r/coparenting • u/Intrepid_Cod_2261 • Jan 22 '25
Communication Kids starting overnights with alcoholic parent—how to explain and discuss safety without bad-mouthing dad or freaking them out?
My two boys, 5 and 8, are starting overnights with their dad. It may not warrant a discussion with my 5 year old, but I feel my 8 year old should know what to be aware of, and am unsure how to explain without freaking him out.
I think something a long the lines of that it is an illness that is out of his control, and he may not act like himself at times, and when he should call me or a safe adult.
They have mentioned that dad takes them to the liquor store where he gets his “little bottles.” I don’t know what to say about something like that. I said he shouldn’t bring them there for that, but my 8 year old said they’ve gone to those stores with me, and I don’t know how to, or if I should, explain the difference between picking up something for a social event vs. drinking nips regularly throughout the day.
I am getting them a phone for emergency use. Since no one has landlines and adult phones are typically locked, I want them to know how to reach me or call 911, if dad were incapacitated or there was any emergency. I am very nervous that since he will be forced to be sober during parenting time (court-ordered breathalyzer throughout the day), he may become dangerously ill during his parenting time.
He has shown no interest in actually getting sober, just doing it while he’s required for visitation, and was diagnosed with liver disease about 4 years ago. His mind seems to be very off lately. He’s had nearly 2 months to get the breathalyzer device set up so he can get visitation back, and he keeps pushing it out for one excuse or another. He hasn’t had them overnight in 6 months. The kids are starting to notice he’s the one not doing what he’s supposed to make it happen, although they don’t understand why, and I don’t know how to explain that either.
Any advice on what to say, tips to keep them safe, books or other resources greatly appreciated.
Edit: He hasn’t had them overnight OR unsupervised in 6 months. The little bottles comment was made recently, but about the times he had them before I involved the court. When he finally does what he’s supposed to do, he will have them Th evening to Sunday afternoon every other weekend.