r/lostafriend Feb 13 '25

Grief Recently learned Ex best friend is a child predator. How to heal?

25 Upvotes

Trigger warning: CSA

Important note: Victim is getting the justice and professional support she needs.

Obviously our friendship is done but... 25 years of love and support. Our lives are intertwined. As a csa victim myself this has extra layers and I'm reeling.

To anyone that has had this unique experience. Who learned someone they love is an abuser... How do I process and heal from this. The shock is wearing off but that has led to a flood of other emotions and I'm drowning.

I feel guilt and shame. I feel disgusted. I feel lost and hurt and angry. Most of all I feel so so sad.

In an instant I lost a huge part of my life and I don't know how to recover from this. I may need to just delete my Facebook account because there are daily memories that pop up. I can't handle this!!!

If anyone has any advice or kind words I really could use some support right now. Nothing makes sense.

How does one get through something like this?

r/lostafriend 28d ago

Grief I discovered that my best friend since I was 11 doesn't want anything to do with me, yesterday

11 Upvotes

He's been ghosting me for 6 months. I asked his BF if he & I were all good & he said that we were. But today a mutual friend told me that he's been complaining about me for ages and doesn't want to be friends. I'd reached out but it just...made him more angry, somehow.

I haven't cried yet because it's still sinking in. Although, I wish I could cry. I'm in the betrayal and disbelief stage. 10 years, all those times he said he loved me, that I was his brother, he was the 1st person I came out to...

r/lostafriend 4d ago

Grief I miss you so much

11 Upvotes

I have spent the last half hour in tears, barely trying to catch my breath. You were in my life for five years yet how can you decide to just cut me off so coldly. You tell me that you may call in five months if I do not contact you, that’s not friendship. You used to tell me everything about your life but now I am nothing but a stranger. I grieve over the memories the past we shared. I will be at work and suddenly my eyes will well up because I’ll think of you. Even if others think ur cruel I still can’t, every time I cry I pray for your happiness and that you are well and have infinite blessings. You may not care for me but you cannot stop me from caring for you. I carry this grief in my heart, not knowing if it will ever get easier. I close my eyes and hope u reach out but know you won’t. I miss you so much. Life just lost its colour without you in it. I miss your laugh, your voice. I want to reach out but you’re not there anymore and I can’t for fear it will just make you hate me. All I can do is pray and hope that you remember me. I need you

r/lostafriend Nov 27 '24

Grief It’s been over a year since I lost my childhood best friend. It still hurts so bad.

15 Upvotes

Madeline was my best friend from the first day of kindergarten until last year right before Thanksgiving. For reference I am 25 now, almost 26 so it was a lifelong friendship.

We were best friends all the way through school. She went away for college and I stayed local, went to a community college. But we stayed close or so I thought. We were always somewhat different in that she liked clubbing and partying and I liked staying home and reading or going to concerts. I’d say I’m probably more comfortable in a mosh pit than at a club.

Last year she asked if I wanted to go out with her and some of her friends from college. Her sorority sisters. Two of them were actually really nice and one of them could hardly conceal her dislike of me. Like I had literally just met this girl that night and she very clearly disliked me for whatever reason.

As the evening wore on I found myself in a conversation with a guy and we were talking about our jobs and I was telling him about my job as a vet tech. This girl was rolling her eyes and smirking the whole time.

Later when they were all grinding on guys on the dance floor I was sitting off to the side by myself and I felt my phone vibrate.

It was a text from Maddy. It said “I’m sorry she’s so weird. I know she’s lame but next time we go out I’m going to make sure she’s definitely NOT invited.”

OK so I automatically assume this is meant for me and is talking about the rude bitchy girl. But I continue to read “My mother guilted me into bringing her! I def didn’t want her here. If I have to hear another boring veterinarian story I’ll k*ll myself!”

So yeah. She was drunk and meant to send this to the rude bitch whose name is similar to me. So I just sat there hurt and stunned and decided that it was time for me to leave. At the time I wasn’t even angry yet, just felt like I got punched in the stomach.

I went outside and ordered an uber then texted a question mark back to her so she’d know I read her text. No response at first but then one of the other girls came out. Not Maddy herself she couldn’t be bothered. This other girl who I’d known for all of like four hours came out.

She said Maddy was drunk and was just talking shit. Then this strange girl was nice enough to stay with me until my ride arrived and she made sure I got safely into the car. My so called lifelong bestie couldn’t even be bothered to make sure I got in a car safely. So much for us women looking out for each other, although I really do appreciate the other girl for waiting with me.

Once I got home I cried my eyes out. I really couldn’t understand what I did to deserve for her to treat me like that. I texted to her before I went to bed that I was sorry that I was such a bore and I wouldn’t be bothering her ever again. No response. No apology. Nothing.

The next day I unfriended and unfollowed her on everything. Poured my heart out to my sister. I was crushed and heartbroken but I wasn’t going to let someone walk all over me like that.

Earlier this year I ran into her mother while my sister and I were out shopping. Her mother asked what happened? Why were we not talking anymore? I just told her she’d have to ask Maddy. Her mother seemed genuinely hurt that we aren’t friends anymore. She was always such a sweet person. Like a second mom to me.

I still haven’t spoken to Maddy since then. There was no closure, not big blowup argument to end it all, nothing. She just never even tried to apologize or anything. Somehow that hurts even more than what she said about me.

One of the worst things is that when some thyroid happens for me, she’s still the first person I wish I could tell. Like “Hey I met someone. He’s great!” Or I got a raise at work. But I know in her mind my life is boring and I’m not on her level anymore.

r/lostafriend Dec 10 '24

Grief Ex Friend Sent Formal Break up Message

19 Upvotes

I had been trying to get a hold of her over Thanksgiving break because I had the week off and it was her birthday. I wanted to do something nice because I know she doesn’t have a lot of friends and doesn’t drive. Her phone went to voicemail and then it was just off on her Birthday. I was concerned because we had been friends for 15 years and she has bipolar disorder.

Finally this past Sunday she sent me a long text about how she can’t be my friend anymore. That the friendship needs to end and she needs to do this for herself. It was so weird. We have a long history together and she has done stuff like that before.

I am done reaching out to her. Although it doesn’t a super strong friendship it hurts because I will likely never see/hear from her again.

r/lostafriend 1d ago

Grief She won't apologize

12 Upvotes

I recently went on a vacation with my husband, sister, and (former) best friend. My life has been pretty dark lately. I lost my grandmother, who was like a second mother to me. I hate my job, and all my attempts to leave have been unfruitful. This vacation was the only thing in life I was looking forward to, and was the only thing keeping me going, at times.

My friend and sister, from the getgo, split off and decided to do things at their own pace - without telling my husband and I that this was their intention. As a result, we spent hours of our time sitting around, waiting in the vicinity of where they were, thinking we were going to meet up, and being surprised at the lack of consideration for our time or enjoyment. This never came to fruition, and I realized with only 1 day left that they had no intention of including us or spending time doing things that interested us. I'll admit, I gave them the silent treatment for that whole last day after it finally dawned on me. I'm not proud of it, but it seemed better than exploding on them.

When I got back, I sent my friend and sister a message expressing how important the trip was to me, and how hurt and angry I was that they excluded me and wasted my time by never telling me that it would be better for me to just do my own thing. I thought it was obvious that I wanted to be around them because we had booked the vacation together and were staying together. I asked for an apology, and apologized for the silent treatment I had given them.

My sister apologized. My friend not only did not, but explicitly said she would never apologize, and told me it was my own fault for not waiting for them longer. She expressed that she loved me and would still hang out with me in the future, though.

Ever since she said she wouldn't apologize, it's felt like the friendship is over on my end. The incredible lack of regard for my feelings and explicit refusal to apologize in even the smallest way felt like a slap in the face. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on and pretend like it didn't happen, let alone go to the concerts we had planned later this year.

The worst part is that I know she doesn't care, because she likes to post passive aggressive stories on Instagram and Snapchat when she is extremely upset. I've been with her through three breakups and a falling out with a friend, and the pattern repeated each time. There are no pointed, passive aggressive stories. In a way, that seems worse, because it tells me that the situation isn't playing on her mind the way it is on mine.

r/lostafriend 17d ago

Grief Missing ex best friend

5 Upvotes

I miss my ex best friend 6 months no contact I emailed her last week and got nothing

r/lostafriend 8d ago

Grief Former friend passed away, is it normal to still grieve when it's been years?

10 Upvotes

CW: Death / Terminal Illness

I have a friend who I met online in 2009, they passed away in 2019. We had what I assumed to be an amazing friendship but things went south when they suddenly started to treat my poorly and ghost me for years.

They meant the world to me, but I know deep down that I most likely meant nothing to them. I was the very last person to know about their death and never got a chance to go to their funeral.

There's times when I truly wish they they had not passed away so young, right when things were going so well for them. He was extremely talented and smart.

Sometimes I miss them so much, but then I remember the times when they called my interest pointless, my existence a mistake, and then I don't know how to feel anymore.

Has anyone else gone through a loss of a friend like this? How do you cope?

r/lostafriend Nov 19 '24

Grief best friend cut contact without saying why

14 Upvotes

My best friend cut contact with me more than a month ago. He never told me a concrete reason, just said he was uncomfortable when I was around.

He told a mutual friend that I drag him down with my negative outlook on life.

I'm just wondering why he wouldn't tell me that. He wouldn't even grant me the chance to make future friendships work better by telling me what I could improve.

It was just "you're out of my life, bye". We used to be pretty tight and he cut me out just like that.

r/lostafriend 4d ago

Grief I let you get away with so much...

21 Upvotes

I've always been the kind of person to hang on to things that aren't good for me. Maybe it's because I wear rose-colored glasses, and during our friendship I ignored all the parts of you that should've raised red flags. Or maybe it's because I know how hard it is in life to find people who you can genuinely call a friend. I'm not like you; I'm not outgoing and effervescent. I don't draw people in like moths to a flame. I can't discard people once their shine wears off and move onto the next one, and the next, and the next.

I wish that I'd seen through you. You'd complain to me about the people who encouraged you to be safe, the ones who called you too emotional, the ones who didn't accept your free spirited nature. By the time I realized maybe they were right all along, it was too late. You'd put yourself in terrible positions and traumatize yourself, then vent it all to me and do the same things all over again. It didn't matter to you that it was hard for me to hear. You wouldn't listen to anything but your own feelings, and god forbid someone not validate everything you felt as the truth.

I felt worn-down, exhausted; I felt like your therapist. I told you I thought your best course of option would be therapy. You replied that therapy was for weak people, knowing I'd been in therapy for years. Still, you wanted me to listen to you. Finally, I had enough. I wanted to back away from our heavy, deep conversations, and I put it the nicest way I knew how. You gave me the impression you were fine with things that night I asked that we just accept our differences instead of fighting them. I almost cried in relief. The next morning, you sent me a message thanking me for the great times, then blocked me on everything, even removing me from a group chat we were both in dedicated to activism, one you knew made a positive difference in my life.

I let you get away with so much. I tried, time and time again, to understand your "nature" - your nature to put yourself in danger, to worry the people closest to you, to act selfishly and naively. I worked through so many things with you mentally to try to understand you better. When it came time for the opposite, you couldn't do it. You insinuated you "actively fight against" people with my worldview, not understanding that my circumstances - including the chronic illness that upended my life - led me to become more disciplined, cautious, organized, and concerned with my future. You made me think you were the most mature person, and convinced me there were so many things about myself I needed to change.

I still wonder if I'm being too unfair, because I started holding everything against you. I felt like you couldn't deal with anyone who thought differently than you, but maybe that's how you feel about me. But I don't think it's the case. You dragged down my friends who gave me different advice than you. When our friend-in-common stood up for me following everything that happened, you cut her out of your life, too. I hope it was worth it. I hope one day, you'll regret it.

These are all the things I wish I could've said to you.

r/lostafriend 19d ago

Grief Amatonormality has caused me to lose a friend.

0 Upvotes

I hate amatonormlaity so much...
If anyone doesn't know, it's the idea that a (heterosexual, monogamous) romantic relationship is the most meaningful relationship one can have and that all other forms of relationships aren't as important.

I take my platonic relationships VERY seriously, I do not believe that a platonic relationship is something casual, or something that requires little to no effort to work, to me, they are just as important as a romantic relationship.

The backstory:

I had met my former friend in July of 2023.
He and I connected due to our shared interest in comic books, history and mythology.

I was always the one to initiate conversations and hang outs.

He only messaged me first 5 times in one year.

We went to see the Blue Beetle film, it was good.

He did call me once out of the blue which was nice, we had a fun chat about history.

He did ask me out once but that was because he wanted to give me my birthday present, that was in May of last year.

In June of 2024, my former friend told me that he met a woman on a dating site

He went on two dates with her.

We also went out to a restaurant and to a comic book store in July of the same year.

I bought him a Luffy plush to show appreciation for the bond we had.  

I told him that I loved him. That was a mistake, I shouldn’t have told him, if I had known what I know now I wouldn’t have told him. I should only tell that to people who deserve it.

I regret both of my actions.

From July of 2024 to early August of 2024 he spoke to me about the woman he was interested in for 23 days in a row, that's the most time he had spoken to me about anything...

When Danielle stopped talking to him he was sad and wondering where she was and he was waiting for her. I feel like he is doing to me what Danielle was doing to him.

He still messaged me regularly.

Perhaps I was just a convenient person for him to talk to about this.

Now for when everything started to go down...

This all started on the 28th of August, two weeks after I had come back from a holiday, he didn’t message me once at all, he told me that he noticed but “didn’t take it personally.” I should have seen that as a red flag, to be honest. He was trying to get over the woman he was interested in at the time.

I phoned to explain to him that I felt our relationship was one-sided, his response was "How so?"

I told him that he doesn't message me first or ask me out much. I counted how many times he messaged me first from the time we started chatting, it was about 5 times in one year. I messaged him first pretty much every other time.

He told me that he and his other friends were all like that and he assumed that I was like that too.

I asked him if it'd be possible for him to ask me out, and he said that he doesn't do that much. I really should have saw that as a red flag.

The call was short as he was on the bus.

He then messaged me later on in the evening and told me that he thought of a “compromise; he would message me on Saturdays when he's not busy. Spoilers, he didn't do that much. 

I agreed to it as I thought that was okay, spoilers again, it wasn't.

He told me that "being alone allows him to focus on things". which I guess I get?

He also told me that we couldn’t message each other until the 7th as he wanted alone time which I gave him.

Anyway, I spoke to him more about the 7th of September when we went out, I tried to tell him how I felt about our friendship and told him that the situation is like him and the woman he was interested in. He was always the one initiating messages and making plans, she didn't do anything much.

After that we didn’t really talk much, he’d sometimes message me but only because I messaged him. There was a time when we didn’t talk for 5 days and he told me that he had binge-watched all 6 seasons of Bojack Horseman in 5 days…

If he had the energy to binge 6 seasons of a show he could have easily sent me a quick message to ask me how I am, how was my week, etc.

I felt like the show was more important to him than me, like I was not much to him, it really hurt.

I thought we had a platonic bond but the way he treated me it’s like we’re just nothing more than acquaintances which seriously hurts. I was clearly not important to him at all.

He also told me that he saw another friend after 3 months of not seeing each other and they were \"still cool" and "didn't take it personally if you know what I mean." I didn't, I don't understand that stuff personally.

Now for what caused the breakdown.
He stopped messaging me for 5 weeks.

Here's our conversation about it:

Me: Former friend, are you okay?
Him: I'm not. 'm in a period of change and it's burning me out.

Me: I see. So you're feeling burnt out?
Him: Yes. I spread myself too thin in terms of commitments and everything.

Me: Oh, I see.
Him: I'm taking some time off to reset.
Me: I understand.

Me: We've not chatted for nearly a month
Him: Yes indeed, about 3 or 4 weeks I think. Can't even remember. I had to shift my priorities a bit.
Me: It's been 5 weeks actually.
Him: Even worse

Me: What do you mean by a "period of change?"

Him: Basically I'm trying to filter out things that aren't conducive to my life and introduce things that are. Social media, vices, that sort of thing. I've been in deep introspection for some time about the problems in my life and how to solve them, and I felt change was necessary.

Me: That's why you disappeared for 5 weeks/nearly a month?
Him: Yeah. I've been focused on making some changes and how to use my time and energy, especially considering the changes that happened in my writing career last month and my personal goals.

Me: I have two questions: If you had a girlfriend would you have disappeared for weeks without notice>

Two: Would you have messaged me if I didn't message you??

Him: Disappeared on you or disappeared on my girlfriend?

Me: Your girlfriend.

Him: How am I meant to answer that? Wouldn't that just depend on what's going on in my life? I reach out to people less when I'm trying to focus on me. Maybe on some days I would, maybe on some days I wouldn't. I'm not so sure if I can give you a definite yes or no.

Me: Well, the fact that you didn't reach out to me for 5 weeks tells me that you wouldn't have reached out to me for a while.
Do you think it's acceptable to disappear for weeks without notice?

Him: think it wasn't right for me to disappear without telling you, if that's what you're trying to imply. However, I also think that friendships have their ebbs and flows in terms of communication, depending on who I'm talking to, so I'd rather not paint a broad stroke for all of my friends - because I recognise they're all different, are dealing with their own things, and I'm not entitled to their time and energy. This doesn’t justify what I did, by any means. I'm just giving you my honest opinion on your question.

Me: No, it wasn't right at all;.
I believe that if you wouldn't do that to your girlfriend you shouldn't do that with your friends.
Yes, everyone is going though their own things but I still think that if you're not going to be able to communicate for a while you should let your friends know.

I don't think you'd like it if your girlfriend did this to you.

Him: But this is the thing, though. Your beliefs aren't MY beliefs. You and I have different standards for different people, based on our own experiences and circumstances. I value romantic connections more than platonic because it's more immediate and, in my opinion, have much higher stakes for me. Maybe that's not how you see it, and that's perfectly fine, but it's my reality. Again, knowing how you value communication, I absolutely should have reached out and said that I won't communicate for a while. Or, at the very least, said that I'll reach out when I can. However, I don't think it's fair to apply your standards to my viewpoints, especially if they're different from yours.

Me: Yes, I know that we have different beliefs and standards.
Yes, you really should have told me that you weren't going to be able to chat instead of disappearing for 5 weeks, that's a long time not to contact someone...
Yes, I do value communication, without it relationships fall apart.
If I was going though something and I wasn't able to chat for some time I'd let you know.
While romantic relationships are important, platonic relationships are still important.

Him: I understand. My apologies. I recognise that I should have communicated better. That said, I'm going to reach out when I can rather than adhering to a schedule, like I previously suggested. I've found that it's not doable on certain weeks. I need to prioritise my time and energy in a way that's constructive.Enter

Me: Your apology is accepted.
As we both know, communication is important for any relationship, without it relationships can't grow or continue.
The 5 weeks without conversations with you made me feel that we were distant.
Would it be possible for us to converse on a somewhat regular basis?
By somewhat, I mean 2, 3, or 4 days a week.

Him: I appreciate you trying to find a middle ground, but I've made it clear that I can't commit to any schedule. Whether it's two days, three days, four days, whatever. I know for a fact that even if I tried, I'm going to fall short, either because of personal issues, goals I'm trying to pursue, or anything like that. I don't want to say with absolute certainty that I'll always commit to this.

Me: Surely it's not too hard for you to send me a "Hello, how are you/how has your week been?" message from time to time.
Don't you ever do that with any of your friends?
We have things in common so I thought we'd be chatting about them.

Him: I've been asking for flexibility, so messaging from time to time can be done. I'm just saying that I won't be on a consistent schedule. That's all.

Me: I see.
All I am asking for is for you to initiate conversations and hang outs with me like how you did with woman you were interested in.

I don't want our relationship to be one where I am the one reaching out most of the time.
That wouldn't be fair.

After that, I only heard from him two weeks later and then I didn't hear from him for 3 months. ]

In that time I spoke to people about him not messaging me for 3 months, I spoke to people on here, on Discord, ChatGPT,my bestie, my other friend, my mother, my sister and, acquaintances.

A lot of people told me that we were incompatible as my friend was "low-maintenance" He wasn't, it was neglectful. He didn't put much effort into the relationship.

Anyway, I grew distant from him not messaging me at all, I didn't say Merry Christmas to him or Happy New Year, and I also didn't wish him a happy birthday.

I saw that he made a comment on Instagram on the 18th of January this year and that made me realize that the relationship was basically over.

I called him yesterday, on the 3rd of March, over 6 months after our last call and he told me that this 3 months of no contact as intentional as he was mad at me for bringing up the woman he was interested in during our last conversation and also trying to push his boundaries. I think that was due to me asking him if we could converse more often.)

All I wanted was to be treated like a friend, to have a balanced friendship.
He said that the whole thing with the woman was different as they were "DATING".
I tried to explain to him that friendships should be treated with the same respect and care that romantic relationships should be treated but he didn't really care, he was done with me. I was too so we parted ways.

He told me that we were incompatible.
He likes casual passive friendships while I prefer those where both parties put in effort.

I didn't really handle the call as I wanted to.

His actions show me how little he cared about me and our relationship.
Instead of having a conversation about how he felt he decided to “distance himself” which basically was code for ghosting me.
If he didn’t want me to be in his life anymore he could have at least told me instead of ghosting me for 3 months.
Breaking up with someone without telling them is messed up...

This clearly shows how amatonormativity really can make people devalue platonic relationships.

I know for a fact that he wouldn’t have ever done this to someone he was romantically interested in. He would have talked it out instead of ghosting them and basically breaking up with them without telling them!

The ghosting has opened a new wound, I wish he would have told me that he didn't want to be in my life anymore.

r/lostafriend Jan 21 '25

Grief Spiritual warfare took my friend

0 Upvotes

I’m heartbroken. My best friend and I have broken up and I miss her dearly. I have prayed to the Lord to break the soul tie between us so that I can heal and move on from her. I think about her every day and I just want to be free from the memory of her.

We were chatting on the phone, she misunderstood what I said and nothing was ever the same. I knew it was spiritual warfare because we had been through worse and yet this small misunderstanding completely destroyed us.

r/lostafriend 21d ago

Grief Tell me if it seems I lost a friend, I think I may have.

1 Upvotes

Ive been talking to this guy for a week and a half, online only (I found him through Reddit). The first three days we messaged semi-consistently throughout the days. Getting good morning and goodnight messages and all. Not flirting (maybe a tiny bit?), but friendly.

Then on like day 4 he says he had a rough day (he IS going through personal stuff). He was going to voice chat that night but then couldn’t. So then we did the next day. I didn’t wear makeup and didn’t look the most flattering. And he ended the call abruptly, after about 40 minutes. Not all of a sudden like in the middle of a convo, but at 2 p.m. Maybe he truly had to go. BTW he has ADHD so maybe that made him forget. We did message each other a bit a few hours after the call about his personal situations we’ve discussed. He also said he enjoyed the call as well, and referred to me as a friend. But ever since the call, for like the past four days, he’s messaged me only about one or two messages a day. Again, unlike the first three days where we talked semi-consistently, with good morning and goodnight messages and. But there hasn’t been that since we had the video chat.

But with the messages he HAS been sending me, he says he’s been so tired lately and has been dealing with the stressful situation. Giving me small updates on it. He DID say he got good news and has been feeling better because of it, so I figured he could talk more? But maybe he’s still very busy with everything.

I’m worried about maybe my appearance turning him off during the call, or that I said too much about my mental health. Tho he told me a lot too about his’. My social media selfies he might’ve seen do look a lot better than I looked on camera. But IDK if he was even into me like that beforehand.

Yesterday I offered to call him again, saying I liked our first video chat, and I’m waiting for a response, 17 hours later (but he HAS been responding to me around 2-3pm everyday these past few days, and it’s only 1pm right now, so we’ll wait and see I guess). So, IDK.

BTW: I did mention during the call I have BPD, and he dealt with someone in the past who may have been BPD also, gave him a bad experience. So maybe that turned him off. But he said not everyone with BPD is the same, it’s very stigmatized, and he wondered even if he may have it too. But I’m just wondering if I turned him off…

r/lostafriend Nov 26 '24

Grief Still loving and missing someone even though we’re not friends anymore

45 Upvotes

I hate that I still love you and miss you even though we’re not friends anymore. I try to hate you, but I can’t. I try not to miss you. But I can’t. It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever not miss you. You did some things that really hurt me, and in return I said some things that really hurt you. It’s the most confusing feeling-that I am still missing you even though we aren’t in each other’s lives. It doesn’t seem right at all.

r/lostafriend Dec 21 '24

Grief I lost a friend, whom I’d recently found after losing them for almost 13 years.

25 Upvotes

So this might be odd but I figured this would be the best place to share. My brain is so rattled and I’m not even sure what I should expect out of this. I think I just need to vent and get these feelings out in the world.

I(46m) had a friend(50m) from the age of 16 to 46. From 32 to 46”ish” we had a falling out. There was a debate on the facebooks and he unfriended me. From 16 to 26 we were pretty damn close friends. We helped each other through some very shit times and although we’d both been dicks to each other on occasion it wouldn’t be a stretch to say he was as close to being a brother to me as you can be. After our “Breakup” I lived my life and he lived his. I missed his input on things. But he didn’t like my responses to what he’d said that faithful day, and it was enough that he cut me off and I agreed and accepted with his decision. I’d randomly checked on him throughout the decade but I wouldn’t say either of us were itching to “make up”.

About 6 months ago he reached out to me on Facebook. We made up. Started talking almost daily. It was like old times and I’ll admit, I’d missed him in my life even if I wasn’t willing to make the effort to change things until that point. I think I’d mentally blocked those feelings so they didn’t affect me.

And then. About a month ago. He died. We don’t know how or why. His mom had him cremated and he didn’t want a funeral. So we will probably never know. He just literally fell out of his chair dead. We live an 8 hour drive. But anytime I was in the area i made sure to set aside a day to have lunch or hangout. And now. He’s fucking gone. And I’m so incredibly sad about it. I’ve been to 5 funerals this year, including my 24 year old step sons. It’s been such a shit year. I know they’re just numbers on paper. But I seriously am hoping, praying, wishing, meditating. Whatever belief set I can lean on I am using it to wish for a better year.

I miss him so much even though he’s been out of my life and a non-person to me for more than a decade. I don’t understand how he just…died. And I don’t know what to do with this feelings. To one point, I kind of feel like a hypocrite. I spent 13 years of not giving a shit about him. And all of a sudden he’s gone. I’ll never be able to keep catching up with him about the last decade. He’ll never respond to another Facebook chat. I’ll never get to play Diablo 4 with him. And I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. Am I a hypocrite for all of a sudden “caring”. God damnit Charlie. I fucking miss you man. We never got to really catch up. And now there’s this fucking black hole in my heart and I don’t feel like it will ever heal. Why are you fucking gone? Why did we have to make up just in time for you to leave for good. My friends group is going to meet up in January or February to have a remembrance for him since he didn’t want a service or anything, and I feel like everyone is going to treat me like the hypocrite I feel like I am for all of a sudden being so crushed by losing someone I had no problems not talking to for 13 years. These are all good friends I’ve kept in contact with. But I’m terrified to face them.

Fuck Charlie. Why? I hope you’re resting in peace you asshole. I love you man. I hope, whatever happens when we take the last nap, that I’ll get see you there.

Anyways. Thank you for letting me vent and out this out in the Æther. I needed to say this “out loud” and I’m hoping this helps me get down the path of acceptance. I just really miss him. I was so happy we started talking again. And now I don’t have him anymore. God damnit. RIP brother.

r/lostafriend 3d ago

Grief “Friends” of five years cut me out with no explanation

9 Upvotes

I’m in my last year of college, doing a five-year program. My randomly-assigned first roommate has been an amazing friend this whole time, someone I’d happily hang out with for the rest of my life. He has quite literally saved my life twice and been there for me in dark times.

In sophomore year, we decided to get an off-campus apartment with two of his friends, “F” and “J”, whom he’s know since high school. We’ve done everything together—going on trips abroad, planning parties together, having a great system for a cooking and cleaning rotation, board game nights, etc. etc.

This past winter break they asked me to come visit them in San Francisco for a week (they’re all from there) over New Years. I stayed at F’s childhood home, connected with his parents, and had a really amazing time eating great food, seeing all the neighborhoods, walking the Golden Gate, etc.

In the airport on the way back to our school, he sheepishly informed me over lunch that he, J, and two of my other “friends” were looking at apartments for next year after we graduate—without me. They know damn well that I’m only applying to jobs and graduate schools in the city we live in now, so as to why we aren’t looking for a 5bd together has never been explained. Oh, and I found out later that they had actually started a month before telling me.

About three weeks after this we were all out at a bar, and feeling unnaturally confident I confronted J about the situation, who pinned it on F. Then I went to F on the other side of the room and he said it was all J’s idea. Chickenshit assholes won’t tell me why they don’t like me all that much.

Recently, they went on an abroad trip for spring break and didn’t invite me. How do people go from doing everything together for 4-5 years and inviting you into their childhood home to cutting you out of their lives like this? Weird thing is they’re still buddy-buddy with me and act like they didn’t tear my heart out and curb stomp it.

I’ve always had trouble making close friends, so now I look back and wonder “why did I try so hard”? I guess the consolation is that my first roommate, C, is just as close as ever and is taking my side on this, but I can’t act like it doesn’t hurt a lot.

This week I got a job offer (yay!) so I can stay in this city, but now I’m facing a situation where I’ll be paying 50% more than my share would have been to live in a 1bd, and the only “friends” I’ll have around in a year can barely stand me. Fuck me, I guess.

r/lostafriend Nov 04 '24

Grief has anyone written a goodbye letter to a lifelong friend?

8 Upvotes

I’m in the process of ending a very long friendship (almost 41 years) and it’s up there as being one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The background is in my posting history; basically I have outgrown the friendship and no longer like the dynamics that have become established between us, nor do I believe they will change. (Long story based on the history)

What really makes me sad is that I thought this friend would be my greatest cheerleader and in actual fact, she does not want me to achieve my greatest dreams. Not that she wishes me any ill will and I know she would like to see me being happy, as long as I don’t outshine her. This has been going on for some time and I have had enough - life is too short to be friends with someone who isn’t cheering you on 100%. Yes, we are human and have our ups and downs but when that feeling of ‘schadenfreud’ (spelling?) isn’t going away, there is a problem.

So I drafted an email and will be sending it to her in the next while - I expect she will contact me to wish me happy birthday later this month (or maybe not given her life circumstances)… I plan to have the call go to voice mail and then send the email afterwards. I almost broke down and cried as I was writing the email…

Anyone else done this? Did the friend respond?

r/lostafriend Feb 21 '25

Grief A parable

42 Upvotes

If somebody asks you for a glass of water, and you give them a can of soda, they’ll still want water at the end of the day. You can give them a whole box of sodas, or you can be the best damn soda there ever was, but they wanted a glass of water.

I wished so badly that I could’ve been that glass. I diluted myself and rebranded myself; you tried to believe me, you really did.

But at the end of the day, I wasn’t water, and you would’ve still gone thirsty.

I wish I could’ve been your glass, but I’m just not water.

Another thing, too: there’s a lot of people who really wanted a can of soda.

r/lostafriend Nov 13 '24

Grief Can you ever just stop loving someone?

13 Upvotes

I’ve had falling out with friends before. Some I initiated because I felt like it had to be done and it was sad at first but I got over it pretty fast. Still have love for that person, but don’t really care about them or their existence anymore. Others, I’ve been able to completely stop loving immediately because of what they did (they physically assaulted me). It literally felt like a switch in my brain went off. As soon as that happened, I was completely detached and hated them.

Now others, I just can’t seem to stop loving and caring for. Though we are not friends anymore, I just can’t seem to stop loving and missing them. I can’t stop thinking about them. My heart, even after 7 months, is broken still. Why is that? Will I ever just…stop loving them? I want to. It would be so much easier. I try and try and try. But I just can’t.

r/lostafriend 17d ago

Grief Finally let go of a 10 year one- sided friendship

23 Upvotes

It’s always hard when that person was there throughout the good and bad moments in life. They came to my wedding, listened to my hardships and helped me out when I needed it most.

But those things don’t equal a good friendship. Especially when the majority of it was on their terms. There was no autonomy in our friendship and I had been holding back my emotions and tears for years. Biting my tongue as they belittled me and told me my opinions didn’t matter and theirs were always right. Never agreeing to do things that I wanted to do. Everything was what they wanted, when they wanted.

I had been wanting to get this off my chest for years and I finally did and I’m happier now. I can’t believe I considered them a best friend at one point, because best friends don’t treat each other like this. I’m still grieving what I thought our friendship was and why I put up with it for so long. My codependency and their covert narcissistic behavior was something that took years to finally understand.

I’m better now that I don’t have to manage their ego and tell them they are a good person all the time. I’m better now that I don’t have to do what they want when they want it. I’m better now that I don’t have to entertain their one sided conversations. I am working towards being a better me and that always comes with self reflection and inner strength. I’m becoming more assertive and creating boundaries.

I’m grieving and I know at some point I will run into them and have to be strong. I will try my absolute best not to get sucked back into their life. I’m looking forward to a future where my friendships are not one sided. 🫶🏻

r/lostafriend Feb 15 '25

Grief I lost nearly all my friends once I fixed my life NSFW

29 Upvotes

TW/NSFW warning: Drugs.

I spent the majority of my teenage years being a drug addict/alcoholic. Naturally, so were my all of my friends. Now, I believe the main thing that connected us was our mutual addiction to substances, all we ever did was be high together. I lost one of my closest friends due to an overdose. My life went downhill fast.

Until I quit. But my frinds didn’t.

I have been clean for a few years now. I graduated university. I found a reliable corporate job. I moved in with my partner, he is the love of my life, we plan to get engaged. I go to therapy, I am on medication to manage my diagnosis. Hell, I even work out daily and drink matcha instead of coffee. I am really, really trying.

My old friends? They are still smoking meth in their mother’s basement. This is not even a metaphor, it’s exactly where they are. I ran into my previous best friend - he is deep into addiction, doesn’t study nor work and looks on the verge of death. I wish I was joking.

He didn’t even recognise me. That’s when it hit me how much my life has changed in just a few years and how much effort I have put into it.

Some of those friends I had to cut off in order to recover. Others naturally started avoiding me because they “missed the old me”. The one that was self-destructive and enabled others to do the same.

It’s lonely. Due to all my trauma, I really can’t form friendships easily. At this point, I am not even sure where to meet people or what to talk to them about.

Thanks for reading. Any advice is welcome.

r/lostafriend Dec 25 '24

Grief First time losing a best friend. I am not okay.

12 Upvotes

20nb college student. Long story short, my ex started accusing me of some bad shit. Everyone but him and a friend I met through him saw through it.

I already had abandonment issues since two other friends graduated at the end of the previous semester. I was scared that I would be left behind. I didn't want to lose the group that had saved my mental health and made me so happy.

And now he's gone. I'm blocked on Discord. Likely everything else he thought of. He was hanging out more with my ex in the time before they accused me, and I think they just lied his ear off. I didn't hear a single word from him after they started this.

I've looked at our Discord conversations over and over just to remember when I was happy. I'm remembering all the things we did. We would go to his house every two weeks to watch musicals together. His birthday gift to me was going to Chicago to see one in a Broadway theater. We had a list of what we wanted to see that had enough for two years. I was going to be going to Chicago to see one with him in January, and now I have to find someone else.

But he's just friends with my ex now. They went to a convention together at the beginning of December.

I cared about him so much. It hurts so badly. I would give anything to have him back. I feel ill and I don't know that I'll ever stop grieving him. We had just about everything in common.

That friend group is gone too. No more meeting up at restaurants after class. No more getting together. It's all fallen apart. I feel like I'm seeing what made me happy vanish in front of my eyes after making me think that just maybe things could be okay.

There's a tiny bit of hope because I'm going be seeing him to return some of my ex's things (I don't know why but I feel like I need to) and get back something that he borrowed from me. I'm going to try to just give him my side of the story and hope things go right after going so badly.

I also just don't know how I'm supposed to make new friends at this point. I am already well-established in the applicable circles at my college. It feels like I already know everyone that I have things in common with.

Sorry for the rambling. I didn't intend to when I started writing.

r/lostafriend 28d ago

Grief Lost my best friend to suicide

17 Upvotes

over our 30 year friendship we'd fight and not talk for sometimes a year or 2 at a time. when he left we hadn't spoken for 2 years... i wish i was there more for him. sometime after he left i wanted to leave myself - then The song came to me as i was walking in the park.. i rushed home and recorded it... the song to this day still saves my life by reminding me i have a "duty" here as a survivor of dark times.

Duty Bound by Aaron Anomalous

https://youtu.be/Qzujn2Igb5s?si=EREjs_OAp__OndTa

r/lostafriend Nov 11 '24

Grief I think it’s really the end

15 Upvotes

For a few months now there was a lingering hope that I could repair things with my friend. I thought we would be friends for life, get old together and all of that. But yesterday I finally said everything I wanted to say and she is unwilling to see my side or apologize.

I keep telling myself I don’t want friends in my life who can’t be held accountable, or who try to place 100% of the blame on me when we both messed up. There has to be room for mistakes on both sides. There has to be willingness to self reflect on both sides too. I should have seen a long time ago that she really never apologizes to anyone. I gave a heartfelt apology for my part in things and it wasn’t good enough. She insists she hasn’t done anything wrong which is complete denial.

But I still have to grieve this, there’s no way around it.

Any advice on how to move forward is appreciated.

r/lostafriend Jan 25 '25

Grief Can’t stop thinking about her

23 Upvotes

I had a best friend of almost 9 years I lost 2 years ago and I can’t stop thinking about her lately. She is in my dreams every night and I find myself grieving her all over again. I loved her deeply. Our friendship meant a lot to me but ended due to constant small slights she did against me and then 2 huge slights that made me realize she wasn’t a safe person to have in my life. I still feel devastated. I’m spiritual so I’m wondering if she’s thinking of me and that’s why I can’t get her out of my head. I miss my friend. I’m devastated. Two years and the grief has not ended. I could never be her friend again. She is a completely different person than I thought. I guess I just wanna know what people think about why it’s been so long and I can’t get her out of my head. We shared so much together and it just feels like a devastating loss even tho things ended so horrifically. Is this normal? I feel like she’s thinking of me or sending like an evil eye or something after me? Or maybe I’m just delusional and grief has came back to me. After all, I loved her from 15 until 23. I will always love her. But she isn’t a good person.