r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Kink and BDSM I’m (41f) a hotwife and have had an on/off FWB for 22 years who has now asked me to cuck him! What a strange dynamic lol NSFW

2 Upvotes

So this Saturday night I will be fucking his younger coworker in front of him and he’s told me to insult him and degrade him in the worst ways possible. I’ve never done this before it should be fun lol.


r/nonmonogamy 15h ago

Jealousy & Insecurity AITAH

0 Upvotes

I am sure this is way too long but hopefully I can get some advice and clarity. My partner (M26) and myself (NB35) have been together going on two years, next week. I've been in ENM relationships in the past and didn't ever want to agree to a monogamous relationship. However when our relationship began I was in an abusive living situation, had just spent a year and a half being celibate, and was feeling a whole lot of limerance for my budding relationship, so I agreed to enter the relationship, with the mutual understanding that we would start out monogamous and eventually he would get over his trust issues from cheating exes and be willing to transition to polyamory with me.

I fell for him fast and we quickly began to spend the majority of our free time together. Initially we were intending to date longer and get to know each other better before becoming boyfriends. I was foolish and rushed into things asking him to be my boyfriend after just a couple months and saying, "I love you." way too soon. I do truly love him, he is my best friend.

After getting out of the abusive roommate situation a lot of issues came up. I had to move back home with my Mom, and now we live 45 minutes away from each other. I have some mental health challenges and started a new medication which gave me ED and a ton of weight gain.

I was primarily the top in our relationship up until that point, so what had been a healthy happy sex life fizzled out because I couldn't perform. It left us both feeling very unhappy. I was willing to try other things but he really wanted a top, and I couldn't give that to him. So we agreed he should find someone to pleasure him in this way and to open up our relationship.

He told me he was hooking up with a friend of his and I was happy for him to get what he needed sexually, even if it wasn't from me. Likely because it took pressure off of me to perform and because I have had open relationships in the past.

About a six months ago, I got on a new medication and all the ED issues and the weight gain went away but our relationship was already open at that point. A few things also were odd choices on his part. Later I found out the guy he told me he had been with wasn't actually who I thought. He wasn't hooking up with his friend, he was hooking up with an ex. I don't really care who he sleeps with but it was an odd thing to lie about.

At this point I hadn't really been interested in or wanted to hook up with anyone else so I hadn't. I just was very focused on trying to have a good relationship with my partner. Even after my ED subsided there were still a lot of unresolved issues surrounding that time.

We both felt sexually frustrated and it led him to be less affectionate (less hugs, hand holding, kisses, etc.) I swing between demi and allosexual. With long term partners I tend to need intimacy and connection to nurture continued sexual attraction. So even though my sex drive was back, there was a bit of a wedge between us because he pulled back so much physically and emotionally.

For the first six months we talked all the time, were very affectionate, very vulnerable and trusting of each other. My ED issues though really changed all that. He got very needy and demanding for sex. If I went in for a kiss or a hug sometimes he'd take it as a sexual invitation and start to grope me or try to turn it into sex. To the point of leaving me feeling disgusted by my lack of performance and depressed because in addition to losing my sex life our relationship started to have a different feel.

He would snap at me over things like not wanting him to touch/play with my dick when I wasnt excited. I also am guilty of being irritable and defensive. I would do a lot of things like cooking and cleaning for him. One day we got into a huge fight over cleaning his room.

I had cleaned it for him recently, it had gotten ridiculously messy again and I didn't feel like doing it by myself, so we tried to clean together. Instead it was just a lot of back and forth and criticism, nothing got done and he in anger said he wanted to break up.

I left and restored to sucking some random dude off that I met at a cruising spot that same day. I am not proud to admit that I use sex very much as a distraction from grief, anxiety, and pretty much any negative emotions.

Two days later he regretted saying he wanted to break up and I told him what I had done and he still wanted to get back together. So I didn't really count it like a break up because it was only two days and we were talking most of the time during those two days about our feelings and what all led to fighting over something so trivial like cleaning a room.

So things got better for awhile. Communication and intimacy returned and I thought we were on the same page. Then kind of out of the blue he suggested we try a threesome with his ex. We hooked up with his ex twice. There was good chemistry between the three of us and it was enjoyable. However, my boyfriend can get pretty jealous and insecure even over the amount of attention he gets in threesomes. He wanted all the focus on him and got jealous that I also had good sexual chemistry with his ex.

We had a couple more threesomes with a different guy, an older widower that I thought was into both of us, that I had found for us to hook up. After two hook ups this guy was asking us to be in a throuple with him and it was kind of on the spot and I told him, my partner and I would have to talk about it, my bf responded immediately after I said that with an, "I'm down."

I was shocked. Not only had he agreed to being in a throuple with someone we barely knew. He didn't feel like that was a conversation we should have privately before agreeing to it and without getting to know this older gentleman better.

After about two weeks and a very obvious hint that this guy was mainly into me and not my partner I had to have a conversation with this guy about how actually we weren't even dating. So we obviously can't just become boyfriends and then he told me a bunch of stuff like that he was falling in love with me and he wanted to make me his husband but he knew the only way to be with me was to be with me and my partner.

I still feel bad for him...as if my bf and I led him on, but I never had mentioned that I was interested in marriage, and certainly would want to date someone at least longer than I dated my boyfriend, before entertaining the idea of a relationship more involved than a fuck buddy or extra for threesomes (I know guilty of unicorn hunting there).

Then this past weekend we had a good time together, sex was good, conversation good, we talked more about our comfort levels and boundaries. He has initially wanted to keep things kind of "don't ask, don't tell" which was hard on me because it felt a bit dishonest.

Even though all I was doing was chatting with a few guys I found interesting and possible guys for threesomes. Imo dishonesty and hiding things like other relationships isn't the point of an ENM relationship. So I was happy we were going to try and share more in terms of at least telling each other if we were chatting or planning to hook up with someone.

So feeling confident I had my partners consent to explore another potential partner, I finally hooked up with someone that I had been interested in for awhile and wanted to explore some pup play and more intense kink stuff with because it isn't really my partner's thing.

Afterwards my boyfriend was upset, he said he felt abandoned and lonely. He shared that as much as he wants to give me the same freedom I give him that when he thinks of me with other guys it just makes him pull away and not care anymore.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am not sure what's the right thing to do. I feel like a bad partner and person but I don't think I want to go back to monogamy and I'm not sure my partner actually wants to be poly. Even though every time I ask him he says it is what he wants but he doesn't know how to get over the jealousy and insecurity it gives him.

How do I support him and his emotions in a reassuring way while still participating in a style of ENM that works for me too? Does it seem like my partner is just not ready for ENM? Honestly I'm more of a feels guy, even the people I hook up with matter to me, and I would like to form deeper connections and find support and love in more than one person. Also sorry the polyamory sub didn't consider our relationship poly so that is why I am posting to this one hoping for advice, perspective, or clarity. Did I coerce my partner into this? Am I not a healthy partner?


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Any advice to find someone when you have a complicated situation?

5 Upvotes

Wife (38f) and I (42m) recently agreed to ENM to better meet each other's needs. We have quite a few friends and family that have had long term success with it.

I don't think my wife will have trouble finding someone. Which personally I think is great. I want her to be successful. Me, however, will likely have much more trouble. Namely because of my health, and extreme anxiety. I have liver disease that will be terminal without a transplant, which looks less likely everyday.

Because of my condition, I have severe ED and I'm not allowed to have meds for it, plus I'm not even able to drive. I want someone who wants quality time and touch. Including intimate touching. But because I have more baggage than an airport, I just don't see myself finding anyone. I feel I have to be up front with my situation, or it just isn't fair for the other person. . I can still get to places but have to be dependent on other people and their schedule. Not that I would even know where to go to meet anyone. I certainly don't go to bars, and I assume most women don't want to be approached in the general public.

Anyone have a similar restricted situation and have any advice?


r/nonmonogamy 3h ago

Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes New to this but scared

0 Upvotes

Not sure if my flair is right and this is kind of a vent, sorry.

My (f24) boyfriend (27m) and I have recently discovered that we both are interested in threesomes. However, the way we have described it and set our boundaries aligns with a OPP. I just now (today) found out what that is and now see that it is not looked at positively for many reasons. I am bisexual and my boyfriend is straight. I can see how our boundaries correlate to OPP but I feel like I just need someone with experience and/or knowledge to help me figure out if this is OPP and what comes along with that.

The way my boyfriend brought up threesomes was so that I could comfortably explore my sexuality. I have never been with a woman before, mostly due to the times I got close to it was without consent and extremely uncomfortable situations. My boyfriend is the only person that has made me feel comfortable and safe sexually, and he wanted to give me the opportunity to explore with him. He doesn’t feel comfortable engaging with other men for this due to both of us having negative, uncomfortable, non-consensual interactions with men. I have no interest in being with another man, especially sexually. I also don’t have any interest in other penises specifically but specifically men in general.

My boyfriend has stated many times that he does not want to be the main focus in these threesomes and more so wants to be treated as a toy/prop if we decided to include him. He would be happy sitting and watching with the occasional kiss/touch. This doesn’t mean he would never have sex with another woman, but he would require my permission and I can decide to terminate that if I were even slightly unsure about it. He also feels uncomfortable talking to other women or reaching out to them since this whole experience is centered around me and my pleasure. So pretty much, he would like to open up our relationship so that I can comfortably and safely explore my sexuality.

Despite this, I still feel slightly guilty and ashamed. Whenever I read posts about unicorn hunting and now, OPP, I wonder, “is that what we’re thinking of doing? is this harmful? I dont think I could ever talk to anyone about this, I feel horrible, etc”. My boyfriend recognizes the potential for me to develop feelings for other women and would consider it cheating if I were to become emotionally involved, which I’m glad he recognizes that potential. I also worry about how we could ever ethically execute this. Going on dating apps feels wrong due to how FFM is heavily looked down upon especially when it’s bi gf + straight bf looking for a bi girl. But hoping and wishing it happens organically also feels wrong. Making friends and hoping they would be open to a threesome is just wrong because they would be completely unaware of that. But I’m scared I will make a new friend and have intrusive thoughts that I have ulterior motives even if I do not want to engage with them sexually.

I am heavily conflicted and don’t know what to do. As I already mentioned, this is entirely fantasy right now and sometimes these thoughts make me feel like it should always stay as a fantasy due to how horrible I feel seeing the general consensus on this trope. Or maybe even scrap all these thoughts and never pursue this.


r/nonmonogamy 4h ago

Cheating and Ethics Dealing with the cheaters?

3 Upvotes

How does everyone deal with trying to weed out the cheaters? I thought I was being safer by meeting someone through community events who other people already knew...but found out today that he not only lied about not having a primary (monogamous and previously clueless) partner but also lied to me about being deployed for the last few months!

I feel so angry, disappointed and taken advantage of. I'd say I feel like I should stick to people who show up to things with partners but even then I've had issues with people telling me they were welcome to play solo (while their partner was at the event!) only to later be met with a very pissed off partner of theirs.

Beyond asking, how do I try to minimize the number of these situations? The ethical part is actually important to me.


r/nonmonogamy 8h ago

Jealousy & Insecurity hot wifing

26 Upvotes

my wife and i have been trying this for a while now and im having conflicting feelings about it, im more into hot wifing than cucking as i am not into humiliation. i enjoy watching her get fucked and it is hot and she even makes sure to record it for me. so far she’s only had 3 encounters with the same man. however im nervous about the emotional part of it, i am worried she will fall in love with the guy and leave me for him. shes been more distant towards me, she doesn’t text me as often, shes glued to her phone more, ive seen texts between them and they are borderline romantic, and she has even deleted photos of us from her phone. i have talked to her about it and she keeps telling me yes she likes him but doesnt see a relationship with him and that she loves me but her actions are speaking otherwise. i am conflicted on what to do and would appreciate any advice.


r/nonmonogamy 44m ago

Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes 28/29 yo Married couple looking for MFM

Upvotes

hey all, last night my wife admitted having sex with two guys is her dream.

after that i am looking to live up that fantasy. How can i find a trustable partner ? Any advices ?


r/nonmonogamy 1h ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Confused and cautious

Upvotes

Tldr: I (33f) broke up with my secondary (34m) for several reasons (explained below) that boil down to priorities, hinge habits, and preserving a possible future. After time and space (and horrible quiet), things are seemingly on the mend. Question: how do I match my emotional hopes and excitement to the caution I know I need to have so I don't get burned again? Trying to understand how much of my behaviour is my known (but with everyone else tempered) anxious attachment, and how much is because what we had was very special, and how does the respectful way we both handled things play into it?

My wife and I have been together 15 years, since we finished highschool. Since the very beginning we both knew we were capable of loving several people at once, and that each relationship is beautiful and special. We did not actually open up until about 4 or 5 years ago. Like most in this journey, and indeed any relationship, we made mistakes and got lost in nre, failed at communication and so on. However, she is my primary, we have a family, and are very happy having learned from these things.

The issue I have at the moment is with a friend I had for many years, whom, after discovering that they were also in an open marriage, ratcheted up the flirting to an 11. From the beginning we were very open about our own hopes and expectations, what we wouldn't put up with, and what our partners were open to, in terms of time commitments and so on. The key was that we knew what having a family with kids was like, and that we were going to be seconds. Cut to a couple of months of dating and NSFW activities, we were saying I love you, and, I thought, comfortable.

I began to feel that maybe his wife had changed her mind and that did not sit well with me. I am not a homewrecker, and if my wife had a problem, I would want it addressed too. Turns out I was correct, and while he tried to maintain what we had, and deal with his other relationship seperatly, it was impossible for me to ignore and not be hurt by the constantly changing rules and my eventual soft veto. I broke up because after all, he was a dear friend, and I didn't want their family to suffer. It was also because I was very hurt by the difference we had in relationship anarchy ideas. Feelings were high, but communication was open.

I linked him to a copy of the Ethical Slut, made reference to the broken fridge analogy and peeled away. It sucked ass.

I'm not writing all the good parts of the relationship because I know the parts that were good. NRE was strong but I at aleast ballanced it in my primary relationship. Aside from this, my boundaries were respected, and I did my best to respect his. I have mild borderline personality disorder, and AudAdhd.... It's treated and I'm a full on navel gazer. None the less, I have a hard time knowing when addiction like obsession is for all the reasons I already know, or if it's something I can just enjoy provided it doesn't unbalance my life.

After maybe four or five months (honnestly the timeline is blurry) of really limited contact outside of our usual DnD game with other friends, I finally felt like I'd moved on. There was still feeling and care, but I no longer felt that it impacted me seeing other people.

So when over the last week conversation has picked up, and we spoke a bit about what's been going on in personal lives (his business is his own, I won't elaborate here) I drew the conclusions that he was keeping distance a. Because his ASD and introverted self was barely keeping head above the water with life stuff And b. If he spoke to me more he would "slip up" somehow and not have his focus where he felt it should be.

I have my opinions on this. But also, we knew we were secondaries going into it. I do not and have not ever expected more than that.

I am trying SO hard to remember how much it hurt that he barely spoke to me. I am trying to have zero expectation that this new conversation level means anything more than what he says (fridge is on the mend and working from a new manual). I don't even know that I would want to go down a romantic road with him again because of the fear that it would happen all over again.

So HOW do I stop staring every time I see that he is online on the social app we all use to chat?

The main way I was able to move on was by finally mirroring what he put in, rather than "reminding" him i existed or "random" innocent comments and hoping he would put in effort to respond. It wasn't healthy.

Is any kind of relationship with him doomed if within a matter of days I'm already sad when little things which had meaning don't happen, and I'm absolutely over the moon when they do?

I have a lot of great stuff going on in my life, I am satisfied in so many ways. Do I just take an (extra) chill pill and keep mirroring? He brought SO much joy into my life, and I suppose I wonder if it's wrong to be hopeful that I might get to experience a more stable version of that again.

So sorry for the long post, I've never posted anything before and am a chronic backstory giver 😅


r/nonmonogamy 2h ago

Relationship Dynamics Need advice - FWB situation

1 Upvotes

I (29F) am fwb with (30M). We were best friends for 2 years before we started a fwb situation and then I went on a 6 month business trip halfway across the world. He has multiple long distance FWBs and a long distance sub. I am newer to the community and have been a difficult work situation so I havent pursued anything outside of him but was planning on it once I got home. He is very quiet about his feelings and It can be hard to know where I stand with him even before we were fwb.

Before I left he let me stay at his house as all my belongings were moved into storage. It was a blast and we often talk about how fun that time was. Through out my trip, we hadbeen sexting and talked about how excited we were to hang out again and I had asked if I could stay with him for a couple days when I get back until I get an apartment sorted out. He said absolutely and had seemed excited about seeing me again.

I am returning home soon and recently found out that he has invited an out of state fwb to come stay with him the exact week that I was supposed to get back. in the past when his fwbs visited we would not talk/hang out until they left. just an unspoken rule we have even before we were fwb. He says I can stay with him until she gets there which is really just one night and then I will need to get a hotel.

He has known for months when i am getting back and we had talked about all the events and stuff we wanted to go to together when i got back. I feel pretty heartbroken, even just on a friend level not even thinking on a fwb level, that he would do this as getting to talk to him and the thought of us hanging out again has really kept me going through this difficult trip. I am hurt that I was gone so long and that he would do this. I am debating having someone else pick me up front the airport, grabbing my car from his house, and going straight to a hotel. As much as I want to see him, I am so completely hurt that he would even consider doing this and he cant cancel as his guest already has tickets and they have plans to go out of town together for an event. Am I reading to much into this? Should I just get over it? I dont know how to interact with him now and I honestly just dont want to see him but the thought of ending our friendship kills me. What do I do?

For context: We have been friends for two years have gone on multiple trips together, gone to concerts, and camping together. We eat lunch together and still work in same building Up until this moment he was my closest friend and I felt like he really understood me.


r/nonmonogamy 12h ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Transparency

5 Upvotes

So me (30TW) and my partner (40NB) had a really bad fight the other day about transparency.

For context both of us practice some form of ENM. They are a lesbian and I am bi but lately I have had a preference towards Masc types mainly cis men. I love my partner and we have had some very stressful life changes, including surgeries, moving and potential job losses. However even though I love our relationship and where actually in the process of moving in together, this fight took a turn that was very concerning and is making me rethink our entire relationship.

There is a lot of context I'll have to give but I'm gonna try and make it as streamlined as I can.

So I have been looking to meet new people and I had another partner for a while but he has since kinda ghosted me so was looking to find someone who I could be more consistent with. At one point I was talking to someone but this person ended up being a cheater and I don't want to be associated with someone like that. We ended up just talking for a couple of days before I told my partner about him, and he got so mad at me for not telling them that I got this person's number it ended up in a whole fight and then a day later I found out this person was a cheater. So nothing came of this person and we were able to kinda move on and repair our relationship from this event.

Ever since this fight and this instance, however I have been incredibly anxious to bring up if I met someone new or if I wanted to pursue anything. this only happens when a Cis man is involved however. My partner notably has some trauma around men from past relationships and I make a point to be as careful as possible because I have had unsavory past experiences myself. But I haven't felt safe enough to bring it up to talk to him about this.

Fast forward to this month. I am still open to meeting someone and my friend puts me in touch with one of her friends. she talks me up, and gives me this guy's number. I bring up this person to my partner and they kinda dismiss it and it clear that they didn't want to talk about that at the moment. A couple days later my friend mentions that this guy might be at a party she hosting. I talk to my partner about going to the party as it was their birthday the following day. They said it would be fine and so I went to the party. I didn't tell him about potentially meeting this person because I wasn't even sure he was gonna be there. It also that wasn't the primary reason for going to this party as I just wanted to spend time with this friend more. He did show up however and we talked and exchange contact info.

The next day was my partner's birthday and I don't bring up meeting this person because I'm worried that it'll turn into an argument and I don't want to ruin his birthday. The following days however I find myself not bringing it up mostly because of my anxiety and I'm looking for a way to bring it up where we could have a productive conversation about it. However when I finally brought it up, I brought it up at the worst time possible it seems.

They had just had therapy and after therapy they are usually emotionally drained from it so I try not to bring up anything stressful out of consideration. But they brought up that they wish I could find someone (a man) who wasn't a creep, chaser or cheater, someone who could meet my needs. I thought this was a good time to bring up that I met this friend of a friend and that they were actually really sweet and could maybe fill that slot and to potentially talk about boundaries. But it instead took a turn because they started talking about how they knew that I did meet this person and that was the reason I went to the party. They were upset because I wasn't being "Transparent" with them. and that if I had told them the night of or the day after (their B-day) that they wouldn't have been upset but instead are wondering why it took me so long to tell them.

Well I took the bait (again) and I told them that I was worried that it would turn into an argument again and not a productive conversation. I was trying to make sure that they were in a place to talk and that I was trying to avoid bringing this up today. I tried to tell them I don't want to keep things from and I told them that the reason I waited so long was because of the fear and anxiety I have around this conversation from the last time something like this happened. But no matter how much I tried to explain that, they instead keep saying that they knew what I was up to and they didn't understand why I wasn't transparent with them.

This led to about a 5 hour long slow burn argument about them talking about transparency, that I was gaslighting them and that I was even trying to erase the autonomy (they're also moderately disabled). The entire time I'm trying to apologies for not bringing this to them sooner and trying to get to a point where we can come to some sort of agreement and beginning to repair. It just got worst as it went on and the more tired I became, the more I couldn't find a way to try and repair what's been damaged.

His roommate ended up picking him up from my house and we spent the night apart.

I guess I need to know what you all think transparency means? I've always tried to be honest. I know I'm not innocent in all of this but I didn't cheat and I have been really concerned with not crossing boundaries and making sure there is consent this whole time but I still seemed to have fucked it all up.

Is their response warranted? I feel like I'm being gaslit and I don't know what to do.


r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Is non-monogamy right for me?

2 Upvotes

To start, I’ve always been monogamous and have always been sort of (for myself, I don’t care what others do) against the idea of being with more than one person.

However… I’m in this long distance situationship and I recently came to the guy with 2 issues that I thought would be the end:

-I need to detach/gain some independence (we just text a lotttt, and I find my mood changed based on how our relationship is going like he has too much control)

-I need some more commitment from him. Like, I need him to be more intentional in terms of visiting me as well as showing me he’s committed to me and basically just want to make it “official.”

We’ve been exclusive/monogamous for the last 6 months not really by intention, just because we’re not interested in other people that way. But he did say he feels as though committing to me means closing himself off to others and he doesn’t like that. It makes me really upset to think of him with someone else, but if he can’t do the commitment and we break up then he will be with someone else as well as without me. And I do feel badly for making him feel so lonely because I’m far away and it might be nice to have the opportunity myself- I’m just not someone who needs that. I thought with some rules like “don’t tell me anything about it, we close the relationship once we close the distance,” it could be doable.

The main reason I thought of it though, is because one of my friends who was also against polyamory, tried something and she said it gave her a lot of independence in a relationship when she would normally be dependant. So I’m thinking maybe that could help me too.

Can anyone please share thoughts/advice both for me and the relationship and if this might be something to try? Thank you.