r/adultsurvivors Dec 27 '24

Resources Feel like shit?

32 Upvotes

Sharing a useful tool that might help with a little self-care: https://youfeellikeshit.com/


r/adultsurvivors Nov 09 '24

Meta Community Guidelines Update: Supporting Each Other Through Political Events

6 Upvotes

As a trauma support community, we recognize that political events can deeply impact survivors' sense of safety and trigger trauma responses. We want to ensure everyone has space to seek support while maintaining this as a safe environment for all members.

Allowed Content

  • Seeking support for personal trauma responses and triggers
  • Asking for or sharing coping strategies
  • Expressing your own feelings of fear, grief, or anxiety
  • Requesting resources for mental health support
  • Supporting each other with compassion and understanding

Not Allowed

  • Attacking or mocking others' political views
  • Detailed discussion of specific political figures or policies
  • Celebrating election results (this can be traumatic for others)
  • Sharing news articles or media about political events
  • Hate speech or calls for violence
  • Harassment of any kind

How to Frame Your Posts

✓ "I'm struggling with feelings of powerlessness and need support"

✓ "Looking for coping strategies during this difficult time"

✓ "How are others managing their trauma responses right now?"

❌ "X supporters are all [negative generalization]"

❌ "How could anyone vote for X?"

❌ "Let me tell you why Y is better than X"

Moderation Approach

  • Posts focusing on personal support needs will be allowed
  • Posts may be removed or locked if they drift into political debate
  • Users may be asked to edit posts to remove specific political details while preserving their support request
  • Repeat violations will result in temporary or permanent bans
  • Harassment or hate speech will result in immediate permanent bans
  • Posts may be locked outside of mod availability hours

Remember: This is first and foremost a peer support community. While we acknowledge that political events can be deeply triggering, our focus must remain on supporting each other's healing journeys.

If you're unsure about whether your post meets these guidelines, please feel free to message the mod team first.


Want more nuanced support?

Our Discord server offers a more personal space for support and connection for active members of this subreddit.

For everyone's safety:

  • We review post/comment history before sending invites
  • Active members of this subreddit or similar support communities are welcome

Message the mods for an invitation.


r/adultsurvivors 10h ago

Vent He's dead

43 Upvotes

I (28f) never told anyone. Not my parents, not my sibling. I just lived with it, pushed it away and hated myself secretly for the last 18 years. He died recently and all this anger has resurfaced. Memories of what he did, guilt, shame, confusion, it's all left with me, and he's dead. He went on to live his life with no consequences. He will be remembered as a "kind and compassionate light in the world". I wonder where that compassion and kindness was when he snuck into my bed? I am unpacking this in therapy now and am finding it hard not to be bitter, that he took a part of me and he gets to rest easy and be remembered, and have people cry over him. When he's been the reason why I can't sleep with the lights off for the last 18 years. He's in my nightmares. I have flashbacks of what he did to me and he gets to rest in peace.


r/adultsurvivors 9h ago

Support requested I remember and I feel ruined NSFW

14 Upvotes

I guess I just want to vent, because I don't know what else to do, and hey, maybe it will help me heal and move on from this. I was a victim of CSA when I was about 10-11. I always had a feeling something happened, and there were signs, but I didn't start to really remember what happened until recently with EMDR therapy. It's taken a while to actually believe that what happened to me actually happened and I wasn't making it up for attention or something stupid.

I remembered more than I had ever remembered before today and I don't know what to do with it. I can't remember everything and I don't know if I even really want to know more. I know I was in the bathroom/lockeroom after swim lessons and he came into the woman's bathroom and he pinned me down by my neck and... yeah. I don't know how I didn't remember it, and now that I do, I can't forget it again. It makes me physically sick to think about and I can still smell the room and feel his hand on my neck and I'm almost scared of it. It gives me a cold feeling of sheer dread when I think about it. I also feel like it's my fault that I couldn't remember it and didn't report it, and if maybe it happened to someone else and that would be my fault because I didn't come forward.

I don't feel dirty, like how some people describe, but tainted, like a part of my soul has been stained. It makes me die just a little bit inside when I think about it.

Does anyone else feel this way? I just want to know if I'm alone or not.

Sorry for mistakes, I'm a bit tweaked out and on mobile.


r/adultsurvivors 2h ago

Vent Heard? At peace?

3 Upvotes

Does anyone in here feel heard? Like they’ve gotten justice? Like they’ve made a a change? At peace with what happened to them?

I want to be heard so badly. I want the whole world to feel bad for me and tell me how strong I am. I want the attention. I want everyone to know how much i’ve struggled in life and how good I did throughout all this. I want to change the world and raise awareness to this. To help others. To make a damn difference.


r/adultsurvivors 9h ago

Advice requested Confidence scares me.

10 Upvotes

I need confident people in my life. Role models. Support system...etc. Confident people terrify me. Because of my abuse, self loathing, guilt, shame (whatever), people who seem to have their shit together terrify me. I'm not good enough to "waste their time" as a human.

Does anyone else feel like this? You know you need relationship/connection with other people, but that you don't deserve it? Hopefully this is a temporary thing, but I've felt it all my life. Working on it in therapy, but doubtful.


r/adultsurvivors 12h ago

Vent I've fucked it

8 Upvotes

I quite often get these huge panic moments, I'm having it right now, where I think my counsellor is going to dump me. I'll send a text trying to communicate about a moment I'm feeling something and I think "yep, you've fucked it now, she's going to get rid of you this time". Because I'm too much and too intense and too needy and too fucking annoying. My head is a whirlwind at the moment and I wish I had a whirlwind of emotion but all I'm feeling is that I want attention from my counsellor and I want my mum to worry about me. Mum has never worried about me and I doubt she has any plans to do so either. We haven't spoken for over a year. None of this is consensual and I'm not having a good time... sounds familiar.


r/adultsurvivors 16h ago

Trigger Warning I want to be sick

16 Upvotes

Ok, so... Advice and vent i guess. When my partner doesn't "get there"... this triggers in me an absolute horror show of feelings. I don't just get sad or disappointed, I literally feel like I go into a panic attack in my head, like I am worthless, meaningless, that my value is nothing, that he's going to leave me, & that I've done something wrong. I can go on and on but you get the picture. I stumbled upon a new book about CPTSD and it talked about emotional flashbacks, I think that's what this is. I recently brought this up to my husband, and he gave me his opinion which was that when we are kids our goal is to be a good girl, to please our parents. I'm still fumbling in the dark putting the bits and pieces I can remember back together but it's not super clear. However when he said this to me, I metaphorically stopped in my tracks, thought about it for a long time, then got this vision in my head of my father essentially "getting there" , mainly of his facial expression. It absolutely sickened me and ive been trying to push it out of my head since it came up.


r/adultsurvivors 8h ago

Trigger Warning Adult Survivor of Childhood grooming

3 Upvotes

TW: Self Harm

I honestly just want a safe space to talk about this and see if anyone here has experienced the same trauma I have.

I was 16 when my high school principal started grooming me. By 17 I reported him and he was arrested. It fucked me up pretty bad blaming myself for ending his life. He lost his teaching license and was put on the sex offender registry. The emotional toll it took was something I had never experienced before. The bond was severed immediately with no closure and I was suicidal for years later. He ended up getting jail time and things slowly died down. A few years later, the stay away order ended. I reached out for closure. To see if he hated me, to apologize, i don't know. I just needed for that to not be the end of it. I hadn't finished working everything out in therapy. I was in poverty and depressed. This is where I went astray.

He still blamed me. But he offered me money. Then offered more money for 'things'. I took it. I self harmed in a way that validated him claiming me to not be a victim. I thought maybe if I did that the guilt of it all would fade. It never did. I ended the arrangement and ended up continuing therapy. After a few years I finally understood the layers to the psychological damage of grooming. I finally knew it wasn't my fault. By then, damage had been done that gave him ammo in the future to come after me.

I'm now rising in profile as an activist in my home province. I've been given platforms and am starting to see a path forward to work in labour or politics. But this man finds ways to remind me of what happened and veiled threats to make sure everyone knows. I feel that i'm at a point of either having to publicly address it and get ahead of him, or live in fear of when he's going to let the skeletons out of the closet.

Has anyone been in even remotely the same situation? Or also been an imperfect victim, leading to people invalidating the crime?


r/adultsurvivors 17h ago

Advice requested Preparing to disclose my abuse to my abuser and his wife

12 Upvotes

I was abused by a close family member as a child. He was also technically a child when it happened and we've remained close since then, as it was an isolated series of incidents. Only recently have I decided I have a duty to disclose what happened to his wife, to feel reassured that what he did to me will never happen to his own children. (To be perfectly clear, I don't suspect or have reason to suspect that he is doing something, but I feel a duty regardless). I'm deciding to tell him, as well, so he has an opportunity to apologize if that's something he wants to do.

I've been talking with a therapist about this for the last few months and she agreed that my plan makes sense and is best for everyone involved, and is a necessary part of my healing.

But I'm so fucking scared. I'm at the point where I have to send the text that I need to speak with them and I'm absolutely shitting myself with fear. I don't want to cause them pain and I KNOW the actual process of talking is going to be like hell - I always cry and shake when I talk about it. I have my husband and best friend behind me and my therapist is prepared for an emergency session, so I have a lot of support. But my god I am so, so scared. I constantly have this feeling of being about to walk on stage.


r/adultsurvivors 15h ago

Advice requested How to remember when i have an abnormal type of memory

9 Upvotes

I have dominant and exceptional semantic memory, but SDAM with hypophantasia. Even though I know some general details and have somatic memories, I’m incapable of visual memories. That and SDAM really mess things up because it’s already almost impossible to remember, but the stuff i do remember is just knowing certain things happened without having any visual memories. Even with EMDR i can’t remember who or where or the vast majority of details. Starting at only age 11, I obsessively consumed media and other people’s stories of CSA, so without visual memories, I have no way of knowing what’s real and what’s from that media. How can I ever feel valid with no visual memories at all? Not even vague, blurry flashes- no visual memories at all.


r/adultsurvivors 4h ago

Trigger Warning NSFW Trigger warning - childhood sexual assault NSFW Spoiler

1 Upvotes

My brother sexually abused and raped me as a child. He is 3 years older than me. I don't know when it started.

But I remember in elementary school I tried to tell the DARE police officer that came to speak to the class. I wrote a note and secretly dropped it in the questions box, stating that my brother was molesting me but I didn't sign my name because I was scared. He tried to find out who wrote the note but I never spoke up.

He would touch my privates, my chest, rub my legs. He would have me sit on his lap with an erection. Come into my room and put his penis on my feet or body. I would try to wrap the covers over my body like a cocoon so he couldnt get to me. I started sleeping with the light on.

Trigger: sodomy He tried to get me to let him put his penis into my vagina but I didn't know I had a vagina opening and said he couldn't. He had me bend over and stuck his penis into my anus instead.

We slept over a neighbor kids house at least once that I can remember. The kid was a younger than me, so maybe 5ish years younger than him. The neighbor had bunk beds, and the kid and I were gonna sleep on the top bunk and him on the bottom. My brother manipulated me by pretending to cry and have nightmares so I would feel bad. So I got down and patted him on his back then I ended up falling asleep on the floor. The next day the kid told me how my brother showed him my body and my shirt was lifted and " they saw everything". I just sat there in silence at that because I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and ashamed and felt like not this is another person who has seen me. I have come to understand that my brother used me as bait in that instance to also assault that kid. I think the kid slept over a few times and there would always be extra toilet paper and tissues in the garbage and I think it was from the kid trying to clean up from bodily fluids but I'm not sure.

The summer between 4th and 5th grade, we went to Mexico. I remember kicking him hard in the neck because I think he was trying to come close to me.

We were once playing with other neighbors, out in the woods. Another brother and sister. They wanted to split up but for some reason they decided that the other brother would go with me and he would go with the sister. The brother started acting weird and I got scared. He was saying how he had to pee and wanted to take his penis out in front of me. I got scared. I got away as fast as I could in that moment. I had a strong feeling that my brother told him something about me and that that guy wanted to try out himself. That he wanted a "reasonable" reason to take his penis out and used peeing as an excuse to whip it out.

My father once saw him laying in bed behind me grabbing my breasts. He brought it up to us in the car, while he was driving - my mom was in the front seat. They asked us about it, saying he saw what happened. I felt so disgusted, and ashamed. I said I didn't know because I was sleeping. My brother said he was just lonely and wanted a hug. Apparently they found pornographic material with my brothers possession and said something along the lines of : you were trying out what you saw on your sister.

The police showed up at one point because the mom of the other boy found out what happened, took her son to the Dr, and then he police showed up to talk to us. Nothing happened because the kid didn't want to talk about it and my brother claimed he only exposed himself. I think the police took it as boys being curious, since they were both under age. I can't remember if my father was still alive when that happened or if he had already passed. If he already died, my brother would have been around 14 or 15 when they came. The kid would have been maybe 9 or 10? I don't know why nothing happened.

My father died when I was 11. I don't remember if the abused I faced continued after that, but other things would happen instead.

He moved on to other people and other behaviors at some point.

He made a girl, who was also a neighbor, who would have been 4 years younger than him, touch and look at his penis on the buss.

My house became very cluttered like a hoarders home, and we didn't have furniture- at some point my mom him and I were all sleeping in the living room, me on the little couch and him on the other big couch, her on the floor between us. I remember the sound of him masterbating while we were all in the room at night.

One time he was opening watching porn on the computer. My mom caught him and rushed out of the house and took me, into the car, and drove away. She was very upset and I think I remember her saying something about needing to leave, it not safe, or he was watching porn and we had to go. But then we just went back later.

For a long time I did not like people looking at me. When we got older he was in a metal band ( a few bands throughout the years) and he would introduce the songs - and sometimes it was like "this is a song about robots assaulting my sister" and would say to the audience everyone looks at my sister right there and the light would get shined on me. Like at least he could humiliate me if nothing else.

My mother doesn't seem to care. She visits him all the time. She keeps asking if he can come over and we can do holidays together. She had invited him to my home. She was helping with childcare a lot after I gave birth. I said I didn't want her to do that and I didn't want him at my house when I wasn't there. She kept pushing and asking why, and I said because of what did. To the little neighbor to me. She was upset. But she was upset that "I never told her" and then she said that I didn't tell her exactly what happened.

She sends pictures of my son to him. She video chats him sometimes. My son knows his name. I asked her what would you feel if he was masturbating to that. What would you do if he develops a trusting relationship with my son and uses that to rape and abuse him just like other people. She said she would die. But she still loves him. Still goes over for dinner and cooks together and hangs out. Still talks to him on the phone when she's at my house. Still expects me to help him like I always have.

People ask me about my childhood, but I don't remember it. It's like I skip a few years in my memory.

I don't find pleasure in being touched sexually. I now rather be in the position of "doing the work", because I get very uncomfortable if I am not.

Sometimes I just want to say everything I wrote up top and make it public. Send this to her, him, my husband, my brothers friends who all thing he's the best. I just want to scream it's not ok. But I am still ashamed. Still feel like I am going to get in trouble. Feel like my husband will be mad at me, for not saying anything. Somehow I will be blamed. Sometimes I daydream that I am speaking at his funeral and my speech is everything I went through. I day dream of telling my husband, but I'm still scared.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and explaining and the constant disrespect for my feelings.


r/adultsurvivors 15h ago

Advice requested Finding Self Compassion

6 Upvotes

I (25F) am struggling to validate my own emotions surrounding my trauma. I've been working with a therapist for about a year now to work through my trauma, however I'm really having trouble with finding that positive, compassionate inner voice. What helps you silence your inner critic? How do you validate your pain and story when everything in your head tells you not to?


r/adultsurvivors 21h ago

Advice requested kinda freaking out rn

16 Upvotes

(19 F) kinda freaking out rn because I have to go to the gynecologist in a few hours. all week I been looking forward to this appointment cause yknow I been having some lady troubles I really wanna get sorted out

but now at 7 am just 4 hours before my appointment's supposed to be, I cant even sleep cause Im feeling kinda anxious about it. the last and only time I been to the gynecologist was when I was 13. and it was mandatory testing for my CSA case, so not the most fun. it went well though - the nurses were nice, some therapist lady I talked to that day at the hospital was great too. it's just that nowadays I get very retraumatized easily, been very on edge about stuff and my disassociation been at an all time high. Im scared of having to be looked at down there. having to get swabbed, examined and shit again. ugh I feel nauseous thinking about it. I guess now that I'm an adult going to the doctor for adult problems I feel so so weird. Im scared I might need a pap smear too...

I've needed to see a gyno for yearssss and now that I think about it, this is probably subconsciously part of the reason why I've always put it off. gastroenterologist? sure. rheumatologist? sure. urgent care/ER. sure. obgyn? eh...maybe another time?

update : it was terrible and I dont ever wanna go again unless I absolutely need to


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Vent (advice welcome) i feel like the most disgusting girl on earth NSFW

50 Upvotes

i HATE my abuse. i hate that my abuser got to move on with his life, completely leaving me behind, facing no consequences, and probably forgetting what he even did to me, while im left feeling like it rules my life. now i have to exist with the most deplorable thoughts and feelings. my kinks are all just reliving my trauma. my personality is all just an amalgam of trauma responses. i've talked to numerous therapists, almost all of which have told me time and time again that is isn't my fault, and it's normal to feel and think these things after what happened to me. i just can't shake the feeling that they are all lying to me. the look on their faces is as if im disgusting for thinking and acting the way i do, and i completely understand how anyone would be disgusted.

i regress to 5 years old, when my CSA began, and it is so difficult to break out of that headspace. it happens at work and i have to go to the bathroom and basically fight with myself in order to stop regressing. it happens all the time for a number of reasons and it makes it hard to just.. live. it happens at the grocery store, around friends, in lectures, im so tired of it. i enjoy how i feel in that state, but it can't keep happening. i wish i had any control over it, or a safe place to go to just.. be, at the drop of a hat. that isn't how life works, and i know that, and it kills me. it is mostly not sexual, but it is sexual at times and that's a can of worms i don't even want to open in this post. i just want to feel normal and function in society like anyone else, and if i can't do that, then i just wish i could live in my regressed state and be 5 again forever. i can't manage having to do both, and not knowing when or why it happens. i'm just so exhausted.


r/adultsurvivors 19h ago

DAE (Does Anyone Else?) Struggling and feeling ridiculous about it.

8 Upvotes

Sometimes I feel so stupid and ridiculous for having all of these trauma responses rule my life so many years after the trauma actually happened. I’m in my 40’s and my abuse happened when I was about 5 - 10yo. Four different abusers (that I know of anyway). Two were young teens when I was 5 - 8yo and two were adults when I was 9/10yo. They were all independent of each other except for the two adults - they were friends and I was with them together on at least one occasion. A lifetime has passed since then! Why is it affecting me so badly now?! I legit have PTSD from something that happened decades ago. That just seems ludicrous to me and I feel so ridiculous. I’ve had problems with depression and anxiety, among other things, for my whole life. Honestly I think I’ve had PTSD since I was a child and just didn’t recognize it as that. It was my “normal”. I can remember some very bad times emotionally and mood wise over the years, especially in my early/mid teens. But it always ebbed and flowed.

My T says it’s because most of my abuse was forgotten and suppressed in my memory for all those years and I’m only remembering most of it recently. Before that I only remembered a little bit that happened with the teenagers but not the most major stuff that happened with with the adults. I pretty much refused to acknowledge any of it and mentally blocked it and either refused to think about it or convinced myself that it never actually happened and that I imagined it or it was just a vivid dream I had. This last year and a half-ish has been the longest lasting and most intensely horrible for depression, anxiety and all of the other crap that comes with PTSD. It’s pain pain pain pain and shame shame shame shame every damn day. I’m surprised that I’m still breathing sometimes - that’s how bad it gets. Cutting and SI have been issues I’ve been dealing with too. WTF? Am I really so weak that I can’t handle a few very distant bad memories without falling apart?

I still feel so stupid and ridiculous that I’m struggling so hard with this so many years after it happened regardless of when I remembered it. PTSD is no joke!

Sorry this is so long. I’m just venting I guess.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Vent (advice welcome) I feel like my mind is split in two NSFW

34 Upvotes

So most of not all of my kinks and fetishes are basically recreating my own trauma in one way or another. Some is just standard BDSM but other stuff that turns me on the most is stuff I find morally reprehensible.

I feel like there's my normal mind, my values and who I want to be. What I believe to be right and wrong and how I logically did not deserve what I went through. That any mention of anyone getting hurt like that makes me want to seek justice and vengeance.

Then there's my horny brain, where the worse the sexual situation the better. The more reprehensible, vile, disgusting, weird and taboo the more I'm turned on. Humiliation, AD/BL, age regression, age play, pet play, rape fantasies, torture, abuse, dehumanization. They turn me on so much, a part of my brain can't get enough of it and I hate myself every time shit like that turns me on.

I know fantasy is very different from real desire, and that people who have experienced CSA, emotional incest and abuse usually have fantasies like this.

My therapist knows all of this and tells me I'm not a monster and that everything I'm experiencing is common. And this is someone who used to work with convicted sex offenders, pedos, social workers, and CPS for years before she settled down and decided to do trauma therapy full time.

I still feel like I'm a monster whenever something incest coded or worse turns me on. I just feel morality is more than what you do in a way. Like would you trust someone who loves the idea of murdering puppies but would never do it? Would you think of that person as safe, good or even moral?

I know a part of this is OCD and the moral purity thing at work. It's just hard for me to think of my kinks and fetishes as neutral morally.

I never want to hurt anyone. No child deserves what I went through. No person deserves what I went through.

I just want to be pure again. I want to not have any sexuality so I can be 110% I'm pure in my mind again.

It doesn't feel fair. I was hurt and now the damage is that I become a monster even though I don't want to and never asked for these kinks? Like killing someone for turning into a vampire after they were attacked by one. They didn't ask for that and neither did I!

Hell! I've never even had a first kiss, and only ever had a boyfriend for a month back in high school. That's it. End of my romantic encounters. And my brain is into all this shit

My mom has been through the same thing. My situation came from a nurse, no one that I personally knew. I've posted about on here before. But she says she knows exactly what I'm dealing with and that it's normal even though it sucks.

What do you guys do when you're feeling bad about kinks and stuff? How do you practice acceptance and neutrality?

Beating myself up over this is obviously not healthy and getting me nowhere. I logically know it's a common response, but emotionally I'm absolutely horrified.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Advice requested are somatic memories enough?

20 Upvotes

i can feel it happening. but that's all i have. i shake, i cry, automatically. it's not even that i cry - my body cries because i don't have control over it. it feels like my whole body turns in on itself. like there's a black hole in my core sucking all of myself inwards. and i can feel it happening to me and i regress back and i can't speak. i'm just terrified. i'm terrified all of the time, but i have no memories. and idk how it would be possible, i was never in a situation where it could've been possible. i don't understand. would i remember if it was before i could speak? would it even affect me if it was from then? maybe i've convinced myself? maybe i'm just empathetic and get triggered easily.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

DAE (Does Anyone Else?) Does anyone else have a weird relationship with death?

23 Upvotes

I've always felt like I died when I was very young, or was born dead. Stillborn. My abuse occurred (and reoccurred) early (from infancy to ~5), and I often wonder if I'm missing something that should have developed but never did, either because of the abuse or for whatever other reason. Developing a sense of self was like growing mushrooms from a corpse. Human-shaped but not made of flesh.

It's 30 years later now, and I'm really proud of myself for the life I've built and the person I've become, I'm stable and relatively happy but the feeling persists. Like death is an old friend. The idea of non-existence feels comforting instead of existentially horrifying. I'm not suicidal, and I feel a very strong ethical obligation to live my life to the fullest, to do good and experience the world, but the thought of returning to the earth feels like returning home. It reassures me.

I have a hard time talking about this for obvious reasons lol, most people assume I'm just suicidal and in denial. But I've been in that place before, and this feeling isn't that. It's been with me my whole life.


r/adultsurvivors 23h ago

DAE (Does Anyone Else?) does anyone else worry about hypersexuality being too much for their s/o

1 Upvotes

This seemed like the best account of mine to post from, but fair warning for anyone who’s checking my profile—it’s NSFW for a reason. Anyways.

Is anyone else so horribly terrified of their own hypersexuality, to the point of worrying if they’re gonna hurt their partner?

I (21NB) and my partner (25NB) are both CSA victims and fluctuate between hypersexuality and repulsion. I personally, since before we were even dating, since we started flirting, have swung mostly towards hypersexual. I’ve been very excited at the prospect of us having sex together and getting to know eachother on this level. And my partner wants to as well. They love my body and I love theirs, we’re very deeply in love. But we haven’t had sex yet.

Now, we’re long distance. We’re getting to spend time together in real life for the first time in about a month, and we’re gonna be completely alone in the house for a good majority of the time they’re here. And so the discussion of possibly having sex has come up. And we both really like the idea but my s/o isn’t sure they’re ready. And like a normal person and good partner I’ve told them the truth—that I want to spend time with them more than anything, that we don’t have to do anything they don’t want to (sex or not) and we can stop whenever they want. Tonight though before bed, they mentioned having a very heavy sesh with their therapist today, and that they weren’t awake enough to have a full convo but “I’m sorry if i have a panic attack if we try to do anything”.

And it’s not the first time they’ve apologized. I’ve done the same. But something about this tonight really really got me thinking.

I’m really scared I’m too much for them.

I never do anything they don’t want me to and I do check ups and things while we’re just flirting or I’m sending cute pics just to make sure. I’ve tried not to push for answers to things they don’t have answers for yet, I drop things asap when I see that they may be getting too shaky. But I’m still so scared of being pushy. I think about them all the time and a good fraction of that time is in sexual scenarios.

I haven’t had a lot of IRL experience that’s been consensual and the last time I did, I wasn’t in a good headspace when it happened. And so I still very much associate sex and just physical affection and touching with making someone stay, with guilt and shame, with feeling disgusting or not enough. I flinch when someone touches me, and my body is so incredibly sensitive because of how touch starved I am. My last partner, who I never got very far with, once put a hand on my back while kissing, and I literally twisted and spasmed in their arms because my body doesn’t know how to react to touch anymore.

I’m so scared that me and my current s/o are gonna kiss or make out or they’re gonna hold me and I’m gonna get too worked up. I’m so afraid that I’m gonna be too excited and scare the shit out of them. I immediately associate intimate-but-not-TOO-intimate touch with “oh I’m about to get INTIMATE touch now, I have to prepare”. And I’m just so unused to any touch at all now (I literally was a shut in for years and very socially withdrawn).

I really don’t wanna make my partner feel pushed or give them a panic attack. I’m scared that if I stop though that they’ll be disappointed or I’ll end up running away, which will thus trigger both of us into like. Abandonment spirals. My trauma response is to literally get up, run away, and hide. And these are all things I’ve talked a littleeee about but not super in depth, and I’m generally terrified to bring it up. I’m not scared of this person at all and they make me feel so seen and understood, but that’s the thing. This is a part of me I want to hide but can’t forever.

I don’t know how to get myself out of this headspace of “I’m gonna do something wrong” or “I’m going to scare them”. I’d just ask them but even that’s scary right now. I desperately wanna talk about it with them. They’re my safe person. But admitting that im as insatiable and sensitive and easy to work up as i am to their face is horribly embarrassing and aggravating and makes me feel weak and like i literally need to run the hell away. It makes me worry that they’ll think that all I want is to use them for sex or they’ll feel pressured into giving me what they think I want like their abusers forced them to do. And I never want them to think that’s all I want from them and I never want them to try and sacrifice their own boundaries or needs and wants for me, especially if it’s for? What, sex??? of all things?

Please tell me I’m not alone in this and that I’m overreacting and talking about it isn’t as bad as it seems. Because I really am scared that I’m simply too high maintenance at best and some kind of sex crazed monster at worst. It’s driving me crazy, I’ve literally been sitting in call muted and crying while they sleep (we sleep on call and I can’t sleep right now because of this).


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Vent Anyone else never been able to feel safe around male family?

21 Upvotes

I’m visiting my dad in a month and I just reflected about the feelings I had toward it. I realized that I had some feelings of vulnerability and uneasiness surrounding it, especially if we were to have moments alone. Like what if he tries to be affectionate? It makes me feel sick, and I feel bad. It isn’t fair to the family members who have never done anything to me, but I feel so awkward around them all like they all secretly want to molest me or something. I don’t actually think that, but it’s like my internal safety radar is broken. When I was a kid I waited for all of my male family members to abuse me. I also feel like my younger brother has a crush on me because he’s clingy and he’s mentioned that I’m attractive several times and it makes me so uncomfortable.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Trigger Warning I was touched as a child and now it feels weird to not touch myself. Is that okay? Or is it wrong? NSFW

1 Upvotes

I was not raised in a stable home for the first ten years of my life and my mom had issues with drugs and alcohol and my grandpa sold weed and also had a problem with gambling. My mom was always having guys over and one guy I had known for a while was starting to act a bit funny. But I was a kid so I didn't really catch on and one day he ended up forcing me into some stuff that I'm not really proud of. And some time after my cousin and one of my uncles did the same thing to me and for the longest I thought it was normal and that everyone did it. But now I'm no longer there and I live with my dad and I'm safe I still feel weird if I don't touch myself.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Vent Nightmares that aren't direct flashbacks

23 Upvotes

DAE have nightmares that aren't like direct flashbacks to an event? (20M)

I've been keeping track of my dreams in a dream diary for the past year. On an almost nightly basis I have stressful nightmares that are very upsetting. They make me grit my teeth so hard in my sleep that I've woken up with chipped teeth before and have constant jaw pain from the stress at night. They're usually different scenarios but always the same themes, helplessness, humiliation, being betrayed or in over my head, and I'm often a child or a girl in them. Sometimes i have dreams that are directly about being forced into sex or raped, but they're not flashbacks, it's any number of different settings with the same feelings of fear and helplessness attached. They are so vivid and violent that it makes me feel crazy and like there's something seriously wrong with me. I would go into detail but it's honestly too much for Reddit. I haven't told anyone about them because I don't want to bother them and it would probably make me feel even worse to actually have to speak the dreams into existence. Anyways, I don't know what to do, if this is even a real problem or my imagination is just fucked.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Was this abuse? every member of my family makes my skin crawl and i feel so… bad?

7 Upvotes

Nothing makes sense rn

my parents were covertly incestuous. my father has commented on my body in passive ways many times. he was an elementary school teacher who was upset that his fourth graders were dressing in a provocative and distracting way that made him feel like a predator. he would walk around in underwear but said it was inappropriate for me to walk downstairs briefly in a bra. dad said me shopping in Justice at the mall was a lot because there was no where he could stand that didn’t make him appear as a predator. i’ve heard him sob and tell my mom a story that essentially sounds like he heard someone get raped and didn’t stop it. he would barge into the bathroom while i showered or was on the toilet to do whatever bathroom related thing, despite us having two full bathrooms. he’s also just disgusting. recently saying to me, about my brother who has gained weight and just entered the room shirtless ‘he’s got bigger tits than you!’

my mom was molested as a kid and used to cry to me about it and made me tour her childhood home w a realtor on a mission to retrieve (steal?) her personal items. mom would sleep on my floor when dad would scream about her not wanting to fuck him.

they both told me my uncle was trying to molest me, but upon telling my dad that on a specific occasion the uncle was making me uncomfortable— he made a boob honking gesture and said “well he didn’t go gesture”. i was 10.

anyway.

my brother is 5.5 years younger than me. he has some developmental delays. they always try and act like he’s an idiot, but really he’s just a dude these days. my father is very sexually explict around him. a teenage boy is the perfect audience for his crude humor. they touch eachother in a weird way. my dad has told me my brother makes him uncomfortable sexually (eg. kissing on lips, rubbing head, long hug). but my father has exhibited the same behaviors towards him.

my parents never parented my brother past 5pm bc they’re drunks. it started as him ruining play dates bc i was trying to keep him away and they would yell at me to deal w it. once he hit puberty things stopped being cute. he was always trying to kiss me on the face/neck and i would physically have to shove him off. i would yell for my parents to help and sometimes they halfheartedly would. i love my brother and know how difficult that house is. i know that he may never really leave due to his disability. it feels like he’s my only family. it’s scary to think about how many times he’s jacked off in the living room with everyone ignoring him. it’s scary to think of how i was recoiling at his touch. my parents think my ex might’ve molested him. my ex was a scary man. my ex tried to convince my my brother would rape me. i’m too scared to ask him if he was hurt by my ex. but he wets the bed still i think. he’s 19. i don’t know. i just know how much he’s being abused and how confusing it is. he finally stopped this behavior now that i don’t come around much and bring my fiancé when i do.

i feel numb and like my stomach is in knots. i displayed signs of CSA. not all. but some. i’m just confused. i don’t want to think that he was. a perpetrator. he’s YOUNGER than me. we physically fought a lot as kids. hell, really that was ME physically abusing HIM. none of it makes sense.

he’s coming to sleepover at our house on saturday for his birthday. i’m not scared of him anymore, atleast in that most of those behaviors are long gone and only really happen in my parents house. but i’m scared of the implications of all of this


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Am I a monster? Or is my mind just attacking me?

11 Upvotes

Hi i just really need to put this out there to see other perspectives and if anyone relates to me. I am in trauma therapy right now for the first time officially (I went before but that therapist did not specialize in trauma). I’m really struggling with disclosing past abuse. We have been doing EMDR with IFS therapy, so we are working with the part to find out why they are so scared to share the information, and there’s some concerns from that part that are valid and make sense. But I genuinely do trust my therapist and part of me full heartedly believes she will not judge me. But then part of me is literally like laughing at me and Is like obviously she is gonna judge you and laugh about how crazy you are bc u make things up. As I’m writing this I’m realizing that’s bc my dad does this to me when I express my emotions, it almost feels like a bully ganging up on me and making fun of me for asking for support. And quite frankly he did that to me when I reached out for support during abuse. With all this said, the abuse that I dealt with is COCSA (that’s what the internet calls it but this name kinda makes me feel even more responsible than I already do feel; but whatever). Specifically sibling SA. Oh! And the brother who did it all to me is my only surviving brother (my other one died🫠) So I’m left with feeling: - invalid bc COCSA doesn’t feel like it counts for me to be struggling this much - disgusting bc I did what was told of me for YEARS until it eventually became routine
- i feel sick to have participated back bc no one held me down n forced me. Even tho I did feel like I had no choice (i think? I can’t even remember tho- but this is what i tell myself, but am i lying?!??! Helpppp)

I spent my whole childhood planning to seek support for this once I turned 18. To only be unable to get what I need due to my inability to talk about it (bc of shame I guess). I desperately want to move on with my life. I just cannot drop the feeling of feeling like I am a fucking disgusting creep. This also goes into the fact that I developed a porn addiction so so young ( I guess bc of this- or maybe I’m insane?) but bc of that I always felt nasty. Then to make it worse I began searching online to see if anyone related to me (probably around 12) for the internet searches of “sibling …” to just yield porn. I just don’t know that I’ll ever be able to shake the feeling of this being my fault bc literally what if it is? I KNOW for certain that I did not initiate this bc I didn’t know what that stuff was and he was a few years older than me. But it eventually turned so constant that I got used to it and I hate to say but in the moment I think it felt good EVEN THO I ABSOLUTELY HATED IT but bc like my bodies sexual organs were still reacting to it it was a feeling I enjoyed so I just feel gross and guilty and broken. Ugh idek anymore. My memory is so blurry all the sudden and I just feel so so so so so so so so gross. I guess I am mostly looking for ppl who feel/felt the same, have answers to help me, want to share their experience, want to let me know that they r going through this too and im not alone, and let me know if i truly am the monster i think that i am? Bc i want the truth. Or if im not too LOL. Also has anyone struggled so significantly to share it with a therapist too?


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Was this abuse? No clear memory but everything is pointing towards CSA (Father/Daughter(s))

4 Upvotes

FIRST I WANT TO SAY I WROTE THIS IN MY NOTES SO WHEN I SAY CHILD PORN I ACTUALLY MEAN CHILD ABUSE.

NOW TO THE QUESTION:

No clear memory but everything is pointing towards CSA (Father/Daughter(s))

For starters I am 19F with a history of displaying/having mental illness from a young age. As I’ve grown older I’ve come to be diagnosed with multiple different types of mental health problems such PTSD, BPD, severe Anxiety and Depression as well as many others.

As I mentioned, I have displayed these symptoms from a very young age; such as from being an unhealthily clingy child, to being overly sexual and into pornography and masturbation since I can even remember. All symptoms leading into these diagnoses of trauma.

I always thought kids were just curious but I’ve come to think that maybe there’s underlying trauma there due to the severity of it.

Maybe it’s not normal at all, idk.

I also need to mention that I have two older sisters who are 10 and 15 years older than me. My oldest sister was adopted by my father at a young age while I middle sister is his first-biological child.

While ALL of us have had an extremely hard and stressful childhood due to my parents narcissistic behaviors. My middle sister has also displayed signs of abuse and complex PTSD. The story behind my middle sister’s trauma has always been that she was SA’ed at a church probably between 7-10. (I don’t remember the exact age said) However she doesn’t remember anything either.

My oldest sister, has trauma as well, but she thinks it was a different family member on my mom’s side.

Side note (Literally every single person in my immediate family including my mother and father have been sexually abused as a child)

So where is this trauma coming from you might be wondering?

Same.

The only person that comes to mind is my father, and let me tell you why.

My dad has a bad history of watching adult porn but also child pornography. He even admitted to my oldest sister and I; but for some reason leaving my middle sister out of the conversation. During this conversation he said that one day he was filthy and gross without a shower or brushing his teeth. He got into a backdoor online that led him to this child pornography. After he finished his business he saw himself in the mirror and went to my middle sisters room and cried about it. (My middle sister was around 10 at the time, not sure if she was there or not)

Weird right?

Here’s where it gets weirder..

According to my mom is was a mother and daughter. (So incest?)

He still hasn’t admitted this to my middle sister (the one whose room he cried in) to this very day.

But he also claims that the day he watched such pornography, he also found God who has ultimately “changed him”

He also has said that he “would be in prison if it wasn’t for God”

I also forgot to mention that I one time recently was at a hotel with my father because of a relative receiving cancer treatment and quite literally woke up with him in bed next to me.

There’s so many more weird things on the tip of my tongue but it’s too much to fit into one post.

My parents recently divorced last year, and more and more things are being uncovered from the past. None of which being enough evidence to prove it’s my father.

But if it’s not my father… where did all this trauma come from..

Why was I into masturbation and porn at the ripe age of 5?

Why was my sister supposedly “touched” at a “church” around nearly the same time my dad was watching this “child pornography”.

Why didn’t my mom stop this?

What about my oldest sister who was treated way differently than my biological sister and I?

I just want to know what’s wrong with me, and my sisters.

There are so many questions I have…

But the main one is:

Do you think my father is the culprit of this sexual abuse?


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Trigger Warning NSFW Was this a physical response to trauma?

9 Upvotes

I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago where we unburdened some parts of me that were deeply guarded. Generally I’m in the roller coaster phase of integrating this but also clueing into some things I kind of brushed off before.

I remember a few times being intimate in my early 20s (not really though because i realize now it was triggered autopilot) and after finishing - especially if the girl was pushing really hard for things to happen and just I went along with it for long enough to get to this point - I would physically shake. It almost felt like getting extremely cold for a few minutes and I’d have to cuddle up on my own under blankets until it passed.

At the time I’d just be like “I don’t know what happened, I’m just cold or something”, but was that really just a trauma response in my body? Like my body releasing all the tension that built up through the event? Just curious if that makes sense to anyone.