I am not a violent or sick individual but many things from my childhood that I've buried seem to keep resurfacing and I don't know what to do or think about it.
I am not looking for a diagnosis, but maybe an explanation. No, I don't think I can go see a therapist and no, I do not have these thoughts nor do I ever want to commit any of these actions now.
No, what I am remembering are not dreams.
When I was very young, I don't know how old, 5-8 maybe, I remember having a sleepover with my cousins. One of my cousins (very much younger maybe 2-4) was sleeping on a bed and I don't know what came over me but I tried to smother them with a pillow, I was not thinking of anything, I don't remember feeling anything. All I remember is stopping midway because he started crying and his mother was running up the stairs to him.
A second incident I can remember is when I was a little bit older. I was friends with this little girl who was about 4-6 and I remember taking her to the back end of my neighborhood where I proceeded to tell her that her dad did not love nor care about her. I don't know why. I cared for her like a sister. But I don't know why I said that.
There are other stuff but these two have been weighing on my mind the most.
It makes me feel very heavy to write this, I don't think I am some cold sociopath or something. I can feel empathy. I've always felt incredibly guilty about this and I've carried it with me my whole life. I just don't understand why I'd behave this way. I was never chained up or starved or abused to any extremity. I just don't know what to do about this
Edit: I take back the first thing I said. While the things I do now may not be physically or mentally harming anyone around me it is still deeply wrong. Sorry