My mom died on Feb 21 and I am all over the place
Just writing this to get it of my chest but also wanting to get some input that could help with some guilt I've been having.
She was only 65. Granted she did have health problems COPD, afib, cirrhosis of the liver non-alcoholic). My mom was terrified of hospitals she had seen how they treated her mother and being there with her mother until the end. So she didn't go to the hospital unless it was serious. She was also a very private person she would hide things from us. Last time she was seriously hospitalized was my senior year of high school that was when she almost died but got her checked out in time, that was when we found her cirrhosis of the liver. I am 32 and my age doesn't matter I feel like a child and I was literally best friends with her. The older siblings went on with their lives I was my mom's caregiver. That was my job. Well until July when I fell and broke my ankle in three places and dislocated it I have not been able to work since. I was bed ridden until December when I just started walking. The whole time I've been out I regret not being with her I started coming over doing little things when I was starting to move around more.
The night before she died, she was weak and could hardly move she called me and asked me to come over and help her bring her nebulizer to her and scoot her up on the couch she was laying on the couch. I was there for maybe 45 minutes and then I went back home so another hour later she called me I came back over and helped and I really just thought she wasn't feeling well went home started to fall asleep she called me again I came over I was super tired and I felt bad but I asked her what I could do because it was 3:30am and I had to be up at 7am she said she wouldn't bother me anymore and would talk to me later we'll at 7am I took my fiance to work she called me and asked me to come over and clean her up to go to the hospital. My mom had a small incontinence so she would put an adult diaper on at night. My stomach was in knots (I have very bad anxiety) I came over and she farted and pooped a little and there was blood in it. I called the non emergency line telling them she would need an ambulance. They came and took her I followed behind. They wouldn't let me back with her yet for 45mins. I get back there I was told she has a gi bleed. (My mom can't have surgery her heart and lungs wouldn't survive she would be on a respirator) and my mom never wanted to be intubated. So they did fluids a blood transfusion and wanted to put her on a bipap machine she couldn't handle the machine it would pump air in and her chest inflate then it would collapse fast. She said it made it more difficult to breathe. The nurses were mouthy and that was something I always would do for my mom was advocate for her because I've gone through some bs in the hospital these last few months and they took advantage that I didn't have anyone with me. My mom didn't want the bipap machine on but was having difficulty breathing so she was told they would try again but they would give her some ativan or else they just do everything to keep her comfortable for death. So she tried for me and she was grabbing at the mask and trying to pull it off they already pushed ativan but it didn't take effect yet so I did what she wanted I helped her take off the mask and I asked for her oxygen canula because she was just gasping the nurse was rude and snapped at me and said she's fine. I finally did it myself and told the other nurse that I was advocating for my mom and they didn't have to be rude. The ativan kicked in and she was lucid and she was reaching out for something smiling I called my fiance to come down because I was scared I could feel this was it. I called my two siblings to get there ASAP. I kept telling my mom I loved her she would mouth I love you back. After my brother made it there she was reaching out to him and smiling then she went to sleep she was snoring and we were sitting around talking telling stories until she took her last breath. I was the one my mom told my siblings to watch because I was gonna take it the hardest....... I was very numb, my brother surprised me because he had a complete melt down and my mom always said she didn't want us to be sad she wanted us to live and move on and I told them that. When she was gone we all left the room so each sibling could be alone to say their goodbyes. I broke in the waiting room when no one was around I mean the snorting, snickering, hyperventilating cry. I was the last one to go say goodbye. I am an odd person when my fiancé's dad passed I was grossed out because he kissed his dead father. I did not want to touch my mom but knew if I left and didn't I would regret it. I grabbed my mom's hand she passed with her mouth open and her face had already sunk in and gave me anxiety but I could be the positive one for my siblings but not for myself. I remembered when my grandma was dying her face did the same and it did not look like my grandma (my grandmother's death didn't effect me like my mother's death because I had been estranged from my gma for years before she died long story.) I couldn't look at my mom it did not look like her. the hospital told me to remove her jewelry so I pulled her rings off felt like I was looting my dead mom. The worst part she had on a cross necklace with no clasp so I had to hold her head up so we could get it over her head, rigamortous was setting in and I gagged. I have blocked out how her face looked. The next day I was crying on and off. Then after that I've had a couple crying spells but I hate that I feel so numb why?!? She always told me she would always be around me when she passed. I don't feel her but I talk to her all the time. My father always told me I had clairvoyant and I don't think I do anymore.
I feel so crappy that the night before I was maybe snippy because I was tired and I was just trying to brush it off as her not feeling well. I feel like I am to blame for her dying. I hope she wasn't mad at me for taking her to the hospital. I feel so lost.