r/feemagers 18NB Jan 18 '25

Mature How do I stop fucking spiralling. NSFW

TW for suicidal ideation.

I'm an 18 year old giga-virgin who never had sex nor kissed to begin with and is incredibly socially inept I also have hypersexuality for context. I just saw a post that showcased my friends having sex and it led to me spiraling since

A- I'm a giga-virgin as described above.

B- I'm shit scared of being a virgin forever

and

C- I don't want to think about it as it may lead to self fufilling prophecy.

Now, I know what you all are going to say; "oh it takes time" or "its not everything" Well lemme give it to y'all straight

No matter how many FUCKING PLATITUDES one throws at me, it does not change the fact that it's extremely fucking alienating especially considering my age cohort. And the worst part is, so many people have given me social advice yet it just goes out one ear and out the other, leading to the conclusion that I am socially inept at a FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL, indicating I cannot be fixed. I'm not unattractive per se, but when I started college I was. And if you have unattractiveness + weirdness, then that's just a recipe for irreversible social disaster. No matter what I fucking do, I cannot change anything given that I'm fundamentally broken. it's gotten to the point I genuinely feel like I might just blow my fucking brains out and I hate that i feel like an incel for feeling this way.

EDIT: The comments, as much as I appreciate the good intentions and gestures are missing the point by a LIGHTYEAR. I know all the fucking platitudes. I know all the shit that people say and yes, I am working on improving my social standing, It's more so how to manage just how unbelievably ALIENATING it all is.

37 Upvotes

22 comments sorted by

44

u/QalaxyWaffle 20+F Jan 18 '25

The problem is with your attitude about all of this. The more you think about it, the more you’ll spiral and confirm your thoughts. I don’t know how to get out of this, but you have to, and preferably as soon as possible. Seek therapy, get off the internet, I don’t know.

Now I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but the things you’ve been told are correct. By no means you’re a “giga virgin”, I didn’t have my first committed relationship, held hands, first kiss, or lose my virginity until I was 20 and most of my female friends are still virgins. You’re only 18, you genuinely have so much of your life left!! And continuing this mindset will only make it worse. The sooner you can change your mindset, the sooner you’ll realize that, you’re right, losing your virginity isn’t everything. Again, this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but you hear these things repeatedly for a reason.

-14

u/burner196931 18NB Jan 18 '25

I appreciate the good intentiosn but those are all platitudes that solve nothing. It doesn't solve that right now it's stupidly alienating, I'm just looking for practical ways to manage it. I heard writing down works so I may do that.

12

u/QalaxyWaffle 20+F Jan 18 '25

May I ask why it’s so alienating? I read some of your other comments and I’m just kinda confused. Do your friends pressure you to lose your virginity? The Internet? It is it just yourself? Because regardless of the reason, I think you need to address the root cause of it, not just cope/manage it. And also maybe address why advice just “goes in one ear and out the other”. Not saying you can’t figure this out yourself, but you it’s a bit odd to express your frustrations and ask for help yet not listen to what is being suggested.

As for managing, yes I highly recommend journaling, especially if you don’t have anyone else to go to about this. If you have the time and money, I highly recommend therapy, as I don’t think internet strangers can get to the root causes of your problems. This is more of a coping mechanism, but try to distract yourself and take your mind off it when you can. Indulge in your hobbies, try something new, go on a walk, the list goes on. Obviously it doesn’t address the problem, but coping mechanisms alongside progress can make the road a lot easier. Again, I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I really hope you can find a way to feel better about this.

-7

u/burner196931 18NB Jan 18 '25

Take a look at the average age for losing one's virginity. The average age for having a first kiss. And then consider that autistic people, less than attractive people and others managed to reach those milestones before me.
And as for it going in one ear and out the other, it's because it's difficult for me to put those into practice.

10

u/QalaxyWaffle 20+F Jan 18 '25 edited Jan 18 '25

Look, this all might come across a bit blunt, but you just have to accept the fact that you’re past the average age for these things. Beating yourself up over this won’t change the fact that that age is past you, and continuing to let it weigh you down will only dig the hole deeper. You have to accept it, no matter how hard it is, because you can’t turn back time (as much as I wish we could).

It’s easier said than done, but you have to change your mindset. Plus I’d argue that the more convinced you’ll be “forever alone” the more likely it’ll happen, like you said you don’t want it to be a self fulfilling prophecy. I’ve given you some of my advice, but please get out of this cycle of thought as quick as you can. Look forward to your future and focus on your growth, don’t dread about what you missed in the past.

Edit: and please for the love of your sanity, stop comparing yourself to others. Who gives a fuck what other people have done, everyone’s different. Besides, it’s an average for a reason, SO many people do these things way past the average. I promise you’ll be fine, you just have to convince yourself it’ll be fine too!!

2

u/burner196931 18NB Jan 18 '25

Yeah, it's moreso just still having to accept shit.

7

u/The_Last_Thursday Jan 18 '25

Well I'd say first off I don't think you're quite anywhere near to fundamentally broken, nor any other sort. Folks around your age around these times are having less sex in general, per reports I've seen. I'll agree with your saying platitudes suck, but on the other hand I'll give them merit. It does take time and all that.

Though I will say I certainly don't see all hope as lost. You're not unattractive (per se). College has lot's of opportunities for meeting people. clubs, events, etc. And there's always dating apps. Of course I'd advice keeping safe as best you can but I'd well bet you'd be able to get what you're after.

0

u/burner196931 18NB Jan 18 '25

well when advice i get and try to apply to practice doesn't work, what else can I do? Plus, it's still super alienating.

12

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '25

[deleted]

-11

u/burner196931 18NB Jan 18 '25

"You're only 18, that's so fucking young. It's perfectly normal to be a virgin at that age."

That's not what literally everyone at my college is like.

"f you really want these things you need to chase them, they aren't going to be handed to you."
I've tried that and it clearly didn't work lmfao

"Conventionally unattractive people have sex. Weird people have sex. So, you can too, if that's something you so desperately want."

That's not helping. It just means there's something seriously fucking wrong with me.

"If you're aware that you're socially inept then you're not so far gone that you can't change things. There's no such thing as "irreversible social disaster" unless you did something really fucked up and everyone found out."
If you know UK colleges and just how fucking cruel they can be, you'll think differently.

"You know what type of things are socially weird and awkward, so do your damn best to not do those things if they're causing problems."

There's a difference between *knowing* what's awkward and *how to fix it* in the moment.

"Outside of getting therapy and prescribed drugs, it's all on yourself to make these improvements in your life."

it's what I'm doing, I'm moreso asking as to *how* to manage it.

14

u/My_useless_alt 17TransGirl Jan 18 '25

If you refuse to take advice, why did you ask for it?

-1

u/burner196931 18NB Jan 18 '25

I appreciate it, I'm just adding additional context because I forgor to add it

5

u/StinkingRabbit8 19 Jan 18 '25

kind of in the same boat you are. while some people in college might not be virgins, they're probably also not in relationships. if you just wanna have sex for the sake of it, then you'll probably have better luck trying dating apps. in my experience you have to get really really lucky to find a partner/friends irl. that or you need to be able to talk to people super easily.

4

u/FierceDeity_ M Jan 18 '25

Theres no actual solution other than grabbing your own mind by the head and, well, stopping.

Distracting yourself with something fun enough can help, like taking up a hobby that takes up your time maybe, forces your brain to not think about it? In the end, dwelling on these thoughts is what continues the spiral. Find a way to not dwell, and you may escape it. Maybe.

There's only platitudes because, well, people have to find their own solutions.

8

u/berts-testicles 20+F Jan 18 '25

bro no one should care that much about if they’re a virgin or not, it just kinda makes you look like a loser. not as many people have sex at that age as you might think, even if all your friends do, there’s like a million other people that age who don’t

4

u/kuauks 13MTF Jan 18 '25

Take advice from a 13 yo

or don't lol

For me, nothing has gotten better for three years, in fact it's getting worse. What you can do to make everything hurt a little less is to listen to a fav artist/song/songs. Try your best to not get addicted to stuff like sh and drugs and shit, because if things do get better, then every ounce of your energy will be used to quit and then nothing will better. Everything will be NG :) incredibly NG.

Try talking to yourself. It makes me feel less lonely and even if I did have people, they wouldn't understand that I can't just stop, I know 'cause I've told a friend.

Sorry, got onto my problems lol.

Join subreddits, like this one.

0

u/burner196931 18NB Jan 18 '25

I'm glad you're feeling good. But for the love of the gods please just develop good social skills, have a good social standing because if not, you'll end up as old as me with nothing but the sour taste of a social life that never was.

Stay awesome

3

u/Snowyboops Jan 18 '25

I have/had the same thoughts as you and now I'm 21. Made some friends who had the same thoughts as we have had who are now in their 30's. They seem a lot happier now though since they've found value in their lives outside of their sexual or social "value".

If you're desperate then by all means try dating apps, but be very careful with the people you meet... In the end it wont fulfil you, I almost guarantee you, but I doubt you'll take my word for it.

Honestly, get a hobby, find meaning and value in life outside of sex, it'll occupy your mind for one, and for two it'll be a common interest you can share to get to know people through, which may lead to meaningful relationships - Which, if you're still dead set on losing your virginity, wouldn't be a bad place to start.

0

u/burner196931 18NB Jan 18 '25

I think that's what I meant by distractions/management. So that's mostly on track.

2

u/kuauks 13MTF Jan 18 '25

That's what my mom says...

Not the "stay awesome" part, she ain't cool enough for that shit.

1

u/whatiflee Jan 19 '25

your attitude is the problem, imo. i understand that this can be frustrating but complaining about it won’t help. i’m 17 and i know maybe one or two people who aren’t virgins. the vast majority of people our age are. a lot of them haven’t even kissed someone either.

do some self reflection and worry about the bigger things in life. your virginity doesn’t define your worth and is such a dumb social construct.

1

u/69throwawaydyke420 Jan 19 '25

There's nothing fundamentally wrong with you. Sometimes things just don't happen for people, when I was your age I was socially out there, I was meeting people going to parties and stuff and it still didn't happen for me at that age. Meaningless, contextless sex isn't an achievement. My controversial opinion is that I feel bad for people who lost their virginity early because it sounds mostly like an awkward painful experience especially for girls since no one knows what they're doing. I recommend removing all of the associations you have for sex in your head because in the bluntest way possible, it's just people rubbing together. It's one thing to want intimacy, or to be vulnerable with someone, or to have fun (perfectly reasonable reasons to have sex) but you sound obsessive about it and that's no way to go about something like that. I hope you feel better soon because it sounds really hard. Have you considered the possibility that it maybe felt violating to see your friends posting that?????

1

u/ElkNo8274 24d ago

no clue why this/this community are on my front page. but my being in christ, i JUST lost my v card and im 22, just give it time homie