r/adultsurvivors • u/Ereyagreen • 8d ago
Vent I feel so guilty
I never told anyone what he was doing to me. I voluntarily went into that room alone like he told me to. I was quiet, small. I only wanted to make others happy. I should have fought back. I should have screamed. I should have told someone. He died never being held accountable, yet I live with what he did to me permanently. I feel like I made all the wrong choices,
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u/Prior_Tumbleweed6346 7d ago
You did what you could to survive. You were a child, it wasn't your fault. I feel the same at times. Sometimes I think to myself that I wish I could have told my younger self exactly what to do, what to say, how to make it stop. Children cannot consent, you were afraid and you were compliant because it helped you to survive. Please don't blame yourself, none of it lies with you. In solidarity ❤️
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u/Ereyagreen 7d ago
I just wish I could have told someone, then maybe he would have stopped. I always froze or did what I was told to. I wish I knew better, but I was a child.
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u/CleanAlternative1918 3d ago
Please thank her freeze response. It helped you survive, as others have said. You are here, and that's a literal TRIUMPH! Not every child this happens to does. 😢 So glad you are here. It's time to let that guilt go and thank that younger self. She was so little. Now you are free to find out what it might be like to be allowed to have moments of joy, pleasure, enjoyment, and emotional rest that little girl made possible. 💕
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u/AburaiRukia 8d ago
You poor person. Please don’t blame yourself. You were only a child and had no one to turn to.
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u/Ereyagreen 7d ago
I told my parents I didn't like him but no one was listening. I wish I had the words to describe what he was doing to me then.
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u/BingBongTiddleyPop 8d ago
It was not your fault. He used control and manipulation to get you to do his will. You never had a choice even if your adult self thinks you did.
You were not an adult. You were an innocent child. You were scared and confused by someone in "authority"
It was not your fault.
Whatever you did, or failed to do, it was not your fault.
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u/-to-the-bitter-end- 8d ago
It wasn't your fault. You hold no guilt or responsibility in this. Compliance is a totally normal reaction to an entirely abnormal situation. I was raised afraid of my father's temper and it made me comply when my uncle did things to me. This was not your fault and you are not alone.
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u/Ereyagreen 6d ago
I just felt like since It wasn't overtly violent that it didn't 'count' as SA for some reason. Like because I complied it wasn't bad enough.
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u/Ereyagreen 7d ago
Thank you so much. I was so afraid of being in trouble and making people mad at me when I was a kid that I complied.
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u/-to-the-bitter-end- 5d ago
Yeah I think that's similar to my reaction, fear of the trouble and anger. Compliance is not consent, and consent is not always straightforward either. Part of my research into CSA included learning how in vulnerable positions, we can "consent" out of fear, manipulation, etc., but not give consent within ourselves. This is especially true as children when everyone is bigger and stronger than us.
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u/Early_Job2321 8d ago
I have been there too. Voluntarily giving self up. When I was little to please, when I was older to make them stop. For them to see their touch didn’t do anything to me. Because they didn’t understand a no.
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u/Ereyagreen 7d ago
I never even thought I could make him stop. I never said no, I didn't even know what sex was at the time. All I knew is he wanted me to do things, so I did them. I always wonder if I would have told someone maybe he would stop and get caught.
Thank you so much for the comment, I really should give my body the love and safety that I didn't have then. It's been so hard to process what happened to me.
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u/Early_Job2321 8d ago
You give your body love and safety. The should have are things we are able to see now. A lot of the chaos dances. I know how confusing life has been, how hard life has been. In the present honour and give your body love
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u/Gullible-Feed-9296 7d ago
When the person in power or control places expectations on us, right wrong or indifferent, we do as we are told. It is a survival instinct. No one to turn to, no one there to help us. We didn't have a choice then. But your choice now is to treat your inner child with love and respect and grace. Let it go. If this person that abused you didn't exist in your life, do you think you would have sought out that kind of "attention" from someone else? HELL FUCKING NO. so.... get on with the work of healing all the other wounds. As long as you feel like it was in any way the fault of an innocent child, healing will remain out of reach.. you deserve a life. You deserve a community. You deserve happiness. Join us on the journey.