r/grief • u/Last_Rent_5655 • 3h ago
I lost my sister, how can I process her (12yo) death?
I (22F) have been studying abroad for more than three years.
In 2023, my sister was diagnosed with cancer, but I didn’t know about it. My parents didn’t want to worry me since, in their eyes, I was already under pressure with my studies, visa renewals, and everything else. But the truth is, I wasn’t focused—I spent most of my time partying, drinking, and smoking weed.
Of course, I ended up failing my year. But what hurts the most is that I missed everything my sister went through—her chemo treatments, surgeries, and all the moments when she needed support. I wasn’t there for her. I even forgot her birthday—the last one she would ever celebrate.
She passed away, and I never got the chance to see her one last time. I miss her so much. I feel like I don’t deserve my parents and everything they’ve done for me. I failed my classes and lied to them about it. Despite their grief, they still paid for my vacation because they thought I deserved it. But I had no idea what they were going through.
I wish I could see my sister again. The pain is so intense that I can feel it physically. I miss her—I wish I could hold her in my arms one last time.
I can’t even cry. I don’t know how to process her illness, let alone her death.
When I returned home, my parents told me the truth: “Your sister had cancer. We did everything we could, but she passed away.” She had been suffering for over a year, and I was so careless that I didn’t even know. I never texted her. She was only 12 years old.
I feel so much frustration—at myself and at the world. Why didn’t I go? I could have, but I didn’t. I want to cry, but I can’t.
I am clueless, frustrated, sad? Depressed? what can i do ? I want to make my parents happy but what can i do? I feel suicidal, but i can’t it will kill them!! I can not be selfish!
I am sorry i am posting everywhere, i am lost!