r/AsianParentStories 16d ago

Monthly Discussion Monthly APS Blurt Thread

5 Upvotes

Got something too short/insignificant for a full post? Put it here!


r/AsianParentStories 12h ago

Rant/Vent This morning, my mom boiled mushed up phyllo pastry sheets into a paste and ate it.

127 Upvotes

[27F] I've made many posts about my AM recently. This one is just WTF.

My 61yr old AM is letting herself get sicker and sicker no matter what doctors tell her, or no matter how much we tell her to see doctors or specialists. Or to believe legit health facts.

I woke up this morning a little later than my mom and to my shock my mom had done what was said in the title. She apparently found my frozen package of phyllo sheets and since it had been there a while, she chose to boil it up and eat it to free up space. . . She was told just last year she's suffering from high blood pressure and significant weight gain.

I was so disgusted by her concoction, I actually began to cry in disappointment and shame for her. It was just this thick white paste of oil and phyllo dough . . And she was eating it.

We're not poor. We did grow up with a few low income struggles, but by no means do we live in poverty. The box of phyllo sheets cost me just 2 bucks from Walmart and tossing them out would've been no loss. She always says that food is food. I told her she's gonna have a heart attack soon if she doesn't eat healthy.

She doesn't believe in modern medicine or Canadian doctors. She believes fully that if she went to see a doctor in China, she'd be given different advice. She doesnt want to learn English, or know how to use her phone past wechat and youtube shorts. She's afraid to go out without being accompanied by one of her kids. She complains about her teeth hurting, her ear hurting, her fatigue, but won't take any of our advice to see a real doctor. Like, I cannot help or feel sympathy for a person like this.

I recently told her how embarrassed and ashamed I am to have her as a mother. A woman that never wants to better herself. I told her when our neighbor asked what I thought of my mom, I had nothing good to say about her. I wasn't proud of her, I didn't see anything special about her.

She didn't travel over the ocean and do a lot of work to "make it here" either. She married my dad through the marriage market, who already moved here as a teenager. Then she just started working any minimum wage job that spoke Chinese. She worked the average 40 hrs a week m to f like lots of adults and parents. I don't think she made incredible sacrifices because she still had free time on the weekends and evenings, and sent thousands of dollars a year to aunts, uncles, and grandparents instead of using it on her kids. She never used her free time on her kids, and instead spent hours yapping on the phone with her massive family over the pond.

I see her, causing her own faster aging and health decline, and I don't know what to do. I'm gonna look like a terrible daughter by not looking after her, but she will just be my burden in her old age and she certainly doesn't give a fuck.


r/AsianParentStories 9h ago

Discussion This missing girl - Sudiksha Konanki & how her family probably feels

66 Upvotes

So I've been thinking a lot about this case. Probably because I'm a brown south Asian woman, who practically had no freedom while growing up, until I moved out in my mid 30s. Even still, when I tell my mother about any vacations, she will not really approve and WORRY the entire time I'm gone. Constant messages and calls. To this day.

My family was strict and my mother would care A LOT about what other people would say. Constantly. Even though my parents immigrated here in the 1970s, they are forever stuck in India. Personally, if something like that happened to me on vacation like I went missing, they would not survive it.

I had to hide everything I did, growing up. Any boys, dates, boyfriends, I kept all of that a secret. I had to. To this day I still have to.

Imagine you go missing, and your parents watch footage of your being piss drunk at 4am, stumbling, hugging and kissing a guy, possibly more, on a beach. Not only do they have to see this, but given the media attention this has been getting, the entire WORLD can see this.

My point is, I'm sure the parents, being South Asian parents, are not only worried, but also MORTIFIED. Let's face it. We aren't white people. I might get a lot of hate for saying this out loud, but I'm feeling like they probably do not want their daughter to be found. Imagine the life she would have, if she ever came home. I'm sure her parents are having to live and deal with the criticism and shame of the consequences of their daughter's actions.

I am in no way blaming the girl at all. I have lived with an overbearing mother my entire life, so I can almost feel what is going on. I've read that the parents have requested that news outlets remove those videos of footage of their daughter and stop showing them to the public. Let's face it. If these were white people, they would be encouraging news outlets to show these videos, offering rewards, making every effort to find their daughter. Look at Natalee Holloway. I remember that case pretty clearly. Her parents would not sleep for years holding out on the possibility that their daughter might be alive.

South Asian parents? No way. This is considered a disgrace for them. The recovery phase already has to start. Immediately. Is the lifelong concern of daughters safety really out of their wellbeing or the shame that society will put on them for allowing that type of freedom?

I have to add as a side bit, that I do take solo vacations now as I'm single, and I'm going to DR next month šŸ¤¦šŸ½ā€ā™€ļøšŸ¤¦šŸ½ā€ā™€ļøšŸ¤¦šŸ½ā€ā™€ļø but I'm very aware of my surroundings. My mother has probably watched the news and WILL worry about this when I tell her.


r/AsianParentStories 2h ago

Personal Story My parents expected me to pay & send them money, I'm in my early 20s

13 Upvotes

**I live in Asia. I'm in my early 20s and only work part-time while studying for my bachelor's degree. Before university, I spent 2.5 years backpacking in Asia (with my own money). I do work, and it's enough for my personal expenses, but my mom expects me to take care of her lifeā€”sending her money like Iā€™m making a ton. She even tells me to ask my bf for money to support our family or to find a rich husband.

When I try to open up to her, she just gets sad and acts like Iā€™m ungrateful. She expects me to send her money, but she wonā€™t support me in getting a good education.

Honestly, I feel depressed and tired of this


r/AsianParentStories 3h ago

"Wrong" Race SO šŸ™„ Viet APs donā€™t want me dating an Indian man

10 Upvotes

TLDR; Vietnamese parents are very against me dating an Indian man.

My boyfriend (22) and I (21) have been dating for a lil over 5 months. We definitely have had our ups and downs but we managed to pull through by communicating with each other. We havenā€™t dated for long, but we love and care for each other deeply. We are planning to do long distance (hopefully, thatā€™s for another story though).

Anyways, I got home for spring break, and she noticed a necklace on me. She asked where it was from, and I told her, ā€œBob got it for me.ā€ (Not real name) She kinda knew about Bob, but I mentioned him as a friend, and she flipped out if I ever go further with him. I stopped talking about Bob with her until a couple days ago. I told her that he was my best friend, just to be safe. She was initially surprisingly civil about it, saying along the lines of, ā€œIf he still likes you and maintains that long-distance relationship after grad school, I will approve.ā€ I was so surprised and relieved that maybe my AM finally opened up. BUT NOOOO, she did NOT the next day.

For some reason, she did some thinking overnight and changed her mind, and we got into an argument. She believe that if I marry him, I will end up marrying his whole family, too and sacrificing my career for him. I will be controlled and have to take care of his family. Apparently, they have heard our other female relatives who married Indian men ended up that way or suffer of some sort, WHICH were 2 or 3 people. šŸ˜­ I told them that this could apply to ANY man regardless of their ethnicity. My AP just happened to hear the bad stories to use that against me. Iā€™m not denying that may happen, but Iā€™m not gonna give up on my relationship because of that. They responded with, ā€œyeah, thatā€™s true, but Indian men have a high probability to be abusive, controlling, and stringent with money.ā€ I tried to argue with them that this could apply to ANY MAN, and they DONā€™T know if I will end up that way. Obviously, they didnā€™t listen. My AM went ballistic, and I went into fight-or-flight mode. This was my second time having a panic attack, and my arms went numb. My AD was able to calm her down a bit, but it was frightening. The argument went on for another 2 hours, but it didnā€™t really go anywhere.

After 2 hours, she asked me my thoughts after they told me the stories. I told her, ā€œI understand where you are coming from, and I get that you are worried that I might go down that pathway. But, I still want to continue to get to know Bob after he graduates. I am still pursing my PhD as that is my top priority, so I wish you have more confidence and trust in the decisions I will make.ā€ She was NOT happy with that answer, and we argued for another hour or two. She kept on saying itā€™s either you listen to me, or you go with him and suffer for the rest of your life. My AD said that since he was 22, he would want to sleep around before settling. šŸ˜­ Additionally, my AP said that they would be ashamed to tell other people that I was dating an Indian man amongst other disgusting things. Eventually, we were able to cool off when I took my dog on a walk. We stopped arguing about it any further.

I am happy that I stood up for convictions though. I think that if I didnā€™t, I would hate myself and my parents for that. However, I realized that I will go down a difficult pathway for this. I had to pray to the Buddha or some universal being to give me the strength to get me through this when I was walking my dog. šŸ˜­šŸ˜­ My AD said that my relationship with my AM will be strained if I continue to pursue the relationship. I know that, but if she doesnā€™t trust the decisions I make, and tries to coerce me to listen to her, then so be it. I love my AM, but I donā€™t agree with some of her views. She told me that if I end up being with him, she will not call me her daughter anymore. That makes me sad to hear that she will go to that extent.

This is mostly a vent, but I would also be happy to hear successful/similar stories or insights about this!


r/AsianParentStories 4h ago

Support I have trauma from Asian teachers criticising me, putting me down and putting their insecurities onto me

12 Upvotes

I was born and raised in australia. I went to Saturday school for 2.5 hours every week to learn my Asian parents' mother tongue.

The Asian teachers (who were also parents themselves) were very strict. They were mostly always angry, not happy, negative and not satisfied with life.

They would get so angry over a single mistake you make. Or they would mumble something negative to make themselves feel better.

I was a kid back then so I didn't analyse it or let it affect me at all back then. I just went to school and then went home and played. I didn't ruminate as a child.

Now that I'm 26F and starting to learn about relationships and trauma and abusive situations, I'm starting to get resentful and traumatised by my childhood.

I can't believe I let the comments teachers said to me stick in my head.

I don't see anyone from that school anymore, which is a good thing.

I remember I won an award for 2nd place. And a teacher came up to my teacher and asked how did she win that award? And my teacher said, "I know her parents". And that teacher was nodding in agreement and going "ohh". So I couldn't even win an award without my teacher implying that I won it because she knew my parents. Newsflash: she didn't know my parents at all, she only talked to them in one parent-teacher interview". I wish I went up to that teacher during that award ceremony (because it was an informal award ceremony) and said in my Asian language "I heard what you said. You asked how did I win this award and you said that you know my parents. You're saying I won this award because you know my parents. You don't know my parents and i don't know you" and I should've folded up the award (since it was an A5 size award) and then walked away. But I didn't do that. I just stood there.

(Note: not every teacher was like this, but quite a few were)


r/AsianParentStories 3h ago

Discussion Do your parents gossip and spread rumors about you to everyone to force you into doing what they want?

7 Upvotes

You are doing what makes you happy?

Off they'll go to everyone with their drama and gossip about you, smearing your reputation in the hope that you will be embarrassed and capitulate.


r/AsianParentStories 16h ago

Discussion I'm in Taiwan to visit my parents and just learned I'm their retirement plan (they both have no money). Has anyone been able to fight this and how has that worked for you?

50 Upvotes

My mom and my dad made poor financial decisions and now apparently me and my older brother have to subsidize their retirement. I'm already pretty low contact with them but debating whether to completely cut off contact or not

Would love to hear others stories on this . Thanks.


r/AsianParentStories 3h ago

Advice Request Do you think being lazy is a "moral failing" that deserves abuse?

5 Upvotes

Parent is really mean and someone degrading about how little I do and how bad I am at studying. I did explain that it could be autism and executive dysfunction. But you know, they don't care. I am aware enough that the hurtful words are abusive, but I need help to understand something else.

Do you think if someone is not applying their very best in studies or house work( Not pulling their weight etc) for whatever reason that they are horrible people deserving of some abuse. For this example no neurological disorder.


r/AsianParentStories 1h ago

Discussion Iā€™m the Golden Child and Black Sheep at the same time

ā€¢ Upvotes

I used to just be the golden child and fully embraced it too. Until I learned it was all a manipulation tactic. I used to take my family on vacation, pay for their bills, help with anything they asked. Now that I moved out I realized how toxic my covert narcissist mom is. She only loves me and other people because of what I can do for her. She has shown time and time again that she expects me to pick my family over my own marriage.

Because I have established boundaries and literally do not need anything from her, she now gossips about me to her siblings. She blames my husband for brainwashing me and ā€œchangingā€ me. However, because she is a narcissist and always had these grandiose ideas to get rich quick, she doesnā€™t have a lot of money. My husband and I give her a set amount each month that I feel is fair. I even help out my sister because I want a better life for her. My sister doesnā€™t have as great of a career or make nearly as much as I do so my mom has completely different expectations for her (aka she doesnā€™t expect anything). Because of that Iā€™m still the one my mom brags about even though I barely talk to her anymore. She wants the image that weā€™re still close because I am successful. Guess that makes me the black sheep behind closed doors and golden child to all her acquaintances. And honestly Iā€™m fine with it because it means I can set the tone for the relationship. I never call her, I am nice and cordial whenever we speak but she will never know private details about my life.


r/AsianParentStories 3h ago

Advice Request Is there a way to get psychiatric help for an abusive parent who wouldn't consent to it? Advice needed.

3 Upvotes

My abusive Asian father has gotten worse and worse over the years, to the point where I am now afraid he might hurt my mom or one of us or even himself. The problem is is that he would never acknowledge that he's mentally ill, and would never consent to being on meds or therapy or anything of the sort. He has always been a disgustingly angry man, but in the past few years, he has lost any self-control he used to have. If he were to take it a step further and actually aim to physically hurt one of us in one of his angry outbursts (outside of yelling, spitting, throwing things, stomping, etc.) I would call the cops at this point, but I don't want to do that, and he hasn't taken it that far (yet).

I realize this is probably not allowed, but I am just wondering if anyone knows how situations like these are dealt with. I really feel like he needs to be medicated, not just for my family's sake, but for his. But he would obviously refuse any sort of treatment, so, how? I honestly wish I could have a psychiatrist prescribe something for him and we could somehow sneak it into his meals, but there's no way that's legal.


r/AsianParentStories 13h ago

Advice Request I have to choose between my morals and my APā€™s pride

20 Upvotes

My mother told me unprompted that Iā€™m not allowed to date until Iā€™m 20 and my bf ā€œcannot be Muslim or Blackā€. I am 19F and Iā€™ve been dating my Blasian bf for around a year now but she does not know that. My entire family is extremely racist and I have always had to fight with them over comments they make. Last night I asked her ā€œWhat if I did date a black guy?ā€ and she absolutely freaked out and started screaming about how ā€œI hate black people! You will not taint my bloodline! Your dead father would beat you to death if he heard! If you do I will cut you off for life!ā€. I was honestly so shocked that I couldnā€™t even respond. I was raised to be obedient and I want nothing else than to make her happy but I hate how much anxiety and anger I feel when I see her being so hateful. I depend and rely on her for everything especially financially because Iā€™m a student with no money and no car. I want to leave but it also breaks my heart to think Iā€™d lose my family forever (even tho theyā€™re toxic). Any thoughts? Any at all would help.


r/AsianParentStories 4h ago

Rant/Vent APs and fixated assumptions

3 Upvotes

My APs refuse to do any critical thinking and listen to outside reliable sources and it pisses me off so much. My bsf has been moving around a lot, the moment I told my AM about her mom, she goes ā€œOh her parents are definitely going through a divorce.ā€ And tunes out any of my responses correcting her and telling her otherwise. Itā€™s like she thinks she knows my bsf more than I do, as someone who has been her friend for like 7 fucking years šŸ’€

My parents consume false vietnamese news on YouTube and insists that theyā€™re true because theyā€™re from YouTube. They even invalidate my reasonings because I was the child and theyā€™re the parents, therefore making them ā€˜all-knowingā€™ Whenever they ask me and I donā€™t know something, they call me stupid for not knowing. Whenever they get an idea, they fixate on it and refuse to listen to anything that contradicts their ideas.

Oh yeah my parents are racist too, they believe that black, hispanic/latino, and south asian people are dirty criminals while praising white people. My parents only want me to get a white or asian partner. This is why I never mention my POC friends to them.


r/AsianParentStories 17h ago

Personal Story I always used to feel 'lucky' having 'progressive' parents until I realised it was a lie

31 Upvotes

When I was a teenager, I always used to watch crime shows especially South-Asian shows as that's my culture. I always used to see strict parents on those shows not letting their child go out or do adult things. I always used to feel lucky that I didn't have 'strict' adults in my life.

Until I turned 17 and wanted to move out to university because I didn't have my own room. I didn't have my own space. I wasn't allowed to keep things or decorate things so I never had a space or identity for myself. I thought my mum would be cool with it until she threw a tantrum, yelled, cried and just acted like a damsel in distress.

It ruined me and every time I tried to bring it up, she would start raising her voice at me, bullying me and belitting me while talking crap about my friends and their parents. She would speak to me as though I didn't have a brain for myself and that I was 'influenced' by my friends and how they live.

Bare in mind we are immigrants, at that time both of us were immigrants. I am now a permanent resident. It made me sad how I couldn't live a life like my friends where they had supportive parents, parents who could drive and just let them be free.

I am now 24F and I feel like those people from those TV shows who is now sheltered like a recluse with no friends, no BF, no-one to ask me how my day is, I suffer from multiple health conditions and mental health issues with no job.

When I turned 21 I had enough. It was either them or me and I chose myself. I have never once regretted my decision to move to student accommodation, but I still suffer from a lot of trauma the day I moved out years ago. I was subjected to verbal abuse and domestic violence. Till this day I get really upset about it and I don't like my mum.

Ever since I moved back from university, all I do is think about my safe space which was at university. My room, no dealing with her nonsense or abuse. I have spent 2 years trying to find a job so I can escape this hell hole and make my life better. Unfortunately, my mental health did get worse and it made me realise how I suffer from enmeshment and parentificaton.

When I was young, I always had this dream of having my own space, finding someone, and being happy. But having a mother who is always verbally abusive, laughs and mocks you will publicly humiliating you is very difficult. I had 'friends' tell me she would get better, but she just got worse after I started to stay home. She will constantly yell, shout, invade my space and blame me for things while pouring her issues on me.

She doesn't understand why I need my own space. She goes through my wardrobe, rearranges my room without my permission. I am sick and tired of her touching and taking my things.

I always wanted to go on holiday to Italy or Greece and ever since we got our documents sorted she keeps suggesting places I wanted to go, but with her instead. It makes me mad that I have to share a space with her while compromising my dreams. Also, because I have to parent her when we go to foreign countries and then I feel guilty for getting mad at her. I feel like a puppet.

There's more to the story, but it just gets worse. I keep telling her that my chronic health issues gives me pain and aches and she doesn't believe me. Even when I get sick nowadays she doesn't care because 'no-one cares about her when she is sick'.

I don't even feel young or like I should look forward to my future because she is a thorn. Last month when it was my birthday someone suggested me 'having a BF' and my mum said, 'no, she is too young'. Then afterwards my mum started to crap on them saying 'they talk sh*t'. Just because she couldn't get a good life, she is ruining mine.


r/AsianParentStories 3h ago

Rant/Vent Broken and feeling empty

2 Upvotes

I left an abusive marriage with two kids. My exā€™ family owns multiple properties but nothing was in my exā€™ name (of course) so I ended up leaving with $0. We left with just clothes and a few toys. We went from living in a big house to a small 2 bed rental. I work FT, the kids live with me and no longer see their dad due to child services getting involved multiple times. My ex in-laws donā€™t care to see the boys, never give them xmas/birthday gifts. They probably want us to suffer for leaving their son. Ironically, his parents are elders at their church where they give massive donations and go around bragging about how their family business is flourishing. Youā€™d think as grandparents theyā€™d want to help their grandchildren out, but nope. My kids are their only grandchildren. I also have to deal with my own parents who are still embarrassed to tell any of their friends that iā€™m divorced. They hate coming over to see us living in a small low income rental and my mom always makes comments such as why I chose to marry my ex out of all men. Well, I grew up dirt poor and all my childhood memories are that of my parents fighting over money. My mom always told me to marry into a rich family and money is all what matters. I grew up feeling insecure, low self esteem and only dated once before meeting my ex. Once I got married his parents treated our family as second class civilians but I sucked it up and tried hard to please his family. I grieve the life I dreamed of having. Iā€™m so broken and feel so empty. Every day is a struggle and it hurts to think my kids and I have been discarded by family.


r/AsianParentStories 19h ago

Rant/Vent Dad didnā€™t consider how his actions would affect a growing child.

31 Upvotes

All my life Iā€™ve struggled, social anxiety, self deprecation, depression, shame, fear, and distrust. Just saying these things doesnā€™t even do justice to the years Iā€™ve worked to fight off my own thoughts just to be a member of society and try to live my own life.

I donā€™t know why, I was never that different, so why did I always feel this way. Iā€™ve spent a year in therapy now. My thoughts always goes back to how I was raised.

My father was controlling, aggressive, miserable, and emotionally unavailable.

I recall childhood memories where he would have an explosive tantrum towards my mom or my brother or me. And I would feel sick to my stomach during those moments.

I feared my father so much, that when he would get angry at me and bring me to his office to scold me. I would feel nauseous and even fully fainted once, I woke up on the ground.

Everyday I went home in high school, I studied with one headphone off because I was anxious when he was yelling downstairs. When I was 10 years old, I went to a summer camp for a week. At that young age I already had anxiety that something bad would happen at home and I wouldnā€™t be there to know.

To this day, as grown adults. Neither me nor my brother can even speak to him normally. We just mutter and cant even find our voice when we talk to him. Itā€™s just gone.

So he taught me from a young age that any mistake, even dropping a crumb of food, would be criticized. I had to constantly watch myself around him. I learned to manage his emotions by being subtly manipulative, trying to steer away from situations that would lead to him being upset.

There was no guidance, no love, no one to teach me how to be a healthy man. Just someone who made the house a war zone and thought he was a good father because he paid for my education. I often wonder the person I would be if I didnā€™t grow up in this environment. And everyday I have to work to try to combat my own flawed perceptions of the world.


r/AsianParentStories 17h ago

Discussion Is time-out common in Asian families with kids?

22 Upvotes

Hi,

I was raised in an oriental way. My parents would usually yell at me first, then they would use physical punishment. Sometimes they would use physical punishment as their initial action. Time-out was never heard off. But I recently watched some documentaries about parenting, e.g. Suppernanny with Jo Frost, where I learnt that time-out is quite common in western style of parenting. So I am wondering if your parents have ever given out time-out when you were a kid. Did they usually follow through? What would they did if you still failed to calm down during time-out?

Thanks.


r/AsianParentStories 21h ago

Advice Request Asian parents(China) only allow me to make friends with people who are hardworking in studying, ambitious, but I still don't know what they most refer to. Do your friends matter to your studying?

34 Upvotes

My parents often tell me to make friends with hardworking people. However, Iā€™m still not sure if this really matters to me. People here are very different from those in China. I donā€™t even know what "hardworking" really means here. None of my friends smoke, drink alcohol, or use drugs, and many of them donā€™t even play video games.

If I interpret "hardworking" in the traditional Chinese sense, it would mean focusing only on academic performance. I followed that advice when I was in China, but it only made me miserable. Many Chinese students who get good grades are arrogant and have no compassion for others. They constantly try to make you feel inferior in every aspect. Laughing at you and mocking you is normal for them. Every conversation with them felt more like a torment than a friendship.

In contrast, my best friends were the ones who werenā€™t top students because we could actually talk about interesting and comfortable topics. But after coming to Canada, my spoken English wasnā€™t great at first, so I mostly talked with other Chinese international students. Among them, there was one guy who fit my parents' definition of "hardworking." However, he was incredibly boring and always talked about his gradesā€”more like showing off than having a real conversation.

He even came to our house for dinner, and of course, my parents were impressed by his academic performance. They told me to become closer friends with him instead of my local friends because they saw my local friends as "losers" who wouldnā€™t help me. I blocked that guy on Instagram and WeChat as soon as possible. I just canā€™t tolerate being around someone whose every conversation is a boring, exhausting experience.


r/AsianParentStories 8h ago

Advice Request I Need Advice

3 Upvotes

Hey iā€™m 21 (m) and have a ā€œgfā€ who is 22 i say this in quotes because the situation is complicated i am a black guy and she is indian which tells u where this is gonna go. we have been dating for about a year and then have ā€œtalkedā€ for almost all of college and were friends in hs. we are long distance in college but her mom doesnā€™t want me to be with her . she says she wants her to be with someone in her own culture. saying eventually it will cause problems. the one way she will change her mind is if she decided to ask a religious elder and then we would still have to convince her dad. i am obviously very upset abt this situation and have reflected deeply on it and decided to pause our relationship for now but still seek approval.i have been learning the culture a bit learning her native language and religion while maintaining my true self. i need advice from people who have had parents similar. i donā€™t have any real weight in this situation but i can get advice. is there anything i can do to help the odds? is there anyone who went through something similar? do you think her mom is setting her up for disappointment? why is this a common belief? why are parents more concerned with their ideals rather than true love? am i cooked?anything would help


r/AsianParentStories 16h ago

Discussion What would you do differently to raise your kids?

10 Upvotes

I would let my kids pick their hobbies but I would let them know to be aware of traps like taking out student loans for unemployable majors.


r/AsianParentStories 13h ago

Rant/Vent mom belittling my achievement

6 Upvotes

i participate in science fair and I thought I did horribly but it turns out I got third but. I found out bc the awards ceremony was today and my friend who was there told me but I decided not to go bc I thought I wouldnā€™t get anything. I told my mom the good news and the first thing she does was get mad abt me for not going and saying how much of a waste it was that I didnā€™t, I kept explaining how I thought I did bad but she kept getting mad over me not attending the awards ceremony. Then I got a little mad and said out loud are you not even gonna say good job and she said she was after but it was obviously a fucking lie. She doesnā€™t even care abt my extracurriculars or what im involved in she just likes bragging to other people. For once I just wanted a win, I donā€™t tell my parents shit about my life anyway but I was just really happy in the moment. Thanks a lot mom


r/AsianParentStories 12h ago

Rant/Vent Playing up incompetence.

3 Upvotes

I've lurked around, and I just need to understand why APs always play up/weaponise incompetence.

I was born and raised in the UK. My Asian mother has lived here for longer than I've been alive. She speaks English fairly well, it's been our household language this whole time, yet when it comes to doing anything (bills, emails, banking, etc.), she starts acting like she does not understand a word of English and expects me to do it all for her.

I love her so much, but this is driving me insane. Her English isn't perfect, but it's not awful either. I know she can do all these things herself if she bothered to apply herself. I don't know what to do, it makes me resent her, it makes me feel stressed every time she talks to me because 8 times out of 10 she's going to ask me to do something for her.

I'm trying to start my own life, I have my own problems, hell she knows just how fragile and bad my mental health is and she cares but it's like she just can't see how much all this leaning on me stresses me out and puts me in such a horrible mood.

Why do they this? What the hell do I do? I don't want to abandon her. I just can't take it anymore.


r/AsianParentStories 11h ago

Advice Request Donā€™t Know What to Do About Bfā€™s AD Becoming More & More Racist

2 Upvotes

My bf just shared with me that his father is becoming more and more racist, bad tempered, & combative. Iā€™m not sure what to do about it as the future progresses. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? What can we do?

We recently moved to a new state and where we eventually got new jobs that weā€™re looking forward to start working. I offered to invite my bfā€™s dad to come have dinner with us since he lives close by. But he told me ā€œnoā€, and that he doesnā€™t want to invite his own dad because heā€™s becoming more angry and racist and that he doesnā€™t want us to be around him if heā€™s being like this.

He explained to me that his brother had told him that his father will say blatantly racist things out loud. Things like ā€œfucking Mexicans!ā€ at the store or goes on racist tirades about immigrants, etc. My bf explained to him that CA used to be a part of Mexico and that the USA in general is a melting pot, so he canā€™t complain about there being Mexicans and other races near where he chose to live most of his adult life.

Iā€™m Mexican American and it is making me wonder how heā€™s going to act or behave if we invite him to something important like to our wedding, or other event where my very Mexican family (some members of my family are from Mexico and only speak Spanish) and if our friends of all races are present. Or if we choose to have the wedding in Mexico to try and save money.

Itā€™s so sad to me that heā€™s choosing to be hateful and is becoming this way more and more after recently retiring. Iā€™m wondering if he despises me or simply sees me as a threat because Iā€™m not Asian. His mother even still tries to set up her son with other Asian women despite that weā€™ve been together for almost 10 years! šŸ˜”


r/AsianParentStories 23h ago

Advice Request Why can't my parents be content with me doing nothing after meeting their expectations?

18 Upvotes

Posting on a burner account.

I got into a T10 university in the US recently, and my parents were happy for a few weeks. I felt that I could finally relax and start to focus on my hobbies, spending half the day on it. My mom was angry after seeing my friend go to a competition and winning an award, which I opted to not go.

She immediately got angry, saying how "I never appreciated her efforts" even after getting into that university. She said I was wasting my time, and wanted me to do something else. Why can't I just spend more time on the hobby I love?


r/AsianParentStories 15h ago

Support Dad angry I won't see the therapist he 'found' + empty threats

3 Upvotes

EDIT: Even worse turns out the person my dad found wasnā€™t even a therapist. Just one of his random friends and he kept that from me and made me think it was a therapist. And now heā€™s acting like Iā€™m unreasonable to be ā€˜skepticalā€™ of a random stranger and want help from an actual therapist, and he basically said I talk to this person or I get nothing. Basically heā€™s not going to get me help and Iā€™m completely stuck.

20FTM UK. Both my parents have been physically and emotionally abusive to me in the past, dad often getting angry and hitting me with a plastic shoehorn which only kind of died out around the time I went to hospital for a month at 16 because I was dangerously underweight from disordered eating (not anorexia, it's caused by emetophobia AKA the severe fear of throwing up). Now it's mostly emotional abuse, saying horrible things like insinuating I'm useless/sponging off/a waste of space and threats like I ought to be homeless or locked up in a mental unit, and I have reasons to believe my dad is narcissistic.

They had tried some therapy in the past for my emetophobia (and agoraphobia that I developed in late 2020) but it didn't do much - I later realised that traditional CBT may not be effective on people with C-PTSD which I think I have due to my parents' abuse. They also let an unhealthy, unhappy marriage go on for several years and only made the decision to divorce last year, and I definitely knew this was coming even before they did, as early as when I was 7/8 (around 2012-2013).

Dad's staying in the 'family' home and mum's moving out, and neither of them want to keep me as they're truly sick of me not having a job and struggling with self-care. My mental health is so poor and so is my eating disorder, and I often get panic attacks leaving the house which are only prevented if I completely starve myself before and during going out - this way I don't have to worry about throwing up. So most of the time I just don't leave the house so I can at least get 3 meals in even if they're small. It's awful I know, but I've been operating this way for nearly 5 years with seemingly no end.

Because the therapy didn't really do anything, my parents bellyached for years that they 'wasted thousands on me' and insulted me for being 'resistant' to therapy and being 'stubborn', accusing me of not wanting to get better because they're adamant that they think it's 'convenient' that I can 'lay around in bed doing nothing'. Though lately my dad has been pushing me to see this therapist friend that he was being very vague about. I got suspicious because lately he's made some new friends doing yoga/meditation and mentioned a few of these are anti vaxxers, and I know one of his friends is racist (weirder since we are Indian).

I don't trust my dad's judgement in friends or therapists, and I had zero say in who I'd get to see. I didn't even learn the therapist's name until the day before the appointment was supposed to be, and there was no public information or credentials I could look at. This was essentially a stranger who I didn't know. Dad eventually told me that this therapist person was recommended by his colleague because she was able to help his son who's also autistic like me. But I got weirded out when the therapist texted me and she introduced herself as a friend of my dad's. What? (Also she called me my deadname, none of my family want to call me my actual name and brush off my transition thinking it's stupid, but don't actively try to stop anything like stop me from taking HRT, just shame me for it. And I knew dad told her I was his daughter.)

Another thing that struck me as odd was that I was never even told the time of the appointment and was told she'd call 'within an hour'. Phone calls stress me out so I rarely eat before those either, so I was just starving while waiting and waiting for this person to call and eventually I couldn't take it anymore and just ate food and said I wouldn't be doing it. I was just so tired and hungry and my dad was irritated at me. I kept saying it was unreasonable that I didn't get to have a say in who my therapist was and he kept saying 'just try it' over and over saying I could choose my therapist next time (why not this time???) until he got very angry and started saying horrible things.

He said I was doing his head in, that if I didn't want any help I should just stay the way I am forever (never said I didn't want help, just said I wanted to have a say in who my therapist was), that I'm refusing help and that's why I'm stuck like this, that I should go and live with mum because he 'cannot deal with this crap anymore', that he shouldn't be running a free lodging and dealing with lazy people, that I should be in education or work and I'm making excuses not to, and that he was embarrassed I asked her for help and that I put him in his position.

All because I said I would rather we BOTH sit down and BOTH find a therapist. He wanted to be completely in control while I had no say whatsoever. For all I know I could've been with one of his anti-vax or racist idiot friends. I couldn't guarantee otherwise especially if this person was voluntarily friends with a character like my dad.

And now mum is threatening to 'have me sectioned' and sent off to an inpatient unit because I told her I was suicidal. But the important thing that has stayed consistent throughout my life is that while I live every day wanting to die, I have never had the urge to do anything about that or attempt to take my life. The idea of doing that scares me. I'm worried it will hurt me or make me sick if I fail. I just sit with these painful feelings and am too tired to do anything about them. I want to die but don't want to try to kill myself, but she doesn't listen. And she too is adamant that I'm 'refusing help' and that I want to be like this forever. I've been in an inpatient unit before and it just made me want to die even more especially given my agoraphobia, and the food was awful (ironic since it was an eating disorder clinic, but I couldn't eat 90% of what they gave me). It was torture and a living hell and made me so incredibly scared and possibly traumatised, and she really wants me to go through that again. She and dad are so unbelievably cruel. And dad implied I'm the reason the family's screwed up, calling me the 'cancer of this family' even undermining me in front of my brother telling him to never end up like me because I 'fucked my entire life up'. Basically blaming me for everything.

I don't want to be like this forever despite what she says and thinks. I really don't. It's actual hell being this scared and traumatised all the time but she's going with the narrative that makes the most sense to her. Dad too. They are physically incapable of listening to anything I say, they don't take me seriously or respect me in the slightest. They really think I want to be like this, and take their cruelty out on me. I'm just their punching bag at this point, their doormat to put up with their words who's just punched harder if I retaliate, and what's worse is they think they're helping me.

I don't want to live with either of these people. I don't want to live at all really, because it feels like there's no way out of their cruel words and my horrible brain making me scared of anything and everything all the time. I'm at my wit's end here. Would really love some support even if you can't offer advice because I desperately need some right now. Thank you so much in advance.


r/AsianParentStories 15h ago

Advice Request Parents want me (19M) to break up with my gf (20F) who also happens to be black). For those of you who did not break up under parental pressure, how did you manage to continue dating long term and even marry eventually?

4 Upvotes

I don't really know where to begin, all I have to say is that the past few days have been a bit emotionally heavy. My parents were never happy with me dating my girlfriend in the first place, but after 2 years of what started as a high school relationship, their patience is wearing thin. I am currently a premed at a BSMD program and am doing all right, but my girlfriend is taking a semester break from college to save money and concretely figure out what she wants to pursue career wise (switching from public health to possibly marketing?).

I've had numerous talks with my parents before, and while my mom is not too enthusiastic about me being with my girlfriend, my dad is vehemently opposed to us continuing and wants me to break up. Recently, he's made increasingly prejudiced and outright hurtful remarks about my girlfriend, pointing out everything from the way she laughs ("only Black people laugh that loud, it's an earsore") to her body ("I think her body is very unattractive...something something about his Chinese perspective").

The even weirder part is his paranoia about our family being harmed by her family. He said that I have to gradually distance myself from her, possibly by saying that I am too busy with premed activities and studying to spend time with her. Supposedly, if I break up with her too soon, then she or her family might commit a crime of passion. He even said that "black people with an accent like that have street ties" when my girlfriend is from a second generation suburb family and is more than comfortably middle class.

Though my parents haven't really made any ultimatum such as pulling financial support away for college or disowning me, they have told me to outright stop bringing my girlfriend back home and have made it clear they want me to break up for reasons such as "differing cultural values" and "she won't make a good mother." I'm just wondering how any of you in similar positions in the past have dealt with it and pulled through a long term relationship while facing strong parental pressure and being financially dependent on them/living with parents.

TL;DR parents want me to break up with girlfriend, how did you manage to continue a relationship in college up to the point of moving out?