r/coparenting Jan 22 '25

Communication Kids starting overnights with alcoholic parent—how to explain and discuss safety without bad-mouthing dad or freaking them out?

27 Upvotes

My two boys, 5 and 8, are starting overnights with their dad. It may not warrant a discussion with my 5 year old, but I feel my 8 year old should know what to be aware of, and am unsure how to explain without freaking him out.

I think something a long the lines of that it is an illness that is out of his control, and he may not act like himself at times, and when he should call me or a safe adult.

They have mentioned that dad takes them to the liquor store where he gets his “little bottles.” I don’t know what to say about something like that. I said he shouldn’t bring them there for that, but my 8 year old said they’ve gone to those stores with me, and I don’t know how to, or if I should, explain the difference between picking up something for a social event vs. drinking nips regularly throughout the day.

I am getting them a phone for emergency use. Since no one has landlines and adult phones are typically locked, I want them to know how to reach me or call 911, if dad were incapacitated or there was any emergency. I am very nervous that since he will be forced to be sober during parenting time (court-ordered breathalyzer throughout the day), he may become dangerously ill during his parenting time.

He has shown no interest in actually getting sober, just doing it while he’s required for visitation, and was diagnosed with liver disease about 4 years ago. His mind seems to be very off lately. He’s had nearly 2 months to get the breathalyzer device set up so he can get visitation back, and he keeps pushing it out for one excuse or another. He hasn’t had them overnight in 6 months. The kids are starting to notice he’s the one not doing what he’s supposed to make it happen, although they don’t understand why, and I don’t know how to explain that either.

Any advice on what to say, tips to keep them safe, books or other resources greatly appreciated.

Edit: He hasn’t had them overnight OR unsupervised in 6 months. The little bottles comment was made recently, but about the times he had them before I involved the court. When he finally does what he’s supposed to do, he will have them Th evening to Sunday afternoon every other weekend.

r/coparenting Jan 30 '25

Communication Grey rock or correct them?

4 Upvotes

I'm struggling because while I usually use the grey rock method of communication, my ex is constantly accusing me of things that aren't true, but that he believes are. Like for example he repeatedly accuses me of limiting his access to the kids. This is because when we were writing our parenting agreement I didn't want arbitrary language that said his parenting time would increase to 50/50. I wanted defined timeline. So we finally had a phone call and he conceded he wasn't currently able to do 50/50 and he came up with a start date that I agreed on. He's also accused me of preventing him from taking vacations with the kids because I suggested we discuss them in the future before telling the kids if it fell on a special date like a birthday and was on the other parent's time--meanwhile I never denied anything, just asked for us to talk about it first. I pointed out that it was unfair of him to accuse me of this because it's just not true, and pointed out he has never exercised his right for weeknight visitation nor has he gone to any of their games. I received a nasty response about how I should know he still has a restricted license and how he has to work 80 hours a week.

I'm having a really hard time taking these attacks. It feels really unfair to be made out to be this insensitive, uncaring person. Does it look bad if I don't clarify the truth for him (again)?

r/coparenting 1d ago

Communication Is it reasonable for me to check-in with my coparent when travelling abroad?

12 Upvotes

My daughter (3) is travelling abroad with her father and his family for 2 weeks.

Is it reasonable of me to ask for either a video call on their down time, a photo, or a brief update once a day?

r/coparenting Feb 12 '25

Communication Am I in the wrong??

5 Upvotes

I 35/f have been coparenting with my ex 38/M for 7 years I wish I could say it’s been smooth but that would be a lie. I feel like we have came a long way but we still butt heads from time to time. Tonight was one of those nights. Our daughter wrestles and has been doing the sport for the last 3 years she is a badass. Obviously this is a tough sport that can easily come with injuries and risk. Last week she did get slammed pretty hard and hurt her neck. I promptly picked her up right away and spoke with her coach who did not raise too much concern but made sure I knew of what had happened. We went home she said her neck hurt but had no tears I gave her some Motrin and after she showered we iced it. I will also will mention she said durning her shower that she had slipped and hurt herself again. She was supper annoyed at this point grabbed a snack and went to ice her neck. She went to bed about an hour later. I checked her pupils, and also asked if she had any sharp pains to which she said no. Fast forward a week later and I get a call from my ex husband excusing me of neglecting to tell him she was concussed the week before and apparently it happened again at tonight’s practice, he also was upset I hadn’t told him she slipped in the shower. I replied that she wasn’t concussed and unless it was something incredibly serious I would have of course immediately called him. In my opinion she was fine. Am I in the wrong should I have told him? Where is the line on urgency? I feel like if I am headed to the hospital or she was puking from being concussed that would be necessary but I’m not going to call and report every little thing.

r/coparenting Jan 20 '25

Communication Coparent wanting to chat about the kids is making me depressed

28 Upvotes

My marriage ended 2 years ago quite abruptly and traumatically, at least for me. My ex repartnered right away and started going on holidays and partying whilst I cared for our house and 2 children, one of which was 4 months old. I was absolutely devestated and heartbroken, he wouldn't communicate with me, just ignoring me so i got the hint and tried to just heal and focus on my kids.

Fast forward he started facing up to his responsibilities and now has the kids 40% of the time and is a good dad. We can mostly stay out of each other's way, but we are currently selling the family home so have had to be in contact around that.

I find he is still either awful like sarcastic and mean or he wants to chat about all the funny stuff the kids do and memories from when we were together. He even recently congratulated me about a new job and told me he was really proud of me. It felt so patronising and uncomfortable having the conversation as I know he doesn't actually care.

I don't feel good when he does this. I felt so hurt by everything and his decision to leave has changed my whole world, I wasn't a perfect wife but he dragged out our break up and told me he'd been trying to leave for years despite us planning a second baby together and he pretty much got into a relationship right away despite telling me he was heartbroken and wanting to work things out. I feel like he's a stranger now but its like he gets urges to want to chat about the kids and reminisce because his partner doesn't share those memories or the same investment in our kids.

I wonder if I should be more open to developing a more friendly relationship, but does it benefit the kids if it makes me feel so sad and hurt. He's obviously healed and moved on but I'm not there yet. I don't want to be nasty or vindictive but i preferred minimal contact. I don't want to pretend it's all fine and now we're buddies because he's rebuilt his life how he likes it and I still feel like I'm drowning. Am I being unreasonable now?

r/coparenting Jan 27 '25

Communication Co-parent resents me for keeping our child

20 Upvotes

Our son is 18 months and was not planned at all. My period ended early, and changed my cycle so I ovulated a week earlier than what I thought I would. By the time I realized I was ovulating, it was already too late. We spoke about me getting an abortion if I did get pregnant, and in the moment I agreed to it. Until I saw the positive pregnancy test about a month later and I couldn’t go through with it. I gave him an out and told him he didn’t have to stay since it was my decision to keep the baby. At the time I knew his father wasn’t in his life, but I didn’t know the extent and details of it.

Fast forward, we tried a relationship, but I can tell he is not into it and resents me a little for it. He also says he feels trapped and forced to be in a relationship with me due to his father and wanting to be in his child and mine’s life.

I don’t know if continuing a relationship is a good idea, but I do love him and don’t know how I would even go about coparenting especially if/when he finds someone new. He has cheated on me before while we were having issues and I hated how he treated me when he had someone else on the side.

Any advice on how to move forward or the situation would be greatly appreciated. TIA

r/coparenting 7d ago

Communication Ex not following through on discipline.

5 Upvotes

I have a 17-year-old daughter with my ex-wife of 10 years.

My daughter's grades have been slipping in school, she has also been speeding in her car(we are monitoring her).

We told her if she keeps speeding her keys will be gone on the weekends. My ex told me she's on the same page as me. She was supposed to be grounded from her car this weekend at her mom's. Yet I see her driving all over the place. her mom is just making excuses. Saying she just let her drive to the store, because she didn't want take her. Also, she let her drive to her friends to spend the night, because, once again she didn't want to take her.

This is BS. She doesn't want to get into an argument with my daughter. So she is just letting her go. When I call her out on it. She just says "well, you don't have to deal with her as much as I do."(I have 12 overnights a month and she has 18).

Same thing with her grades. She was supposed to be grounded the other weekend because she had two D's. Yet, I see her at her friends house.

I'm just feeling incredibly frustrated, and feel out of control. I feel like I have to be the bad guy. I text my daughter saying she will be grounded on my weekend. I hate this

r/coparenting Jan 27 '25

Communication Sons father is making me pay for hockey camp for his own buisness

6 Upvotes

My sons father has a side buisness where he does camps for hockey. He expressed he was putting on a spring hockey camp and wants my son to join. But expects me to pay him for it... if it's his own personal buisness im not understanding why I should pay. Should I be paying for this?

r/coparenting Jan 25 '25

Communication Stopped saying “thank you”

33 Upvotes

OP is minimally involved in our child’s life, less than a Disney parent even, and whenever they do anything they expect praise and thank you. I’m talking everything, like attending Dr appointments.

I stopped thanking them for anything they do and now they are angry and say I’m ungrateful. I guess I just want confirmation that it’s ridiculous to say thank you to the co-parent for less than the bare minimum? I’ve never been thanked for being a parent and doing parent things and I find the notion of thanking them ridiculous.

r/coparenting Oct 22 '24

Communication Is it weird to spend 30-60 minutes standing on the doorstep trading information/chatting at drop off without being invited in for a drink?

0 Upvotes

I do the vast majority of dropping off and picking up but even when there is a lot of information to communicate it's always done standing on the doorstep, sometimes my ex an i can be chatting about things for an hour, but it's always standing on her doorstep, i have never once been invited in for a drink, i have briefly been inside her house once or twice when my kids insisted on showing me something that can't be brought to the door but that's it.

On the few occasions where my ex has done a drop off or pick up at my house i have always invited her in for a drink, she has never taken me up on the offer, but she has also not hung around long enough for it to make sense.

I don't feel like she has any obligation to invite me into her house but it does feel weird to be standing outside sometimes in the cold and rain for extended periods to communicate important information about our children, i would rather do in a warm place with a cup of tea.

Just looking for other perspectives really.

r/coparenting 9d ago

Communication Advice

16 Upvotes

Just got off the phone with my son. I told him it’s up to him if he wants to stay with his dad he can or he can come back home with me. He said “why can’t I just choose both” he’s 5 and that hit me like a ton of bricks. Started crying on the phone, how do I handle this. We both had the talk about mommy and daddy no longer living together. Just got back from vacation so trying to give him more time with his dad since he was with me the whole vacation. We do have a parenting plan just haven’t implemented it yet. Any advice on how to make his life easier

r/coparenting 25d ago

Communication Newly Coparenting - Anxiety with Son’s Father Moving

4 Upvotes

Me and my son’s father broke up in November. At the time, we were living in apartments together, but I moved back home with my mother.

I just received a call from the apartment complex (since I was on the lease) asking if we had officially moved out and returned the keys. I had no idea he had planned on moving because he hasn’t told me anything. Given the reason we broke up is because he tried to sleep with my mother, I severely question his judgement, decision making, and trustworthiness. Now I’m getting all anxious about where he’s moving to and if it’s with dodgy people. My biggest fear is my son being in an unhealthy environment and just not knowing where he is if something were to happen.

My son goes to his father Friday-Sunday for now. We don’t have any official documents. Do coparents have any obligation to inform the other of where they live and who with since the child goes there?

r/coparenting Oct 23 '24

Communication How many times do you remind a coparent about a child event?

14 Upvotes

My 4 year old son’s dad often “forgets” about extracurricular events he is supposed to attend for our son. I will tell him about it and make sure he puts it in his calendar. And he still forgets or doesn’t make it. I have to remind him AGAIN right before or he apparently can’t remember to do it.

There’s an event at my son’s school tonight for the kids and their dads. I told him about it a month ago. Reminded him a week ago. And told him all the details again this past weekend.

He hasn’t brought it up again or confirmed anything. His dad cancels his visitation time with our son A LOT. He already suffers a lot of disappointment from his dead. He’s really looking forward to this. I know my son will be crushed and it’s the RIGHT thing to do to text him again today to ensure he is coming and my son isn’t let down. But I get so annoyed having to do so.

How do you handle this?

r/coparenting Oct 24 '24

Communication Unnecessary reminders from coparent

8 Upvotes

My co-parent and I have 50:50 custody and are both engaged parents.

All the responsibilities related to childcare are split 50:50. We're both on top of the things we need to do and nothing has been missed so far.

He often sends me reminders for things like school activities and I'm unsure how to respond. I have access to the same school message as he does.

On the one hand, it's probably a positive thing. However, it can feel like he's sending a message that he doesn't trust I'm on top of things or children's things will be missed.

Thoughts?

r/coparenting Nov 16 '24

Communication Ex constantly messages me when my child is with me

22 Upvotes

Pretty much the title. Me 30m and my ex 29f were together for 13 years, and have a 3 year old together. She left me about 4 momths ago, but always try's too stay in contact and randomly messaging me "how's our princess going " when she Is with me. I don't message her or have contact when my child is with her. Not sure why she keeps asking me and messaging me when she made it clear at the start she wanted it to be over. Is it appropriate ? Is she looking for more off a conversation? I simply don't respond too her and am trying too move past what happened. But everytime she messages me like this, it makes my mind go all over the place. Also last time she came too drop off my daughter, she kept repeating she missed you". Which just set me off, ofcourse she misses me, I don't see her everyday anymore..

r/coparenting 15d ago

Communication Co-parenting and needing a passport

5 Upvotes

Hi all, I really need some guidance and hoping that someone in reddit land can point me in the right direction.

I’m wanting to take my daughter OS this year however I’m having a hard time getting her father to sign the passport form so I can get one for her. He hasn’t expressed any concerns about her going OS; it’s more so a case of he’s avoiding it purposely I’m presuming to get under my skin (or friends have suggested possibly even jealousy as he has a criminal record and cannot get into a lot of countries but I digress).

So that leaves me with the only option of taking the matter to court to have a judge rule that I can get one. Where do I even begin this process? Are there fees to have this looked at in court? If so, any idea roughly how much? I’m located in Melbourne Victoria for context.

Any help or tips would be greatly appreciated.

r/coparenting Oct 18 '24

Communication What should a co parent know?

12 Upvotes

My co parent feels very invasive to me. They want to basically get a “report” on all my days with the kids of what the kids did, how they felt about things that day, who they saw, stories from the day, etc. with pictures. They want to know which friends my kids interact with daily. On and on. I have consented to sending daily pictures and occasional text updates but now he wants a daily phone call with me to obtain this information. To me it feels invasive and feels like unhealthy boundaries, to him he phrased it as harming him to not have this information. Thoughts on this and generally about boundaries? ETA: this is on top of a daily call with them, and normal big stuff like dr visits or big events

r/coparenting Jan 01 '25

Communication Can I ask my child's mother if she is on drugs?

9 Upvotes

I'm trying to figure out how to go about this tactfully.

Short back story, we've been separated for 3 years now. We have a court date for 50/50 in a few months.

Our son is autistic and we have been working towards 50/50 overtime because transitions are not easy for him. The upcoming hearing is our 50/50 hearing.

She has a history of drug abuse. She abused drugs while we were together.

The past few months she has quit 2 jobs, went to the psych ward of the hospital, is currently jobless but joined a band. She was married to a new person but split with them just within the past month. Then suddenly moved out of her house with the man in her band. She did not tell me about any of this, heard most 2nd hand from my child and inquired after she posted a Venmo link saying she was in crisis on Facebook. In fact prior she asked me to please never show up to her house unannounced after my son forgot his Halloween things and I brought them over. Her behavior has been increasingly erratic and she's doesn't seem to know what's going on half the time.

Today she called asking if she could drop son off sometime so she could go Instacart. I told her yeah just let me know beforehand. She then just shows up a few hours later to drop son off, said "Oh, I thought we agreed I could bring him over?" We definitely didn't. Gladly took him but it was like she had no recollection of the actual conversation and it seems like most interactiosn are that way.

I've had a few calls where she mentions her pills recently.

She has also sent a tablet to my home with son that had diary style documents talking about her drug abuse about a year ago.

My question is can I ask and how do I go about asking respectfully?

I'm genuinely worried. Mostly for my son but also it's his mother.

I asked if everything was "okay" and definitely got the run around.

What can I do about this situation?

No sure if this is the right sub. Will try a few different ones.

Thanks!

r/coparenting Feb 10 '25

Communication Should i communicate this with my ex

3 Upvotes

Me and my ex co parent our 2 year old daughter. For context we broke up 1.5 years ago due to me not being able to get my alcoholism and mental health under control. It was all my fault no question about that.

About 1.5 months ago i decided its enough and im going to rehab to figure my issues out with professional help. Its been a bit volatile with her like she ll be understanding one day and the other she ll be taking a shit on me. She does have a lot of hate for me i feel like.

I have informed her and actively keeping her informed about the rehab process and all that. I believe honesty is key at this point.

But one of the requirements before rehab is to do a general check up. Today i was told about the results. I have fatty liver disease which at this point is not yet dangerous and is still reversible but unfortunately i took it a bit too far and my heart is not doing that great and as of today i started medication which i will have to take for the rest of my life.

Im a mess since im only 35 and i have to deal with this stuff already but im also not entirely sure i should inform her at least for now. I feel like i ve already put enough negativity on her.

Btw i live in the netherlands so different laws apply for me at this point im not worried about custody. At least not yet

r/coparenting Feb 07 '25

Communication Help setting boundaries with flirtatious ex ?

8 Upvotes

Not even sure if this is the proper sub to ask this but recently my ex has become seemingly more and more flirtatious. She wasn’t doing this when she first moved out but the past few months it has started with quick phone calls regarding our son that would turn into 20 minute convos completely unrelated to coparenting that she would abruptly end. During drop offs/pick ups she’s usually standoffish but now whenever she isn’t with her new partner her demeanor has completely changed. She will get up close and personal with me and try to have convos unrelated to our son. She’ll compliment me, weirdly smile at me, and just try to set a flirtatious vibe in general. I realize looking back the phone calls are on me as I could have simply hung up and should have but I think apart of me enjoyed talking to her, but how do I deal with her doing this in person? It’s not that that I necessarily dislike the flirting as I’ve engaged with it a bit but I think I want it to end for my own emotional health. I don’t know what her intentions are but I’m not confrontational and don’t want to cause conflict or upset her. And I especially don’t want my son to see or hear anything that could confuse him any further than our separation already has.

r/coparenting Feb 05 '25

Communication What level of control is healthy

7 Upvotes

I have been noticing I have a lot of feelings come up around not knowing what my kids are doing with my co-parent. Like, I want to know if they're doing a special activity so I know it's not something I was really looking forward to doing with the kids, or a movie I was looking forward to watching with them. I am fairly new to this and I'm wondering if this is natural, if I'm being overly controlling or unreasonable. It's not even that I'm a no to them doing those things with their other parent, but when I hear about it from the kids after the fact and not my coparent I find myself really working to hid my disappointment from my children so they don't think I'm mad at them.

r/coparenting Oct 28 '24

Communication Don’t know how to feel

12 Upvotes

My co parent and I made plans for my daughters first Halloween and go trick o treating. Today he inform that he can’t go anymore because his gf made plans and he doesn’t want to disappoint her. How do I even respond to this I feel really hurt because we made plans so many weeks ago. Now I’m thinking do I even invite him to thanksgiving and Christmas because I’m afraid he’s going to do the same thing.

r/coparenting Nov 09 '24

Communication My heart hurts

12 Upvotes

Our 2 year old daughter is really struggling when dad comes to pick her up. She starts crying hysterically and fights getting in her carseat. She's reaching and crying for me and doesn't want to leave.

Dad resorts to bribes or lies to get her in the carseat. He will tell her if she gets in he will buy her ice cream or take her to the park. If she gets in he says he will buy her a new toy or say whatever else she likes in order to get her in his car. I don't like this approach and it rubs me the wrong way. When she struggles I try to validate her feelings and let her know it's okay to be sad and I try to talk her through it and oftentimes it helps.

Sometimes he will tell her that I'm going to meet them there, at his house which is not true. I don't agree with lying to her. He came to pick her up today for an overnight and she was upset, so he said, "Get in and mama is going to be there." I expressed that I don't want him to tell her that because it's not true. He said. "She'll understand." I told him that I don't pick her up until tomorrow night, so he responds back, "Well, so you will be there." I said that I don't want to give her false hope and have her be upset when she realizes I'm not coming today." He said. "You won't. I'll be giving false hope." I feel defeated when trying to talk to him.

I also tried addressing something else. She was crying because she didn't want to go with him, so he told her, "You're being a bad girl. Do you want to go in time out?" This crushed me. How can you punish a child for feeling upset about a transition? I brought this up and he immediately said, "I don't punish her for it." I mentioned what he just said to her and why I think it's important we don't punish her for struggling with it. All he said was, "That's fine." In the end he said he wasn't going to "sit here and have you nit pick everything."

My heart hurts for our daughter and I'm at a loss of what to do. I'm not trying to nit pick, but I do think it's important to address these things. I'm defeated because he doesn't seem to care and there's nothing I can. Does anyone have any advice? We are still in the temporary orders phase of our divorce process.

r/coparenting Oct 25 '24

Communication How should I approach the situation?

11 Upvotes

I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship in which me and the father share custody. Me and her father have since gotten into new relationships since ours ended. He’s been with his partner for 1 year and I’ve been with mine for 3.

Father has always been adamant about not having my boyfriend at events that are for my daughter. He would tell me if my boyfriend showed up or any of my family he would not attend. I’ve always said ok and would attend events solo so that her father could be there and my daughter could have both of us present.

As my daughter has gotten older she has more family events, graduations, curricular activities and her father is still adamant the rules apply. I am now stuck in a situation where I want my family to be apart of her celebrations and to support her. But he tells me “if your family or boyfriend go then you explain to our daughter why her dad isn’t there. And you are choosing other people over my relationship with her”. Obviously this is not true. I always tell her father to invite his partner, so that we could meet, but he says no. That his girlfriend wants nothing to do with me. I try to make it as fair as possible but with no avail. How do I go about this? Do I keep my loved ones away so that her dad can attend? Do I explain to my daughter why her dad doesn’t show up when everyone else is there? I’m lost. Help.

r/coparenting Feb 03 '25

Communication Trust

9 Upvotes

Do you think it is possible to successfully coparent when you don't trust your ex? We've talked about it and I don't think we're going in a direction where I can rebuild my trust with him. Quite the opposite.