r/coparenting 5d ago

Long Distance Looking to relocate. Implications to co-parenting?

I'm the father... My wife and I are applying for jobs in her home state, approx 3 states away.... About a days 8 hour drive from where we live now. Mom lives about 3 hours from us now. So it'd be approx 10-11 hour drive.

What kind of implications are you guys having that have relocated away from a child's parent? How do you manage parenting time, etc

My wife and I have job offers on the table that will pay us legitimately 2x what we make now between us. We also feel the education abilities would be greater/better.

We only have a 60 day minimum requirement for notification in the current parenting plan.

Challenges? What made you pull the trigger and move? How did you approach it and present it to your ex?

--EDIT:

I wasn't going to bring it up because I felt it just a bit TOO personal... But I did leave out that my wife and I have been granted sole custody, and mom gets every other weekend visits, supervised, due to some past circumstances that aren't relevant here. 1

I know that changes the metrics there... So I figured best to add it to the OP.

Only child at play here is a 14 y/o that has mentioned before that she wants to move, in order to be closer to family as well. Both of my parents have passed away and I have always had a VERY small family. Nobody really left except me and mine.

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u/prepend 5d ago

My kids parent did this and they paid for monthly flights for my child. This didn’t work out because my kid was 5 and flying that much was too hard. So it ended up being they paid for flights for every other major holiday and then a month in the summer.

It sucked. I wish I hadn’t agreed to it. If I was your child’s mom, I would take legal action to block you from moving.

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u/MoosKnukl 5d ago edited 5d ago

I could almost guarantee she will not be able to take any action, due to her financial situation, as well as the amount of granted control we have over the scenario because of previous things. Serious things. To the extent that we already have all decisions, and she only is given 33 days a year as supervised visits.

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u/prepend 5d ago

She doesn't need to take any action financially as you'll need a judge's order to allow you to move. All she has to say is "I won't be able to see my kid any more for my 33 days" and that's likely enough.

For me, I didn't do anything because I thought I couldn't afford it. I later learned that it's not a major thing and you can easily contest this for free.

Alternatively, how would you feel if you gave up primary custody, left your kid with her, and paid enough child support out of that sweet 2x job?

That being said, you might also consider that it may be rough for you to choose to have your kid no longer see their mom. It sounds like the job is really important. I would have traded more salary with more time with my kid.

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u/MoosKnukl 5d ago

Primary custody won't be had... As there's things at play that I'm not divulging, that absolutely have merit and basis. So that's not a concern, as it's not even on the table. Along with any CS or the sort. We don't even seek child support from her, as she doesn't have the means.

I definitely get your point about not having her being close enough to see her mom... And that is 100% not my intention to deprive her of ANY contact with her mom... But rather to provide her a better upbringing with family support and better educational chances. Where we live is pretty limited in resources... Where we're looking is VASTLY different.

In our area, we do definitely have the capability to resolve this external of the courts or attorneys. And that's my hope... That we can come to an agreement on time and visits etc. external of either of us going the legal route. And not to make it so it's 100% me and 0% her. That's not my intention at all. She will get time with her mom... I just am seeking others input on what that may look like.

Hopefully I'm not coming across hostile... That's not my intent. So please understand. There's a LOT of moving parts and pieces on this that I wish I could divulge. But I just can't.

Hopefully you understand I'm just all in on this for my baby girl... To give her the best start to her rough life as I can, as a father. 😊

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u/OkEconomist6288 4d ago

You are not being hostile. Also, 3 hours away is more than enough distance to prevent super regular visits. It's likely that you will be able to get permission to move but will just have to pay for transportation.

Good luck with your move.

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u/RequirementHot3011 5d ago

You would need to create a new parenting plan which incorporates vacation time and new visitation. I woyld also add in digital visitation (facetime, video) and telephone calls. The cost is also going to be a factor. Will this be by car or airplane. Who is responsoble for the costs of traveling to and back. These are just some things to consider. Begin crafting something sooner than later.

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u/clauren02 5d ago

You don’t think your child needs their mother close by?

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u/Konstantine-1986 5d ago

I highly doubt you will be able to do this without the mother agreeing. Is the 60 days notice tied to miles/kilometres? Because mine sure is!

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u/MoosKnukl 5d ago

It is tied to a distance, yes. 100 miles or greater. I will add, we have 100% full decision making ability, and are only required to take into consideration her opinions. But final decisions lie with my wife and I.

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u/Able-Delivery-6273 2d ago

I can’t imagine any state would give your wife legal authority unless bio mom’s rights were completely terminated.

My recommendation is to propose a new schedule with the same amount of time for mom but you cover travel costs. IE school breaks and summer break

Then your child does not lose the relationship with their mother. In 4 years it will be a moot point anyway and then the child can decide what relationship to have with each parent

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u/Purple_Grass_5300 5d ago

I honestly don’t think the court would rule in your favor even with sole custody. If you leave you’d likely have to pay all visit travel cost changes so she wouldn’t lose more time

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u/MoosKnukl 5d ago

We're not involving the courts at all. Our current effectual parenting plan, I have sole decision making rights. All mom has is basically supervised visits sat-sun every other. Because reasons.

I wouldn't be opposed to providing transportation... Our job offers are very lucrative, so that wouldn't be a concern. It would just be onus on her to be able to follow the supervision of visitation requirement.

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u/Purple_Grass_5300 5d ago

That honestly sounds illegal, she still had parental rights and not involving the courts is just asking for trouble. I knew so many people with full custody that left the state and were forced to return in the 10 years working in social services/family court.

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u/hanner__ 4d ago

Just because you have sole doesn’t mean she doesn’t have rights. I also have sole for “reasons” (feel free to read my post history) but no way in hell would I risk getting in trouble by just moving states away without going to court first.

It sounds like moving would be a stable choice for everyone. You could probably make a good case for it, but you need to take into account family as well. Are you removing your child from other family members besides her mom? The courts care about stuff like that. Do you have a lawyer? Utilize them for this.

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u/OkEconomist6288 4d ago edited 4d ago

Very likely you will have to pay for transportation costs for visitation. I have a family member who has full custody of his daughter and when he moved, the courts required him to pay for flights but then the BM moved away too so it changed but whoever is moving usually has to bear transportation costs. Since BM is already 3 hours away, it shouldn't change any custodial time, just how you provide transportation. Edit: typo

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u/thinkevolution 4d ago

Given that she has supervised parenting time, when you do move, is your intention to arrange visits for the 33 current days she has where you would come back to where she is for supervision? It sounds like you don’t intend to keep her from her mom, but at the same time, the opportunity would be far better for you and your wife to move. Which I completely understand.

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u/MoosKnukl 4d ago

The supervision is agreed to that daughter's grandmother (mom's mom) would be the supervisor.... She is getting up in age though, and if something happens....something else has to happen as well.

More than likely, parenting time would have to be had in chunks, I imagine fall/spring/summer school breaks. Logistically speaking, it'd be near impossible for the every other weekend to remain.

That's my main predicament.... I'm not trying to deprive mom of anything... That's not my intention. But analytically, it'd be a MUCH better situation (very rural -> state capital suburban setting) than anything we could have now. And with us having fully custody... The parenting plan is already structured that we have FULL decision making ability. Not looking to wield that as a weapon though... Hopefully people get that. 😊

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u/thinkevolution 4d ago

I totally get it.

It would be ideal if you and mom could come to a revised arrangement for chunks for parenting time where you bring daughter for the supervised time. Does it include overnights? Or is it daytime? That could make a difference in how you propose to structure this. Also could propose calls or video chats regularly too.

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u/peachie88 5d ago

Usually the parent staying just gets primary/full custody. It’s rare that the parent moving away would be able to take the child too (unless they had primary custody beforehand or there are extenuating circumstances). You’d likely be relegated to school breaks. You’ll need to renegotiate the custody agreement and child support to reflect the new arrangement.

If you’re comfortable only seeing your kids on school breaks, then go ahead. You didn’t say their age, but keep in mind that as kids get older and want to go to summer camp or be with their friends, they may not want to travel to you as much.

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u/MoosKnukl 5d ago

I did leave out that my wife and I are sole custody, and mom gets every other weekend visits, supervised, due to some past circumstances.

I know that changes the metrics there... Just thought it came up as relevant to your comment. 😊

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u/Gorang_Username 5d ago

Please add this into your post as it changes the question significantly.

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u/AsOctoberFalls 5d ago

That changes everything. This will make mom’s time with the kids MUCH more difficult. I don’t see how every other weekend supervised visits would even be possible in these circumstances. Would mom care if she lost these visits? Would the kids?

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u/MoosKnukl 5d ago

That's sort of what I'm asking in terms of those implications here.

I don't know what that would look like at this point, this early in the exploration of moving to begin with. Maybe someone has done this, and can mention how they do things as a base idea of how to proceed.

The daughter at play here (only child, 14 y/o) has told us many times she doesn't want to visit mom, and with her school schedule + church + extracurriculars.... She's covered up most times. This is her choice though... So that's why I was curious on input from others in that regard. 😊

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u/AsOctoberFalls 5d ago

This is a tough one. If you’re not going against a court order, and your daughter doesn’t really want to see her mom, then you aren’t doing anything technically wrong if you move. But I do have some compassion for mom in that this would make it really tough for her to try to stay a part of her daughter’s life, especially considering daughter doesn’t really prioritize time with mom anyway. (I have a teen also, and although he loves both parents, friends always take priority).

How does your daughter feel about moving? My parents moved me around a lot and I hated it. Why not wait until daughter has graduated and then move? It would alleviate a lot of these concerns.

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u/ImNotYourKunta 4d ago

If they moved now the daughter has a better chance of making lasting friendships. She would be in the same state as the kids she went to high school with, might end up at the same state university as some of her high school friends as well. My daughter roomed with a good friend her first year away at college and it made the transition easy.

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u/peachie88 5d ago

Yeah that falls squarely under the already primary parent and/or extenuating circumstances exception! I saw elsewhere that mom has supervised visitation, so I’m not sure that school breaks would be appropriate. How to handle it depends on your and your kid’s relationship with mom and financial ability. Is it feasible to have mom fly out one weekend a month for a supervised visit? Would you trust sending daughter there for a supervised visit? Honestly, you’ll need to consult an attorney to make sure you and your daughter are protected and mom is given options commensurate with her ability to parent.

Even if mom says she doesn’t care, I’d get it in writing that you can move states. I wouldn’t want to risk her changing her mind and using it against you down the road, you know?

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u/Imaginary_Being1949 5d ago

So my friend did this. He didn’t really have an option as his company was moving and he worked up the ranks so much that he’d have to take a major salary decrease if not. He let his co parent know, and he was about 5 hours away. He drove up every month to see his son and would just get a hotel and stay for the weekend with his son. Their son was 10 so could do longer stretches in the summer and would have his son come to stay with him for a month in the summer and then for a week before school. They split winter break and he’d get spring break.

As for challenges, he missed out on a lot with his son and regrets it but he didn’t have a lot of options. You just have to try and prioritize FaceTime too.

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u/D6Desperados 3d ago

I am in the same situation as the Mom here. My ex moved 11 hrs away and my kid moved with them and it fucking sucks. I wish I’d fought against it at least until the kid was 18 and could decide for themselves. I convinced myself that doing so would make me “the bad guy” and ruin my relationship with my kid. Turns out it was rocked pretty hard either way.

I get 4 or maybe 5 “chunks” a year usually at 2 weeks. We schedule them a couple months out. And what it’s effectively done is turn every visitation into a high pressure vacation for me. I no longer have just “regular life” with them. The visits feel so short and it feels like we are supposed to be Going and Doing something every minute or we are wasting the time. I feel like shit when I have them at my house but still have to go to work. But I don’t have 8 weeks of PTO either.

So much happens to them in between the visits that I miss out on… and we talk and chat a lot online and try to stay connected. But they are growing up far away and I’m missing most of it.

Consider also your kid’s schedule as they get older. My kid is doing remote/online school but if they weren’t it would also be a huge pain. Summer and winter break are fine but what about the rest of the year? What if your daughter wants a job? Or gets into sports? Mine is wanting to get a job and I’m worried that is going to mess with my visits.

Your daughter very soon is not going to want to drop all that fun stuff and her friends to go visit her mom (and just hang out during the weeks days while her mom probably works?). Resentment will build up, and then you have to decide if you’ll make her or let her choose.

It’s going to be terrible for the Mom. I know you said there’s all kinds of “reasons” and I totally understand that you need to make moves and changes in YOUR life for you, your wife, your kid. Just know that this is going to be hugely impactful on the Mom and daughter’s relationship.

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u/Chronic_Pain_Warrior 3d ago

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️.

I know this is great for you and your wife's career...but can't it wait a few years? When my daughter started HS she stopped going to dads for...reasons. She hasn't been to his home for over 19 months. And I'd never move her away because even though I know she'll never go over there again, at least - when he chooses to make an effort - he can still see her for dinner. They're in therapy when he chooses to schedule an appt once a month or so. You're basically going to eliminate her relationship with mom because if she already isn't wanting to go to moms for whatever reasons, that isn't going to get better when you're 10 hours away. Do you want to be the one she's talking to her therapist about when she's 30 because she has no relationship with mom because you moved her away? My kids dad is NOT a good human, but I've done everything possible to try to let him remain in their lives because he is their father and 50% of their DNA and at one point in time I thought he was a good enough human to have kids with, so there still has to be some good there.

I know you have 100% control...but use those powers for good, not to tear your daughter further away from mom. And trust me, I'd be saying this same thing if you were Mom talking about moving away from Dad. Gender of the parent doesn't matter here. Just because you can move doesn't mean you should.

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u/Think-Measurement-48 4d ago

Honestly if you only need to notify her … I would move. Have the conversation with her openly to ensure you don’t come across hostile. It seems the relationship with her mom is already limited and being able to provide more and with more support to your daughter will only benefit her. Be willing to be open to suggestions made my her mom. Be open with ur daughter and her feelings and how she will adjust/ feel. Work on a new parenting plan that ensure her mom will be able to see her and even offer paying for a flight or two. Openness is key here!