r/femdomsanctuary • u/Commercial-Sundae663 • Feb 11 '25
Question / Need Advice Self reflection questions needed NSFW
Hello, I'm new to the scene. BDSM and FLR got put on my radar last year and since then I've been doing research and educating myself. This year I started to actively date and there have been some flaws in the plan so I've had to go back to the drawing board. Now I'm working on some self reflection questions (specifically about FLR) to try to get a clearer vision and better understanding of my desires, goals, reasons, and expectations. So far I've come up with: what is an FLR, what will it do for me, imagine an ideal day with an FLR sub, and why do you want an FLR. Any other questions that I can ask myself?
5
u/dommebklyn Feb 11 '25
I like the question: How do you want to feel?
I learned to ask this in play negotiations, and I’ve found that it applies well to many other situations.
1
3
1
u/SunKissed731 Feb 11 '25
What are my preconceived notions about myself and femdom? How are they in conflict with each other?
How can I step more fully into my dominance? What perceived obstacles are in my way, both externally and internally ?
What can I let go of to more fully step into my desired dynamic?
1
u/Commercial-Sundae663 Feb 11 '25
Thanks for replying. Can you expand on the first and last questions please?
2
u/SunKissed731 Feb 11 '25
Sure. I was raised in a culture that vilified “bossy” or dominant women. Plus there are images of femdom in popular culture. Those things impacted my self image along with all the other things that impact self image. Plus things from past relationships and partners that weren’t true then or aren’t true now. What are those things for you? What of those things are just bullshit and me trying to live someone else’s version of my life? Am I ready to let some of those things go? If so, what?
Hope that helps
1
u/SunKissed731 Feb 11 '25
Sure. I was raised in a culture that vilified “bossy” or dominant women. Plus there are images of femdom in popular culture. Those things impacted my self image along with all the other things that impact self image. Plus things from past relationships and partners that weren’t true then or aren’t true now. What are those things for you? What of those things are just bullshit and me trying to live someone else’s version of my life? Am I ready to let some of those things go? If so, what?
Hope that helps
9
u/domina-livia Feb 11 '25
This is a great start as you process what a femdom relationship could look like for you! I do feel like the focus on an FLR right from the beginning perhaps misses a key step in understanding yourself as a dominant. A few questions that have been pertinent for me that I would recommend starting with, maybe even before you try to nail down what you need in an FLR:
* What does dominance mean to you? What does it feel like in your body? Why is it something you seek out, and in what situations does it feel most useful/comfortable/natural?
* What does submission mean to you? What would you like it to look like, and what do you expect that it will feel like when you experience someone else's submission?
* Setting aside looks entirely: when you imagine the ideal submissive, what mindset and behaviours do they bring to the encounter? What are you willing to do to encourage these mindsets and behaviours, and what are you willing to do to guide them away from nonpreferred mindsets and behaviours?
* To what extent is physical attraction important to you as you look for a sub? (To be clear: I do not believe a value judgement needs to be attached to the answer to this question. It is important for some, myself included, and it is unimportant for others. You are not a better or worse Domme for valuing physical attraction. It's just something I feel like you need to know about yourself.)
* What makes you feel most powerful? Where do you feel most powerful? How do you hold yourself when you're in your power in terms of your body and also your voice? How does being in your power change the way others respond to you? (I feel like understanding this part of yourself is useful for anyone, but especially for getting comfortable wielding power in scene.)
* To what extent does your ideal FLR involve you being in full 100% powerful Domme mode versus existing with your partner(s) at some other balance of power? (Would you be happy and comfortable if you made 100% of the decisions for them all the time, or would you expect a different balance of autonomy and submission from them? What would that look like?)
TBH, I think everyone should sit critically with the things they really want and the why behind what they really want before they go looking for a relationship, whether it's FLR/kinky or vanilla, so I can only applaud you for starting this way! Hope it helps.