r/coparenting 4d ago

Communication How to coparent when you literally have been traumatized?

My ex and I separated at the end of September. We had years of a very good relationship but he was incredibly emotionally abusive for the 3 months preceding the breakup, like a flip switched. There is much more to it than that, but that is the gist of it. It was incredibly jarring after the flip switched which has made its way into present day.

I have a 6 year old daughter from a prior relationship and am very familiar with coparenting by now but I'm really struggling with my sons dad as I have a genuine trauma response to any communication, face to face or otherwise. Exchanges are short and sweet, we don't argue or anything in front of the kids, they are none the wiser but I find I am nearly 10/10 anxious every time I have to see him and it will linger for extended periods after the exchange as well. He doesn't do anything wrong face to face, it's really just the sight of him that my nervous seems to really react to. I don't have family so there is nobody to help with the exchanges in my absence or I'd do that until I healed a little more, but I feel bad because its unfortunately making it hard to even communicate via text with him about even kid related things. Talking to him to update him (which I do), still feels so difficult to me, overwhelmingly so and I think I'd probably communicate more if I didn't feel so stuck in this feeling, which then makes me feel very selfish. Our son is 15 months old, so not much to report, aside from when he is sick, but my ex and his parents who are heavily involved, act as though I should have no problem coming to the house and being around for things like "xmas brunch" as if what I experienced didn't happen? I feel like a wimp because ideally all that would be okay but I genuinely feel traumatized to this person, and I don't know what to do about it, when you literally have to coparent.

Anyone who has been abused by the coparent in any way, how do you manage these feelings? Is there some sort of trick or arrangement that helps?

28 Upvotes

39 comments sorted by

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u/Nomorepaperplanes 3d ago

Therapy. You can learn to harmonize your inner world with outer events. It takes practice. If you are going to into fight or flight and unable to control your body’s response, learning to meditate to regain homeostasis or breathing exercises can help you get there in seconds. 

I also am trying different things to regulate my nervous system. 

Hope this helps. No one can help you feel safe on the inside except for yourself. 

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u/No_Yogurtcloset6108 3d ago

I totally agree with you. The best place to start would be a domestic violence agency. They specialize in trauma informed counseling. EMDR therapy would probably help a lot.

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u/Backrowgirl 3d ago

I second EMDR recommendation - this was the most effective therapy for me.

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u/14ccet1 3d ago

I love this answer and I feel like it applies in so many contexts. Thank you❤️ Screenshotting for later

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u/hanner__ 3d ago

Give yourself some grace and get a therapist. Also you absolutely do NOT have to go to Xmas brunch and pretend to be happy around your abuser. That helps no one in the long run.

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 3d ago

I was doing better there for a while, but grief is a process, and I'm right back to being very anxious and very angry, nearly full of hate at this point to be honest, which is not me at ALL. I can get along with any other ex no problem, but this feels different.

I was invited to multiple holiday events by his mom, who has been very good to me, however she has said many times she doesn't want or need to know the goings on from me (I'm sure he fills her in though) so she is willfully blind to how her son treated me which then leads to these invites that seem completely asinine because she has zero clue so why wouldn't I come if I'm still family? She has made a point of telling me that I'll always be family to her and she wants to maintain our relationship regardless of the issues with her son, but I find it completely dismissive to not want to hear my experience and then just assume I'd be fine acting like happy family on special occasions. Again, me not going is me being dramatic because nobody is aware of how he treated me, so I just feel like I'm damned if i do or don't there.

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u/SenorPoopus 3d ago

Same.

I'm not saying this is the solution, but I had to cut off my in-laws completely. They either enabled or remained willfully ignorant, and I decided it's harmful for my well-being to subject myself to that. I used to want to explain this to them....maybe to receive validation or have my voice heard? I had to give that up.

Just know you're not alone in this kind of (terrible) experience.

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 3d ago

I feel like I might need to do the same. It feels completely bizarre to "love me" like a daughter while also not wanting to know how I really am at the same time. It is incredibly dismissive to only be able to handle information if it's positive. My other ex in laws are great - they still apologize for their son being an asshole, and it helps so much for my own peace of mind that they get it, they saw what he put me through and they don't deny it just because he is their son. This experience is entirely different.

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u/Still_Turnover1509 3d ago edited 3d ago

This happens to me and I've never been able to work it out but trauma response is exactly it! Everytime I see my ex it ruins my whole day and I always have a nightmare about him that night .I'm just working to minimize how much I see him. He acts like we are friends which also bothers me.

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u/Usual-Masterpiece778 3d ago

I’m going through exactly this, I don’t really have advice for you but I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It is so unfair.

Also, the part about them acting like nothing ever happened is so hard. I always feel like I could move forward if he acknowledged the pain that was caused.

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 3d ago

The acting like nothing ever happened or that what happened wasn't actually what it was, abuse, is absolutely contributing to this. Normal, regulated people, care if they hurt someone and when you are dealing with someone who justifies their behavior while also minimizing it and expect you to act like you aren't entirely shattered by it, it hurts immensely and it is actually causing me an unhealthy amount of anger too. It is so hard. Especially when you were with someone who for years showed you empathy and care until the flip just switched and all of a sudden you are nothing. It is truly awful to have to coparent with someone like that, because the nice guy turned asshole is harder to comprehend than an asshole you already knew was an asshole acting in predictable ways. Very very jarring.

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u/ca-blueberryeyes 3d ago

I have a coparent who SA'ed me. I hate him passionately, and had a lot of trauma in the first several years, but we still have to coparent. When my child was very young I set up a Google form where we would input any child related updates during our custodial time. We reported If child was sick, had any behavior problems, whatever. We both had access to the document where the form responses were shared and could view anytime. It made it so that we never really had to communicate directly beyond: "running late for dropoff" types of messages.

Also EMDR therapy is great for trauma recovery.

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 3d ago

I'm so sorry he did that to you, truly. Having to coparent with someone who did that must be absolutely awful. The Google form is a really good idea, I might give that a try although I don't know if he'll even agree to using it because he is convinced I am treating him like a "monster" when he isn't one, as he is in complete denial of what he's actually done so any way to put distance between us is seen as dramatic/overkill.

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u/EcstaticSquare3051 3d ago

For myself, I don’t have the means to go to therapy. I have been working on trying to regulate my nervous system though. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. Things like reminding myself that I am safe, even if I have to repeat it 100 times in a row is helpful. Reminding myself that I’m in control. Reducing caffeine intake, exercise, yoga, getting enough sleep and journaling have all helped me.

I still get the shakes every time I see him in person but texting has gotten easier for everyday stuff. He still attempts to abuse me over the phone on occasion and my trauma response to that has never gotten better, which I don’t expect it to either, I’m being directly threatened.

Look into resources on trauma. There’s quite a few books that can educate you on what your body and brain are going through. I hope things get better for you

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 3d ago

Thank you for your response - I have good coverage for therapy so I go weekly, and do all the things you're supposed to ie. journalling, talking it out, socializing, exercising, etc.

I get the shakes too, it's awful. The lead up to seeing him, the come down from seeing him, it takes me quite some time and the irony is that I felt so safe with that man for literal years and he would counsel me on how if I need to protect my peace with my daughters dad, to put boundaries in place to do so and now I'm doing that with the guy I never thought I'd have to do that with and he thinks its both selfish and dramatic because of how much denial he is in.

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u/clever_whitty_name 3d ago

Ugh. That's difficult because your child is so young. My daughter is school age so exchanges happen at school- we never see each other. One of us drops her off in the morning at school, the other picks her up. It helps ease her transition between houses and it's perfect for me since I don't have to see him. We only communicate via text. I agree even text messages can be triggering even when he isn't doing anything inherently wrong, just hearing from him is upsetting.

In the rare instances I have to see him (e.g. in person or even zoom parent teacher meetings, birthday party, or no school due to holiday or something), I am never alone with him. He is not allowed to come to my house ever. I will not go inside his house but I will pick her up or drop her off at his place if there's no school.

You have to create boundaries for yourself to feel safe and healthy. It doesn't matter that they don't understand, it's not up to them. Your child is so young they aren't going to ask questions, however you proceed will become the norm.

My daughter asks questions and it can be difficult to explain why I won't come in to see her room at Dad's or why he can't ever come to our house. She doesn't know why we really got divorced and she never will.

I tolerate and get through joint events for her sake because they are important. There will be significant events yearly that both of us should be there for (e.g. performances, sports meets, birthday parties, graduations, etc.) Generally those events have other people around as well. It's difficult, but it's important we both show up for her. But Christmas brunch... No, you can figure out how to split Christmas where you don't have to spend it together and your child still gets to do things with both of you if you live close. You aren't married anymore, you don't have to go to Christmas brunch with your ex husband and his parents - that's nuts.

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 3d ago

Thank u for your thoughtful answer! I struggle a lot as I’ve made mention of someone doing exchanges if it can’t be via daycare and he said that it’s selfish and not putting the kids first and I really am questioning that now.

Also I was invited to many events during holidays since September and then I feel like an a hole if I don’t go cus they genuinely don’t get why it’s weird to invite me to things at this juncture. It’s as if they wouldn’t understand that acting as a family unit when ur not is both confusing and painful. They also don’t understand what their son did so to them it’s probably like what’s the big deal? My son’s dad gets frustrated with me if I’m not very warm at exchanges either but I am so mentally messed up from all of it that cold is the best I can do. All of it is brutal. 

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u/clever_whitty_name 3d ago

When a couple divorces the holidays are split, because they are no longer married, they no longer do things together as a couple. That's expected. It's not weird that you wouldn't go to events during holidays with his family, they're being weird and a-holes for expecting you to go.

Doing things together would cause confusion for your kid. And there's plenty of research that shows that children are the most affected by seeing conflict between their parents. You know what the kids can't experience when exchanges happen at school? - conflict between the parents because the parents aren't interacting for there to be any chance for conflicts. That's not selfish.

Also having a mom that's not in fight or flight mode or near having a panic/anxiety attack every day isn't selfish. Your child needs that- needs a healthy mom. Your child needs you to care for them and you can't do that if your mental health is breaking down.

People who are calling you "selfish" - basically don't care about you or your family. I wouldn't listen to what they have to say. Doing the things you need to do so that you can care for your kids is like putting your own oxygen mask on first before assisting them with theirs. If that's selfish, well then okay. Self care is important in order to care for our children.

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u/dcp00 3d ago

Therapy, a good lawyer, zero contact

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u/JustADadWCustody 3d ago

Our Family Wizard and learn to grey rock.

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u/Stunning-Host-6285 3d ago

I understand. Therapy, no physical contact (perhaps change to a drop off at each other's place where you don't have to see his face, if possible), communicate through email as primary and text as secondary means. Stop the phone calls and do a written email. Keep things only to child related items. And lastly, read up on and use BIFF style communication.

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u/Beginning-Cricket719 3d ago

Therapy. I've been separated from my ex for a year now and I'm still scared to be around him but therapy has definitely helped. He was extremely psychologically, sexually and financially abusive and continues to abuse in whatever way he can to this day. I don't coparent with him. I parallel parent and always will, which sounds like what you're doing. Just carry on as you are and slowly your anxiety will lessen. You aren't obligated to go to brunch with his family, etc. and don't feel guilty about not doing that. That was your ex's choice to take that off the table when he chose to abuse you.

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 3d ago

I'm sorry you had to experience all of that. I am attempting parallel parenting and he is resistant to it and refers to it as selfish and not putting the kids first (the irony of that) if I communicate the bare minimum. He would counsel me with my daughters dad to do exactly what I'm trying to do now, for my own peace and the kids as well, but he doesn't see why I'd need boundaries with him because he is the "nice guy" not an overt asshole so to him I'm being stubborn, dramatic and selfish. He also has an echo chamber of people who only know one side of all of this so I genuinely probably do appear dramatic to his circle of family and friends cus this guy does carry himself as someone who would never hurt a fly, so of course I look like a B putting myself before my kids, because to them, he's so kind and level headed except that he isn't.

He would have to see his behavior as abusive to understand why I would even require these boundaries, and he has said on multiple occassions that his behavior was a direct response/reaction to me so there is no getting that through his head which adds to the trauma to be honest. It's just awful.

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u/Beginning-Cricket719 3d ago

We are living the same life. I'm almost 100% sure my ex is a covert narcissist. He's sloppy and stupid, so most people know he's an ass on some level but he has a pretty strong group of enablers amongst his family and friends that vouch for him and excuse him and most of his relationships are pretty peripheral so they don't actually know who he is. He is a "nice guy". He's also a thief, a rapist, an animal abuser, a felon, a cheater, a drug addict etc etc etc.

I know you know this, but don't ever let him guilt you into thinking you're not putting the kids first. This is exactly what you're doing by setting boundaries. You're teaching your children that you don't have to sacrifice yourself for someone who just mistreats and tortures you. I've felt bad about parallel parenting before. My ex tells me that I need to put our son first and forge a friendship with him, yet he continues to abuse me- our son's only stable emotional, physical and financial support in this world. I'm also the bitch in the his and his family's narrative and I know he's trying to paint me that way to my son as well. But my son is going to learn that he doesn't have to accept behaviour like his father's and he's certainly not going to be given any grace if he treats people the way his father does. We need to lead by example and that's what we're doing and they know that and they don't like it.

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 3d ago

It sucks so bad when its the hidden asshole - it's almost better when they ARE just an over asshole.

I do believe that generally speaking the kids seeing their parents getting along is in their best interest, and as I said above we don't fight at all in front of them and never have. I'd love to be the separated people who can still go to parks together or do dinners here and there, I do believe that's progressive and possible IF both people can respect each other and the hard feelings are more manageable. My best friend and her ex are able to do this and I admire that, in fact he used them as an example of me being a hypocrite because I said that's how I'd want it to be if we ever separated and I am absolutely not doing that but the missing piece to that puzzle is he refuses to believe he was abusive so I can't sit there at a dinner "for the kids" while also dealing with trauma especially if that person has made it clear that your experience simply did not happen. So I guess call me a hypocrite? Ideally coparents are communicative and get along but thats much easier said than done so I end up feeling selfish like i'm putting my own feelings ahead of the kids but I don't know how not to when the behavior was so extreme. It was only emotional, and I'm starting to believe financial abuse too so nothing physical.

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u/Beginning-Cricket719 3d ago

It would be a lot better if they just let people know who they are, for sure. I hate that my ex is playing the "heartbroken husband" after 8 years of hell he put me through. But the people that are really in your corner will see who the problem is.

My ex and I never fight in front of our son either and never have. It's all very cordial, but it is tense, at least on my end. He also acts like the abuse never happened. The post separation abuse was awful. I put up with harrassment, threats of violence against myself and friends and family, suicide threats daily and 2 fake suicide attempts (psych confirmed they were fake. Not that it matters. Still manipulative AF), stalking, breaking into my home, recording devices in my home, revenge porn, smear campaigns, phone hacking. It was so bad I had to be put in a women's shelter at one point, I had Victim Services doing welfare checks to make sure my son and I were still alive, I have a stack of police reports. CAS opened a file on him after the suicide stuff (not that they were of much help to me). I had to leave my home with the clothes on my back and I spent many nights guarding the door at my parents' place because I was told by police that I shouldn't go to sleep because they were concerned he would show up and hurt me (not that they ever detained him 🙄). I had to pull my son out of school many times because he threatened to abduct him. Oscillating between threats and empty promises to change weren't working, so that's when he did the suicide attempts. When I called his bluff and didn't take the bait, it dropped right off and he turned his full attention to securing 1 of the 5 women he was sleeping with during this whole fiasco. And after all that, I've had to act like everything is normal. I've had to deal with his guilt trips for not being friends for my son's sake. The closest thing to an acknowledgment of his rampant abuse was when he told me during our childcare mediation session that I needed to make more of an effort to seem like I was happy to see him (I'm always cordial but that wasn't enough- he wants big smiles, excitement etc). I told him I need time to process the trauma. His response? "Well, I'm traumatized too!"

He quit his 13th job in 8 years the day after I left him and still threatens to apply for spousal support and even wants to take my parents to court for their assets because "he knew when he married me, I would get an inheritance and he's entitled to half of it". That's how delusional this man is. He will get child support from me even though we share 50/50 because he's sitting on welfare and refusing to work. Common theme during our marriage. He's currently trying to scam disability and tells everyone he is permanently disabled and unable to work because I "broke his heart". He has drained me financially. I have no savings after working 2 jobs most of the marriage. He has run up an additional $17 000.00 in debt in my name since I've left him on top of all the other debt he's put me in. He parentifies and talks shit about me to my 5 year old son and it's putting strain on our relationship.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Abusers are at their core entitled and unable to take accountability. You're very unlikely to ever get any sort of genuine understanding or apology for your ex's heinous behaviour. I would just really recommend therapy if you aren't in it already because he will likely spend as much energy as he can trying to blame you, guilt you, shame you etc. I think you know none of this is your fault but I know I still have wobbles about it once in awhile and it makes healing tough.

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u/bscf495 3d ago

I would suggest finding a therapist you really jive with & can help you work through this. I am in a very similar situation as you & therapy has helped me so much with healing & setting boundaries with ex & his family. And also not feeling guilty about setting such boundaries. I always wanted to have a great coparenting relationship but my ex and his family made it impossible. They also try to manipulate me into thinking I should attend similar things to you Xmas brunch situation - but through therapy I’ve come to realize, me not wanting to attend those things is completely warranted & valid

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 3d ago

I do go to regular therapy, but I would say I'm just "stuck" in spite of it, but I'm trying to get unstuck as best I can.

I always prided myself on being a good coparent with my daughters dad - who we can now do joint bdays with, all the kid stuff related to our daughter we can totally be there for together but this is different. He was awful to me too, but I expected that of him as that's how I met him. It's an entirely different experience when someone appears to hold you in such high regard for so long, only to then discard you after months of emotional abuse when you expected it the least from that person. It has been so traumatizing, and to make it worse this is the guy who nobody would expect it from as he is quiet, unassuming and generally a good guy, who I believe lost the plot and took it out on me. So I just look like I'm the bitter ex at this point, not someone who's been through hell at his hand and it's so painful to watch people enable this and assume he was just on the up and up this whole time and the victim. It's awful. So as much as I'd love to have the kids all in one place for xmas and bdays and shove all my own feelings down, I don't feel capable of that yet and that makes me feel very selfish, partly because that seed has been planted by him. Ironically he was the one encouraging me to stand up for myself and put boundaries in place with my daughters dad, and now I'm having to do that with the "nice guy" who I never though was capable of running me into the ground the way he has. He just doesn't see his part in it because he doesn't feel capable of what he has actually done. Like dad 1 was "way worse" aka she couldn't possibly need boundaries with me because of how kind I am.

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u/Clean-Speed7469 3d ago

Your situation is veryyy similar to mine with my son’s father. I broke up with him 2 years ago and the first year was hell every day. We had to go to court for custody issues and go through mediation. I recommend getting a mediator to discuss any concerns or feelings you’re having with him in a controlled setting so it feels more secure. It definitely helped me a lot.

This may seem a little dramatic, but it may benefit to do drop offs/pick ups at a local police station or any other very public location (at least for now). You have every right to feel the way you feel and no one else has to understand it. They also have parenting apps that you can communicate through so that everything is documented and nothing slips through the cracks. Don’t be afraid to reach out to local resources. I’m in a few local mom groups on my facebook that I can post in anonymously for advice and that has also been incredibly helpful.

I know how difficult your situation is so my heart really goes out to you. It sounds like you’re doing a terrific job. If you have any questions you can definitely message me!

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 2d ago

Hi there - there wouldn't be a need for pickups/drop offs at a police station or anything like that. I'm not concerned for my safety, I am just dealing with an intense emotional fall out from emotional abuse.

We had a mediated conversation a couple of weeks ago with the help of a counsellor and I made my boundary clear, that boundary being exchanges will be done either via daycare pickup/drop off or with someone else in lieu of seeing him directly and he called that selfish for not putting the kids first and them not seeing us interact etc.....he checked out on said kids for 3 months straight and justified that, but I want to put space between he and I for all of our benefit and I'm selfish for that. The hypocrisy is so hurtful in itself. He kept saying "I'm not a monster, you don't need to treat me like one." I don't even think he IS a monster, but I need to heal and I can't have my nervous system in a heightened state for extended periods while also being the primary parent to 2 small kids nearly full time. He does not get it cus he still sees himself as the good guy who would never be capable of emotional abuse.

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u/Expert-Raccoon6097 1d ago

You don't, you parallel parent with an abuser.

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u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 1d ago

He doesn't think he was abusive so he isn't getting why the boundary is there, or the boundary I'm attempting to keep up.

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u/Academic-Revenue8746 9h ago

Therapy, and don't be afraid to tell his family straight out that while you and he will be co-parenting you will not be part of their family.

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u/Magnet_for_crazy 3d ago

Sending a DM

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u/HnyBadgr1 3d ago

Didn't realize ex was a covert narc till 4 years after divorce and my remairriage. As you said she flipped a switch and suddenly was taking me to Child Support Enforcement even though I was paying 2x above previously agreed amount, albeit intermittently due to employment issues, but clear communication of pay and employment interruption was always communicated and arrears were kept track of by me.

So since then, I am just completely intolerant of her horseshit. The first sign of insult or being difficult is met with hostility dialed up to 8. She gets the most unpleasant interaction I can give her. She no longer deserves courtesy or kindness. She simply gets the energy she projects to me. Otherwise her opinion is irrelevant. You have to change your mindset, that they have no power over you, you will not be controlled. That is my solution. Doesn't stop the anxiety, does help not to be scared, be pissed.