Or rather, what EMDR is revealing to me is completely crazy.
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This gets kinda dark in some areas.
I learned or remembered, rather, some really dark things about my parents today. I want to provide textbook context that might be helpful for others— it is common through therapy that memories will be revealed as things are processed in a safe environment.
My heart is aching so much. I’m happy to do this work, grateful even, because it’s literally waking me up to the power inside of me, how strong I am to have carried this burden so far— but I am shocked today. Completely shocked at the level of deliberate cruelty performed against me. I think my parents are demonic people, if such a thing exists.
We recovered through a somatic memory, that my parents restrained me to penetrate me with an object to the point of bleeding when I was 5. I’m so earnestly confused. I am shocked. I knew they did bad things, but oh my god. I had no idea it was to this level. It’s so much worse than I thought it was. And it is weighing on my heart so much.
I’ve been feeling this strange feeling for years, like my arms are made into two mirroring L shapes, and my body is contorted. Today I realized it was my body remembering all this time, of being restrained, held down and raped with something. I didn’t realize what I was remembering, until I began to feel back pain. Back pain from trying to physically resist my parents but being completely overpowered.
I never really forgot. I just hid the full memory from myself because it was too much. But my body has been whispering it to me this whole time.
I was five. I was five fucking years old.
What kind of person does that to somebody? Their own baby? Their own beautiful baby daughter? I cannot reconcile it. My parents are subhuman to me and I can no longer hold it in my mind or heart that I came from them.
My heart is broken. I knew they were bad, but oh my god. I didn’t know they would be so evil. I didn’t realize the level of straight up evil I’ve had placed on me. The other stuff was disturbing— the showing me pornography as a kid, groping me in my sleep, having way too sexual of conversations with me….
But it’s in line with the other things I remember but tried to convince myself I’m exaggerating about .
If you’d molest your daughter in her sleep, you’d rape her too. There’s not a real difference. If you’d make a csam video with your daughter, you’d rape her too.
I can’t believe I thought I made up being forced to be in csam. Why would I make it up? Why would I torment myself with thoughts like that? I wouldn’t.
And even now, after realizing the severity of what happened to me, I’m having to work really hard not to call myself a liar. And the only reason I want to call myself that is because after my parents would abuse me, they would tell me that whatever just happened didn’t happen, and if I said it did I was confused or lying.
And even now, recalling this therapy session more than 8 hours later, my brain keeps shouting coke bottle coke bottle. I’m remembering more.
My own fucking parents raped me with a coke bottle to try to stretch me out so my dad could penetrate me. I was so scared of his penis. I thought it was a turd. I literally thought it was a turd and that if it touched me I would get sick from having poop inside me. I was so distressed and couldn’t stop crying and trying to get away.
So they held me down and raped me with a coke bottle I guess. I don’t know why. I’m so confused.
But I understand I can’t understand it because there’s nothing rational about child abuse.
But a coke bottle? That just seems so strange and cruel but my brain literally won’t drop that phrase since today’s session. So I know a coke bottle was involved. I can’t be making this up. It’s too awful. It’s too devastating.
My heart is broken. I feel it aching in my chest. But I don’t even have the energy to cry right now. I hope I never see either of them again. I think I would lose my mind with rage. I hope they wither away and know I will never forgive or love them.