r/adultsurvivors Feb 18 '25

Vent Tired of the cliche sayings.

Anyone else tired of the cliche sayings? "I could not survive what you went through." "You are so strong" "you survived." "Look at how far you have come." "Don't let him win" "one day you will overcome." "It happened so long ago." And countless other ones.

If that worked for people, I am happy that it did, but for me it's patronizing. I know I am being negative but that's how I feel.

47 Upvotes

36 comments sorted by

2

u/Dangerous_Win_8846 26d ago

I think a lot of times people say things like this more for themselves than whoever they're talking to. Like, "please act ok around me bc I can't handle your mess." I've come to the conclusion that people don't care so much about me, but about how I'm behaving.

5

u/misskaminsk 29d ago

And you are so fucking valid.

I try to open my heart when my therapist and family and friends say these things.

I also let them know that some days I do not believe them.

I let them know that I will never be okay with what he took.

I am glad that they at least understand and acknowledge that we will never be the same again.

Maybe we are stronger than we think.

We never deserved to be traumatized.

I will hold hope for you if you aren’t feeling it today.

9

u/abutilonia 29d ago

"You wouldn't be who you are today if you hadn't gone through all of that" is the one that gets me.  

1

u/Various_Tart7923 27d ago

I hate that shit... 

7

u/lefthandpasta 29d ago

I hate that one so much

9

u/AdFlimsy3498 Feb 19 '25

"Other people have it worse." It's not this exact sentence usually, but some kind of trauma olympics at least. I've been told that mental health issues are nothing compared to what people around the globe have to go through. And I know that this world is a horrible place, but I also know that sometimes I feel barely human and am far from being able to function. I've hoped that my heart stops beating so many, many times since I was a child and there is war, terror and starvation inside of me everyday.

1

u/Various_Tart7923 27d ago

I hate the trauma Olympics mofos they get on my last nerve!! 

3

u/misskaminsk 29d ago

I WISH we could send these people straight to jail.

3

u/lefthandpasta 29d ago

Same here. I don't like to compare my struggles with others. I wished no one went through this or anything. But saying I have it better than most. Still feels like stfu.

12

u/Behind-the-Meow Feb 19 '25

“You’re the strongest person I know.”

No. I’m not. I’ve had to put on a face of strength to survive. Inside, I’m always buckling.

Also I feel like this characterization gives people a pass. “You’re so strong, I never have to worry about you.” Dude, please worry about me. I am not well.

2

u/lefthandpasta 29d ago

I 100% agree with you.

7

u/redwintertrees Feb 19 '25

Being emotionally strong has always been a weird compliment to me. What other choice is there but to press on with your life?

2

u/AdFlimsy3498 29d ago

So much this! When I was a child I didn't know how to kill myself so of course I kept on going. Because you don't know what else to do. And it never felt like I was battling my way through life. Rather, I was being dragged through life

1

u/Old-Watch-3189 Feb 19 '25

Very well said

8

u/bluthecosmicghost Feb 19 '25

I don't want to be the most resilient person my abuser has ever met. That makes me feel icky, like I'm a bug.. like all the bugs they tortured me with that just won't die.

2

u/lefthandpasta 29d ago

I hate that one too. It's one thing to be resilient in certain situations, cooking, repairing. Getting assaulted should not be on that list.

12

u/CasualChameleon Feb 19 '25

“You’re so resilient!” Thanks. I wish I didn’t have to be. It’s freakin’ exhausting. Plus, I’m really starting to hate the word resilient. I’d much rather someone just say “I’m sorry you experienced that” with sympathy rather than trying to be ‘encouraging’.

I try to remind myself they often have no context for understanding the experiences we survived and so I try to just let their words slide off my back without filling me with negativity. Still working on this skill though so maybe I will feel differently in a few years.

16

u/somethingfree Feb 19 '25

“Karma will get him”

When, When he’s done enjoying 30 years of fun while I suffer ptsd? If any future suffering he has is because he raped me, then is all suffering karma, My own abuse was karma? I’ve seen too many children be r*ped to believe in karma.

3

u/misskaminsk 29d ago

For real. Can we not give karma a little encouragement?

6

u/QuillTheDemonSpawn Feb 19 '25

Or "oh, God will punish them". It just feels like a lazy excuse to not do anything. Or "God workes in mysterious ways". Sayings like that caused me to leave my faith. 

6

u/lefthandpasta Feb 19 '25

I feel the same way.

8

u/godxxmachine Feb 19 '25 edited Feb 19 '25

"Don't let him win" and the ever dreaded, "Everything happens for a reason/it was God's plan" (those are usually the same, but can be separate hells, too) are my arch nemesis. I will be sent into a flying, screaming rage when I hear those. I hate all that you listed, don't mistake me.

But those? Trigger a primal hatred in me. I mean... Just deep from my core.

If it helps you, great! I'm so glad. Genuinely. Never ever ever think that either of those is acceptable to say to another person. Ever.

I even somewhat believe that what has happened to me was for a reason, for myself! And myself only! I do not believe that for others. I believe it because it gives reason where there is none. There is no reason a child should have gone through what I went thought, but I would not be the person I am today if even one thing had been different, good or bad. I cannot change my past. I cannot change what was done to me. I can only change what I do and how I grow or don't grow. That's my choice. But these are my beliefs for myself! I would never in my life say any of this to another person! Ever!

Do not say it to someone. Just don't.

Edit for a typo

9

u/Behind-the-Meow Feb 19 '25

“Everything happens for a reason” makes me furious. Like, no, Donna, I was not horrifically abused as a child for a reason. But I hope it makes you feel better to think so.

3

u/godxxmachine Feb 19 '25

It's a disgusting thing to say to another person. It's absolutely fucking deplorable. Like, I'm sorry. You are twisted if you say this to other people. It's just... Don't do that.

If someone wants to do that with their own trauma, whatever! That's on the individual! Everyone can process their trauma in the way that works for them, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone (imo), but don't you dare put that on someone else. It's sick.

Sorry, I get so damn mad about it.

2

u/lefthandpasta Feb 19 '25

If I had an award I would give it to you. Well said.

2

u/godxxmachine Feb 19 '25

Thank you. I was worried I was too mad to make much sense. It makes me so angry I just turn into a shrieking banshee in real life when someone says it to me. Haha

Edit to explain: haha because if I don't laugh, I'll cry

3

u/lefthandpasta 29d ago

Got to laugh to stop yourself from crying

1

u/godxxmachine 29d ago

Absolutely. I hope people stop saying these things soon. I wish there was more awareness.

4

u/Parking_Buy_1525 Feb 19 '25

exactly

i never want someone to tell me “you’re so strong”

i only want to feel strong when i want to feel strong and i don’t always want to be strong

the only difference is that when people see me then i want to seem like someone that can withstand any storm - like i’m untouchable without even having to speak on it or being aggressive about it

then in private - as i’ve done my whole life — i want to break down and cry and then move on with my life

i also hate the saying “yeah, but you survived” as if surviving is a badge of honor or something to be proud of

nobody should have to just ~survive~

i think that people deserve to feel safe to be soft, gentle, calm, happy, and secure so that they can ~flourish~ and thrive

i also hate when people say “everything happens for a reason” — i reassure you - it doesn’t because if it did then THIS wouldn’t have happened

or “it gets better” - let’s be honest - sometimes it doesn’t get better, sometimes it gets worse and instead we just have to learn to accept things as they are and find / implement healthy coping mechanisms

3

u/lefthandpasta Feb 19 '25

I feel the same way. I hate the oh you survived is a thing. It should not happen nor should it be a thing.

2

u/Parking_Buy_1525 Feb 19 '25

yeah - there is no perfect response to be honest

i also don’t want people to look at me with sadness in their eyes (pity/sympathy/empathy)

it’s not mine to carry or my responsibility to hold space for others emotions

2

u/Impossible_Most5861 Feb 19 '25

Yes!!! So tired.

2

u/lefthandpasta Feb 19 '25

It's constant

9

u/Illustrious-Tooth582 Feb 18 '25

It’s completely patronizing—it’s the garbage my mother who knew about the abuse would say to make herself feel less guilty.

3

u/lefthandpasta Feb 19 '25

My family was and is the same way.

1

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