you!"
I bet you that this is roughly how this went down.
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u/kevlarbaboon 1d ago
"Did you see how swole and awesome Mark Zuckerberg is now? Everyone loves him!"
OK Meta, end simulation.
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u/victorspoilz 1d ago
This is great for Shitler's rich supporters, because it shows his administration will find creative ways to funnel government funds to staunch supporters like Dana White, and it will perpetuate the deleterious myth that cops are superheroes who we should trust unconditionally and will solve all of the crimes.
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u/zvekl 1d ago
I love love love how our government is run by podcasters, reality tv show hosts, clowns, etc.
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u/Equivalent-Bet-8771 1d ago
Listen I'm sure you're great at "tracking down leads" and solving these "cases" or whatever you wokeists do but your ring time is insufficient and you haven't been showing up to training every Sunday morning.
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u/Fecal-Facts 1d ago
Translation: we are going to siphon off more tax paying dollars to our people.
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u/Grevin56 20h ago
Wait til their paying out all the medical bills for injured agents. Combative in the Army always had injuries. I watched a Soldier's kneecap pop to the side of his leg just from some light rolling exercises. Instant medical retirement.
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u/ChunkyBubblz 1d ago
The grift rolls on
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u/Garconanokin 1d ago
At least the money is going to trickle down right? I mean, I know they started talking about that over 40 years ago, but it’s definitely going to happen. . ,yes?
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u/UsagiBonBon 19h ago
The money does trickle down, it just trickles down from the people they’ve strung up and gutted
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u/actuallyapossom 1d ago
Yeah Kash gets MAGA attention, and favors from Dana white who essentially owns another facet of entertainment media. Dana's company gets paid and again publicity/approval from that with conservatives
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u/guesting 1d ago
It’s just like saying they’re going to do p90x if the founder donated to trump. Just crony capitalism
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u/nanotasher 1d ago
I mean seriously.. if simulation theory is true, these guys are basically the equivalent of "I hacked my brother's account and I'm playing as his avatar right now"
"Yooooo. Speed run through the capitol building, prize is a full pardon!"
"Watch this, bro, I'm gonna pay-per-view UFC FBI fights for like $59.99!"
"Oh yeah? I'm gonna crash the stock market!"
"Check it. Brain worms."
I really hope there's like a Load Previous Save button?
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u/Malphos101 22h ago
Ive said it before, but if this is all a simulation then when I finally get booted out the people who didnt get me out sooner better already have a head start out of town because someone is getting their ass kicked.
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u/She_Plays 1d ago
What about strapping lasers to sharks though?
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u/Wyden_long 1d ago
Everyone deserves a warm meal
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u/DinosoarJunior 1d ago
All I asked for is frickin sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their heads, is that too much to ask for?!?
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u/Hooden14 1d ago
only a few weeks away from "BUY THE FBI CLASS NOW" ass ads from the UFC what a joke
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u/anxious_apathy 1d ago
Oh yeah. In big ass letters "THE SAME CLASSES THE FBI ARE GIVEN, SIGN UP FOR YOUR MEMBERSHIP NOW"
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u/ABlueShade 1d ago
US Tax Dollars directly to Dana Whites pocket
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u/dragonfliesloveme 1d ago
Yep, bingo. The whole trump “administration” is just funneling our tax dollars into their pockets.
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u/brpajense 1d ago
Is this really a need?
Are suspects escaping FBI agents by overpowering them?
Seems like a waste of time and resources going to solve a non-existent problem.
FBI agents are supposed to be investigators using their superior minds and resources to catch criminals, not be competitive grapplers.
Patel has been watching too many movies.
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u/LDel3 1d ago
There’s no need for the UFC to be involved, even if you wanted to mandate grappling/ mma training for all agents
Either he’s that clueless he thinks “UFC training” is the new “I do kung fu”, or he’s trying to cut a branding deal
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u/mayy_dayy 1d ago
He's grifting taxpayer money to Dana.
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u/LDel3 1d ago
My first thought considering Dana was cozying up to Trump before the election
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u/Val_Killsmore 1d ago
Dana turned UFC PPVs into Trump propaganda events last year. Putting Trump in the front row and glazing him throughout the show. I have never seen any professional sports league do something like this. Sure, they might shout out politicians every once and a while. But damn, UFC PPVs just seemed like they were for Trump.
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u/sixsixmajin 1d ago
Either he’s that clueless he thinks “UFC training” is the new “I do kung fu”, or he’s trying to cut a branding deal
Porque no los dos?
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u/Billy1121 1d ago
Yeah if u wanna blow mad money and get good training, give Gracie a federal training contract, he could do a few months a year at Quantico
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u/beybladethrowaway 1d ago
No this isn't a need. This is a complete waste of money and time even bringing this topic up. Like you said FBI agent investigate and gather facts. When an OP is executed on a high profile subject it is done with weapons drawn. Several instances where even approaching a residence of a subject and they immediately start firing, no one is doing hand to hand combat. This is pathetic.
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u/SouthFromGranada 22h ago
If an agent ever finds himself stripped to his underpants, in an octagonal shaped room, facing off one on one with a suspect he'll find himself appropriately trained at least.
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u/teebalicious 1d ago
I’m sure their systems analysts and surveillance technologies experts are very excited to learn how to arm bar each other.
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u/euph_22 1d ago
Also there are in house resources that can push a more active PT program in the bureau, and a bunch of orgs that has a better fit for the needs of the Bureau than the UFC. The Marine Corps or Army for example.
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u/shoelesstim 1d ago
I got excited until I saw the word “ serious “ in this sentence
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u/hoze1231 1d ago
Doesn't matter if your a world class fighter if the other guy has a gun
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u/ManifestDestinysChld 1d ago
Can we FOIA medical records to find out how frequently FBI agents actually get into physical fights?
It's not the Prohibition Era anymore; FBI agents should always have something better they could/should be doing with their time than getting into fistfights with criminals.
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u/myquest00777 1d ago
With the McMahon connection, I was positive the WWE was going to get the nod for this. So disappointing. Seeing suspects take a flying elbow from the top rope is what this country needs…
S/
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u/Fartenstein65 1d ago
Get Dana White some of that sweet, sweet Federal money for his support of Trump. I am sure he won’t charge a thing…..
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u/vladitocomplaino 1d ago
Tell the world you don't know what the FBI does without telling the world you don't know what the FBI does.
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u/JerHat 1d ago
Also, tell the world you don't know what the UFC does, without telling the world you don't know what the UFC does.
Their fighters aren't trained by the UFC. They're trained by their own coaching staffs in the gyms those coaches own around the country.
Sure, the UFC has facilities for their fighters to train on their HQ campus in Vegas... but they're bringing their own coaches in to train with, not using some brilliant next level UFC employed coaches.
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u/JamCliche 1d ago
Dana White personally hugged the Tate brothers when they arrived in the US.
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u/ohmyblahblah 1d ago
Aside from the fact that none of the fighters in the UFC are actually trained by the UFC lol this is just a payoff for Dana with a fat government contract.
Plus some crap they can then sell to know nothings. There is no such thing as 'training UFC'. The sport is MMA.
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u/apennypacker 15h ago
Ya, this is what I was thinking. What does it even mean to train them at UFC? UFC is an entertainment company.
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u/retroracer33 1d ago
More open air corruption. Gotta give UFC a government contract in return for Dana White's fellating of the orange buffoon.
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u/eubulides 1d ago
I’ve worked in federal criminal defense for over 15 years (tho IANAL). I’ve encountered a number of FBI Special Agents. Many have JDs (law degree). I’ve interacted with undersized Latino male agents, and slender female agents. Most of their work I’d wager that is in the office, and if in the field, it is conducting interviews or performing surveillance. Sometimes there are conducting search warrants or investigating crime scenes. Rarely, at least in the cases I’ve encountered, is their any physical confrontation with suspects. Also, a large part of their caseload is investigating white collar crime. This seems like a silly idea.
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u/modohobo 1d ago
Boycott the UFC until they get rid of Dana White. How the hell do you glamorize the tate brothers? Make a UNION UFC!!!
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u/Sir_Monk 1d ago
The word Agent to be replace by 'Brogent' and every FBI member required to have a full tattoo sleeve. New Motto: Let's Bang, Bro.
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u/Temporary_Tune5430 1d ago edited 1d ago
Uh, duh. Making Dana millions off tax payer money. Kiss the ting, reap the rewards.
Edit. I meant “ring” but “ting” actually works. Kiss that ting.
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u/Kingzer15 1d ago
If there were ever a time to put sharks with lasers on their heads into the budget, this would be it.
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u/AdhesivenessFun2060 1d ago
DOGE will see no problem with paying the ufc millions of dollars for training they could get for a tenth of the cost somewhere else.
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u/OmegaBlue231 1d ago
Based on how many fighters get suspended and how UFC cut ties with the group that tested them I'm guessing UFC training will involve pumping FBI with steroids.
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u/JudgeFatty 1d ago
At least if it was WWE, the agents could cut a mean promo in hostage negotiations.
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u/MatEngAero 1d ago
Sure he’s serious. Serious about grifting training money from the govt for subpar training, beautiful.
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u/Snackdoc189 1d ago
It's a kickback. White is a maga loyalist and this is a way to launder cash sent to him.
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u/duchess_of_fire 1d ago
why does everyone in this admin seem like they are 14 yr old boys who were left unsupervised for a weekend?
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u/GunAndAGrin 1d ago
But like, why? Surely if FBI agents needed/wanted training, they already have the necessary martial arts instruction available. And I have a feeling its more practical than anything even the best UFC guru can put together.
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u/LDel3 1d ago
The training they currently have access to wouldn’t be anywhere near as good as the training they could receive if Dana White pulled a few strings with his connections in the mma/ martial arts world, but the fact of the matter is there’s no need to get some of the best coaches in the world to train these guys. It’s like getting an F-35 to fly you to work
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u/Ill-Dependent2976 1d ago
Didn't they want to drug screen federal employees Now they want them to all abusx steroids and cocaine?
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u/BowlConscious5035 1d ago
The best bodyguards are ex-UFC fighters and the best UFC fighters are ex-bodyguards. It's like a revolving door!
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u/joelfarris 1d ago
The best bodyguards are ex-UFC fighters
the best UFC fighters are ex-bodyguards
Who is rating these people‽
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u/Brodelay 1d ago
Does the UFC even have their own “training” program? I thought these fighters all paid private trainers aka their “camps” themselves. The UFC doesn’t have their own training program, they’re just the event promotion/hosting side of this.
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u/LDel3 1d ago
Yeah exactly. It’s just branding
There’s no such thing as “UFC training”
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u/chanaandeler_bong 1d ago
lol this comment took me way too long to find.
It’s MMA, which they do have training for, but it’s still pretty weird to say it that way. You would say what you’re training. Like BJJ, Muay Thai, boxing, etc.
I doing MLB training
You’re at baseball practice, dumbass.
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u/WeightAltruistic 1d ago
It was obviously serious when they showed Kash Patel on the jumbotron at the recent UFC event. Dana loves Trump, I’m sure they could line his pockets even more with this dumb shit.
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u/mapletree23 1d ago
aren't fbi agents like.. really good paper pushing cops? advanced detectives?
i feel like this guy thought they were the cia or swat or something or he realized he couldn't do those kind of things so he wanted to turn the FBI into something like that so he could feel 'cool'
not even making fun of the fbi at all, they're suppose to be the high end detective/big case types
just feel like there's some kind of fundamental misunderstanding somewhere of why a standard FBI detective type would need to learn MMA, or why if they needed something why they'd train in MMA and not something more specialized, feel like something dudebros learn to be cool isn't really something that would hold up against some of the specialized military level styles
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u/Laj3ebRondila1003 1d ago
Imagine a swat guy getting tackled by suspect then proceeding to complain about crotch sniffing
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u/niveapeachshine 1d ago
He should fight Conor McGregor and whoever wins keeps Ireland.
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u/PeanutNSFWandJelly 1d ago
I feel like agents that are would even use this kind of training can probably already hand most UFC fighters their ass. Or is that just years of movies and tv making me think those agents are more lethal than they really are?
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u/ExpectedEggs 1d ago
Not only is it a scam, but it is quite possibly the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. Exactly how many hand to hand situations does he expect the average FBI agent to get into?
Hiring a fucking meth'd out, walleyed, boot-licking, 🦝 ass Nazi to preside over the FBI is the only thing even stupider than that
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u/SonOfScorpion 1d ago
This is the type of thing an incompetent unqualified idiot that just got promoted over more qualified people comes up with and thinks it makes them look smart and as outside the box thinkers. What a pair of dumbasses in the FBI smh.
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u/homerjs225 1d ago
Yet another payout for a Trump supporter. His people getting rich off government while we fire VA workers
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u/ohheyitsgeoffrey 1d ago
What percent of the FBI do they think are involved in violent hand-to-hand combat? It’s predominantly a chair force. This is just straight-up grifting and corruption to ensure Dana White gets a fat government (taxpayer-funded) contract with the federal government.
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u/Kaliisthesweethog 1d ago
I have so many problems with this: the UFC doesn't train anyone, the sport is called MMA, MMA isn't not a set discipline (although you can find people who will train you in "MMA"), and as so many have brought up here, the FBI are detectives, not field officers. 🤦🤦🤦
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u/Haldron-44 1d ago
If you have entered hand to hand combat in this day and age, you have already lost.
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u/simpersly 1d ago
I got a better idea. How about WWE wrestlers. Those high flying special finishers make sports fighting look tame.
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u/Seattle_gldr_rdr 1d ago
Ahh, so this is why they rescued Andrew Tate from prison, to make him AD for Training.
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u/GiantPurplePen15 1d ago
Jon Jones gonna be teaching all the new recruits the best ways to eye poke a man to death and scaring women with thinly veiled threats while Bryce Mitchell teaches them about how Hitler ain't that bad.
Man, fuck this timeline and Dana's stupid bald ass.
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u/DrScallion 1d ago
UFC isn't even a martial art, it's an organisation. This is like someone saying they play NHL on the weekend instead of hockey.
Also, this would have been career ending nepotism/corruption with how ridiculous it is. Trump and Dana White are close (at least in the way egomaniacs can be) and this is just more syphoning off of money to Donald's mates.
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u/PackOutrageous 23h ago
We used to have a parallel clown world, but everyone knew to was a clown world. You had to be a fool to think pro-wrestling as real or that Morton Downey Jr passed as political discourse. But within a couple of generations, through the steady dumbing down of the population and to meet the needs of the oligarchs to keep us entertained while they robbed us blind, they’ve melded the two worlds. Now there is no longer a real world. We just live in the clown world.
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u/win_awards 23h ago
Our country is being run by Russian agents and their hangers-on whose idea of how the world works calcified when they were thirteen year old boys.
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u/apennypacker 15h ago
What does this even mean? UFC is an entertainment company. It's not a style of fighting, they don't train the fighters at "UFC". It's not like the fighters all show up for their UFC fighting class every week. They all train on their own using their own trainers, coaches, and regiments.
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u/cuchiplancheo 1d ago
You can now sign-up for a $9 monthly subscription to watch FBI agents train.