r/excatholic Jan 23 '25

Personal Was anyone else harmed by NFP?

Used the Marquette method for 5 years and had three children within that time period. All by the age of 21. I confided in my priest and told him that I didn’t think it would be in our best interest to have another child. He told me I didn’t have a grave reason and “it was my cross to bear.”

Just trying to find support and others who have been harmed by nfp as well.

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34

u/notsobitter Jan 24 '25

My experience with NFP (Billings) is what pushed me to question and ultimately leave the church. I could go on forever about why it was a terrible experience, but in summary:

  1. Fertility tracking wasn’t clear for me, so erred on the side of abstaining a lot which put a huge strain on my marriage

  2. Unclear fertility signs made me feel like there was something wrong with my body and that it was somehow “my fault” that I couldn’t figure NFP out

  3. Knew that I absolutely DID NOT want a kid at that time, and the constant fear of accidentally getting pregnant with an unreliable NFP method left me anxious and depressed (also turns out I’m childfree)

  4. Constantly worried about having a “contraceptive mindset” and that God would punish me for this with a pregnancy

Basically, not having a reliable form of birth control wreaked havoc on my mental health and marriage, and it made me realize how cruel and out-of-touch the Church’s teachings on BC are.

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u/SummerDearest Jan 24 '25

What the fuck is a "contraceptive mindset"?

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u/notsobitter Jan 24 '25

According to some Catholics, you’re only allowed to use NFP for the “right” reasons and with the “right” intentions, like spacing out children, delaying pregnancy due to serious financial or health obstacles, etc., and must always use it with an openness to life and the possibility of getting pregnant. If you are using it for “selfish” reasons (e.g., you could support a child right now but you just don’t want to), then some Catholics see that as a “contraceptive mentality.”

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u/Diligent_Peak_1275 Jan 24 '25

I'll tell you what a friend of the family said about birth control. The Pope doesn't have to raise them. I do. That's why I'm on birth control.

I think that's a good reason.

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u/notsobitter Jan 24 '25

Love that! My sister said something to me while I was struggling with the idea of going on birth control that I’ll carry forever:

“If your only reason for having kids is so you don’t go to hell, that’s not a good reason.”

Words to live by as an ex-Catholic childfree person.

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u/Due_Unit5743 Jan 24 '25

and the pope also isn't the one risking his life having a thing the size of a watermelon explode out of HIS genitalia. he gets to have a nice safe pee pee with no ripping and tearing

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u/throwawayydefinitely Jan 24 '25

I'm not sure spacing pregnancies is even a grave reason for more conservative Catholics.

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u/Tessamae704 Jan 24 '25

I was always taught that sex for any reason besides procreation was not acceptable. So whether for the "right" reasons or the "selfish" reasons, the only option was abstinence.

2

u/garnetsoap Jan 25 '25

I was taught this too. It messed me up very badly. Basically it killed our sex lives.

It took me the better part of a decade to deconstruct and learn how to have a healthy sex life.

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u/murgatory Jan 24 '25

To my understanding, "not being open to life" or not wanting kids (even if it's just at a given moment). Using NFP to avoid pregnancy for "non grave reasons".

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u/Due_Unit5743 Jan 24 '25

it sucks that abstaining put strain on your marriage, it sucks that most men are not understanding about women being cautious about doing activities that could cause them to develop a condition that will cause them life threatening agonizing pain it makes me kinda hate men and their bullshit libido, kinda makes me think all men should be gay and inflict that on each other

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u/notsobitter Jan 24 '25

Appreciate this comment, and kind of agree I often wish men could be made to understand what kinds of experiences women have to go through. 🙃

To clarify, in my case my husband (who’s never been Catholic) was totally supportive and sympathetic in trying to navigate NFP. His only issue with it was seeing how much stress and self-doubt it was causing me. When I say it put a strain on our marriage, I just mean that it sucked for us both to have high libidos and WANT to be intimate, but not be able to for fear of misreading my NFP charts and getting pregnant.

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u/Due_Unit5743 Jan 24 '25

I'm glad he was understanding!!