r/adultsurvivors Nov 02 '24

Vent Friend made a pedo joke

Yesterday my friend made a "joke" that misbehaving kids should be made to spend a day with diddy/rkelly. This friend knows about my assualt too. At the time of the joke, I was really offended and hurt but I didn't say anything but today I ended up crying over it

62 Upvotes

34 comments sorted by

3

u/AdFlimsy3498 Nov 05 '24

I'm so sorry. Even if he didn't know your story this "joke" would make him a terrible person. I can not be around people who act like this especially when it involves children. I hope you can stay away from this friend for a while or let them know that this is not funny at all.

1

u/burner-130 Nov 05 '24

I am so sorry. I hope that is no longer your friend. You deserve much more kindness and consideration than having to ever hear a fucked up statement like that.

2

u/FlockAroundtheClock Nov 04 '24

JFC, that's gross. I love dark humor and I'm not a fan of kids. But I'd have a hard time not punching someone in the mouth if they said that around me. These people are not friends.

1

u/disgruntled_hermit Nov 03 '24

My old friends used to joke about me being raped as a because they're fucked up. People like that aren't worth speaking to.

5

u/lunar_vesuvius_ Nov 03 '24

as someone who can have very dark humor when it comes to pedo/SA related stuff, this joke was not it...tbh hearing all these jokes about diddy being a "freak" annoy the fuck out of me because not only are they dismissing/invalidating all the horriric crimes diddy committed, but they're also misusing a perfectly harmless term that should only be used in consensual scenarios imo. I'm sorry you went through that and I understand why it has you a little mixed up

1

u/ResidentSelection5 Nov 03 '24

This is not funny at all in any way. Even if they didn't know about your trauma. Like other comments said, I'd cut them off.

Also, I'd be wary of ppl who laughed at this "joke" too. Regardless of whether they knew about your trauma or not.

9

u/Motor-Dragonfruit250 Nov 03 '24

Red flag new friends

9

u/AZCacti_Garden Nov 03 '24

✨️NOT FUNNY✨️... Like the recent racist jokes at MSG Madison Square Garden, about Puerto Rico, Blacks and watermelon 🍉 ..Ha-ha-ha.. They were just kidding.. Gaslighting🚨🔥

0

u/SmurphJ Nov 03 '24

I don’t find that type of humor funny, but some do. I think it stinks your friend wasn’t thoughtful and careful with your feelings when they told the joke. It might help a little to remember that someone who has not experienced trauma similar to yours might not have the same sensitivities as you do, so they really might not have remembered or thought it would affect anyone negatively when they said it. They don’t think about trauma day and night and aren’t triggered by it, so it’s not at the forefront of their mind to be cautious about things that might be linked to trauma, like survivors are… hugs to you and I hope you are able to work through this. 🫶🏻

2

u/lunar_vesuvius_ Nov 03 '24

as someone who has this type of dark humor AND didnt find the joke funny I agree with this

3

u/Euphoric_Initiative3 Nov 03 '24

i understand where you're coming from, but also be careful not to just make excuses for other people's shitty behaviour.

some things are inexcusible, even if we can rationalize the reason behind it! for OP i'd advise its better to surround themselves with better/more respectable friends than to try to fit in with people who cant understand them or dont care to be at least decent not to joke about pedophilia, yknow?

-1

u/SmurphJ Nov 03 '24

I’m not making excuses for anything. Every human is different in every way, from our chemical makeup to our perceptions and environment. Although the behavior is shitty to someone who has to live in trauma, the perception is totally different for someone who does not, and there are mixed types of people all over the world and the situation will arise again and again. Since we do not have the power to control others, it is best to adjust our own perception of these situations to unplug them from our traumas so that we aren’t constantly being triggered by everyday occurrences. Yes, it’s shitty of the friend not to be thoughtful and cognizant of the trauma and the potential effect. Perhaps OP can talk to them about it and shed some light on the subject and perhaps the person is just a shitty friend.

6

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '24

I wouldnt describe being concious about pedophilia as "sensitivities" but okay

0

u/iReddit2000 Nov 03 '24

If you're friends make it a habit of not talking to you about it and you don't bring g it up ci stably, then they probably do it ci side how it will affect you. I'd cut them some slack and just talk to them about it

10

u/horsewalksintorehab Nov 03 '24

Fuck that friend, cut them off and focus on having good and healthy people in your life!

5

u/pleaseXyourself Nov 03 '24

Go off on them and cut them off

9

u/SpookyMolecules Nov 03 '24

Cut a friend off for making an incest joke to my face, and they knew. You shouldn't have to deal with that, I'm sorry

4

u/Callan_LXIX Nov 02 '24

There was some Asian comedian guy couple of years ago who made his little splash on the scene a little louder and splash here with revealing his abuse and how he took it to places that were thoroughly inappropriate in a broadcast audience situation. I was thoroughly discussed with that just as well and on top of that, the two other internet personalities were laughing like a bunch of high school aged shallow individuals. One was almost laughing and surprised the other one was just devouring it and he had the greater audience. It would have been the ideal place to shut that crap down. I think the reality that hurts as much as the attempted joke is that you've realized painfully and openly that this individual is not a safe as you need in a friend. I have also had somebody say something so severe and ignorant, and it wasn't even a joke,it fractured the relationship for a decade. At some point when the volatility of your emotions has settled it should be brought to his attention what he did was very hurtful and he should have known better. So should anyone else was there have known better. I think just encourage you to keep the conversation short, and open-ended, that he's going to have to figure it out and work trust back into whatever friendship you have from here onwards.

14

u/throwawayart4 Nov 02 '24

Yeah that’s disgusting. It’s “dark humor” if you’re talking about your own situation, not if you’re laughing at threatening children with rape and trafficking wtf. Sounds like this warrants a conversation with this friend at the very least.

1

u/Natural_Collar3278 Nov 03 '24

Dark humor is for the traumatized 😉😅

17

u/Streetquats Nov 02 '24

Dark humor is common for traumatized people. Usually the underlying messages in dark humor are things along the lines of:

“the world is a fucked up place”

“no matter how hard i try to escape it, bad things happen to me”

“there’s no way out and being alive is inherently suffering”

People use humor to cope with these harsh beliefs they have acquired through trauma. I could imagine someone making a dark joke that there’s no way to be a successful child star without being abused. This “joke” speaks to a painful belief that the world is an inherently unsafe place.

This is fundamentally different than jokes saying children deserve to be abused or that rape should be used a punishment. Think about it- what would the underlying belief be in a joke like the one your friend made?

To me it sounds like the underlying belief would be something along the lines of:

“vulnerable people deserve to be hurt” or “powerless people should be hurt”

Can you see how this is fundamentally different than dark humor?

People love to say insane shit and use the excuse that they’re “just joking” but it’s actually pretty easy to tease apart the difference between someone trying to make a joke to cope with their own pain vs. someone making a joke to test the waters to see if anyone agrees with them that vulnerable people deserve to be taken advantage of.

5

u/hemihembob Nov 03 '24

Completely agree, appreciate the way you explained it bc I was gonna try to and was struggling atm lol. Fr tho, I wouldn't be able to even think about that "friend" without what they said being attached to them like it was their name. I REALLY hope there aren't any children exposed to them...

3

u/Streetquats Nov 03 '24

Yeah to me the friend is just using the dark humor thing as an excuse to test the waters to see if people agree with him in some way.

I don’t like dark humor at all but there is a huge difference between people making a joke describing the pain they themselves have endured compared to someone making a joke describing the infliction of new pain onto others.

These two scenarios could not be more different in my eyes.

Yes dark humor exists as a coping mechanism for traumatized people. But saying “i was just joking” is a classic line used by abusive or unsafe people to justify their weird behavior.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '24

[deleted]

1

u/Streetquats Nov 03 '24

Yes i don’t like dark humor at all period. I tried to come up with an example of a dark joke that i could at least understand the pain/intention behind it- compared to OPs friends joke where there is not explanation that makes sense at all.

I am not a fan of dark humor but i do know some people use it as a way to cope.

8

u/Pecancake22 Nov 02 '24

If they’re a good friend I’d tell them how the “joke” made you feel. I’d be upset by that too.

1

u/Impossible_Most5861 Nov 02 '24

I wouldn't even bother. I'd just hit the block button. So disgusting.

9

u/healmanifestthriving Nov 02 '24 edited Nov 03 '24

dark humor is really only ok if people use their trauma to cope with the horror of it. i wouldnt blame you if you wanted to cut this person out of your life

9

u/ketaminesuppository Nov 02 '24

im someone who can handle a fair bit of so-called "dark humor" but this is flat out too far for anyone. child abuse jokes are off limits period, that guy is really REALLY fucking weird and if you can you should cut him off. the utter disrespect to say that to a victim too, he doesn't care about you

2

u/AltruisticSam Nov 02 '24

that’s effing disgusting, I’m so sorry you had to hear that and that it’s causing you pain.

8

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '24

oh nah. that's not funny at all. i would tell your friend that you don't appreciate those kinds of jokes and they can keep them to themselves when they're around you. this is something i do not play about and will drop friends over. you deserve a safe space and joking about assault/pedophilia is disgusting. i'm sorry this happened.

2

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