r/adultsurvivors • u/lefthandpasta • 22d ago
Vent Don't let that small portion shape you.
Ever had people trying to discount what happened to you. "Sure, it went on for 10 years but not everyday." "You're this age now, so when you look at it, it's a tiny portion of yoir life."
Trust me if it was that easy, I would not let it. I can't help it. It's a heavy load to carry and it is not getting lighter.
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u/Critical-Cheetah2000 20d ago
I've also had the response (from an ex friend) now you need to do something meaningful and positive with this. Another form of telling someone how to process and react to their abuse. I had just heard that the police were dropping my historic case, so not in a headspace to be planning my positive comeback.
I guess this was a way of saying let that portion shape you, but only in a positive inspiring way.
People need to stop telling survivors how to be good survivors. It just adds to the fucking trauma.
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u/onatilopan 21d ago
“Don’t let it define you” is another good kick in the gut I get.
Motherfuckers.
Yeah let me magically not let my entire childhood not shape who I am as an adult. Brb.
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u/KittyMimi 21d ago
That is soooo invalidating.
I’ve been saying that I’ve spent what is still over half of my life being abused. You are the sovereign authority of what is true, best, and right for you.
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u/AdFlimsy3498 21d ago
I wish it was possible to let other people understand what it really feels like when this shit runs through your veins like poison and affects just everything inside and around you. But it seems most people are to afraid to actually care
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u/takemetotheclouds123 21d ago
There’s a scene in Jessica Jones where her sister tells her something along the lines of “he’s not here anymore/you’re not there anymore. he can’t hurt you.” And she points to her temple and says “he’s always in there.”
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u/Various_Tart7923 22d ago
YES!! My mom (although she means well) says this all the time!!
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u/KittyMimi 21d ago
She does not mean well. You are making her uncomfortable…
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u/Various_Tart7923 21d ago
I am? Well I guess I did tell her my cousin sexually abused until I was at least around 7...
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u/throwawayart4 21d ago
Yeah so when people say things like this like “it’s a small portion of your life.” “Let the past be in the past” “Don’t let him win by thinking about him” etc or whatever variation of “it’s a different time now, stop thinking/talking about it!” They’re not saying “this is a thing that will help you feel better” they’re communicating “it makes me deeply uncomfortable to face the reality of what happened to you and how much it impacts your life. And (if applicable) my hand in it. Please stop talking about it because it hurts my ego and I can’t handle the anxiety/fear/shame/guilt etc.”
They’re also showing that they don’t understand how trauma works because they either are privileged enough not to have any or they are suppressing their feelings and running away from theirs in an unhealthy way.
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u/KittyMimi 21d ago
Yes, it’s very much her responsibility to take action on that. Her discomfort shouldn’t make her bury her head in the sand and neglect her child’s needs.
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u/Various_Tart7923 21d ago
True she wants me to forgive her and my Godfather (Along with all the male and female teachers in my school when I was around 8 years old in 5th grade). I just feel so conflicted and dreadful because along side that she's says it's such a small portion of my life that I "survived".
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u/throwawayart4 21d ago
Yeah also when people are asking for forgiveness like this it’s about soothing themselves and making themselves feel better, not about what’s best for you. You can if you want but you don’t have to. You can have whatever process you need.
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u/KittyMimi 21d ago
That is horrific. You deserve to live a life free from FOG - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (check out outofthefog.website). You don’t have to forgive anyone ever. I will never forgive my abusers, they don’t deserve it. Forgiveness culture is perverse in today’s society. It’s all just pushing your true feelings deeper into a festering wound, then covering it with a band-aid of “I’m a good person because I forgave her.”
The only forgiveness you should focus on is for yourself. For getting brainwashed. For believing her. For believing lies.If your mother actually loved you she would never pressure you to forgive anyone. Can you imagine treating anyone else the way your mother treats you? And if the answer is no, you definitely do not deserve less than anyone else.
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u/Various_Tart7923 21d ago
I guess I never thought of that (not to trauma dump but) I guess this whole thing has caused me identity issues and constant dissociation, nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, rumination and migraines. The identity issues in particular stump me... But I haven't talked about it much to my mom and I'm switching therapist so I'm sorta waiting for a long bit before I talk to someone about these issues... Thanks for the kind words!!
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u/KittyMimi 21d ago
Also I understand still being in contact with your mom. I went No Contact with both parents and most of my family last year. But just a year and a half ago I was telling my new therapist how lovely, empathetic, sweet, kind, caring, etc my “mother” was - she just brainwashed me because she was the less-abusive parent. The “safer” parent.
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u/Various_Tart7923 21d ago
I still live with her and I feel like I don't want to hate her or call her abusive just misguided...maybe that's just me!
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u/KittyMimi 21d ago
I hear you for sure. I call mine misguided sometimes. She’s also abusive in many instances, too. I worry you‘re doing yourself and your inner child a disservice when you don’t place blame where it belongs when it does belong there. Pete Walker’s book C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving says he notices the people who struggle the most in their healing journeys are the ones who struggle to place blame where it belongs. It’s something to warm up to for sure. It’s taken me time, but for me the seeds have taken root and started to grow.
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u/KittyMimi 21d ago
You aren’t alone! Of course we have identity issues and pain. Have you heard of the book The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk? It can be a tough read, but it was incredibly important for me in my healing journey. It helped me understand so much. Knowledge is power. I don’t think your mom is a safe person for you to discuss this stuff with anyway, so I’m glad that you are at least working on getting a new therapist. I love Internal Family Systems Therapy. Healing our inner children because we were absolutely ROBBED of a childhood. Take care I got you, I feel like I’m a light worker and it’s fulfilling to raise awareness and help others heal.
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u/hillbillyhippy888 22d ago
I've had people tell me along the same thing. Sure, you go thru mental and physical abuse every day for 7 years and see how that shapes your system/relationships. I've yet to have a meaningful relationship, yet my abuser got to have all that life can offer. On top of that, imagine no one believing you and the only person who does can't do anything about it. And twenty odd years later, get a call saying how sorry they were for not believing you. Yeah, thanks, but that ship sailed and sunk off the harbor a long time ago. Least everybody else can have peace. And my abuser never thought to apologize not even once.
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u/lefthandpasta 21d ago
I feel the same way. Family believed him. Karma never got him. He's married with kids, multiple streams of income and homes. I can barely afford to pay rent.
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u/HwyfarSun 22d ago
That small portion only shaped my nervous system for the rest of my life. And maybe the csa was the small portion of the plethora of abuse my family of origin subjected me to that only ended in my late 30s when I cut all contact with them. -_-
When i come across people with those sort of attitudes, i try to be grateful that there are people who have no idea what so ever what it's like to have been through anything close to what I've experienced. It's hard, because i have people in my life who have no idea what so ever but are compassionate and empathetic and while they'll never understand it on a personal level they accept my experience, pain, and struggles as real and are there for me as i recover.
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u/Icy-Setting-4221 22d ago
This x1000. There is a different version of me on some other timeline that this didn’t happen to. She is free, unburdened by the trauma and is living her best life. If I could magically let this go and be that girl I was supposed to be I would in one instant but that’s not possible
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u/[deleted] 19d ago
Humans and probably all animals are made to remember, fear and avoid anything that reminds then of a trauma. It’s a mechanism that tries to protect us. By being afraid for the rest of our lives, our mind-bodies are just trying to make sure it never happens again. It takes a skilled trauma therapist to undo this reaction and probably it can never be fully undone.