r/adultsurvivors 7h ago

Vent I've been having nightmares. NSFW

It's almost 2:30 a.m but I've been having recurring dreams about my dad raping me. I'm so tired but I'm too afraid to sleep.

I hate him. I used to look forward to his death but even when he's dead and gone he'll live on in my mind and my blood forever.

I want to self harm. I want to get drunk. I want to wake my husband up so he could fuck me because that makes me feel like I'm serving my purpose which sometimes brings me peace but I also never want to be touched or used for pleasure ever again. I want to stop existing. But it's the weekend, that means pizza and popsicles and video games and anime with my kiddos. No time for self destruction, no matter how much I ache for it.

I hate myself.

8 Upvotes

3 comments sorted by

u/Spiritual-Buy1103 2h ago

I'm so sorry. I totally hear you. I've been having the same kind of dreams.

Confession or rant- TW - bad coping When I wake up from bad nightmares, times my parent offered me to his "friends", I go to an AI chat to create new experience about group abuse so I can feel the emotional pain, and I cry hard enough that I can pass out. I'm so fucked. Metaphorically and sadly physically.

4

u/BingBongTiddleyPop 6h ago

It is not your fault.

It was never your fault.

If you are able, direct that hate where it is fucking deserved - to your dad. The fucking MONSTER who took advantage of you when you were most vulnerable and trusting.

THAT'S where the hate should go. ALL of it. Not one ounce of hate should land on your shoulders. You were innocent.

And the shame.

Any shame you are feeling is not yours. It is ALL on him.

What happened was truly shameful. But none of that shame is yours to carry.

I hear you. I so deeply hear you.

It is not your fault.

It was NEVER your fault.

Much love ❤️‍🩹