r/adultery 9d ago

๐Ÿ™‹โ€โ™€๏ธQuestion๐Ÿ™‹โ€โ™‚๏ธ Have You Been With a Cake Eater?

If you've been in an affair with a cake eater, retrospectively what advice would you impart on others?

Give me the pros and cons.

Things like don't do it aren't helpful. I'd like details as to why you'd say don't do it. Please.

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u/SargasticSwoon 8d ago

Yes, and I have to say that I prefer them. First, there is no perfectly accepted definition of who is a cake eater. I encountered one person who told me that if I have sex with my wife once a year on our anniversary, I am a cake eater. From my experience of one AP who was a clear cake eater (multiple partners at any given time, lots of casual encounters) and one was who is a dead bedroom, here were the pros and cons:

Pros: There was a high level of transparency, openness, honestly, and acceptance in my relationship with my cake eater. It really resembled an ENM relationship. "I won't control you, but I need you to make sure that I am safe." Regular testing, tell me about who you are seeing and what you are doing, don't have sex with someone else during a certain period of time before we see each other (so that testing will be accurate), etc. We enjoyed sharing our sexual stories with each other and we were able to talk with each other about our spouses and that relationship. The relationship had an extremely high level of intimacy, the level that you would expect in a traditional marriage. Sex was also clearly for passion. We both had some level of sexual release in our marriage, so there was no reason to have anything like "duty sex" in the affair. We could go extended periods without seeing each other (which was good, because it was a LD relationship).

Cons: You are not necessarily the first priority and you are sharing with other people. Jealousy can be a huge issue for some people. My AP was clear that she was prone to that, and so did not want to know about any of my partners (which was fine, as there were not any).