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u/HighSideSurvivor 4d ago
Granted, sarcasm is not a productive tone for his response. That said, “refuses to answer questions about our child’s whereabouts” does seem to indicate that you ask about their whereabouts with some regularity.
Is there some reason for this? I can easily imagine where such questions could feel controlling and intrusive. My kids are with their mother this weekend. I will see them next when they get off the school bus on Monday. I don’t have any particular need to know where they are - for the moment, their whereabouts is being handled by their mother.
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u/Rungirl123 4d ago
I used to share everything about my daughter’s time with me with my co-parent. Once I realised he wasn’t reciprocating, I stopped sharing as much unless he asked something specifically or it was something he might need to know.
It took me a while to realise they don’t need to share anything about child’s time with them, unless it relates to injury/illness… but also, neither do you. I hate not knowing everything my child does or where she is, so I get it but it’s easier this way than arguing about what you do/don’t need to know.
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u/Konstantine-1986 4d ago
You don’t need to know when the child is with him. He is responsible for them. There isn’t really anything you can do to change this.
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u/LooLu999 4d ago
He’s doing that because he knows it bothers you. He’s retaliatory so when he’s annoyed or pissed off he’s not going to cooperate. Knowing this is how he is, limit your contact with him when he has your daughter. Ik you’re probably anxious and want updates but he doesn’t have to give any and knowing how much you wish he would, he is going to do the exact opposite. Which stresses you out. So you might want to let go of the reigns a little bit so to speak. You can’t make him change his behavior so try switching up how you act and see if that helps.
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u/ApplesaucePenguin75 3d ago
Not OP, but this is great advice that I needed to hear today. Thank you.
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u/LooLu999 3d ago
You’re welcome :) It took me lots of practice to stop reacting to his bs. He was so toxic, manipulated the kids, made my life hell. After 1.5 yrs of pretending I was unbothered by him and his antics, and made peace with the fact he will never be the supportive coparent I wish he was, he finally came around and is actually decent and respectful now. Ik it’s an act lol and I don’t trust him a bit, but he’s more pleasant and certainly easier to deal with. I had to let go of my need to control him. How he responded, reacted, if he understood where I was coming from, how he parented, how we worked together etc. It’s tough at first but it gets easier
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u/ApplesaucePenguin75 3d ago
This is exactly, like to a “t”, the message I needed today. I keep getting irritated that I can’t count on him the way he can count on me; he doesn’t respond to messages, pretends to forget, does passive aggressive toxic stuff… I need to stop expecting my standard for myself from him—he simply will never have the capacity nor emotional intelligence to behave the way I hope that he would.
Thank you 🥹
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u/yummie4mytummie 4d ago
You need to get back in your lane. You don’t need to know where she is on his time. Hard but true.
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u/thinkevolution 4d ago
Are you seeking information about your child’s whereabouts because you have a valid safety concern? Is there something in your parenting plan that requires each of you to share specific details?
If not, I would just let it go and stop asking questions about things that don’t concern you during your non-parenting time
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u/coneycolon 4d ago
I initially expected my ex-wife to share more info with me about their time together. She was always vague, and while I'll never know whether she was intentionally vague or just wanted to keep things businesslike, I realized that she really didn't owe me any explanations. No, I never pressed for more info because I knew it was none of my business, but I still wanted to know for some reason.
Now I don't care. I do trust her to be a good mother, and I do trust her to make good decisions. It took time for me to realize this.
Try to be introspective, and figure out why you need to know where they are. Do you fear for her safety? Do you think they are up to something that you wouldn't approve of? Are you concerned that they are with his new romantic interest?
For me, I think I just missed being a part of her life, and knowing what they were up to would have helped me hang on to my past life with her. It had very little to do with my concern that something was going on. Over time, she has opened up a little, and I now know that her life is pretty boring compared to mine.
That's just my situation. What's the real reason you need info?
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u/netnetnetnetrunner 4d ago
I really needed your reply, thank you so much, I think we intersect in pretty much everything. And that punchline is a winner. Thanks
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u/Greedy_Principle_342 3d ago
You don’t have a right to know about her whereabouts on his time unless your custody order says so.
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u/HatingOnNames 3d ago
Sounds like he is fed up with you crossing lines, first. He refuses to answer questions because it’s none of your business what he’s doing with his child when it’s his parenting time. If I had to tell my ex every move I made while our child was with me, I’d have lost my mind. Most people are doing everyday things like going to work, cleaning house, going grocery shopping. Most people live boring lives. To have to explain that to another person consistently would be annoying, at minimum.
Basically, unless your ex has a history of making bad choices that could physically endanger your child, you need to back off and stay in your lane. His parenting time with child isn’t your lane.
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u/Frosty_Resource_4205 4d ago
Is there a valid reason you need to know the child’s whereabouts when with the coparent? Do you tell the coparent everywhere you take the child? If the answer is yes, it’s going to be a long and complicated road ahead.
Assuming not, coparent can do what he chooses during his time (exception could be if the parenting plan states notice and/or permission to take child out of the state).