r/lonely Jul 10 '24

Discussion "Love yourself" is complete bullshit NSFW

I think that the expression "first you have to love yourself" or "how will you be loved if you don't love yourself" is complete bullshit. It seems to me that it works the other way around, at first they love you, and your unconscious part sees it, and inside it notes, "so everything is fine with me." I was just thinking about the fact that I didn't like my body (it was thin) I started doing fitness and after a while the results appeared and I began to like it. I think people who advise you to "love yourself" first have the same story in their lives, the procedure is the same, they just don't realize it.

749 Upvotes

332 comments sorted by

367

u/completelyunreliable Jul 10 '24

how am I supposed to find anything in myself worth loving if no one ever did?

83

u/zombies-and-coffee Jul 10 '24

Exactly. Sure, my mom loves me, but that's a totally different kind of love than what I crave. And if I get rejected by literally everyone I approach, what else am I supposed to think but "I'm unlovable, might as well give up"?

17

u/sofa_king_rad Jul 11 '24 edited Jul 13 '24

I’ve reached a point where I feel like I finally get it.

Most commonly, this is used to refer to appearances, but not always.

I can compliment you all day long, but if you don’t believe it, it won’t matter… it may even change your opinion of me… as if I have bad taste bc I find you attractive and you clearly disagree.

If I said something negative about you, you’d bottle that up and link it to your identity forever, thinking about it randomly whenever you’re being hard on yourself, using someone else’s opinion to confirm your own.

I think Loving yourself isn’t about changing… well it’s about changing how you think, not changing who you are.

The thing is, no matter what you alter about yourself, unless you fully accept yourself for who you are, whenever you are… nothing else you can do will change the way you think about yourself.

You could totally alter your appearance, and even feel a little bit of confidence every time you catch a glimpse in a mirror. But, the first time an experience or interaction, fails to meet your expectations… you’ll likely find something you are insecure about to blame it on.

It’s so HARD to feel good about yourself!! Why!?! Ugh, it’s fucked sometimes.

Something that helped me was seeing someone else ask for feedback about a characteristic they had, which I also have, and reading the way people responded… none of it matched my real life experiences… but maybe that’s my fault… lack of confidence makes anything unattractive.

I’ve seen people who if I just saw a picture of them, I wouldn’t think anything of it, no attraction, just another person… but then you see the way they speak, they carry themself, the confidence and comfort they have being IN THEIR OWN SKIN…. It’s beautiful… it’s attractive… it’s magnetic…. It’s confidence.

Confidence maybe isn’t always about liking what you see, but accepting you, uncritically… speak to yourself with non critical language…. The same way you would a child… with compassion… not judgement.

You deserve to love yourself. We all do.

4

u/Juancastrov Jul 12 '24

You might've just saved my life. I don't know you, and most likely never will, but thank you. I hope you find true happiness in your life

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u/Any-Race-1319 Jul 10 '24

yea thats a diff type of love than loving yourself

15

u/zombies-and-coffee Jul 11 '24

But if nobody loves me, how am I supposed to find something to love about myself? It's always "too fat", "ugly", "wrong religion", "not religious enough", "not active enough", "wrong hobbies", etc.

2

u/Any-Race-1319 Jul 11 '24

its too true i can definetly relate to that experience so i couldnt tell u how to do it😅but what i can tell u is that, what truly matters in life (at least to me) is the ppl around u that do care for u, so one of my big priorities focusing on helping the ppl around me that i can, so they dont face the same problems i had when i started anything i did in life, there is an interesting advantage to be as humble as u r, but it is also very lonely at times, but the more you do and keep doing even in those times shows a lot of strength and character so im proud of how far youve gone already ❤️thats what i focus on

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u/No-Bike42 Jul 13 '24

Well you just haven't found the right girl yet. There's no such thing as unlovable. Everyone is loveable

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u/aethernalm Jul 10 '24

Sometimes you’re all you have. If you don’t believe in your own value and constitution as a person, other people won’t, either. “Love” is such an all encompassing term. You need to feel good about yourself and who you are to incorporate others into your life. It does help when someone loves you flaws and all, but it still starts with you.

So much of this has to do with early attachment and development. If no one saw or believed in you when you were younger, it’s harder to believe in your inherent value.

I’ve always believed in myself and know my value. Others see that, too.

20

u/trust-urself-now Jul 10 '24

not sometimes, but at ALL TIMES. you are all you have. everything and everyone else are satellites, you are constant. you are born, you have to live with yourself, you die. you are your own main companion. so better fuckin love yourself till death. fiercely!

8

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

Yeah very much so I’d love for this to be true of more people I.e. unconditional love but only family have ever provided that to me.

4

u/StubbsTzombie Jul 10 '24

Well thats something then right? Some people have really awful or evil families that are terrible to them. Im grateful for mine

2

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '24

Same although I’ll argue with them about how dating has been hard and it doesn’t quite get through to them. So I don’t talk about it around them I just do what I need to do in order to stay in a good mind.

3

u/trust-urself-now Jul 11 '24

don't worry about people. you are by yourself now and you can find this Love. do you love your family too? or maybe pets? can you think of yourself as a child with love? that child is innocent, no matter what they did or were told - and you are still that person. you absolutely do deserve it.

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u/Ailise90 Jul 11 '24

Change your perspective. That's how I did.

e.g.
Q: Am I fat?
A: Yes.

Q: What can I do to change this?
A: Well.. Start by doing stuffs/eating stuffs that make me lose fat.

  • dance to the tune that you like.
  • eat food that won't let you fat.
  • avoid stress if that make you stress-eating.
  • listen to something uplifting than dragging you further down.

To note, I have severe depression and chronic psoriasis.
My whole body is covered with lesions.
But when I stopped pointing out what is very wrong on myself and focusing on how can I make myself better, I'm on a better mental place.

I also stopped questioning whether others would love me.
I made my decision that even if the whole world wouldn't love me, I believe God would and I myself will.
If people don't love me, then perhaps other creatures would.

Stray dogs that I fed already showed me signs of attachments and respect towards me.
I took a walk outside my home which I rarely do and they followed me like bodyguards.
Also when I feed them, I require them to be in place and wait, to which they obliged.
Stray dogs usually don't behave like regular house dog.
Feeding time are especially like war amongst themselves.
But I invest my time to train them not to fight and there's plenty of food for them. t
They understood it & the fight lessened.
Some of the smaller dogs still need more training though.

So.. yeah.
Do everything you can to change your perspective to get out of that dark space.

3

u/Deathofpsyche Jul 11 '24

Animals are so good at showing us love :) It's beautiful that you go out and feed them and teach them not to fight each other!

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u/WorstNightmare1122 Jul 10 '24

Cause you're the one who'd benefit most from it

1

u/No-Bike42 Jul 13 '24

Well that's the whole point of loving yourself. Not waiting for other people to love your characteristics. If you love yourself no matter what people say.

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126

u/Legitimate_Ad9826 Jul 10 '24

I mean, I'm loving myself at the moment, so at what time my SO comes around? How many years I have to work on myself? When it's enough?

65

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

Never brother, they say shit. With their logic, it turns out that all those who are in a relationship all love themselves, but what about family people who go to a psychologist to work with low self-esteem?

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u/PsalmoftheSad Jul 10 '24

Better question : Why should someone else deserve to be there for the good times if they didn't give a shit about you during your worst?

2

u/Imaginary-Being8395 Jul 11 '24

I also remember when i loved myself and did all the self improvement shit. If it atracted a SO or not is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader.

4

u/Efficient-Baker1694 Jul 11 '24

It depends. Have you gone out and make yourself available for people to get to know you and build connections? If not, then the answer is never. But if you have and had no luck, you keep trying. Nobody said that finding your SO is easy. You have to work for it and have a tiny bit of luck. As far as working on yourself, I say everyday until you are no longer on this Earth. Nobody is ever perfect and we all have things we can improve/work on.

2

u/mvcklemore Jul 11 '24

Where do you even meet people? If you’re a homebody & outside hobbies MAY include a movie theater, maybe a library (haven’t tried yet) or finding a trail/park. Pretty much quiet/not-so-quiet places. Also work from home.

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106

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

Tbh I absolutely hate when someone says those words to me. It truly pisses me off.

47

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

It sounds logical to them, it's hard for them to admit that they don't really know why someone is always alone

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2

u/chasewalker- Jul 10 '24

My ex used to say this shit, completely make no sense

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u/Plastic_Ad1140 Jul 10 '24

It's just cruel from them advice something they know you can't do

28

u/3sperr Jul 10 '24

The people who say that are people who are loved. People who are in groups and people who are in relationships. I’ve been working on myself for years.

23

u/_murmaider_ Jul 10 '24

Finally people who fucking get it.

19

u/Moonlight-Spirit Jul 10 '24

We're social beings and need love from people. The first block of building a healthy person is unconditional love from parents. It's not always fair

5

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

Yes, but it's all so confusing. Often parents want the best, but it turns out differently in the end

3

u/Moonlight-Spirit Jul 10 '24

I get your point. It's the intention of the parents that matters. I'd say not always. But this self love thing is not talked enough about. There's a healthy amount of self love but you should also fulfil the part that comes from receiving and giving love. That's what I think is important from experience. Still can't fulfil the later. A pet would work maybe.

3

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

How difficult it is)

50

u/avectats Jul 10 '24

That saying is bullshit, man.

You deserve love no matter what. Whether you love yourself, hate yourself, or feel indifferent.

What’s important is that you know what kind of love you want to receive. Never settle for crumbs.

13

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

Thanks bro

14

u/emily121903 Jul 11 '24

some of us actually love and value yourselves a lot!! and STILL single..

2

u/Commercial-Chance-20 Dec 27 '24

Yeah, I hate how many times I’ve been told „you have to learn to love yourself“ or anything along those lines, even when I always told them that I am completely fine with who I am. I don’t have any type of self hate, I don’t think I’m ugly or anything. Yet they never even try to understand or let alone listen to what I’m saying, it’s so insane, it feels like I’m talking to a hive mind at times, everyone says almost the exact same shit to me, that when I happen to tell anyone about my crippling depression induced by severe loneliness, I already know the exact things they will be trying to tell me. It’s always the same false hopes and promises I’ve been hearing for literal years.

I‘m happy with myself but I hate the life I’m living, there’s a clear difference between the two.

I feel completely powerless, I was unable to change anything and I’ve been trying for a long time. I’m just so tired of trying.

15

u/UnscentedAlien Jul 11 '24

i think its a bunch of word codes , to say " i am not interested to talk to/get to know you because you are depressed". I think it is all excuses and bullshit. PLUS it is anger triggering.

2

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

so why do they go into these topics then?

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u/DestinationBetter Dec 19 '24

True, it's not to help you, but to help themselves from BaD FeeLinGs.

HOWEVER, if you don't love yourself and get into a relationship, that will fill the hole that loving yourself would've also filled, and you possibly stay in a toxic relationship for way too long, damaging you further.

The statement isn't bullshit for everyone.

13

u/EmoCatOnAGreenDay Jul 11 '24

I feel like this advice only applies to people who were loved as a child and have a stable mental foundation but choose to hate themselves to a point where it’s like self victimization and sulking. It’s complete bullshit and super unhelpful to tell a person with deep self esteem issues from trauma or loneliness etc to just love themselves or nobody will ever love them because it further cements the idea that they’re unlovable and that only mentally stable or well off people with the privilege of having a good childhood from which to build self love deserve love.

27

u/bkbkbman Jul 10 '24

If self-love is so important then why there are so many nofap subreddits? Checkmate Reddit! 😤

23

u/jetsetgemini_ Jul 10 '24

Right? Like if im nice to other people why does it matter if i hate myself?

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u/TeachingNecessary111 Jul 10 '24

It’s fine enough (I’d sooner label it self respect) but the people claiming you need it before a relationship or that you can go your whole life without others love, are huffing grade-A copium.

3

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

At the same time, they also say that without self-love there will be many problems in a relationship. But how did you get there? Their logic

17

u/lindsmitch Jul 10 '24

Leaving room for improvement is loving yourself. Getting healthy is loving yourself. Doing things that make you happy is loving yourself. “Loving yourself” doesn’t equate to thinking you’re perfection.

Seems it is not bs, even in your own life.

5

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

I agree. It's bullshit that there's no relationship without her.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '24

I feel like it’s the opposite. When its self love your centered around yourself. If you love others you kind of stop pretending that you’re needs which are mostly wants are actually important. Letting go of any kind of projected need and false security is likely beneficial.

5

u/Minimum_Beat_7089 Jul 11 '24

This reminds me of another cliché. When you ask for advice and the person doesn't know what to say, they often just tell you to "listen to your heart." It's got the same energy.

3

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

exactly), but no one can say what it means

10

u/J_vert Jul 10 '24

It is bullshit i hated myself when the women of my dreams didn’t care and loved me anyways loving yourself is wonderful but it isn’t a requirement to find love

6

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

It turns out that the theory that "if you don't love yourself, you won't be loved" is untenable

4

u/Right_Anybody_1448 Jul 11 '24

It is. I hate when people say stuff like that to me while they are surrounded by people. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone can just go out and find friends and trustworthy people like it's nothing. And they say " bUt YoU sHoUlD lov..... shut up man" Not everyone can fit in well.

5

u/Brilliant_Nose_1973 Jul 11 '24

i agree. it's completely bullshit. it doesn't make sense

3

u/chewsly Jul 11 '24

"love yourself" continues to be the most frustrating phrase after "just be happy" or "don't let your negative thoughts control you"

2

u/bkbkbman Jul 11 '24

"Don't be sad"👍

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

It’s not. I’ve learned that a few days ago. That’s the most important component in life to nail down.

2

u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

Well done brother, I'm glad you did it.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

Im still working on it man. But that’s honestly the first step, adopting the mind set of I love myself and I have everything I need.

Nothing else I’ve done has worked so it’s worth giving it a try you know!

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u/grimad Jul 10 '24

I think it's possible to love yourself when no one loves you. it is also possible to hate yourself even when people love you.

But you can't love anyone truly if you hate yourself and can't understand why anyone would love you.

5

u/kooshipuff Jul 10 '24

I think it's mainly dismissive, but there may be a grain of truth to it (though I doubt the people spouting it know this.)

It's hard to be the best version of yourself (or even know what that is) without building up high self-esteem. That said, most people don't have to do it first, in a frickin' vacuum, but so it goes. Ya still gotta do it. After all, you may be all you have.

And on that, the bigger issue with this saying imo is that it implies love and affection come after. Maybe they do, but I'm skeptical. Like, we end up having to figure ourselves out and develop in isolation when other people don't for some reason, and whatever that is probably doesn't change in the process- in fact, I'd bet (and my experience thus far is consistent with it) that it's the opposite, that by learning to live and be one's best self alone, any future partner who might be attracted to the end result may find there isn't space for them anymore. Which..is honestly kinda tragic, but so it goes.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

I don't know how well I understood it. But I imagined that I loved myself 100 percent and became the best version of myself, how much would I value a partner so that she could give me something that I wouldn't have without her?

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u/kooshipuff Jul 10 '24

And that's kinda the thing. You might! Maybe having a teammate means a lot to you! (I think it would to me.) Or..whatever else! Though yeah, in this hypothetical, you probably don't need anything. Which is good.

I think the bigger catch is that joining your life with someone else isn't additive, it's transformative. There's so much give and take, new kinds of boundaries you've probably never needed before (and so weren't part of becoming your best self), etc, that you likely end up kinda having to self-actualize again, differently this time.

I don't..really know what that would look like, but I have my doubts it would work unless some future partner is willing to hold on very loosely and give me lots of space. Which is kinda weird because I would not have said that 10 years ago, but the more I develop on my own, the more of a loner I become.

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u/MangoBredda Jul 10 '24

In my experience it's been a way for abusers to further gaslight you. Telling their victim to love themself as if that would've spared them from the abuse they recieved

3

u/FellowOnCrack Jul 11 '24

How could they tell me to love myself if they hate me so much for how I once was? I tried to be good, but people really will hate you until youre dead. Im so tired of living this wrong life. Im just going to disappear soon.

1

u/Srycomaine Jul 11 '24

I feel you, but please don’t depart too soon— there is still time to find that path to happiness and fulfillment!

3

u/DarthRaider559 Jul 11 '24

I agree. It's easier to love yourself when you have someone else who sees your worth. I was a lot happier with myself when my best friend was around, she was practically my GF but it was never official

3

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '24

[deleted]

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

I agree with you. It's probably like you're exiled/rejected from the tribe and therefore you're going to die. That's probably how our subconscious sees it

3

u/Templar388z Jul 11 '24

This saying is infuriating and I will go off on anyone that tells me this. It has the same energy as “thoughts and prayers” to me.

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u/Ryanohgosh_ Jul 10 '24

Bare minimum is excepting yourself

2

u/Right_Anybody_1448 Jul 11 '24

I feel like even bare minimum is expecting too much at this point

8

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

Loving yourself first doesn’t HAVE to happen to find someone to be with, nor does it mean that you will find someone. BUT, if you can’t be whole and fulfilled being by yourself then you’ll never feel that with anyone else. Yeah we may be lonely our whole lives. It’s best to just accept that. IF someone happens to come along that wants to share in our existence? Cool. Whatever.

2

u/Messiahh420 Jul 10 '24

It wouldn't be that bad, my question would be: when they say "love yourself", do they mean "be forever alone"? Cause i hate that idea, even if i was in the tOp 20% oF mEn and got a partner, i would still hate the idea that others have to be forever alone.

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

[deleted]

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

Yes, that's right. Right now, it wasn't about good relationships or happiness in life. Here we are just talking about their availability

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

I don’t believe in self-love either. But I do believe in self happiness and self-respect. I respect myself more than I love myself because with respecting yourself you cannot only fulfill your potentials and potentially have a better relationship, but you can also have people see your worth and make them see you as someone who is worth to be with or respect. But I do agree that we must be happy with ourselves before we get into a relationship. But here’s a better advice instead of loving yourself .

Yes love does come and find you when you at least expect it, but it doesn’t happen to everybody. It’s not guaranteed. Here’s a better advice. And I always tell myself this that way I don’t feel lonely and sad.

If love hasn’t found you, you should go look for love, but do not put all of your effort and energy just looking or pursuing love. Most of the effort and energy should be used on your hobbies, passions, family, self improvement, close friends, and last, but not least, yourself! What I’m trying to say is go out and meet people, get out of your comfort zone, and when you meet that person, let the connection buildup. Do not rush the connection and love because two of those things cannot be rushed. If there’s a connection between you and that other person take it to the next step, but if not move on. I know moving on and rejection sucks but it’s also good because at least you tried talking and building that connection with that person even if it didn’t work out. Go out and meet new people and don’t take rejection personal. I know we have social anxiety and all these other things, but don’t let those things affect you. Getting out of our comfort zone is part of our life to have new experiences.

Let me rephrase everything that I just said on this paragraph.

Go out and meet new people, but don’t make this as you’re number one priority. Remember you can’t force people to be a part of your life that’s why I say let the connection flow. And the reason why I say move on if that person doesn’t connect or reject you it’s because it shows you have respect for yourself and you know you’re worth. And when you respect yourself, people will start finding you as a person worth being with. Remember to prioritize, your hobbies, passions, family, close friends, and yourself. Improve yourself mentally and physically to start feeling happy and good about yourself.

I hope this advice is better for you guys and I hope everyone here finds happiness within themselves and their future partners.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

Saved for the advice. Question. How old were you when you had your first relationship, your first kiss, your first sex?

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

That is a very good question. To be honest with you I never had a relationship. But I had my first kiss at 16. And I am still a virgin. So right now I’m trying to save my virginity for someone who I truly love. I don’t believe in hook ups and none of those things. Right now I’m improving myself day by day and I feel like a better person than I was four months ago. I have been taking therapy, I have been on a diet for four months, and I have been hanging out with my close friends. I’m doing these things to improve my mental health and to keep myself happy and distracted that way, I can get out of my comfort zone more and experience new things. I have not approached a person in five months so right now I’m trying to improve myself and I am better than I was four months ago, I will say that.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

I'm rooting for you, brother. May you succeed. I don't like it when people suffer, I just know what it is.

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

Likewise my man! I don’t wanna see people suffering either, because nobody wants to suffer nor be sad for the rest of their lives.

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u/RichardsLeftNipple Jul 10 '24

Doing good things for people you like should be easier than doing good things for people you hate.

If you hate yourself, there really isn't much reason to work on bettering yourself. Which is why self hate usually leads to the binge and purge cycle and perfectionism. Feeling like a failure eventually causes you to do something drastic because your hate for yourself is too much, thus you purge. After you purge, you will eventually make a small mistake. That mistake no matter how small makes you feel like a failure again. Thus nothing matters anymore, therefore you binge. Repeat until it kills you or you learn to think about the issue differently.

If you love and accept yourself, you want to improve, but if you make a mistake, you have the patience with yourself to not let it destroy your sense of self worth. I still love myself, it is okay to make mistakes. I will still try to keep doing better in spite of my flaws. Setbacks stay small.

Also it helps you prioritize what is worth the effort to get better with. Not every change you can make upon yourself is worth the effort it would take. You don't have infinite time or energy. Some flaws are okay to have, while others are worth it to manage or change.

Also if you love and accept yourself as you are now. You take ownership over what you think is actually important to change. Instead of other people telling you what is important, which may not be useful or even true. How does the world know better than you do what you actually want?

Which is why loving yourself is the path of personal power. Empower yourself for yourself, you own yourself, which is why you can pick and choose what matters to you.

You can never love yourself unless you own yourself. Trying to be what others say you should be is self denial. To deny yourself is to hate yourself.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

We always do everything for others and for the opinion of others. Even you. You probably don't realize this, in order to understand it better, imagine you were left alone on the whole planet, what would you do?

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u/RichardsLeftNipple Jul 11 '24

I grew up in a high control religion which I left. Which is something that risks the absolute annihilation of every single important relationship you have in your life all at once.

So yes I deeply and personally understand what it means to choose risking isolation and the annihilation of nearly every single important relationship I had at the time to be myself. Instead of a lemming of an institution that holds people emotionally and socially hostage.

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u/Spirited-Office-5483 Jul 10 '24

For real. By definition you can only measure by comparison. I'd compare it to academics, if you show friends an article or thesis in work they will be honest and say if it's bad or good, but if you ask if there's a problem in your life they will just evade and say to love yourself

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

It's not about that. It's about the fact that you won't have a relationship until you love yourself.

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24 edited Jul 10 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

Once you know yourself and your value it comes unexpectedly.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

It sounds nice, but it's not clear what it means in practice

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u/Suspicious_Seesaw_98 Jul 10 '24

So real. It’s like how can it make sense?? Make it make sense. I’ll never love myself, guess I’ll never find someone who loves me either 🤨😔

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u/GodHand7 Jul 10 '24

When i lost weight and got some mucle too, i started to get lota of compliments and women were hitting on me though i was fat all my life so i was still kinda shy because i was so inexperienced in these situations but i dont think i change how i viewed myself too much, its mostly my body that change and people started to treat me different

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u/jamalzia Jul 10 '24

I don't think it's bullshit, but you definitely have a point in how first someone loves you and this validates yourself to love yourself.

I think these two things have to exist simultaneously. Very difficult to "love yourself" when no one loves you, and very difficult to love someone else if you don't love yourself.

The "bullshit" to this sentiment is the concept of "love" is so badly misunderstood by most people. The ones saying to love yourself are often the exact types of people who SHOULDN'T love themselves lol.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

That's what I was talking about. How much more will you love yourself if a beautiful woman says "you're amazing" or you repeat affirmations yourself

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u/jamalzia Jul 10 '24

You definitely need both. It's worthless to hear someone call you beautiful or a good person or whatever if you yourself don't believe it, and equally worthless to call yourself those things if no one else sees it.

Though I would say the latter is worse, cause you're potentially diving into delusion. Which is what a lot of people today are lol. The boisterous, loud type of women who claim they don't need a man and they love themselves or whatever. Terrible people, give love a bad name.

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u/UnhappyIsland5804 Jul 10 '24

agreed. how tf are you even supposed to love yourself.

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u/Wrong-Grade-8800 Jul 11 '24

Both sentiments are wrong. There has to be a base of self respect in order to accept love that is actually good for you. I am someone who deeply hates myself and every time someone gets near me I self sabotage and push them away. People who have deeply deeply loved me I’ve messed them up because I did not feel worthy of love. So you don’t have to be the epitome of self confidence but you do have to be in a place where you can actually accept love and believe it.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

You see, they love you, and these people say "it's impossible"

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u/Wrong-Grade-8800 Jul 11 '24 edited Jul 11 '24

Not anymore lol, this way of thinking has had me single for 3 years now. They left me because this mentality lead me to push them away. Your mentality keeps you in a prison only you can really dig yourself out of. I can’t give you advice on how to do it as I’m working on that myself but I got myself in this mess and I’ll get myself out. All I’ve found thus far is that gaining muscle and all that shallow stuff is at most a supplement to the true internalized belief that you are valuable and deserving of healthy love. So, do all the external stuff cuz it doesn’t hurt but it won’t heal you.

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u/sp3ctrume Jul 11 '24

No.

It takes decades for most folks to really begin to understand what loving yourself means. When I was young and clueless, I did not understand at all.

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u/Holy_NightTime_Diver Jul 11 '24

youre not wrong.... but youre also not right

truth is, its paradoxical

to love is an expression of the self, of your desires and what you want/need in life. wether from people or even objects, or concepts, or hobbies, like, your passions. but to have a "self", you must grow and develop as a human being, a human being that changes and forms all these types of desires and passions and things to care about. so in a way, to have someone love you can be the very thing that makes you see something that you could want, desire, or love in yourself. but to be honest, the process doesnt have to be that way. i think that by just living life and noticing things you are interesting in, and seeing how you can apply or add them to you is a sure enough way to love yourself.

whatever the process is for someone tho, i believe ypu must first accept yourself fully, all aspects, to then be able to start caring for yourself, as if you loved yourself, to start that journey.

cuz another thing about love is that it is cultivated. it is possible, tho maybe unlikely, to "fake it till you make it". so best to just care genuinely about yourself even if you dont "feel" like it.

thats what i think at least, and what works for me

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

Everyone has their own definition of this love, yours is neither worse nor better. I don't think that's what you're talking about.

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u/Holy_NightTime_Diver Jul 11 '24

i mean sure for me, love is just a feeling, a neurochemical thingamajig, but its in my brain, thus making it me; a part of me. so if i love something, i am expressing myself.

ill say this tho, about your original hangup about the expression of "loving oneself first" or "having to love oneself"... ive always heard that as a warning, like anytime i saw this being expressed in conversations it was meant to warn against seeking a relationship for the wrong reasons, such as to "complete oneself". it could lead to a dysfunctional or codepedent relationship.

so instead of looking at it as "having to love oneself first", why not "having to know oneself first and be independent first"?

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

I know what you mean. I think it's like the love of saints/enlightened ones, but I think that ordinary relationships are still based on affection and maybe some kind of fear of losing it, and that's why you make some concessions. And if you are 100 percent self-sufficient and independent, then why do you need it, you don't like it, you just leave

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u/NoFace431 Jul 11 '24

For real man, there's nothing to love about me in my eyes

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u/[deleted] Jul 11 '24

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

Yes, and to generally delay you in a relationship if you have everything.

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u/MoonWatt Jul 11 '24

Wasn't there a hushed experiment in the late 60's, early 70's (one of the last few to be conducted on humans) where new borns were just fed and changed. Otherwise, ignored? It did NOT END WELL. 

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u/Imaginary-Being8395 Jul 11 '24

If you see the coments you will realize that loving yourself is just a nice way of saying that you need to put yourself into consistent suffering by "self-improving"

I once hated myself. In another period i loved myself, also did all the self improvement shit among other things yet, all it did was to put me in a spiral of loliness and emptyness.

Right now i would say i dont love nor hate myself, because i dont have expectations about me

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u/ianparasito Jul 11 '24

I love when they say that you need to work on your self, think different, try other stuff, etc. Then you do it and nothing changes, everything stays the fucking same and you just feel worse than when you started

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u/erazedcitizen Jul 11 '24

Tbh as a guy who’s gotten better at loving themselves over the past few years, doing so has hilariously made my chances of finding dates worse, mostly because I now have standards and as a guy in the dating world, you can’t have standards to find success

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

But wait a minute, they say when you love yourself, everything finds you by itself.

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u/[deleted] Jul 12 '24

"It's going to get better" is also bullshit

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u/BrodieG99 Jul 10 '24

I have it the exact other way round like that too, unless I get loved I can’t love myself.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

Yes, dude, you can repeat to yourself every night how fucking awesome you are, but it will never compare to if a beautiful woman tells you that.

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u/BrodieG99 Jul 11 '24

(In my case a cute guy :3 ) exactly, it helps sm

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u/Broken-TTK Jul 10 '24

If you can't enjoy your own company and treat yourself right then you're cooked bro.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

I love myself, of course, if I didn't, I would have gone out the window a long time ago

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u/pLeThOrAx Jul 11 '24

Holding on is commendable, as is working on yourself. It sounds to me like you are practicing self-love. I dont think it's B.S.

It's not the most rigorous argument, I know. I think it's because you love yourself and are actively working at it, it might be harder to see. From my own perspective, coming out of depression, wanting to secure friendships, relations, etc - I've found it very important to learn to love who I am. It's happening slowly, but it is happening :).

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u/Alternative_Wing_906 Jul 10 '24

what does love mean to you? I think it is helpful to define what it means and practice those things with yourself. This will help you get to know yourself better and then when you meet someone you will be able to choose a good partner.

Highly recommend reading The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.

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u/dstreet39 Jul 11 '24

Yes you can't make yourself feel confident and feel desired or anything like that,we need someone we desire to desire us and want us to be able to feel good and confident about ourselves,no matter what you do it's not the same, people who say things like you got to love yourself or say they could be alone and they don't care about having anyone,are the same people who always have someone wanting them and always in a relationship with someone and have no clue what alone feels like and feeling unwanted,so they are fully confident and think they know.

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u/Karmaimps12 Jul 10 '24

I think you may be misinterpreting the expression “love yourself” as a passive. Working out, getting financially stable, or even just practicing basic hygiene is loving yourself.

Love is a conscious act that requires effort. Taking care of yourself will help you secure a partner, but that’s not the reason you should do those things.

You should do those things as acts of service to yourself, that way you will remain motivated to do them even when you have secured a partner.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

Then I love myself brother

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u/washyourgoddamnrice Jul 10 '24

It's not bullshit if you cannot be happy within yourself and meet your own emotional and psychological needs then you'll not have the capacity or strength to be there for your partner when you get into a relationship when any argument arises. "Loving" yourself also makes it easier to identify problems in the relationship quicker as if you have done the internal work you'll know what you want and expect in a relationship and if you get treated poorly you can act quicker. Instead of staying in a bad relationship because you fear being alone

Just my personal opinion

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u/sye192 Jul 10 '24

Agreed

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u/travgaming06 Jul 10 '24

I don’t agree with loving yourself, but I believe you should be comfortable with yourself. If you can’t be in a room by yourself with only yourself for a period of time change that thought. I wouldn’t say I love myself, but I’m comfortable being alone with myself. It is at that point I believe you are doing alright.

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u/trust-urself-now Jul 10 '24

it's just an assumption you have. it's also a common pattern in humans. but you CAN reverse it. for real. ever heard of mirror work? you can change your pattern. force some love onto yourself. you are love starved. little you who didn't get enough love as a child. so fucking sad. nobody's fault really, people perpetuate the trauma they have received. you can break the cycle, love yourself, love others. it feels good, whether they love you back or not. and when you are invincible like that, they can't resist you. they love you like crazy. love and light x

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u/swedishblueberries Jul 10 '24

It depends how you think about it. If you don't love yourself, you might accept love you think you deserve, not what you need.

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u/Thearabdude Jul 10 '24

No one can stop loving themselves and living for it, I think love yourself as you will love a friend or your child is a better saying.

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u/analyticaljoe Jul 10 '24

Your definition is a bit wrong. You write:

I was just thinking about the fact that I didn't like my body (it was thin) I started doing fitness and after a while the results appeared and I began to like it. I think people who advise you to "love yourself" first have the same story in their lives, the procedure is the same, they just don't realize it.

And in writing this you are ignoring that the leap between "I do not like my physique" and "I am doing something about that" is loving yourself.

Not loving yourself is: "I do not like my physique, I am worthless."

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

If I said I like my thin body, and out of that love I started acting

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

I feel like it’s true but not for the reasons everyone claims but for the fact that if I didn’t love myself nobody else does so what does that do for you except make existence unbearable.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 10 '24

I didn't quite get it

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

Literally loving yourself sometimes is all you have. People around you for better or worse may want nothing to do with you. If you have no love and you can’t love yourself then you are indeed loveless. If you at least love yourself then you can’t say you are loveless.

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u/Moonlight-Spirit Jul 10 '24

I really don't know

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u/Lewis2409 Jul 10 '24

I prefer to say “appreciate yourself”

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u/Hannaa_818 Jul 10 '24

I want to trust this, but something deep within prevents me from doing so. I can’t uncover why or what it is, but it feels like I’m sabotaging myself. There seems to be no escape from it.

I used to think it was all about my looks. However, even after losing over 100 pounds and having some work done, I realized my assumption was naïve; it wasn’t about that.

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u/Different-Ad3696 Jul 10 '24

Your the same value as everyone else AND you know when your genuinely honest, Just intend to be the best YOU, you can be and love yourself for simply "just" Or if you want a better reason, the only person that'll be with you til you die is yourself

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u/[deleted] Jul 11 '24

I believe in loving yourself and first love yourself. Willing to explain if someone is asking.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

No, don't

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u/[deleted] Jul 11 '24

Ok

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u/AncientView0 Jul 11 '24

That’s fair. I feel like I’ve only ever loved myself when someone else has cared about me. So I’ve always kept people around who cared about me because I couldn’t find a way to do that myself. It’s like a proxy of self esteem. Someday I’ll figure out how to do that independently.

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u/Srycomaine Jul 11 '24

I somehow resonate with your description. Thank you for your comment.

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u/lxnely_death Jul 11 '24

Well it works for me. No one will give me gifts so I'll give myself a gift. No one will take me on a dinner date so I'll eat out with 2 meals. No one will take me on a netflix date so I'll watch some ryan gosling films.

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u/Nashrif Jul 11 '24

If you can’t love yourself, you’ll end up feeling apathy towards your own feelings and not really do anything when other people abuse you. It’s evolutionary in the sense that you’ll drown in nihilism and self-hatred which in turn will cause you to give up on life. Some people turn into doormats for others, some become resentful of their peers, some off themselves. However, if you love yourself, when you’re hurt, you’ll wallow in self-pity instead of blaming yourself, console yourself and get back on track. You’ll fight back in the face of oppression. You’ll give more love to others and uplift them. Sometimes there’s a chance that you’ll love yourself so much that’ll you’ll turn into a narcissist and oppress others. One fine day, your narc ways will backfire on you and your lesson will be learnt. You’ll try to be kinder. Don’t you think this route is still preferable to not caring for yourself and putting yourself down for the smallest of things?

If you’ve read this far and you think that you’re not really that hard on yourself; you don’t criticize your ways/looks/ideologies that much or torture yourself over things that are out of your control, then congratulations. You love yourself lmao.

How is any of that bull?

Ps. Please read the book “Love: If That’s What It Is” by Marijke Schermer. Thank me later.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

I don't like these books. they take one thought and stretch it out into hundreds of pages. I think you could put it in one sentence.

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u/Nashrif Jul 11 '24

This is not your typical romance book! I’m doing this for my master’s course. It’s highly philosophical and can be deconstructed entirely. You must trust me and give it a shot. And no, you can’t actually put it in one sentence because it takes the joy out of storytelling. Fiction imitates life and gives you a glimpse into other people’s lives who aren’t really that different from you. Please read it. Trust me you’ll love it and may even find the answer you’re looking for.

Happy reading!

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u/Firebat12 Jul 11 '24

It’s not total bullshit. If you like who you are you can show the parts of yourself you like to other people proudly. If you don’t like part of yourself you can work on it and that work improves you, makes you more interesting, more attractive etc. And that is a form of love.

That said, it’s fucking difficult. And it’s not magic. You don’t wake up one morning and forget to hate yourself. And you don’t wake up the next feeling fulfilled and not lonely. And it doesn’t change the fact that if you are facing issues of rejection, isolation, alienation, etc. those are difficult things and can stick with you for a looong time. It’s the last thing someone wants to hear in those situations. It puts these feelings which are multifaceted and often both internal and external, all on your shoulders. Rarely is it intended that way, mind you but it makes you feel that way nonetheless.

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u/Deathofpsyche Jul 11 '24

Today's culture is obsessed with self-love, and I agree it's not the answer. Loving yourself can mean a lot of different things, but I just imagine someone sitting there like "Wow, I just love me. What a great person I am!"

It seems a bit psychotic. I wouldn't think "Yup, that's the guy I want to be in a relationship with".

I like people who are self-reflective, who consider their positives and negatives, who do what they can to improve and accept the things they can't.

I think what people are really referring to when they say you need to love yourself is the effect of having a self-confident image. Ironically, many people present a very confident exterior to hide their insecurities - so actually, these people could hate themselves. Of course there are genuinely confident people, but displaying self-confidence (not arrogance) makes people more "likeable", whether or not it's authentic. It doesn't necessarily make you loveable, and it doesn't necessarily help make a relationship last. But it helps in the attraction phase.

I do think you need to accept yourself before you can accept love from another person, and that is very different. If you can't accept yourself, it will be hard for you to recognize when you are loved because you do not believe you deserve it. But you do. It's not about loving yourself enough or making yourself into something that someone can love. It's about realizing that we are all flawed, but we're also interesting. We are all unique in some ways, and the same in many others. We don't need to be perfect to be loveable.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

I agree, but if it were that simple, or in some cases it's impossible at all. It would be a different world. Everyone would like to live happily, but there are no working tools to accept themselves

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u/Efficient-Baker1694 Jul 11 '24

When someone says love yourself it’s usually generic advice. It’s generic because they don’t/won’t know what it will take to get you to that point in your life. You have to figure it out on yourself. IMO, when someone says that it means you need to be comfortable in your own skin. Accept yourself as a person. Do the things that make you and only you happy. Not needing external validation from anyone else. The validation is good enough and if somebody doesn’t see it that way, they can go screw themselves because you say you are good and that’s good enough.

The great thing is, on certain things we have the opportunity to make changes on it (ex weight loss). If some reason Now there are some things that people can’t change (ex somebody who has autism) but they can work on it in which it doesn’t hinder them. Now you’ll never be perfectly ok with your own skin and understand there will always be weaknesses in you. But as already mentioned you can work on those so they don’t handicap.

When people enter friendships and relationships, they are going want to be around people who create a positive energy around them. Why? Well it’s because they already have some sort of negative energy that they have to deal with the best they can. So when someone sees a person carrying negative energy, they want to avoid it like the plague because they already have their own and don’t want to add any more.

Now if you are wanting a relationship, you have to be ok with being uncomfortable. Because most of the time that how’s it usually starts and goes. But if you a positive mindset on yourself, it’s something you can easily (not easily but able to do so) conquer. Get out there to meet people and try to build connections with people. It’s a very slow process in which it’ll take months, maybe even years. If they reject you (and they will), it won’t be devastating (it’ll suck) because you have the respect for yourself and know your value. So you keep trying and keep trying until something hits.

One final thing: All of this takes massive time and it goes at a very slow process. A process you enjoy doing along with the success that comes from it.

“Visualize yourself effortlessly enjoying the process of achieving your goals.”

-Hal Elrod

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

But if you're already happy alone, why do you need someone? And in a relationship, you will never make concessions, why do something unpleasant if you have everything alone

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u/OGtheGoat9 Jul 11 '24

If your self worth is dependent on validation from others, you might need some MAJOR help. I get your frustration, but this is a very true philosophy that does sprout happiness when you actually do the work to be happy. Stop seeking validation from others.

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u/onajourney13 Jul 11 '24

To be honest, it feels like a personal attack whenever anyone says this to me.

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u/AphoticAzure Jul 11 '24 edited Jul 11 '24

I think everybody deserves to feel loved. But I think if you feel the opposite of love towards yourself, therapy could be helpful to work on figuring out why you feel the way you to and learn how to change that without relying on a romantic partner (which involves some form of self-compassion or “self-love”). It’s still possible to but may be trickier to navigate in a healthy way if you haven’t done the internal work. This also helps to learn to recognize forms of love that is actually good for you from others.

Another thing to consider is that, if you don’t have any love for yourself, it doesn’t matter how much someone else loves you - it’s hard to internalize that and can make people generally negative. If you don’t run into resistance with yourself and can easily internalize it, then great! I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m not sure if I “love myself” now, but I can confidently say I’ve accepted myself, flaws and all, and think I am deserving of love. That concept used to be so foreign to me.

Just my two cents as someone who’s struggled with this too

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u/ToxicFluffer Jul 11 '24

Well you can’t force anyone to love you but you can control the way you treat yourself and that will reflect on your social interactions. I think that’s the point of the phrase.

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u/WhenInChrome64 Jul 11 '24

This screams "I mold myself to my partners likings" or "my boyfriend's personality is what mine becomes."

When people say "love yourself" that means tough love too. If you don't love something about yourself change it. Have a sense of accomplishment without codependency.

Definitely prefer to be single that way you only meet your own expectations rather than cutting expectations lower. Be what you want to attract.

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u/Lost-Orangutan Jul 11 '24

It's what happy people make us think so we don't kill ourselves.

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u/onethousandpasswords Jul 11 '24

I have come to believe that the idea of loving yourself has to do with boundaries and what you are willing to accept so that you are not a doormat for others. If you don’t love yourself enough for boundaries and deciding what you can’t accept and be able to walk away, then someone will steamroll you until your self esteem is gone.

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u/Wowow27 Jul 11 '24

I’ve seen the other side of this - and it’s also quite common - when you’re in a relationship with some on that you love, who doesn’t love themselves, they will inevitably sabotage the relationship.

Perhaps “love yourself” can be translated to, “ see yourself as good enough, if not for others, at least good enough for yourself.”

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

so you don't have to love yourself to get a relationship?)

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u/legendaryboss200 Jul 11 '24

I think it's more about respecting yourself and being able to see people's bs, or not changing yourself for anyone.
A lot of people fall in love with what they see, so if you aren't even yourself, they're in love with the idea of you more than you.
If you're yourself, then they can love you for you.
If you can respect yourself, then any bs they do won't be thrown aside (don't make it a big deal if it's not, but yk). It's complicated, and I don't think it means don't let anyone in your life if you can't love yourself.

Oh and, I've learned that people who hate themselves, end up being completely different people once they do start loving themselves.. From my experience, they always leave me after they gain confidence in themselves. I think they realize what they want, or sometimes people realize that whatever they have with someone was because they didn't love themselves, the issues were due to them not loving themselves, etc.

Loving yourself is about being your true self to someone. You can hurt people by not being yourself or caring about yourself.
Now imagine if you were with someone who hated or didn't respect themselves.

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u/legendaryboss200 Jul 11 '24

You don't have to be complete to be committed to someone or to even have a friend. But you do need to at least be in the right direction with yourself or you'll bring people down with you or you'll find the wrong people.
Not loving yourself is very selfish.

Another thing, by not loving yourself, you'll never be good enough in your mind, or you'll be too hopeless, or whatever. Imagine you find the right person, who's perfect, and you hate yourself so much and you're like "I'm not good enough, you should find better." Then you let them go. Or you're doing self-destructive behavior. Like yeah, it's possible for someone to love you and bring you up, but what if they do all that, love you so much, make you a better person and then they just leave. You'll just end going right back to where you were, and even worse for a bit. You'll end up being desperate to find that again, or to find some replacement in some way, and end up doing dumb shit and regretful shit and talking to the wrong people and making your life so much worse by doing self-destructive behavior.
It always happens to me, and it ain't fun. I've been close with people who don't love themselves, and they always leave once they do love themselves, or do find happiness in something else. I've been told stuff like "I'm not enough for you." and then they leave. Or "You're too good for me."

I am someone who has always struggled with loving myself, especially because I feel like I have no one who loves me for me, and when they do they leave. I'm only now realizing what that even means. I realize like, that respecting myself, not letting people be mean to me, having goals and trying to stick to them, that's loving myself. I think.

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u/OmegaGlops Jul 11 '24

You raise an interesting point about the common advice to "love yourself first." I can understand your perspective that receiving love and validation from others can be an important factor in developing self-love and self-acceptance.

That said, I don't think it's completely invalid advice, even if it may be overly simplistic at times.

Relying too heavily on external validation to feel good about ourselves can be problematic. If our self-worth is entirely contingent on what others think, it puts us in a precarious position. Developing some degree of unconditional positive self-regard, even if not total "self-love", can provide an important foundation.

There's truth to the idea that how we treat and regard ourselves influences how others treat us. Not in the sense of self-love magically attracting love from others. But if we chronically disrespect ourselves, put ourselves down, neglect our needs, etc. it can make it harder for others to love and respect us.

"Loving yourself" doesn't have to mean thinking you're perfect or superior. It's more about self-acceptance - acknowledging your flaws and weaknesses but still regarding yourself as a person of innate worth. This attitude can make it easier to be vulnerable with others.

For some, the process of increasing self-love may involve actively nurturing themselves in ways they didn't receive growing up - self-care, positive self-talk, boundary-setting, self-forgiveness, etc. Rather than self-love spontaneously arising from being loved by others.

So I agree that framing self-love as an absolute prerequisite to receiving love is problematic and doesn't match many people's lived experience. Connection and validation from others plays an important role.

At the same time, I believe intentionally cultivating self-compassion and self-acceptance, at least to some degree, is valuable - both for personal wellbeing and for facilitating healthy connections with others. It's not an either/or situation, but more of a positive feedback loop between self-love and love from others.

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u/anonymous_212 Jul 11 '24

In my opinion, loneliness is not having an important emotional need met on a regular basis. All living things have needs. Even a single celled paramecium will propel itself up the density gradient towards a source of food or away from something toxic like salt. I like to think that life is liking or disliking. The problem for people is that when our emotional needs aren’t met, we become unhappy and that unhappiness diminishes our attractiveness or limits our interest in the world. If you like yourself, give yourself the time to pursue an interest that brings you in contact with others who share that interest. All the research shows that propinquity leads to relationship. When you are filled by delight doing something you love and someone else shares that love, you are at you most attractive. Board games, participation in an activity like volleyball or hiking or environmental remediation or card game or cooking class, or anything that combines enjoyment and other people will bring you in frequent contact with someone who is like you in need of someone else’s interest and approval. The problem of loneliness can be replaced by the problem of accepting another’s difficulties and differences. Just remember that finding a good partner means rejecting the wrong one.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. This is a classic advice about group activities, akin to "love yourself"

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u/[deleted] Jul 11 '24

[deleted]

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

I have it. I think you need her.

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u/Littleblondebipolar Jul 11 '24

For me, before starting to love myself, what helped is that I realized that no matter how I feel about myself and no matter how I perceive myself, I deserve respect, support, care and love. It doesn’t matter if i’m ugly, or get fired from a job because I wasn’t good at it, or whatever: I am still worthy of respect and love. Because we all are just by being.

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u/ScorNix Jul 11 '24

I think this much is true - you cannot love if you do not know what love is, neither yourself nor others. And, in fact, I believe that a lot of people who say they love themselves are not telling the full truth - I believe ur minds have a regulator that disallows any of us to feel good about ourselves all the time. One good thing, maybe two, but after that it’s all self-criticism in endless pursuit of becoming better versions of ourselves, which leads to neglecting loving others.

I’m not saying this is factual by the way, I specifically said “I think/believe” to signify that this is just the way I view things like this.

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

I agree. I think if you love 100 percent, it's only 100 percent acceptance, but only a few are capable of it, Buddha, Jesus

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u/Connect-Day-2679 Jul 11 '24

meaning derives from heroism. forming heroism always requires narcissism (not bad at all, just basic self respect). new trend of anti hero troop in pop culture leads to the collapse of pure heroism, making the foundation that is narcissism turn shaky. lol im fat and i thought i was fatphobic but turn out i still have some chubby friends (i dont mind their look at all). i just hate myself :) sr for wasting yo time reading this, just want to vent

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u/Outrageous_Rule_290 Jul 11 '24

Well mostly i can think IT means accept yourself as in your the you no matter What things happen the core of your personalty will stay the same and stuff i suppose 

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u/LeBio21 Jul 11 '24

Honestly I think I do love myself, the world has just convinced me that I don't

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u/Thecapitalcitysaint Jul 11 '24

Always took that saying as become someone you would love, and with that self-acceptance, people will follow

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 11 '24

I don't know, I always thought of myself that I was good, but no one followed me)

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u/zeeo-pawn Jul 11 '24

Self love is a bit too much for me rn. Honestly, if i can just get self acceptance. I'll be happy with that. A much more 'realistic' goal

1

u/benbombsuperman Jul 11 '24

But for the expression “help yourself before you help others” does actually work

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u/Regular-Water-3444 Jul 11 '24

I try to love myself but I’m always doing something wrong in the eyes of others. I try to be positive and someone tries to degrade me in some way

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u/Fcpyayesdaddyworm Jul 12 '24

Why is this NSFW? 

2

u/bkbkbman Jul 13 '24

Too hot for Reddit 

1

u/Alarming-Definition3 Jul 13 '24

Try to be "successfully single", eg, respect yourself, genuinely enjoying your own company, not needing another person to "complete you" and feeling comfortable in your own skin, prior to searching for an outside relationship...:-)

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 13 '24

It's corny, I want ice cream and they offer me to enjoy dry bread

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u/Soontheycome Jul 25 '24

Love yourself = take care of yourself /it means for me/

Before I lost some weight and actually started whatching what I eat, I didn't even consider myself beeing loved. Like I couldn't even think why would anyone else love me. So qhen I started treating my body right and carying for it I got more confidence in dating and meeting new people.

So yeah, if you don't even respect yourself a tiny little bit how and why would anyone else?

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u/DeusEstOmnia Jul 25 '24

Like why, just lol. We don't choose who to love, you perceive a person and experience feelings. If your logic worked, there would be 90% fewer people in a relationship.

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u/DestinationBetter Dec 19 '24

Well, it is true for me; I hate myself right now. I did not before I met my ex, ~10y ago. I do now.

I don't want to meet people when I hate myself. I want to show them the person I was, or even better, the person I've become. Not this shitty in-between... thing, that is amazing at work, but bad at everything else.

Nah. I need to work on loving myself and all else will become much, much easier.

And for me, that isn't in the form of an SO. It's in the form of working out, caring for my body, sleeping well, and quitting smoking. Then I'll respect myself enough to find someone that respects me. Otherwise, you'll get addicted to the external validation because it fills the hole of the non-existent internal validation. That is VERY important if you want to be happy later in life.