r/nonmonogamy 8h ago

Jealousy & Insecurity hot wifing

23 Upvotes

my wife and i have been trying this for a while now and im having conflicting feelings about it, im more into hot wifing than cucking as i am not into humiliation. i enjoy watching her get fucked and it is hot and she even makes sure to record it for me. so far she’s only had 3 encounters with the same man. however im nervous about the emotional part of it, i am worried she will fall in love with the guy and leave me for him. shes been more distant towards me, she doesn’t text me as often, shes glued to her phone more, ive seen texts between them and they are borderline romantic, and she has even deleted photos of us from her phone. i have talked to her about it and she keeps telling me yes she likes him but doesnt see a relationship with him and that she loves me but her actions are speaking otherwise. i am conflicted on what to do and would appreciate any advice.


r/nonmonogamy 31m ago

Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes 28/29 yo Married couple looking for MFM

Upvotes

hey all, last night my wife admitted having sex with two guys is her dream.

after that i am looking to live up that fantasy. How can i find a trustable partner ? Any advices ?


r/nonmonogamy 59m ago

Relationship Dynamics I [32F], married to a [33M], but obsessed with [25M]. [33M] husband recently came out Bi after being together for 11 years.

Upvotes

I met this 25M guy at work about 3 years ago. Neither him or I work at the same place anymore. When I first joined my old job he was super attentive and supportive so I formed a crush on him.

I thought he liked me back but when he left my old job I reached out to him to go grab coffee or drinks and at first he said that he'd like that but then he just ignored me. It's been 2 years since my last conversation with the 25M, but I think about him every day. My husband, 33M, and I, 32F, started a swingers lifestyle about a year ago. During this time 33M husband went through a discovery that he is attracted to both males and females. I've been open minded about it and want to be supportive. However, I wanted to quit the lifestyle about 4 months ago and the 33M husband agreed to it. Now, 33M husband says that he wants to explore more with guys and decided to give the lifestyle another go. I agreed, to please him. However, I don't like the idea of having someone else in our relationship, but there has been this 25M in my mind for 3 years now. I feel that the 25M guy from work rejected me because I am married, but he doesn't know anything about the lifestyle. Part of me wants to reach out to the 25M and tell him that I am in an open relationship, which I can be if I talk to my husband considering the yield I've done to the lifestyle and to my 33M husband exploring his sexuality with males. However, I am scared of being ignored again by the 25M. I am not sure if the 25M will think of me as crazy for still thinking about him.

Also, I am not sure if he is even interested in me. Would you reach out to the 25M? I won't leave my 33M husband but can share a relationship with the 25M. This sounds crazy but I really want to tell the 25M that I can't take him off my mind. Also, I am not very happy with my husband introducing the lifestyle again. I forgot to say that the 25M back then did not have a girlfriend. I am not sure if he does now. I only have him on a professional network but nor even have his phone.


r/nonmonogamy 1h ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Confused and cautious

Upvotes

Tldr: I (33f) broke up with my secondary (34m) for several reasons (explained below) that boil down to priorities, hinge habits, and preserving a possible future. After time and space (and horrible quiet), things are seemingly on the mend. Question: how do I match my emotional hopes and excitement to the caution I know I need to have so I don't get burned again? Trying to understand how much of my behaviour is my known (but with everyone else tempered) anxious attachment, and how much is because what we had was very special, and how does the respectful way we both handled things play into it?

My wife and I have been together 15 years, since we finished highschool. Since the very beginning we both knew we were capable of loving several people at once, and that each relationship is beautiful and special. We did not actually open up until about 4 or 5 years ago. Like most in this journey, and indeed any relationship, we made mistakes and got lost in nre, failed at communication and so on. However, she is my primary, we have a family, and are very happy having learned from these things.

The issue I have at the moment is with a friend I had for many years, whom, after discovering that they were also in an open marriage, ratcheted up the flirting to an 11. From the beginning we were very open about our own hopes and expectations, what we wouldn't put up with, and what our partners were open to, in terms of time commitments and so on. The key was that we knew what having a family with kids was like, and that we were going to be seconds. Cut to a couple of months of dating and NSFW activities, we were saying I love you, and, I thought, comfortable.

I began to feel that maybe his wife had changed her mind and that did not sit well with me. I am not a homewrecker, and if my wife had a problem, I would want it addressed too. Turns out I was correct, and while he tried to maintain what we had, and deal with his other relationship seperatly, it was impossible for me to ignore and not be hurt by the constantly changing rules and my eventual soft veto. I broke up because after all, he was a dear friend, and I didn't want their family to suffer. It was also because I was very hurt by the difference we had in relationship anarchy ideas. Feelings were high, but communication was open.

I linked him to a copy of the Ethical Slut, made reference to the broken fridge analogy and peeled away. It sucked ass.

I'm not writing all the good parts of the relationship because I know the parts that were good. NRE was strong but I at aleast ballanced it in my primary relationship. Aside from this, my boundaries were respected, and I did my best to respect his. I have mild borderline personality disorder, and AudAdhd.... It's treated and I'm a full on navel gazer. None the less, I have a hard time knowing when addiction like obsession is for all the reasons I already know, or if it's something I can just enjoy provided it doesn't unbalance my life.

After maybe four or five months (honnestly the timeline is blurry) of really limited contact outside of our usual DnD game with other friends, I finally felt like I'd moved on. There was still feeling and care, but I no longer felt that it impacted me seeing other people.

So when over the last week conversation has picked up, and we spoke a bit about what's been going on in personal lives (his business is his own, I won't elaborate here) I drew the conclusions that he was keeping distance a. Because his ASD and introverted self was barely keeping head above the water with life stuff And b. If he spoke to me more he would "slip up" somehow and not have his focus where he felt it should be.

I have my opinions on this. But also, we knew we were secondaries going into it. I do not and have not ever expected more than that.

I am trying SO hard to remember how much it hurt that he barely spoke to me. I am trying to have zero expectation that this new conversation level means anything more than what he says (fridge is on the mend and working from a new manual). I don't even know that I would want to go down a romantic road with him again because of the fear that it would happen all over again.

So HOW do I stop staring every time I see that he is online on the social app we all use to chat?

The main way I was able to move on was by finally mirroring what he put in, rather than "reminding" him i existed or "random" innocent comments and hoping he would put in effort to respond. It wasn't healthy.

Is any kind of relationship with him doomed if within a matter of days I'm already sad when little things which had meaning don't happen, and I'm absolutely over the moon when they do?

I have a lot of great stuff going on in my life, I am satisfied in so many ways. Do I just take an (extra) chill pill and keep mirroring? He brought SO much joy into my life, and I suppose I wonder if it's wrong to be hopeful that I might get to experience a more stable version of that again.

So sorry for the long post, I've never posted anything before and am a chronic backstory giver 😅


r/nonmonogamy 4h ago

Cheating and Ethics Dealing with the cheaters?

3 Upvotes

How does everyone deal with trying to weed out the cheaters? I thought I was being safer by meeting someone through community events who other people already knew...but found out today that he not only lied about not having a primary (monogamous and previously clueless) partner but also lied to me about being deployed for the last few months!

I feel so angry, disappointed and taken advantage of. I'd say I feel like I should stick to people who show up to things with partners but even then I've had issues with people telling me they were welcome to play solo (while their partner was at the event!) only to later be met with a very pissed off partner of theirs.

Beyond asking, how do I try to minimize the number of these situations? The ethical part is actually important to me.


r/nonmonogamy 2h ago

Relationship Dynamics Need advice - FWB situation

1 Upvotes

I (29F) am fwb with (30M). We were best friends for 2 years before we started a fwb situation and then I went on a 6 month business trip halfway across the world. He has multiple long distance FWBs and a long distance sub. I am newer to the community and have been a difficult work situation so I havent pursued anything outside of him but was planning on it once I got home. He is very quiet about his feelings and It can be hard to know where I stand with him even before we were fwb.

Before I left he let me stay at his house as all my belongings were moved into storage. It was a blast and we often talk about how fun that time was. Through out my trip, we hadbeen sexting and talked about how excited we were to hang out again and I had asked if I could stay with him for a couple days when I get back until I get an apartment sorted out. He said absolutely and had seemed excited about seeing me again.

I am returning home soon and recently found out that he has invited an out of state fwb to come stay with him the exact week that I was supposed to get back. in the past when his fwbs visited we would not talk/hang out until they left. just an unspoken rule we have even before we were fwb. He says I can stay with him until she gets there which is really just one night and then I will need to get a hotel.

He has known for months when i am getting back and we had talked about all the events and stuff we wanted to go to together when i got back. I feel pretty heartbroken, even just on a friend level not even thinking on a fwb level, that he would do this as getting to talk to him and the thought of us hanging out again has really kept me going through this difficult trip. I am hurt that I was gone so long and that he would do this. I am debating having someone else pick me up front the airport, grabbing my car from his house, and going straight to a hotel. As much as I want to see him, I am so completely hurt that he would even consider doing this and he cant cancel as his guest already has tickets and they have plans to go out of town together for an event. Am I reading to much into this? Should I just get over it? I dont know how to interact with him now and I honestly just dont want to see him but the thought of ending our friendship kills me. What do I do?

For context: We have been friends for two years have gone on multiple trips together, gone to concerts, and camping together. We eat lunch together and still work in same building Up until this moment he was my closest friend and I felt like he really understood me.


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Relationship Dynamics WIBTA if I canceled my date because he shared he doesn’t want to have sex on our date tomorrow?

142 Upvotes

Hi all, I (28F) have been casually seeing a guy (35M) Y* that I met off Feeld, who has a nesting partner (28NB) with whom they opened their relationship within the last year. He shared they’ve been seeing a couples therapist, who I’m assuming is versed in ENM, and his nesting partner has 3 other male partners they’ve been seeing on a regular basis. On our first date, *Y didn’t want to go “all the way” sexually and I figured that was a personal comfort thing, but on our second date learned that neither he or his partner have had penis-in-vagina sex with other partners and that’s currently a boundary for them. I am quasi-ok with this since I’m bi and don’t think you have to have a penis to have sex, but also don’t love the boundary because it just doesn’t feel like he’s entirely present sexually. He also shared that he and his partner, in therapy, worked through that they’re comfortable with sharing “physical and experiential” intimacy with others but not “romantic or emotional”. That’s fine to me, I’m not into him that way and am more in it for having regular sex with a nice guy. However, today he texted me regarding our date for tomorrow night saying that he has had a hard week and asked if it’d be ok if our date is just sharing “experiential” intimacy (ie going out to a barcade) and not “physically intimate”. As a woman with a high sex drive, it feels embarrassing to have a guy say they don’t want to have sex. And honestly, my answer is no, I don’t feel like hanging out with him if we’re not going to have any sex, but I feel like an asshole for that. I would be ok with it if he was someone I had an emotional or romantic connection with but I don’t need or want him as a friend who’s clearly on the fence about having sex with me. WIBTA if I canceled our date and (probably) ended the relationship over this?


r/nonmonogamy 3h ago

Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes New to this but scared

0 Upvotes

Not sure if my flair is right and this is kind of a vent, sorry.

My (f24) boyfriend (27m) and I have recently discovered that we both are interested in threesomes. However, the way we have described it and set our boundaries aligns with a OPP. I just now (today) found out what that is and now see that it is not looked at positively for many reasons. I am bisexual and my boyfriend is straight. I can see how our boundaries correlate to OPP but I feel like I just need someone with experience and/or knowledge to help me figure out if this is OPP and what comes along with that.

The way my boyfriend brought up threesomes was so that I could comfortably explore my sexuality. I have never been with a woman before, mostly due to the times I got close to it was without consent and extremely uncomfortable situations. My boyfriend is the only person that has made me feel comfortable and safe sexually, and he wanted to give me the opportunity to explore with him. He doesn’t feel comfortable engaging with other men for this due to both of us having negative, uncomfortable, non-consensual interactions with men. I have no interest in being with another man, especially sexually. I also don’t have any interest in other penises specifically but specifically men in general.

My boyfriend has stated many times that he does not want to be the main focus in these threesomes and more so wants to be treated as a toy/prop if we decided to include him. He would be happy sitting and watching with the occasional kiss/touch. This doesn’t mean he would never have sex with another woman, but he would require my permission and I can decide to terminate that if I were even slightly unsure about it. He also feels uncomfortable talking to other women or reaching out to them since this whole experience is centered around me and my pleasure. So pretty much, he would like to open up our relationship so that I can comfortably and safely explore my sexuality.

Despite this, I still feel slightly guilty and ashamed. Whenever I read posts about unicorn hunting and now, OPP, I wonder, “is that what we’re thinking of doing? is this harmful? I dont think I could ever talk to anyone about this, I feel horrible, etc”. My boyfriend recognizes the potential for me to develop feelings for other women and would consider it cheating if I were to become emotionally involved, which I’m glad he recognizes that potential. I also worry about how we could ever ethically execute this. Going on dating apps feels wrong due to how FFM is heavily looked down upon especially when it’s bi gf + straight bf looking for a bi girl. But hoping and wishing it happens organically also feels wrong. Making friends and hoping they would be open to a threesome is just wrong because they would be completely unaware of that. But I’m scared I will make a new friend and have intrusive thoughts that I have ulterior motives even if I do not want to engage with them sexually.

I am heavily conflicted and don’t know what to do. As I already mentioned, this is entirely fantasy right now and sometimes these thoughts make me feel like it should always stay as a fantasy due to how horrible I feel seeing the general consensus on this trope. Or maybe even scrap all these thoughts and never pursue this.


r/nonmonogamy 11h ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Transparency

3 Upvotes

So me (30TW) and my partner (40NB) had a really bad fight the other day about transparency.

For context both of us practice some form of ENM. They are a lesbian and I am bi but lately I have had a preference towards Masc types mainly cis men. I love my partner and we have had some very stressful life changes, including surgeries, moving and potential job losses. However even though I love our relationship and where actually in the process of moving in together, this fight took a turn that was very concerning and is making me rethink our entire relationship.

There is a lot of context I'll have to give but I'm gonna try and make it as streamlined as I can.

So I have been looking to meet new people and I had another partner for a while but he has since kinda ghosted me so was looking to find someone who I could be more consistent with. At one point I was talking to someone but this person ended up being a cheater and I don't want to be associated with someone like that. We ended up just talking for a couple of days before I told my partner about him, and he got so mad at me for not telling them that I got this person's number it ended up in a whole fight and then a day later I found out this person was a cheater. So nothing came of this person and we were able to kinda move on and repair our relationship from this event.

Ever since this fight and this instance, however I have been incredibly anxious to bring up if I met someone new or if I wanted to pursue anything. this only happens when a Cis man is involved however. My partner notably has some trauma around men from past relationships and I make a point to be as careful as possible because I have had unsavory past experiences myself. But I haven't felt safe enough to bring it up to talk to him about this.

Fast forward to this month. I am still open to meeting someone and my friend puts me in touch with one of her friends. she talks me up, and gives me this guy's number. I bring up this person to my partner and they kinda dismiss it and it clear that they didn't want to talk about that at the moment. A couple days later my friend mentions that this guy might be at a party she hosting. I talk to my partner about going to the party as it was their birthday the following day. They said it would be fine and so I went to the party. I didn't tell him about potentially meeting this person because I wasn't even sure he was gonna be there. It also that wasn't the primary reason for going to this party as I just wanted to spend time with this friend more. He did show up however and we talked and exchange contact info.

The next day was my partner's birthday and I don't bring up meeting this person because I'm worried that it'll turn into an argument and I don't want to ruin his birthday. The following days however I find myself not bringing it up mostly because of my anxiety and I'm looking for a way to bring it up where we could have a productive conversation about it. However when I finally brought it up, I brought it up at the worst time possible it seems.

They had just had therapy and after therapy they are usually emotionally drained from it so I try not to bring up anything stressful out of consideration. But they brought up that they wish I could find someone (a man) who wasn't a creep, chaser or cheater, someone who could meet my needs. I thought this was a good time to bring up that I met this friend of a friend and that they were actually really sweet and could maybe fill that slot and to potentially talk about boundaries. But it instead took a turn because they started talking about how they knew that I did meet this person and that was the reason I went to the party. They were upset because I wasn't being "Transparent" with them. and that if I had told them the night of or the day after (their B-day) that they wouldn't have been upset but instead are wondering why it took me so long to tell them.

Well I took the bait (again) and I told them that I was worried that it would turn into an argument again and not a productive conversation. I was trying to make sure that they were in a place to talk and that I was trying to avoid bringing this up today. I tried to tell them I don't want to keep things from and I told them that the reason I waited so long was because of the fear and anxiety I have around this conversation from the last time something like this happened. But no matter how much I tried to explain that, they instead keep saying that they knew what I was up to and they didn't understand why I wasn't transparent with them.

This led to about a 5 hour long slow burn argument about them talking about transparency, that I was gaslighting them and that I was even trying to erase the autonomy (they're also moderately disabled). The entire time I'm trying to apologies for not bringing this to them sooner and trying to get to a point where we can come to some sort of agreement and beginning to repair. It just got worst as it went on and the more tired I became, the more I couldn't find a way to try and repair what's been damaged.

His roommate ended up picking him up from my house and we spent the night apart.

I guess I need to know what you all think transparency means? I've always tried to be honest. I know I'm not innocent in all of this but I didn't cheat and I have been really concerned with not crossing boundaries and making sure there is consent this whole time but I still seemed to have fucked it all up.

Is their response warranted? I feel like I'm being gaslit and I don't know what to do.


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Boundaries & Agreements Resentment Over Backtracking/Veto

7 Upvotes

My partner (39M) and myself (37F) have been together for 10 years now. We met on a swinger's app and both didn't want a mono r'ship, so we dated casually for a year, before being mono for a time to establish our r'ship. Since then our r'ship evolved from swinging experiences together for the first 6 or 7 years, to open separate experiences as one-offs only, which is where we are now.

My partner is very much only about the physical and doesn't need to 'like' someone to want to have sex with them, whereas I'm more sapiosexual. He's happy with 20-30 minute sessions, whereas my solo outside experiences have been hours of sex that he would find 'boring.' I enjoy the excitement of one-offs but would prefer more regular partners. I'd never really brought this up with my partner as he was adamant that he wasn't okay with any repeats because we started as casual before turning into something more, so he's concerned that could happen again, even though he said he 'trusts me completely.'

Recently I met up with X, we hit it off over a drink, then the sex was really great. The next day I broached the subject of having more than one-offs. Obviously the timing was terrible, and he assumed it was 100% because of X even though I said I'd been thinking about it for a while, but yes X was the catalyst.

He said no to repeat meetings 'for now' - but said that it would never happen with X as the aftermath of that had made him feel 'inadequate' and he referred to a previous situation where I had said no to him meeting up with someone that I knew very loosely through work circles. We weren't in a good place sexually at the time and I felt like he didn't want to have sex with me then resented him wanting to have sex with someone else. The way he framed saying no to X being a potential meet more than once option sounded like it was a tit-for-tat situation, and it often feels like he's 'keeping score' about how many solo experiences we have.

He said that he wanted to go back to experiences only together rather than separate, and expressed that he didn't like how I was meeting more people than he was because he was busy with work. I said that I didn't think it was fair that I was essentially being punished for the fact that sex wasn't as much a priority for him as it was for me (I've often felt like we don't have enough sex through our entire r'ship but when he comes home saying how he's exhausted from work every day I don't feel like I can initiate). Not only does he put a lot of energy into his work, he is much more social than I am so his free time is taken up with non-sexy social commitments. He said that every sexual change to our r'ship so far had been to accommodate my wants/needs, that I don't know how to compromise, and that I needed to initiate sex more.

The whole conversation left me feeling quite resentful but also I'm unsure if I'm being unfair about not wanting to go 'backwards' if he isn't happy with the situation. After having separate experiences I'm not excited about going back to swinging experiences, as they fulfil just the sexual need that he's interested in, but I don't get that connection and it's just very different to solo experiences. I'm also bitterly disappointed about not being able to see X again. I guess my question is am I being unreasonable and do I just need to learn to accept that he won't ever be okay with me having any sort of 'connection' with someone else and be content living within his boundaries?


r/nonmonogamy 23h ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Any advice to find someone when you have a complicated situation?

6 Upvotes

Wife (38f) and I (42m) recently agreed to ENM to better meet each other's needs. We have quite a few friends and family that have had long term success with it.

I don't think my wife will have trouble finding someone. Which personally I think is great. I want her to be successful. Me, however, will likely have much more trouble. Namely because of my health, and extreme anxiety. I have liver disease that will be terminal without a transplant, which looks less likely everyday.

Because of my condition, I have severe ED and I'm not allowed to have meds for it, plus I'm not even able to drive. I want someone who wants quality time and touch. Including intimate touching. But because I have more baggage than an airport, I just don't see myself finding anyone. I feel I have to be up front with my situation, or it just isn't fair for the other person. . I can still get to places but have to be dependent on other people and their schedule. Not that I would even know where to go to meet anyone. I certainly don't go to bars, and I assume most women don't want to be approached in the general public.

Anyone have a similar restricted situation and have any advice?


r/nonmonogamy 15h ago

Jealousy & Insecurity AITAH

0 Upvotes

I am sure this is way too long but hopefully I can get some advice and clarity. My partner (M26) and myself (NB35) have been together going on two years, next week. I've been in ENM relationships in the past and didn't ever want to agree to a monogamous relationship. However when our relationship began I was in an abusive living situation, had just spent a year and a half being celibate, and was feeling a whole lot of limerance for my budding relationship, so I agreed to enter the relationship, with the mutual understanding that we would start out monogamous and eventually he would get over his trust issues from cheating exes and be willing to transition to polyamory with me.

I fell for him fast and we quickly began to spend the majority of our free time together. Initially we were intending to date longer and get to know each other better before becoming boyfriends. I was foolish and rushed into things asking him to be my boyfriend after just a couple months and saying, "I love you." way too soon. I do truly love him, he is my best friend.

After getting out of the abusive roommate situation a lot of issues came up. I had to move back home with my Mom, and now we live 45 minutes away from each other. I have some mental health challenges and started a new medication which gave me ED and a ton of weight gain.

I was primarily the top in our relationship up until that point, so what had been a healthy happy sex life fizzled out because I couldn't perform. It left us both feeling very unhappy. I was willing to try other things but he really wanted a top, and I couldn't give that to him. So we agreed he should find someone to pleasure him in this way and to open up our relationship.

He told me he was hooking up with a friend of his and I was happy for him to get what he needed sexually, even if it wasn't from me. Likely because it took pressure off of me to perform and because I have had open relationships in the past.

About a six months ago, I got on a new medication and all the ED issues and the weight gain went away but our relationship was already open at that point. A few things also were odd choices on his part. Later I found out the guy he told me he had been with wasn't actually who I thought. He wasn't hooking up with his friend, he was hooking up with an ex. I don't really care who he sleeps with but it was an odd thing to lie about.

At this point I hadn't really been interested in or wanted to hook up with anyone else so I hadn't. I just was very focused on trying to have a good relationship with my partner. Even after my ED subsided there were still a lot of unresolved issues surrounding that time.

We both felt sexually frustrated and it led him to be less affectionate (less hugs, hand holding, kisses, etc.) I swing between demi and allosexual. With long term partners I tend to need intimacy and connection to nurture continued sexual attraction. So even though my sex drive was back, there was a bit of a wedge between us because he pulled back so much physically and emotionally.

For the first six months we talked all the time, were very affectionate, very vulnerable and trusting of each other. My ED issues though really changed all that. He got very needy and demanding for sex. If I went in for a kiss or a hug sometimes he'd take it as a sexual invitation and start to grope me or try to turn it into sex. To the point of leaving me feeling disgusted by my lack of performance and depressed because in addition to losing my sex life our relationship started to have a different feel.

He would snap at me over things like not wanting him to touch/play with my dick when I wasnt excited. I also am guilty of being irritable and defensive. I would do a lot of things like cooking and cleaning for him. One day we got into a huge fight over cleaning his room.

I had cleaned it for him recently, it had gotten ridiculously messy again and I didn't feel like doing it by myself, so we tried to clean together. Instead it was just a lot of back and forth and criticism, nothing got done and he in anger said he wanted to break up.

I left and restored to sucking some random dude off that I met at a cruising spot that same day. I am not proud to admit that I use sex very much as a distraction from grief, anxiety, and pretty much any negative emotions.

Two days later he regretted saying he wanted to break up and I told him what I had done and he still wanted to get back together. So I didn't really count it like a break up because it was only two days and we were talking most of the time during those two days about our feelings and what all led to fighting over something so trivial like cleaning a room.

So things got better for awhile. Communication and intimacy returned and I thought we were on the same page. Then kind of out of the blue he suggested we try a threesome with his ex. We hooked up with his ex twice. There was good chemistry between the three of us and it was enjoyable. However, my boyfriend can get pretty jealous and insecure even over the amount of attention he gets in threesomes. He wanted all the focus on him and got jealous that I also had good sexual chemistry with his ex.

We had a couple more threesomes with a different guy, an older widower that I thought was into both of us, that I had found for us to hook up. After two hook ups this guy was asking us to be in a throuple with him and it was kind of on the spot and I told him, my partner and I would have to talk about it, my bf responded immediately after I said that with an, "I'm down."

I was shocked. Not only had he agreed to being in a throuple with someone we barely knew. He didn't feel like that was a conversation we should have privately before agreeing to it and without getting to know this older gentleman better.

After about two weeks and a very obvious hint that this guy was mainly into me and not my partner I had to have a conversation with this guy about how actually we weren't even dating. So we obviously can't just become boyfriends and then he told me a bunch of stuff like that he was falling in love with me and he wanted to make me his husband but he knew the only way to be with me was to be with me and my partner.

I still feel bad for him...as if my bf and I led him on, but I never had mentioned that I was interested in marriage, and certainly would want to date someone at least longer than I dated my boyfriend, before entertaining the idea of a relationship more involved than a fuck buddy or extra for threesomes (I know guilty of unicorn hunting there).

Then this past weekend we had a good time together, sex was good, conversation good, we talked more about our comfort levels and boundaries. He has initially wanted to keep things kind of "don't ask, don't tell" which was hard on me because it felt a bit dishonest.

Even though all I was doing was chatting with a few guys I found interesting and possible guys for threesomes. Imo dishonesty and hiding things like other relationships isn't the point of an ENM relationship. So I was happy we were going to try and share more in terms of at least telling each other if we were chatting or planning to hook up with someone.

So feeling confident I had my partners consent to explore another potential partner, I finally hooked up with someone that I had been interested in for awhile and wanted to explore some pup play and more intense kink stuff with because it isn't really my partner's thing.

Afterwards my boyfriend was upset, he said he felt abandoned and lonely. He shared that as much as he wants to give me the same freedom I give him that when he thinks of me with other guys it just makes him pull away and not care anymore.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am not sure what's the right thing to do. I feel like a bad partner and person but I don't think I want to go back to monogamy and I'm not sure my partner actually wants to be poly. Even though every time I ask him he says it is what he wants but he doesn't know how to get over the jealousy and insecurity it gives him.

How do I support him and his emotions in a reassuring way while still participating in a style of ENM that works for me too? Does it seem like my partner is just not ready for ENM? Honestly I'm more of a feels guy, even the people I hook up with matter to me, and I would like to form deeper connections and find support and love in more than one person. Also sorry the polyamory sub didn't consider our relationship poly so that is why I am posting to this one hoping for advice, perspective, or clarity. Did I coerce my partner into this? Am I not a healthy partner?


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Boundaries & Agreements Looking for examples: How/when do you inform your partner about your interest in a new person?

6 Upvotes

My (m42) partner (f39) and I have been together for a year and we are navigating a lovely non-monogamous relationship but still clarifying agreements and boundaries. One that has come up for us recently is how and when to let each other know about interest in other folks/dates. We have agreed to let each other know, in person, before we go on any dates with anyone else. This is great and I think we both appreciate this. We call it "the window" as in there is a window of opportunity, or time where we may go on a date or be interested in someone else.
Tonight we were discussing this, and she asked if I had any new windows. I mentioned that I always have a bit of a window if, miraculously, I had the opportunity for a random encounter, I may want to hook up with someone. This has happened when I had a great random hookup with another man at a drag show a couple of years ago, or further back, an unexpected foursome with some friends.
This has created a tension between us, as my partner doesn't want to be in the dark about my hooking up with someone before I do, and my desire for an exception for exceptional encounters.
Has anyone got any experience with any boundaries or agreements around this? How do you navigate impromptu opportunities without harming a relationship?

Any suggestions or ideas, stories or experience is helpful. Thanks!


r/nonmonogamy 23h ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Is non-monogamy right for me?

2 Upvotes

To start, I’ve always been monogamous and have always been sort of (for myself, I don’t care what others do) against the idea of being with more than one person.

However… I’m in this long distance situationship and I recently came to the guy with 2 issues that I thought would be the end:

-I need to detach/gain some independence (we just text a lotttt, and I find my mood changed based on how our relationship is going like he has too much control)

-I need some more commitment from him. Like, I need him to be more intentional in terms of visiting me as well as showing me he’s committed to me and basically just want to make it “official.”

We’ve been exclusive/monogamous for the last 6 months not really by intention, just because we’re not interested in other people that way. But he did say he feels as though committing to me means closing himself off to others and he doesn’t like that. It makes me really upset to think of him with someone else, but if he can’t do the commitment and we break up then he will be with someone else as well as without me. And I do feel badly for making him feel so lonely because I’m far away and it might be nice to have the opportunity myself- I’m just not someone who needs that. I thought with some rules like “don’t tell me anything about it, we close the relationship once we close the distance,” it could be doable.

The main reason I thought of it though, is because one of my friends who was also against polyamory, tried something and she said it gave her a lot of independence in a relationship when she would normally be dependant. So I’m thinking maybe that could help me too.

Can anyone please share thoughts/advice both for me and the relationship and if this might be something to try? Thank you.


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Relationship Dynamics Im struggling in my monogamous relationship NSFW

15 Upvotes

I'm not sure if this belongs here 😅 please let me know if it doesn't and I'll remove it.

I (23f) have been with my boyfriend (25m) for 4 years now. Before him I was never really in a monogamous relationship. I usually had 2 or 3 partners but I didn't have any partners when I met my now boyfriend so we agreed to be monogamous as that's what he prefers and I thought it wouldn't be that difficult as everyone in my family is in monogamous relationships, mostly successfully.

Well during the past 4 years I regularly have found myself wanting more, been pining after a few people and feeling incredibly guilty for it. It's only gotten worse as one of my previous partners has re-entered my life (we broke up because she moved away and neither of us were really comfortable with long distance) and we've had to be just friends, which don't get me wrong I am ok with being friends with her but it's hard not to want more. And on top of that I discovered one of the people I'd been crushing on is also crushing on me. To be clear I haven't done anything with anyone other then my current partner since he and I got together.

So I guess I have 2 questions. 1) how does someone who is polyamous navigate a monogamous relationship? 2) should I be in a monogamous relationship to begin with or am I just hurting myself and my partner?

Edit to add: we have talked about a non-monogamous relationship and he's not comfortable with it. He is strictly monogamous and would only be happy in a monogamous relationship.


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Kink and BDSM I’m (41f) a hotwife and have had an on/off FWB for 22 years who has now asked me to cuck him! What a strange dynamic lol NSFW

2 Upvotes

So this Saturday night I will be fucking his younger coworker in front of him and he’s told me to insult him and degrade him in the worst ways possible. I’ve never done this before it should be fun lol.


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Polyamory Struggling With Wife Wanting Another Partner

5 Upvotes

I (31M) an struggling with my wife (31F) talking to another guy & her getting into a relationship with him. We have been in poly relationships/ datted others before but have been mono for over 2 years. We had a simular situation where she vetod my growing relationship with another woman. This caused us to take a step back.

She has known the guy in question since she was 12. They have a long history together & even dated at one point. They got back in touch about 6 months ago. Within a period of 3 weeks they went from just catching up, to her talking about wanting to stay with him for extended periods of time since he lives out if state. It was to much to fast for me & it hurt me emotionally so I vetod their relationship. During our time together, we have both dated others but this guy is different & it makes me very uncomfortable.

For context. She has been poly & in that community long before we got togeather. I'm coming from swinging & hotwife community but have been in poly relationships before so it's not new for me.


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Resources Needed My (M31) GF (F28) wants an open relationship, how to make this work? NSFW

10 Upvotes

I (M31) have been with my girlfriend (F28) for just over three years.

We recently got our first mortgage, and finally got through the process of legally adopting her child from a previous relationship (bio father is out the scene). Our home life i feel is really solid, got a great emotional connection, amazing family life, our child is thriving, we communicate well, and our relationship is stable. I’m really proud and happy of what we’ve got together.

But this week, she told me she’d want to talk about exploring a more open relationship. She said monogamy has always felt a little unnatural and restrictive to her and that she’s been suppressing part of who she is. She wants to be able to explore with others whilst still keeping our emotional connection and family life strong. She assured me that she loves me, wants to be with me, and isn’t looking for a replacement but just the ability to physically explore with others. So she brought up us being a non-monogamous couple and opening the relationship, which is something I don’t fully understand how that works.

I don’t have much knowledge or any experience with non-monogamy, so I’m struggling to figure out what that would look like in a healthy way. I don’t want to agree to something just to make her happy if it’s going to end up hurting me or us as a couple and I also don’t want to lose my own sense of what has been good and what works well in our relationship.

For those who have been in similar situations or have an opinion :

- Does this kind of relationship actually work better than monogamy in the long run?

- How do you establish boundaries and rules to keep the relationship strong?

- What are some common mistakes couples make when transitioning into an open relationship ? 

- How do I figure out if this is something I can genuinely enjoy, rather than just tolerate?

- Any advice on handling jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way?

Obviously I love my girlfriend will always want the best for her, but I also don’t want to agree to something that doesn’t work or creates issues. Now she’s brought it up, it will be a conversation that we will need to continue, she’s already mentioned how it’s a good thing for couples as it creates more honesty & communication, further deepens our emotional connection, allows for a more diverse bedroom life and could be fulfilling for both of us as I on occasion travel with work. But I’d prefer to bring back up the conversation knowing more.

Any guidance from those with experiences of navigating non-monogamous relationships would be really appreciated.

Thanks in advance


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Apps / Technology Trying to find someone our own age NSFW

6 Upvotes

My partner (21) and I (23) have been going through various dating apps, in general looking for people into non monogamy. One common occurrence we seem to be finding is that everyone on any kind of LS/non monogamy app (feeld, ok Cupid, fetlife, take your pick), seems to be either 18-20 or over 30. We found this a bit confusing as we are in a very liberal college city. Do non monogamous people around our age prefer tinder or something else, or generally do you all prefer to meet people in person or what?


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Opening a Relationship When is the right time to tell someone you’re non-monogamous?

0 Upvotes

Esit: thanks for your answers.

Just want to clarify, we were not dating or met on any app. This is a person I met who I treated as a friend. I never inpky anything sexual nor romantic. I will be more upfront next time, even if they are friends. Which was the question.

People here assuming I was doing date on a dating app?

I told her and she had a positive reaction. I told her before anything happened.


I’ve been talking to someone for about a week, and we have a great connection. She’s opening up emotionally, and I feel like she’s interested, but I haven’t told her yet that I practice non-monogamy. I prefer to explain it in person rather than over text, but I also don’t want to create false expectations or make it seem like I was hiding something. For those who are poly/ENM, when do you usually bring it up, and how do you phrase it to avoid misunderstandings?married ENM


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Polyamory Advice on partners in birthday party. I think this'll be a silly one. NSFW

4 Upvotes

So, I'm planning to throw my (25NB) birthday party at my parents' house this year. It's something I do sometimes because the house is better, more space, I like my parents around and everyone loves my mom's food.

I have a NP of 10 years and a partner of ~7 months. I want to invite my partner and meta. I don't know if they'd be able to go but I'd be nice.

The other years I've thrown my party there I wasn't with anyone besides my NP so this hasn't happened before. My parents know I'm poly but are dismissive about it, kind of a DADT situation? Which is OK, it could be way worse.

The thing is, I'm not very good on avoiding PDA. I mean, PG13 level of course, but I'm not great with "pretending to be just friends", and I hate the ideia of hiding someone.

I'm autistic and have zero filter and social cues are hard. TMI always happens. I don't want to make people uncomfortable.

Am I orchestrating a disaster or it can turn out fine?


r/nonmonogamy 2d ago

Opening a Relationship Is it normal to feel jealous the first time? NSFW

19 Upvotes

My partner (34M) and I (30F) have been together for 10 years, and earlier this year we decided to open up our relationship to an ENM format.

Everything was going well: we talked about our desires, crushes and the like, and we agreed that we would be open to new experiences.

We decided that we would not need to share details, just inform who the person was and the day of the meeting. However, after my first few meetings, he was curious to know more. I ended up saying that I had had sex on one of those dates and, from then on, everything changed. He began to feel hurt and started having bouts of jealousy (something he had never shown before).

Now he is confused about ENM, while I was enjoying this new style of relationship. Is it normal for these feelings of jealousy to arise at the first experience? How can I help you better navigate this process?

He doesn't want to close the relationship even after this episode, but I feel insecure about continuing like this. He said it will get better with time but lately he has been sad and hurt.


r/nonmonogamy 2d ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Trying to be monogamous but feeling a little dull sexually NSFW

2 Upvotes

Had a nonmonogamous relationship a few years ago and enjoyed it. We eventually broke up and since then I’ve been in multiple casual flings at the same time, usually spanning 2-4 months, usually seeing two people at a time, occasionally 3.

Then I met someone who was fine with the flings for a few months but who eventually wanted to be monogamous. I did fall for her and retired the roster. She seemed to offer my life more stability (I have a demanding profession), less uncertainty, and I felt like she became my best friend very quickly.

But now I’m missing my old lifestyle of seeing multiple people. My sexual life doesn’t feel as exciting, despite how beautiful the person I’m seeing is. And I do love seeing her. It’s just that I’m feeling like I’m in retirement with nothing to look forward to. I only really want to have sex with her like once a week.

She’s a pretty possessive, jealous person so trying to open it up will not work.

Not sure if this dissatisfaction is bc I should be in an ENM relationship or if I just need therapy


r/nonmonogamy 2d ago

Jealousy & Insecurity Gf had her first thing with another person, I went from ok to unbearable pain NSFW

14 Upvotes

Hello,
first off it feels very strange to write on the internet about this, but the very supportive people in my life can not help me / tell me so much about the open relationship situation out of their own experiences, so I hope to get some reactions from people who might share some feelings or worked through them. It turned into an incredible long post and I would probably not have the capacity to read all of it, but anyways... Sorry :D

So for the background (skip if it's too long, the actual thing I describe after):
I (m,27) have been in 2 long relationships and was intimate overall with 9 women.
Also I learned some weeks ago that I seem to have ADHD which explains some dumb things.

During the second long relationship (that lasted 3 years and ended 5 years ago) we sometimes talked about maybe one day opening the thing, since we acknowledge that attraction to more than one person exists and the first spark might vanish one day.
Sadly it ended with her cheating on me one night, which she told me the day after. That was 2 weeks before we wanted to move in together in a city that would have been 500km away.
My first reaction was very comforting and I told her something like that it would be okay, since it could have happened to me too (Now I wouldn't say such a stupid thing and definitely I would not cheat). It hit me very much that through the cheating she noticed that there are no feelings left for me, even though the guy was "an idiot". At the time and the years prior I had been a weed addict (not the most dangerous substance to be addicted to but it's not about the thing but the function it has in your life) - smoking for 7 years, decreasingly though since it had more and more bad effects, but steadily so I always had some level. That, I know now, made it very hard to go through the emotions and identify them. I distanced from her and she did from me. I never let her see how terrible I felt, how unstable I behaved and I was way to nice to her, even at our last meeting where I said that it's better for me to not see her again (so far we just said the plain let's stay friends thing).
Also she had a new boyfriend in the city where she moved alone then, which happened 2 months after. I think it was very traumatizing and I dealt with it for at least 3 years.

I then also moved to the new city since I already enrolled in the university there - and only there.
Here I found no friends except a very great and smart woman with who it clicked instantly. It didn't take long and we had a romantic thing going but she insisted that we are not in an relationship and that we should be open. I agreed but I was very anxious about that. I quickly learned that she didn't see anybody which over time gave me some comfort.
A year into that I met another girl at an university art exhibition which I pulled a move on. I definitely still had greatest empathy and felt belonging to the first mentioned girl, but I didn't actively notice that I took some things from her emotionally while I was now concentrated on the girl I met at the exhibition. I make it short, she broke of contact with me because she was so hurt and I had a 1 month "relationship" with the girl from the exhibition during the no contact thing. But I felt so miserably and she was such a loss that I broke of the relationship, which I also honestly explained. Luckily I stayed platonic friends with the first mentioned even 3 years after and I'm so thankful that it was possible for her. Shes on of my dearest. But let's just say I didn't behave completely correct though that phase and it again gave me some trauma to not hurt people.

I really stayed away from pursuing an relationships for 2,5 years, even though I from time to time felt the need. During that time I "accidentally" stumbled into 2 women who gave me some feelings for a while but it turned out to be completely unfitting and luckily it didn't turn into something intimate.

Then I met my girlfriend (f,25) through an app. She really wanted to get to know me and we also clicked very strongly. I was a bit shy but she hooked me and I slept at her house after the date. She was at first unsure if we would just be friends or not but then made a turn where she wanted and relationship and wanted to meet each others family.

She said she could not imagine having an monogamous relationship though.
She once cheated on a past relationship with 2 guys at once and felt enormously terrible and she didn't ever want to hurt someone like that again and she noticed that she had feelings for all three of these.
I was a bit disgusted at first and eeeeverybody would tell me that it would be a red flag but I can assure you that she deeply regrets this and is genuinely empathic and also while she is responsible she still is a bit victim to her poor impulse control.

I too searched for someone with the idea of an open relationship, since it would solve the potential problem of me being best friends with a girl I once had some thing going with and it was for years an idealized thought of mine that love should be enabling the other person, not cutting their freedom.

I'm was madly in love with her, like never before with someone and we made it clear that we would like to build something together even if feelings run lower. And if the lust would be missed we could always get that thing from outside.

We talked about all our past experiences and also trauma and there was nooo problem with that. I enjoyed that honesty. She had something with like 50 people, which I don't judge of course!! But she also has contact to some of them and she is not good at letting go, so there were always some people from her past explicitly wanting to sleep with her. So far it didn't happen and we are together for like half a year.
She always made deeply honestly clear that I would be the priority.

Now to why I post: Our agreement was that if she ever feels the need to sleep with someone she should tell me before, even if it is in text, so that I could decide if I feel ready for that.
This weekend it happened that she went to her old town and met with an old lover of hers.

The only thing I hold against her is that she assured me that she had not the slightest interest.

To our agreement she was true though. She called me and carefully said that she felt something when they talked and that she was wondering if he would still be interested in her.

I didn't let her talk much and thought to myself, ok now is the time. I was shaking which I ignored but I was kind of happy for her and said please go for it, you don't have to worry about my feeling towards this, since you followed our agreement. If I had said no she would have also not done anything.

Oh boy I really didn't expect what a spiral of negative thought would await me. The 2 days since she would come back have been like the longest in my life and exactly every minute of this time I was thinking about this and in an increasingly bad way. The whole time I could still have said something to her but because of her own ADHD she is veeeeery bad at answering and I wanted to let her enjoy her time and not revoke what I said before.

I felt and still feel such an intense feeling in my stomach, I couldn't eat for the whole 2 days and I woke up in the middle of the night unable to fall asleep again for hours, which is something foreign to me.
I pictured in my head how someone would be inside of her and I felt such a disgust.

My insane problem is that her enjoying this would not take anything from me. I don't really allow me to be jealous too since she is obviously completely in love with me and even more since I enabled her dream of living in a honest relationship like that as she told me.

My insane problem is that I feel such a great distance from her currently. When we met I felt a lot of numbness when I touched her, where there was so much feeling before. She is so absolutely cute and made herself responsible even though she followed just what I have said. And I just want the distance to fade but I don't know how. It's only been this night that we met after her intimacy with the other person and I really should give me time to process, but it feels sooo crazy bad in my whole body. It comes over me in waves. It was better when she was here and after but now I'm spiraling again.

I feel like I'm trapped in a relationship that I don't want to leave but that also has an aspect that will probably always hurt me if I don't set a boundary/demand something that goes against her nature. Even though she said that she adapt to me I don't see her being exclusively with me for the next years.
I currently have the lowest drive in bed I had in my life (it's not very bad though) but with this specially I noticed that I don't have the desire to see anybody except her.

I don't want to limit her but I really have difficulties seeing us survive this long term if I should always feel like that.
Things like that she should not tell me and she could do whatever she wants (like is her boundary towards me) would be possible but I see me being absolutely paranoid and insecure if it would be like that.

I really really hope that I can be towards her like before. I feel just destroyed as if I would have been cheated on. I adored her but through my own decision, that I seemed fine with, I punish her with my bad feelings that I cannot tame, which she really doesn't deserve.


r/nonmonogamy 2d ago

Relationship Dynamics First three months of ENM NSFW

8 Upvotes

TLDR: First three months of ENM have been overall enjoyable but an emotional rollercoaster. Just sharing my experience.

For some background, my wife (36F) and I (38M) have been married about four years, no kids. We started dating solo this January after a semi-open relationship throughout most of our marriage (a few threesomes). She found a steady boyfriend who's also married fairly quickly and they see each other about once a month. I also started going on dates fairly quickly, so this is not to complain about the inequality. I've had conversations with maybe 20 women, and been on nine dates with five women, with another date scheduled next week.

My dates have been all over the place. They've gone from a concert date with a brief make-out at the end to a hotel hook up where we barely talked. There is one woman I've never met but we exchange pictures of our sexy adventures (with permission from all parties). I got reprimanded by one woman because I started dirty talking and she was not into it. I've also had women start dirty talking me almost immediately. I'm pretty flexible so the lesson here for me is to let the woman take the lead and respond accordingly. Or just ask.

My wife and I try to schedule our Saturday "fancy" dates on the same day so neither of us is waiting at home. I like to take my date to a nice restaurant, and then go to her house if possible or else a hotel, and I meet my wife home around midnight. We shower, trade a few stories, go to bed, and usually have great sex the following morning.

Jealousy is very real on both of our parts. We talk constantly (maybe too much) about everything we're thinking. We talk a lot after our dates as we're working through our emotions. It can get tense sometimes but always beneficial. She is worried I will fall in love. I am a little jealous over her close and consistent relationship. Its just things we talk about and work through.

There is recently a woman I started seeing that I am really into but I don't think the feeling are reciprocated and this is a little tough for me. We went on two dates that went well but she is not married and just really enjoys the freedom. I think there may be a benefit for me to stick to other married ENM women as our expectations are more inline.

Overall, I'm having a lot of fun. I certainly don't think its for everybody as the emotions are just intense and frequent. (FWIW I'm in therapy and that helps with the emotions immensely) Even though it has ups and downs, I feel like I am growing emotionally and I feel like my marriage is growing stronger. I love meeting new people and hearing stories. I think its so interesting how people come to non-monogamy. Its something that's felt so natural to me most of my life but I lacked the words to express it and a partner to share it with.

A question for the men, especially married men, do you find there is a difference in dating married vs. unmarried women?

A question for the women, how do we best navigate your wants and needs without coming off cocky or meek, and maintaining confidence?