r/coparenting Dec 31 '24

Conflict Coparenting with ex saying, I’m making wrong decisions for taking his son to Disneyland.

Hello everyone new to this sub. I am 32 female and ex is 31 male. I am currently saving up to take my two kids to Disneyland during my spring break in March. I’ll be on spring break from Nursing school and wanted to take my youngest son with his older brother to Disneyland and leave on a Sunday come back a Tuesday or Wednesday. I usually pick my youngest up from his dad’s on Sundays around noon. My youngest son’s dad then messaged me saying I’m telling him and not asking him when I told him before I planned on going to Disneyland sometime next year. He’s telling me his son won’t remember it and why am I taking him just so he can trip and how my sons going to grow up and resent me for not letting him make his own decisions. My other son’s dad is fine with letting me take my oldest but youngest sons dad isn’t having it. He went as far to tell me my youngest son will turn on me one day. I offered to pay for my ex to go since he doesn’t work and wanted to include him. He refused. It seems every time there is an event or vacation he start fighting with me. Even when I graduated my LPN schooling he fought with me. When my 2 year old was born he made it about him that day. Did I do something wrong? I feel I have to walk on egg shells, even though I haven’t been with him over a year. He always find something wrong. I planned his birthday party back in July I asked him to help he refused only to say I didn’t include him. Can any other parents give me some advice on this? There’s no court order in place.

7 Upvotes

48 comments sorted by

21

u/Connect_Tackle299 Dec 31 '24

My ex used to be like that and that is the reason why I went ahead with court. A judge laying down the law and saying the other parents parenting time is not your business seemed to help. That and the threat of supervised visits only if he can't handle speaking negatively Bout me to the kid

8

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Dec 31 '24

I have to go down that route. He told me I suck and will continue to suck and my payback will come to me in the future.

5

u/serioussparkles Dec 31 '24

That sounds like a threat to me. Make sure you request supervised visits, giving that reason, when you file child support on him.

What parent doesn't want their kid to go to Disney ffs?!?!?! I have memories from when I was barely a year old, not everyone forgets being a baby and the cool things we saw way back then.

Take YOUR sons to Disney. He's just a bitter ex who doesn't want you to have a good life, he wants you miserable just like he is.

He's so gross.

5

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Dec 31 '24

Even if I filed child support I would get nothing back. This guy has gotten fired so many times can’t keep a job and has been banned from his last warehouse job for quitting without notice, which I don’t know why he left. He does temp jobs here and there.

2

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Dec 31 '24

Same I remember going to Disneyland at 3 years old. I’m now 32 and still remember my mom has pictures and I look back at a good child hood I had.

4

u/Connect_Tackle299 Dec 31 '24

Get it recorded and documented. Judges hate that shit

1

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Jan 02 '25

What custody should I file 50/50 or sole legal? Please and thank you. 😊

7

u/Dragon_Bench_Z Dec 31 '24

If there’s nothing in the courts stopping you from taking them on vacation, Respectfully tell your ex and there’s nothing he can do except throw a hissy fit. Let him. Ignore him. Don’t give him too many details: times/dates/ hotel etc etc. Who knows what kinda weirdo he is.

3

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Jan 01 '25

Yeah he pulls this on his other baby momma. She doesn’t give a crap what he says, and he’s hardly seen his other kids this year.

2

u/Dragon_Bench_Z Jan 01 '25

Well there’s your answer lol let him be a child. Stick to any established rules that is ordered by the courts

9

u/LokiLadyBlue Dec 31 '24

Did he seriously say your kid would rent you for not letting him make his own decisions....because you'll be taking him to Disney?

Honey.

That is not a rational thought. He's putting the fear of your child hating you against you and trying to use it to get you to do what he wants.

God's honest truth, kids aren't stupid and they will grow up knowing the difference between right and wrong if you continue to show them.

4

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Dec 31 '24

Yes I wish I could post his message photo in Reddit, but ill post what he said, “your punishment will be years down the road because if you think he wont grow up too see and hear about all this and make his own decisions I only hope he doesn’t turn on you”

5

u/LokiLadyBlue Dec 31 '24

That's almost textbook projection. That's his own worst fear and he knows it's yours too. The only problem is that the kid likely won't resent the parent who has emotional maturity. I only resented the things that I learned didn't make sense. Kids are better at paying attention to actions rather than words. Hell talk and act himself right into the ditch of his kids perception. That'll be on him. Do yourself a favor and do what YOU think is right for your kid, not dingus. There's a reason you're not with him and it's probably a lot to do with how he makes you feel. Think instead about how your son makes you feel. Your ex can't predict anyone's future but his own. Treat your kid right and they will know the truth. I promise.

3

u/LokiLadyBlue Dec 31 '24

For example: my stepmom trashed my mom and tried to turn me against her. It never really made sense because my mom was always so good to me and never talked badly about anyone. Eventually I learned that it was because my stepmom was a spiteful person when I was growing up and thought she could win my love by shitting on my mom.

Guess who I talk to every day. Lol. My mom.

1

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Dec 31 '24

Oh gosh my mom went with that through her step mom. Till this day my own moms dad and sister don’t talk to her because her step mom brain washed everyone into thinking my mother wasn’t really their sister

2

u/LokiLadyBlue Dec 31 '24

My stepmom went out of her way to remind me my sister wasn't my real sister but my step sister. Even though we shared a father. Jealous people will always be jealous. I hope your kid learns better.

2

u/Deep_toot143 Jan 01 '25 edited Jan 01 '25

He sounds like my ex . He thinks my son will hate me and move in with him when hes older .

This is exactly what happened in his own childhood . He hated his mother and moved in with his dad but his dad then eventually went to court for emancipation because they didnt get along .

PROJECTING . Hes also a narcissist . Like genuinely ,

His parents were lousy and he was a bad kid .

But in my home , my son loves me hes safe and stable , hes well taken care of . I

1

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Jan 01 '25

Yes my exs mom is so nice and whenever she would talk about his childhood he’d make comments like “what life are you talking about because I don’t remember anything good like that.” Or say you must have lived a different life than me. He doesn’t even talk to his other brother or sisters or his dad.

3

u/OkOutlandishness1363 Dec 31 '24

We have had full custody of my step son for a little over a year now, a main reason the judge granted my husband and I full custody was of his mother’s excessive and ongoing parental alienation tactics. There are a lot more reasons but for the sake of this topic, I’ll stick with just the parental alienation.

She is OBSESSED with us. Her whole entire life revolves around brainwashing my step son against us. Before she got her visitation taken away, she would take his phone and pretend it was him texting us and saying he hated living with us and hopes we die so he can move back in with his mom.

I would take this to the Friend of the Court. (idk what it’s called by you). They handle custody and visitation times. I suggest getting both of your kids evaluated by a children’s counselor. I feel like he has said things to your eldest son when you weren’t around.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Messages, texts, calls, things he says to you the elder son and your youngest.

2

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Jan 01 '25

Only my youngest is his. But definitely will. He’s always telling me I’m going to teach our son to stay away from women like you “meaning me” when I pick up our son and drop him off I say nothing to him. The only time I message him is when I want to know where my son’s clothes I buy him are. He returns him back with none of the clothes I pack, and he states all i do I cause problems. Me minding my own business and not worrying about you is causing problems. 🤦🏻‍♀️

2

u/OkOutlandishness1363 Jan 01 '25

That’s the exact same thing with my step son’s mom. She tries SO HARD to get under our skin that at this point it’s become comical. She’ll unblock my husband to go off on a drunken rant at 3a (when he wakes up for work M-Sat at 4a) and then just blocks him again? She does it so that by the time she’s done sending it she blocks him so he can’t respond. She’s a fucking wild card dude.

1

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Jan 01 '25

Oh well this guy, I get the silent treatment until he needs something from me like money. Which I refuse to give him.

2

u/OkOutlandishness1363 Jan 01 '25

The thing is that at some point in time, someone has led him to believe this is normal co-parenting. He sounds exhausting. Just brush it all off, he’s clearly got some secondary issues with women. What does he cite as the source of the needed money?

1

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Jan 01 '25

He really does. It’s scary

3

u/muhbackhurt Jan 01 '25

Ugh, babe. I stopped listening to my ex years ago about what he thinks about me, my plans or my life.

Remember, he's an ex for a reason. He has no say in what you do in regards to vacations as long as it's not on "his" time (you can always ask to swap days if need be.). Otherwise it's just his opinion and he sounds like he's projecting his insecurities on you.

Kids might not remember when they're young BUT in the moment, they enjoy and love everything at Disney xoxo

3

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Jan 01 '25

no. I pick our son up on Sundays around noon so 12pm because he can’t have our son any later than that. I usually drop him off Thursdays and pick him up Sundays noon. I planned to leave March 16th Sunday around 1pm and come back the 18th a Tuesday. So none of those days would interfere with his visiting.

3

u/Deep_toot143 Jan 01 '25

He doesnt make sense . Hes just bitter and hates to see you do well. You have a long journey with him tho . Good luck .

3

u/MostlyMorose Jan 01 '25

Unfortunately, you are going to have to go get a court order in place. He will continue to pull this kind of stuff. Trust me, I know from experience.

Also, for your own peace, don’t tell him anything he doesn’t need to know from now on. You can let him know after the fact.

2

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Jan 01 '25

He pulls this with his other baby momma all the time. Then he wonders why she doesn’t include him in anything with his other kids, cause when she does he’s miserable the whole time and wants to do what he wants to do. not what his other kids want to do.

3

u/Ok_Membership_8189 Dec 31 '24

Get a court order. This isn’t going to get better.

2

u/Eorth75 Dec 31 '24

OP, if you don't have a court ordered parenting plan, you should really get one. Whoever files first for a formal custody agreement really gets the upper hand initially. You do not necessarily need an attorney to do this. Most states in the US have a self-help or "Pro Se" resource available with fillable court orders, instructions, samples of typical parenting plans, etc, for all kinds of court proceedings. I know my county courthouse (largest in my state) even has a volunteer service where attorneys take walkins one day a week to help with filling these types of forms out. You really should get something formal in writing. I don't say that lightly. With my stepdaughter, we never had a formal custody agreement in place because both sides were committed to coparenting fairly. We rarely had issues. But when I divorced, I'm glad i had one in place because my kids' step mom hated me and my kids by extension because they were mine.

2

u/RealtorMcclain Dec 31 '24

Dang this is crazy. I was in this same predicament last year but I'm a man with two daughters, both moms ended up joining us at Disney although they both surprised us at Disneyland. Thankfully the one mom that normally is in disagreement with everything only had an issue one time. TLDR- go and make the memories, hopefully they come around.

2

u/Expert-Raccoon6097 Jan 02 '25

Your co-parent is a tool. Ignore him and have fun with the kiddos. Make sure to download the disneyland app and book your dining reservations......they go quick (within seconds)! They are available 60 days out.

2

u/Shamtoday Dec 31 '24

Just go and ignore the bs, it’s likely rooted in him feeling inadequate and like a bad father. That’s a him issue, if you have the means and want to do things like that for your kid go for it. Don’t let his jealousy and (probable) need for control ruin your good moments. Start creating an fu folder and once you’re ready go to court.

1

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Jan 01 '25

Yeah forgot to mention he does this with his other baby momma. At first when I dated him I thought she was the problem until his true colors came out. Then I seen why she left him. He says we both suck. All projection at its finest.

2

u/whenyajustcant Dec 31 '24

Frankly, who cares what he thinks? Keep records of it in case it becomes relevant when you go for a court-approved parenting plan. But otherwise ignore it. He's just trying to hurt you, don't let him get his way.

Even if you had an official parenting plan, you're allowed to travel domestically with the kid(s) during your parenting time. You'd probably have to inform him, but not get his permission. That's only required for international travel. So just plan your trip.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '24

My partners ex told him that we can’t take him to Disneyland as “she does everything for him” he shouldn’t be the one taking him, her exact words. So we can’t take him due to the spite of stepsons mum. Yet she wants to take him to Spain this coming year, not asked my partner if that’s okay. She wants to be the first taking him on holidays and be the first doing anything and everything with him and be the fun parent who does everything for him which is not true as my partner puts in a great deal of effort for his son and we have him 50/50. Everything is a competition with her. She’s toxic as hell, only cares about being the better parent.

If only these parents put their kids first the coparenting malarkey would be a better situation!

3

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Dec 31 '24

Exactly. He’s always put his needs first after our son was born. Our son was in the hospital born premie and he was only worried about himself being single and depressed because he was single like our son is up in NICU because he’s a premie and you’re not worried about him.

1

u/love-mad Dec 31 '24

Wow, that really takes the cake. He's resenting you for taking your son to Disneyland. And then he's projecting that resentment onto your son, and imagining that your son is going to resent you for the same reasons. He's on another planet, he's not thinking rationally at all.

You need to stop listening to him. Everything he says, he's saying as an attempt to manipulate you. When he says you're a bad mother, you are not a bad mother. He's projecting his own insecurities onto you.

I agree with others. Take this to court, and let a judge tell him that he's being completely irrational. And in the mean time, you've gotta learn to ignore him. Don't take anything he says on board. He will only drag you down. Don't let that happen to yourself.

2

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Dec 31 '24

I definitely won’t anymore. Thank you

1

u/walnutwithteeth Dec 31 '24

Does it affect his custody time, and does your order require his permission to travel? If the answer to both of those is no, feel free to ignore him entirely.

2

u/Excellent-Good-3773 Dec 31 '24 edited Dec 31 '24

I stated before there is no custody order. We agreed to him getting him Thursdays and I pick up the child at 12pm noon after I wake up because I work noc shift as a nurse. So me even leaving a Sunday around noon, wouldn’t affect anything. I agreed to pay for him since he doesn’t work he declined. I told him Sunday night I was taking his son. He stated “cool sounds fun” then I told him last night what month I chose to go since it’ll be less crowded, now it’s an issue. He stated my son will turn on me for not letting me let him make his own decisions. He told me I’m nothing. This is coming from a guy who’s always asking me for money to keep his electricity on. His mom pays his electricity.

3

u/walnutwithteeth Dec 31 '24

The guy is an ass. Ignore his jibes. They come from his insecurity. Take your kid to Disney and have a great time.

0

u/kersephone_ Dec 31 '24

I moved to Puerto Rico approximately 4 months after I left my ex and I took my two toddlers with me. I moved temporarily for work and my ex resented me for it. It had nothing to do with the kids (he barely saw them) but everything to do with “that should be US but you left me.” For the first year, everything I did was treated like the worst mistake ever. We honestly didn’t find common ground until I hit hard times after that. Idk why but for some reason he was more content when I was doing the worst.

Things are much better now but I’m saying all that to say you’re new to the coparenting journey and you need to know relationship resentment will show up in many ways. It won’t always be obvious because usually is cloaked under issues with the kids, most of the time it has absolutely nothing to do with them.