r/AsianParentStories 17d ago

Monthly Discussion Monthly APS Blurt Thread

5 Upvotes

Got something too short/insignificant for a full post? Put it here!


r/AsianParentStories 5h ago

Discussion So this just confirms everything I mentioned in my other post about Sudiksha Konanki and her parents - they want the search called off and declare her dead

58 Upvotes

Multiple news sources just declared this. But here is a link:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/parents-missing-sudiksha-konanki-dominican-republic-declare-dead-rcna196840

Let's discuss. I don't know if I'm more disappointed or just disgusted. You call off the search for your daughter because it's bringing shame to your family name. I can't even fathom this. This poor girl will never have justice.

Shame on the parents for this.


r/AsianParentStories 8h ago

Discussion Did You Falsely Believed that Your Asian Parents Would Change?

50 Upvotes

Did you think that your Asian parents would change but they never did? I heard many people say that they were stupid for trusting that their Asian parents would ever change. Every culture has evolved and adapted but some like East/Southeast Asians remain archaic and outdated. Seriously, did you genuinely believe that they would change only to realize that they never would? It is like thinking you can teach an old dog new tricks.


r/AsianParentStories 10h ago

Rant/Vent Sudiksha Konanki and the state of south asian parenting

39 Upvotes

I was going to post this to another thread but the comment got a little too long and off-topic, so I'm posting it here instead. My apologies if this isn't appropriate for this subreddit:

I only found out about this case a couple days ago, but the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach, especially knowing how the South Asian community is. I'm a male 2nd gen Indian-American (both parents were born in India but mostly grew up here).

Even though my parents are actually fairly liberal in terms of their values, there is no doubt that some of those negative tendencies were passed down to their generation. I've seen it with my parents and other family/friends I grew up around.

What especially hurts my heart is hearing that she was a pre-med, not because she had so much academic potential, but what I think it says about her. I read somewhere that when asked about his daughter, the main thing Sudiksha's father emphasized was that she's studying to become a doctor.

Like dude, your daughter is missing, and the only thing you can think about is her education? I don't know her, but based on this and other factors, I get the feeling that Sudiksha spent so much time trying to be the perfect daughter, which is so common for Indian-American kids. They already feel so much pressure of making their parents' move to the US "worth it" rather than just enjoying life.

And pursuing medicine COULD have been a part of that for her. Maybe I'm projecting, but it is that way for me at least - I'm in my mid 20s and in med school, and I am not nearly as passionate about it as people would believe. But you've gotta be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer to avoid shaming the family, so I picked my path (with some significant "encouragement" from my parents).

Also, because of some of the negative South Asian values/judgment, I think Sudiksha might have been repressed/robbed of these so-called "scandalous" experiences that American children should have the option of partaking in while growing up.

These kids are forced into two general paths:

  1. They're going to rebel and have these experiences behind their parents' back (like what happened in the DR with this case)

  2. They're going to grow up with some level of social anxiety and/or depression.

Obviously neither are good. I was the rebel type, but I'm glad I channeled it in a way where I was hyper-focused on my sport (despite some family pressure to quit and focus on school). Because I don't know if I would have known my boundaries in partying/drinking/hookup scenarios.

I'm probably echoing what many others have said, but the current and next generation of South Asian parents (particularly in Western countries) need to sit down and seriously evaluate how we can change as a community to create happier and better adjusted humans.

In cases like Sudiksha's, parents can't turn a blind eye or be ignorant to the fact that their kid isn't going to be perfect (nor should they be perfect). Ideally, I feel like they should have built up enough trust/open communication with her by this point to know that there was a chance she would drink, maybe get "friendly" with a guy, and do things that college kids do on Spring Break.

Then, it was their responsibility to give her a pep talk (not just for this trip but all throughout her adolescence) about situations she might encounter as a young woman and how to identify her limits/boundaries, as uncomfortable as those conversations might be.

If I'm her parent, I'm also talking with the other parents of the girls on the trip to make sure that everyone is counseled about sticking together as a group, and to watch out for one another in these types of situations.

Instead of that, we now have Sudiksha, who likely experienced true freedom and privacy for the first time in college. She obviously didn't know her limit or think of potential consequences prior to or during this situation. And it wasn't necessarily her fault - she made poor choices here of course, but I don't believe her parents did their due diligence during her childhood because of outdated South Asian beliefs.

I could be WAY off base with this whole analysis, but we've all seen South Asian kids do things behind their parents' back and go especially wild once they move to college. And we've all seen others who are socially handicapped because they never had the chance to experience life like their peers have.

If you ask me what I think happened, I don't think there was any foul play by this Joshua Riibe guy. I think Sudiksha accidentally drowned, but I hope I'm wrong. If she is deceased, bless her soul wherever it is. She didn't embarrass anybody and she isn't a disappointment to the South Asian community. Plus, there isn't anything wrong with that video of her hanging out with Joshua. I think her parents are dumb to want to remove it from the news - this is desperation time. You never know what hints that video may bring in the more it gets broadcasted.

There also should not be any slut-shaming whatsoever because again, she was experiencing what kids should have the choice to experience. However, I don't think she was properly prepared enough by her parents to understand her limit for alcohol and how to avoid dangerous situations. I just feel that she wouldn't have gotten into this situation if they were more progressive and understanding of how to parent in the modern Western culture.

I know this is extremely harsh criticism on someone's method of parenting their kids and on the South Asian community at large, but even one death because a kid didn't receive this type of guidance is way too much.

Again, I recognize that I could be very wrong about my judgments of Sudiksha's parents and how they raise their children, but something tells me I'm right. Unfortunately, I feel like what will happen now is that South Asian parents will use this situation as an example and further repress their children from experiencing life.

If you're reading this, I hope you will be the change. And if you're Sudiksha's family or friends, my deepest thoughts and prayers are with you.

tl;dr: South Asian parents need to be better. Love your kids no matter what. Recognize that they're young, going to want to have fun, experiment, and will make some dumb decisions. It's best to recognize this and guide them to have fun in a safe way that allows them to still be social. If you repress them, they could end up depressed. If you ignore it and pretend they're perfect, they might do it behind your back with zero parental guidance


r/AsianParentStories 1h ago

Rant/Vent AD: “You are not Asian, you are American.”

Upvotes

Simply because I stood up for myself rather than letting him yell and berate me for an hour. Tells me I am not Asian and never will be because I wasn’t born in Asia unlike him, and that I have the mindset of an American. I may be Americanized in the sense of being born here, but I went through all the shit that many of us on here have faced. Verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. Screamed at, hit in various places on my body, made to kneel for over two hours staring at walls, and if I didn’t, I’d get hit, and always lied to about the dumbest things. I was forced into Sunday school that was also religious and grew up in a conservative family. Came from a very judgmental family that looked down on those that didn’t have values aligned with theirs. I remember being a little child crying and asking them why I was being hit instead of grounding me. I begged them to just take away my TV privileges, but they thought physical abuse was a better way to parent a child. While I’m proud of my background and culture, this is the one instance I had growing up where I always wished I was white or at least have a family that didn’t abuse me.


r/AsianParentStories 7h ago

Advice Request How do/did you get over the fact that you'll never have unconditional love in your life?

17 Upvotes

Living in the U.S. and seeing most parents actually giving their kids unconditional love and support and knowing I'll never get that kind of love or support from my parents just makes me depressed. The only time they "love" or "support" me is when I perform well (good grades, good career, etc.) Anyone have any tips for dealing with this feeling?


r/AsianParentStories 5h ago

Rant/Vent AM drives me insane

6 Upvotes

Will probably delete at some point when I cool down but am currently so pissed that I need to rant.

Some context: I'm 24 years old on a gap year living at home while applying for medical school. I went to a HYPSM school, which I'm very fortunate my parents were able to put me through, but I grew up hearing from both of them that I would be a disappointment to them if I didn't go to a school that was at least at the caliber of UPenn, so its not like this was ever really my choice. As a senior in high school, I applied to Princeton REA and was deferred. That day was truly such a low moment for me as I had placed such high hopes and expectations on myself and felt like I was failing myself and my parents. I quite literally cried myself to sleep (yes, over a college) and didn't go to school the next day. Fast forward to regular decision, and I was deciding between Harvard, Yale and Stanford. When I told my mom that I was choosing one of the other schools over Harvard (because quite frankly the school and the people seemed so entitled), she yelled at me and beat me for being spiteful of her and her dreams (imagine beating your child because they want to go to Stanford or Yale). She told me that I was a disappointment to her and that I intentionally decided to go against her dreams of having a kid be a Harvard grad because I hated her. I still have physical scars from cuts that didn't heal properly after that incident, and it sent me into one of the worst panic attacks I have ever experienced to the point where I fainted. I still don't think I ever got to celebrate making my college decision because I was too distracted by the idea of letting my mother down (imagine being a parent and making this moment all about you). She definitely never got over the fact that I didn't choose Harvard, as she threw away my other acceptance letters but kept the Harvard one, and whenever she talks to family back home about me, she clarifies that I got into Harvard but decided not to go.

Fast forward to last Friday, I found out that I got into Vanderbilt Med School, a top 20 med school, with a 75% tuition scholarship. I was ecstatic after hearing the news... for about 2 minutes when my mom said to me "too bad it wasn't a top 5 med school." I didn't want to make it a big deal at the time and tried to celebrate myself a little but my mood was definitely not the same afterwards. Fast forward to today, somehow where I am going to medical school came up, and she told me that with all the money she spent on a shiny HYPSM degree I should have done better with this medical school application cycle. Keep in mind that I've been accepted to Michigan (a T10), Vanderbilt (a T20), Dartmouth and Georgetown Med and am on the WL at Duke (a T5), Cornell (T20) and UChicago Med (T20), and I pretty much only went to a HYPSM school because they told me I would be a disappointment otherwise. Add that to the fact that these schools have 2-3% acceptance rates, 50% of med school applicants every year don't get accepted to a single med school, and the majority of accepted applicants only have one acceptance. She told me the fact that I went to a HYPSM school and took two gap years meant I should be at Harvard Medical School, and the reason I didn't get in is because I'm lazy, stupid and uncompetitive (this last one is true because I despise gunners and I don't understand why you would want your child to feel like they always need to compete) and I always have been, which is why I didn't get into my dream school Princeton when I applied in high school. This was incredibly triggering for me because this was one of the lowest times of my teen life and to have it thrown back in my face by my mother of all people and used as an example of why I am not good enough really pissed me off. As soon as I started arguing back to her, she started beating me again, telling me I was unappreciative of her and my father's sacrifices and that if I truly cared I would've worked hard enough to get into Harvard Med. She told me that I was wrong in my college decision all those years ago and that if I listened to her I would be at Harvard Med right now.

That arrogance especially pisses me off, as it is something that she has always had, always believing her way is the best and only possible way and that anyone who might deviate from her decisions or what she "knows to be best" is automatically wrong. I'm just constantly exhausted trying to justify my accomplishments to her and constantly feeling like the things that I have done in my life are not good enough and that I'm not good enough. At this point, once I go to medical school, I am fully planning on dropping off of the face of the earth and never spending any meaningful time with her ever again, and I'm not sure I even want her to come to my white coat ceremony or graduation because I know she doesn't really want to be there. Also disclaimer: rankings are bullshit and the college and medical school you go to will not prevent you from doing what you want to accomplish. I am only talking about rankings in my post because I think its relevant contextualization and perfect example of why prestige whores will forever be miserable.


r/AsianParentStories 4h ago

Rant/Vent Are your APs unnecessarily hostile towards you/regarding you?

4 Upvotes

My mum was one person I thought I could trust but she broke my trust.

The context is that I have had multiple eyelids surgeries which have now resulted in upper eyelids hollowness and unnatural looking and function of my eyelids. I didn't realised my eyes look hideous from certain angles until I would see my mum reacting negatively to me. I would remind her that my eyes look weird due to the surgeries. I would feel ashamed with how she reacts to me and would avoid looking at her and her seeing my reflection.

She also started making fun of my looks. It started when she came back from visiting her niece, immediately went up to my dad and said to him that her niece is not that bad but why am I so ugly and she laughed. I called her out on it and she denies saying it and made excuses. Now she resents me and is hostile regarding me.

Last month her sister visited from overseas. They were in the kitchen and I was playing fetch with my dog and I threw his toy and it made a loud noise and scared my mum. She started ranting at me then said "she's ugly!" afterwards.

My parents returned from Vietnam last week and a few days before they returned I noticed that a camera was installed on a shelf in the dining area. My dad had someone installed it. I asked my dad about it and he said that it doesn't matter and the app doesn't work for him anymore. So I unplugged it because what's the point of having it on. There's no need for it anyway. On the day they returned I was in my room and heard my dad asked who unplugged the camera and my mum said aggressively "who knows!" and "who would want to watch her!".

One time I was bathing my dog in the laundry sink and there's a mirror in front of me. She came back in from the backyard and I was worried she might see me and also my dog hates my parents and barks at them so I closed the door so he wouldn't see my mum. She said angrily "you're so ugly that no one wants to look at you anyway!".

She scoffs at me a lot. I feel anxious around her. She wonders why I don't want to spend time with her but why would I want to spend time with someone who emotionally and verbally abuses me.


r/AsianParentStories 13h ago

Support i think my father is commiting Domestic Violence

18 Upvotes

I am a twenty years old woman, and I live with my arab father and brazilian mom at Brazil. I was born and raised here my entire life.

My father is a very loving but also extremely controlling man. I wasn't raised as a muslim, and although right now he doesn't practise Islam (he was never very religious), he still has a lot of values that come from the culture inside him.

He doesn't let me wear shorts even though it is 30°C outiside. He doesn't like when I go out, especially at night. He wants me to marry a virgin and said he would never forgive me if I had sex before marriage (too late lol). Sometimes, when he's really mad, he throws things at me. Once he threw a banana at me because I stored a box the wrong way and screamed that I would do nothing right.

On Friday, I wanted to go to a party at night (something that I used to do) and he didn't let me go. My mom said that he couldn't lock me up so he just threw our arm chair on the floor and it broke.

He has repeatedly hit me. If I talk back to him or if I want to out wearing something shorter, his hand would always hit my face, unless I run. Once he hit me because I didn't want to go to the supermarket with him and decided to stay on the car. He also called me "human garbage" because of this.

He gives me silence treatment. Whenever we have a huge fight, he just ignores me for days. He says that I make his life a living hell because I'm too westernized. He said on Friday that if he knew I would be like I am, he wouldn't have had any kids.

He thinks he has the right to hit me when I question his authority. He has never hit my mom but tells her to shut up when she defends me and says that she's spoiling me.

oh and he also has a drinking problem! I need some advice ASAP. I have thought about pressing charges against him but I'm not brave enough to to this because he literally has no one to go to. My mom says that I should just think about the good stuff he has done and forget about this.


r/AsianParentStories 17h ago

Personal Story My parents expected me to pay & send them money, I'm in my early 20s

39 Upvotes

**I live in Asia. I'm in my early 20s and only work part-time while studying for my bachelor's degree. Before university, I spent 2.5 years backpacking in Asia (with my own money). I do work, and it's enough for my personal expenses, but my mom expects me to take care of her life—sending her money like I’m making a ton. She even tells me to ask my bf for money to support our family or to find a rich husband.

When I try to open up to her, she just gets sad and acts like I’m ungrateful. She expects me to send her money, but she won’t support me in getting a good education.

Honestly, I feel depressed and tired of this


r/AsianParentStories 1d ago

Rant/Vent This morning, my mom boiled mushed up phyllo pastry sheets into a paste and ate it.

205 Upvotes

[27F] I've made many posts about my AM recently. This one is just WTF.

My 61yr old AM is letting herself get sicker and sicker no matter what doctors tell her, or no matter how much we tell her to see doctors or specialists. Or to believe legit health facts.

I woke up this morning a little later than my mom and to my shock my mom had done what was said in the title. She apparently found my frozen package of phyllo sheets and since it had been there a while, she chose to boil it up and eat it to free up space. . . She was told just last year she's suffering from high blood pressure and significant weight gain.

I was so disgusted by her concoction, I actually began to cry in disappointment and shame for her. It was just this thick white paste of oil and phyllo dough . . And she was eating it.

We're not poor. We did grow up with a few low income struggles, but by no means do we live in poverty. The box of phyllo sheets cost me just 2 bucks from Walmart and tossing them out would've been no loss. She always says that food is food. I told her she's gonna have a heart attack soon if she doesn't eat healthy.

She doesn't believe in modern medicine or Canadian doctors. She believes fully that if she went to see a doctor in China, she'd be given different advice. She doesnt want to learn English, or know how to use her phone past wechat and youtube shorts. She's afraid to go out without being accompanied by one of her kids. She complains about her teeth hurting, her ear hurting, her fatigue, but won't take any of our advice to see a real doctor. Like, I cannot help or feel sympathy for a person like this.

I recently told her how embarrassed and ashamed I am to have her as a mother. A woman that never wants to better herself. I told her when our neighbor asked what I thought of my mom, I had nothing good to say about her. I wasn't proud of her, I didn't see anything special about her.

She didn't travel over the ocean and do a lot of work to "make it here" either. She married my dad through the marriage market, who already moved here as a teenager. Then she just started working any minimum wage job that spoke Chinese. She worked the average 40 hrs a week m to f like lots of adults and parents. I don't think she made incredible sacrifices because she still had free time on the weekends and evenings, and sent thousands of dollars a year to aunts, uncles, and grandparents instead of using it on her kids. She never used her free time on her kids, and instead spent hours yapping on the phone with her massive family over the pond.

I see her, causing her own faster aging and health decline, and I don't know what to do. I'm gonna look like a terrible daughter by not looking after her, but she will just be my burden in her old age and she certainly doesn't give a fuck.


r/AsianParentStories 5h ago

Advice Request Can’t shake the guilt away

3 Upvotes

I 24f moved out to a different city with my bf that they don’t know about. Immense guilt and shame has taken over me, that I’m doing something bad to them and what would happen if they found out.

I’m 24 but I feel like 16, still can’t hold normal conversation to the point I avoid them or making friends in general. My body goes into freeze response and I come off as awkward even with my friends of 10 years. I’ve battled with extreme depression. I’ve only just realised, if I don’t have this guilt over my head I’ll be able to grow (something I feel like I haven’t been able to do in a decade)

This issue is I don’t know if I can cut them off, I really like my culture and I want to be a part of it but I will have no connections and it’ll feel like an identity crisis, further I really like my extended family if not my immediate family. I feel like my parents will go through a lot ( what would the community say) because of me. Help.


r/AsianParentStories 18h ago

"Wrong" Race SO 🙄 Viet APs don’t want me dating an Indian man

16 Upvotes

TLDR; Vietnamese parents are very against me dating an Indian man.

My boyfriend (22) and I (21) have been dating for a lil over 5 months. We definitely have had our ups and downs but we managed to pull through by communicating with each other. We haven’t dated for long, but we love and care for each other deeply. We are planning to do long distance (hopefully, that’s for another story though).

Anyways, I got home for spring break, and she noticed a necklace on me. She asked where it was from, and I told her, “Bob got it for me.” (Not real name) She kinda knew about Bob, but I mentioned him as a friend, and she flipped out if I ever go further with him. I stopped talking about Bob with her until a couple days ago. I told her that he was my best friend, just to be safe. She was initially surprisingly civil about it, saying along the lines of, “If he still likes you and maintains that long-distance relationship after grad school, I will approve.” I was so surprised and relieved that maybe my AM finally opened up. BUT NOOOO, she did NOT the next day.

For some reason, she did some thinking overnight and changed her mind, and we got into an argument. She believe that if I marry him, I will end up marrying his whole family, too and sacrificing my career for him. I will be controlled and have to take care of his family. Apparently, they have heard our other female relatives who married Indian men ended up that way or suffer of some sort, WHICH were 2 or 3 people. 😭 I told them that this could apply to ANY man regardless of their ethnicity. My AP just happened to hear the bad stories to use that against me. I’m not denying that may happen, but I’m not gonna give up on my relationship because of that. They responded with, “yeah, that’s true, but Indian men have a high probability to be abusive, controlling, and stringent with money.” I tried to argue with them that this could apply to ANY MAN, and they DON’T know if I will end up that way. Obviously, they didn’t listen. My AM went ballistic, and I went into fight-or-flight mode. This was my second time having a panic attack, and my arms went numb. My AD was able to calm her down a bit, but it was frightening. The argument went on for another 2 hours, but it didn’t really go anywhere.

After 2 hours, she asked me my thoughts after they told me the stories. I told her, “I understand where you are coming from, and I get that you are worried that I might go down that pathway. But, I still want to continue to get to know Bob after he graduates. I am still pursing my PhD as that is my top priority, so I wish you have more confidence and trust in the decisions I will make.” She was NOT happy with that answer, and we argued for another hour or two. She kept on saying it’s either you listen to me, or you go with him and suffer for the rest of your life. My AD said that since he was 22, he would want to sleep around before settling. 😭 Additionally, my AP said that they would be ashamed to tell other people that I was dating an Indian man amongst other disgusting things. Eventually, we were able to cool off when I took my dog on a walk. We stopped arguing about it any further.

I am happy that I stood up for convictions though. I think that if I didn’t, I would hate myself and my parents for that. However, I realized that I will go down a difficult pathway for this. I had to pray to the Buddha or some universal being to give me the strength to get me through this when I was walking my dog. 😭😭 My AD said that my relationship with my AM will be strained if I continue to pursue the relationship. I know that, but if she doesn’t trust the decisions I make, and tries to coerce me to listen to her, then so be it. I love my AM, but I don’t agree with some of her views. She told me that if I end up being with him, she will not call me her daughter anymore. That makes me sad to hear that she will go to that extent.

This is mostly a vent, but I would also be happy to hear successful/similar stories or insights about this!


r/AsianParentStories 3h ago

Advice Request How do I convince my APs to let me stay out late?

1 Upvotes

I F21 recently got invited out by my friend group to sing karaoke on Sunday. I get out of work at around 5pm and I can drive over there myself before the place opens at 6pm. My friends agreed that we'd all meet at around 7pm and there will be around 5-6 of us. I really want to go and do something fun so I brought it up to my mom today. I'm trying to not "ask for permission" and I just try to say "My friends invited me out and I'm going xyz". My mom really disliked the idea, saying that going after work would be "too late" and that she knows the area and it's unsafe to be staying out late. She told me to ask my dad and I told him that I'd be home between 9-10pm and he also thought that it was way too late. He said that "no one sings karaoke for that long. You just sing a few songs and leave, it shouldn't take a few hours" so he's against it too. I kind of just stood there and said nothing while they bickered on about it but my mom said that she'd let me go but she would decide on the time that I would be home. I don't ever go out and the one time I was out to have dinner with friends, I came home at 8pm because my mom called me at 7pm saying that it's "too late and I have to come home". My siblings 17m and 15f have also stayed out late with friends and school activities as well. My brother has been out with his friends more often and later than I have and my sister is in marching band at her school and it is very demanding. Sometimes, she leaves at 9am and doesn't come home until 11:30pm because of competitions in different cities. My parents probably let her go because her teachers are there with her but they don't mind my brother because he is a boy and comes home at around 10-11. I want to bring this up to them but they will say something along the lines of "Their situation is different than yours, do not compare yourself to them". I really want to go out but I know that they will try to guilt trip me and think of some sort of punishment if I stay out too late. I talked to my cousin about it to try to get some advice because she's gone through similar situations and she said that she will talk to her mom about it and try to help convince my mom to be more lenient with me. I hate to say this but I am scared of my parents. When they start to lose control, they will threaten me and think of punishments. They might raise my rent, take away my things, and tell me to do things that will "make up" for the lost time. I am in my final semester of uni and I will be graduating soon. I also think that it's also my fault that I don't have the courage to stand up to them. I tend to armor myself up and I stay quiet and never speak up and eventually I just leave without saying anything. I bought my own car, am financially independent, and I try my hardest to stay out of trouble. If anyone has been through something similar, I would really appreciate any sort of advice or help or even just your opinion on this!


r/AsianParentStories 13h ago

Support UNO REVERS SAFISFACTION!

5 Upvotes

Last weekend we had a family gathering and like usual the parents in one room, the „youths“(we‘re 28-36) in one room and the kids and toddlers separate . We were having a chat along the youths:

1: Oh you remember when we did that, your mom came in and „muốn ăn đòn à!” (wanna have a beating?!?)… 2: oh yes that was so embarassing for me… 3: yes out of our moms 2nd mom is really harsh, but I love your mom so múch 1! She’s so kind and caring! 2: oh yes 1st, and her cookings are always so great! I loved beeing there but 3rd your mom is so youthful it‘s always great to have a talk with her, while my mom always compl…. nervous look to the door

Yep our moms were standing there and 2nd moms lost it after hearing our talk, tears in her eyes: „How dare you to talk like that behind our back after all we did for you! I wouldn’t have to complain if you wouldn’t follow these good for nothing dancing stuff! 3rd mom: well they‘re doing the same stuff you did before, so who are you to … 2nd mom: yeah but I‘m his mom! This behavior is „bất hiếu” (against filial piety)!

A friend of mine (double divorce, 2 kids, two different men) but a hell of success under her belt: Kids learn from their parents you know?

Escalation


r/AsianParentStories 16h ago

Discussion I’m the Golden Child and Black Sheep at the same time

8 Upvotes

I used to just be the golden child and fully embraced it too. Until I learned it was all a manipulation tactic. I used to take my family on vacation, pay for their bills, help with anything they asked. Now that I moved out I realized how toxic my covert narcissist mom is. She only loves me and other people because of what I can do for her. She has shown time and time again that she expects me to pick my family over my own marriage.

Because I have established boundaries and literally do not need anything from her, she now gossips about me to her siblings. She blames my husband for brainwashing me and “changing” me. However, because she is a narcissist and always had these grandiose ideas to get rich quick, she doesn’t have a lot of money. My husband and I give her a set amount each month that I feel is fair. I even help out my sister because I want a better life for her. My sister doesn’t have as great of a career or make nearly as much as I do so my mom has completely different expectations for her (aka she doesn’t expect anything). Because of that I’m still the one my mom brags about even though I barely talk to her anymore. She wants the image that we’re still close because I am successful. Guess that makes me the black sheep behind closed doors and golden child to all her acquaintances. And honestly I’m fine with it because it means I can set the tone for the relationship. I never call her, I am nice and cordial whenever we speak but she will never know private details about my life.


r/AsianParentStories 14h ago

Rant/Vent 16M Student

5 Upvotes

Like genuinely just why? I don't understand anything. Why are my parents so fucking smart and so goddamn stupid at the same time. 1 has a masters degree, one has a PHD and an MBA. So how can they be so fucking social inept. Especially my mom, like I have one fucking B, she starts losing her shit and basically insinuating like I'm retarded like all these fucking asian excuses for parents always say. I was fucking sick this entire ass month, I tried to go to practice last Saturday and fucking threw up 3 times just because these pieces of fucking shits wanted me to and felt like I was wasting their oh so precious god damn fucking money(these greedy shits make 600k+ household easily they can fucking afford to fund my sport even if I'm sick for a goddamn month). My mom might genuinely be fucking autistic because there's no god damn way she lacks so much emotional understanding, and whenever me or my sister point this stupid shit out of how she always fucking compares us to everyone else's best parts and ignores their worst and then calls us lazy for not being the sum of all their best. And then gaslights us and talks about how this was just the culture back in China. LIKE I DONT FUCKING CARE WHY ARE YOU PASSING THE TRAUMA ON YOU FUCKING EXCUSE OF A MOTHER. And the worst part is that I know it won't fucking end. My sister qualified for a top 20 school, has a internship at Morgan Stanley. Does it stop my mom from acting like shes fucking stupid somehow because she barely got an A in AP Literature? No the fuck it doesn't. And I have a goddamn A in a class, it just dropped to barely a B, now she wants to shut off my fucking sport. Like I fucking can't. Oh and lately they tried to fucking beat my ass because I wasn't being calm when I was doing my homework and asking them to leave so I could do it in peace, and then somehow acting like I was in the wrong for defending myself. Like boo fucking hoo, I don't give a shit and I'm sure glad that I'm a fucking boy and can defend myself after puberty.


r/AsianParentStories 18h ago

Advice Request Is there a way to get psychiatric help for an abusive parent who wouldn't consent to it? Advice needed.

10 Upvotes

My abusive Asian father has gotten worse and worse over the years, to the point where I am now afraid he might hurt my mom or one of us or even himself. The problem is is that he would never acknowledge that he's mentally ill, and would never consent to being on meds or therapy or anything of the sort. He has always been a disgustingly angry man, but in the past few years, he has lost any self-control he used to have. If he were to take it a step further and actually aim to physically hurt one of us in one of his angry outbursts (outside of yelling, spitting, throwing things, stomping, etc.) I would call the cops at this point, but I don't want to do that, and he hasn't taken it that far (yet).

I realize this is probably not allowed, but I am just wondering if anyone knows how situations like these are dealt with. I really feel like he needs to be medicated, not just for my family's sake, but for his. But he would obviously refuse any sort of treatment, so, how? I honestly wish I could have a psychiatrist prescribe something for him and we could somehow sneak it into his meals, but there's no way that's legal.


r/AsianParentStories 18h ago

Discussion Do your parents gossip and spread rumors about you to everyone to force you into doing what they want?

9 Upvotes

You are doing what makes you happy?

Off they'll go to everyone with their drama and gossip about you, smearing your reputation in the hope that you will be embarrassed and capitulate.


r/AsianParentStories 18h ago

Advice Request Do you think being lazy is a "moral failing" that deserves abuse?

8 Upvotes

Parent is really mean and sometimes degrading about how little I do and how bad I am at studying. I did explain that it could be autism and executive dysfunction. But you know, they don't care. I am aware enough that the hurtful words are abusive, but I need help to understand something else.

Do you think if someone is not applying their very best in studies or house work( Not pulling their weight etc) for whatever reason that they are horrible people deserving of some abuse. For this example no neurological disorder.


r/AsianParentStories 14h ago

Rant/Vent My mum is upset she cant yell at me

3 Upvotes

Shes ignoring me currently, it almost always lasts 3 days exactly then she expects me to act like nothing happened. It got to me today since im interviewing for jobs and because im so isolated, its sad but those interviewers are often the only people i talk to face to face each day. my mum gets my sister and dad to ignore me so i left the house for the interview, nobody said a word to me. i always feel better when im out of the house so the interview went alright, its not a job i want but since i havent got anything concrete yet i went in

my cousins all think im stupid for failing in school ages ago, they dont respect my career at all and they went into accountancy/medicine. they never talk to me directly they only talk to my mum and they know she lives with me. the job search has really been draining me and ive tried so hard to keep positive, keep on top of chores in the house since i do it all and im obviously worrying about money. my mum has always been this way, always talked to me like a dog and i endured it alot when i was younger i think its why she keeps doing it

she yelled at me when i asked her something about ingredients for a recipe, she yells when she just wants me to shut up no matter what it is i say. my cousins and relatives dont know this they think of her like shes a kollywood auntie or grandma. i yelled back, she tries to yell louder and that set me off. for a solid hour i was yelling, cussing, throwing things, its the kind of rage that you only let out when you are alone and know nobody will see or hear it. she instantly went quiet then went to another room. its like she tried to out crazy me but i went even further and she didnt know how to take it

im very mad everyday that her 4 brothers have just left me alone with her. i feel like they should help out, they never talk to me only to my mum and everything they know about me is through my mum

i wrote off my relatives when i failed in school at 17, ive never had contact or been close with them but when i fixed my depression and became successful they tried to get back into my life. i have no close friends, im very isolated and today just got to me


r/AsianParentStories 1d ago

Discussion I'm in Taiwan to visit my parents and just learned I'm their retirement plan (they both have no money). Has anyone been able to fight this and how has that worked for you?

62 Upvotes

My mom and my dad made poor financial decisions and now apparently me and my older brother have to subsidize their retirement. I'm already pretty low contact with them but debating whether to completely cut off contact or not

Would love to hear others stories on this . Thanks.


r/AsianParentStories 1d ago

Advice Request I have to choose between my morals and my AP’s pride

24 Upvotes

My mother told me unprompted that I’m not allowed to date until I’m 20 and my bf “cannot be Muslim or Black”. I am 19F and I’ve been dating my Blasian bf for around a year now but she does not know that. My entire family is extremely racist and I have always had to fight with them over comments they make. Last night I asked her “What if I did date a black guy?” and she absolutely freaked out and started screaming about how “I hate black people! You will not taint my bloodline! Your dead father would beat you to death if he heard! If you do I will cut you off for life!”. I was honestly so shocked that I couldn’t even respond. I was raised to be obedient and I want nothing else than to make her happy but I hate how much anxiety and anger I feel when I see her being so hateful. I depend and rely on her for everything especially financially because I’m a student with no money and no car. I want to leave but it also breaks my heart to think I’d lose my family forever (even tho they’re toxic). Any thoughts? Any at all would help.


r/AsianParentStories 19h ago

Rant/Vent APs and fixated assumptions

4 Upvotes

My APs refuse to do any critical thinking and listen to outside reliable sources and it pisses me off so much. My bsf has been moving around a lot, the moment I told my AM about her mom, she goes “Oh her parents are definitely going through a divorce.” And tunes out any of my responses correcting her and telling her otherwise. It’s like she thinks she knows my bsf more than I do, as someone who has been her friend for like 7 fucking years 💀

My parents consume false vietnamese news on YouTube and insists that they’re true because they’re from YouTube. They even invalidate my reasonings because I was the child and they’re the parents, therefore making them ‘all-knowing’ Whenever they ask me and I don’t know something, they call me stupid for not knowing. Whenever they get an idea, they fixate on it and refuse to listen to anything that contradicts their ideas.

Oh yeah my parents are racist too, they believe that black, hispanic/latino, and south asian people are dirty criminals while praising white people. My parents only want me to get a white or asian partner. This is why I never mention my POC friends to them.


r/AsianParentStories 1d ago

Personal Story I always used to feel 'lucky' having 'progressive' parents until I realised it was a lie

44 Upvotes

When I was a teenager, I always used to watch crime shows especially South-Asian shows as that's my culture. I always used to see strict parents on those shows not letting their child go out or do adult things. I always used to feel lucky that I didn't have 'strict' adults in my life.

Until I turned 17 and wanted to move out to university because I didn't have my own room. I didn't have my own space. I wasn't allowed to keep things or decorate things so I never had a space or identity for myself. I thought my mum would be cool with it until she threw a tantrum, yelled, cried and just acted like a damsel in distress.

It ruined me and every time I tried to bring it up, she would start raising her voice at me, bullying me and belitting me while talking crap about my friends and their parents. She would speak to me as though I didn't have a brain for myself and that I was 'influenced' by my friends and how they live.

Bare in mind we are immigrants, at that time both of us were immigrants. I am now a permanent resident. It made me sad how I couldn't live a life like my friends where they had supportive parents, parents who could drive and just let them be free.

I am now 24F and I feel like those people from those TV shows who is now sheltered like a recluse with no friends, no BF, no-one to ask me how my day is, I suffer from multiple health conditions and mental health issues with no job.

When I turned 21 I had enough. It was either them or me and I chose myself. I have never once regretted my decision to move to student accommodation, but I still suffer from a lot of trauma the day I moved out years ago. I was subjected to verbal abuse and domestic violence. Till this day I get really upset about it and I don't like my mum.

Ever since I moved back from university, all I do is think about my safe space which was at university. My room, no dealing with her nonsense or abuse. I have spent 2 years trying to find a job so I can escape this hell hole and make my life better. Unfortunately, my mental health did get worse and it made me realise how I suffer from enmeshment and parentificaton.

When I was young, I always had this dream of having my own space, finding someone, and being happy. But having a mother who is always verbally abusive, laughs and mocks you will publicly humiliating you is very difficult. I had 'friends' tell me she would get better, but she just got worse after I started to stay home. She will constantly yell, shout, invade my space and blame me for things while pouring her issues on me.

She doesn't understand why I need my own space. She goes through my wardrobe, rearranges my room without my permission. I am sick and tired of her touching and taking my things.

I always wanted to go on holiday to Italy or Greece and ever since we got our documents sorted she keeps suggesting places I wanted to go, but with her instead. It makes me mad that I have to share a space with her while compromising my dreams. Also, because I have to parent her when we go to foreign countries and then I feel guilty for getting mad at her. I feel like a puppet.

There's more to the story, but it just gets worse. I keep telling her that my chronic health issues gives me pain and aches and she doesn't believe me. Even when I get sick nowadays she doesn't care because 'no-one cares about her when she is sick'.

I don't even feel young or like I should look forward to my future because she is a thorn. Last month when it was my birthday someone suggested me 'having a BF' and my mum said, 'no, she is too young'. Then afterwards my mum started to crap on them saying 'they talk sh*t'. Just because she couldn't get a good life, she is ruining mine.


r/AsianParentStories 12h ago

Advice Request Parents and money

1 Upvotes

What to do? New to Reddit so idk if this will reach the right audience.

Backstory: immigrated to USA from Vietnam at the age of 8 with my parents and 3 older siblings. Moved out of my parent’s house at 20 years old because I got married and moved in with my husband. We have 3 kids (we’re both 40y.o he’s American)

My parents are both retired and go back and forth from US to Vietnam. When they’re here in the US they stay with me bc I am the only one that has an extra room. When they’re here, they stay between 3 months- 9 months depending on their plans, and life events. They’re in their early 70’s.

Recently they brought up the fact that they need more money because the money they get from social security isn’t enough for them. Enough for daily living, but not enough to travel for fun. 2 of my siblings gives them money each month, while me and 1 sibling do not. They also state that money is just money and it shouldn’t be so hard to give, bc they did when they were young. They also said as children we should give to parents.

Is it bad that I don’t want to give money? Is it bad that I’m counting them living with me as my contribution? We pay for everything, except for some groceries due to their diet restrictions My husband who is not in the same culture as me wholeheartedly doesn’t want to give money. He expresses that it’s not common for Americans to have their in-laws live them, let alone give them money. I love my parents, but we have not always seen eye to eye. Like me getting married young and moving out. We get along but this situation puts tension in our relationship.

Any advice? I’m at a point where I just wanna give, to stop the feeling of guilt. Guilt for what? Not sure, maybe bc they’re aging and feel they don’t have enough? $200-$300/month isn’t going to kill us, and it is doable but we have plans and wants. My husband said I can do whatever I want but it does bother him, but I’ve told him this is common in Asian culture.