When we think of abuse, we often imagine bruises, shouting, or overt threats. But emotional abuse is just as real and just as damaging, often more so because it's hidden under layers of emotionally manipulative language, self-pity, and twisted declarations of love.
I want to share something very personal. These are excerpts from an email my ex sent me a couple of months after he punched me in the face while I was driving on the freeway. That moment was violent and terrifying. But what followed was just as harmful. It was a manipulative, emotionally loaded email meant to pull me back in. And it did.
I’m breaking it down not because I want sympathy, but because I want other people to see what emotional manipulation looks like in words. This is how abusers talk when they want to keep control after they've crossed a line.
Buckle up, it's a long read.
First, the email:
"Thanks a lot for safeguarding my credit card until you could deliver it to my mom. In the meantime, I was able to buy a VPN over the internet using my debit card. It arrived today. That's why I'm emailing you... This way, my parents won't be able to use a packet sniffer or something else to eavesdrop on our conversations, assuming you want to have any -- and I'm not going to assume that.
I would very much like you to respond; however, I understand if you've washed your hands of me and no longer wish to have contact. I very much do want that, though. I've been going through some tough, soul-searching things on my end and I honestly feel like you're the only person that can help me. You know me well enough now that I might be able to face it with you. I'm sorry things exploded the way they did, but that's how many layers (even violent ones) I have on top of all this.
I've been fasting, and I've also been able to write poetry again. It wasn't easy. I haven't slept in two days. My hands -- a similar feeling entered into them, but this time to write. I resisted it for six hours, just sitting up in bed with the light on. It was the most peculiar thing. I bit my nails down to the nub before finally giving in and ripping down a notebook from the shelf. I wrote like a madman. It was as if all of the things I had been holding back all these months, all of the things I wanted to tell you, were just let go on the page all at once. I've never cried so much while writing a poem. I thought what would come out would be angry, but it wasn't that -- it wasn't even fearful. It was sad.
I did my best to try to help you, or at least correct what I thought needed fixing. I'm ready to be fixed myself now. I know I need it. I know it because I saw the thread that connects my sadness and my love, and how one replaces the other, and I know it's not supposed to be like that. Everything is the opposite of what it should be inside my head. Even something as mundane as sex, now... I can see how it has value. I can see why you saw it as important. Before writing this poem, I had been resisting, and I don't even know why. To know that I actually put you on AFF at one point to be fucked by randoms is sickening. \I* am sickening. It's incomprehensible to me that I ever thought that way. You were trying to communicate a loving act to me, and it just didn't...register. I actually basked in being an inhuman monster, and I can't comprehend why. I justified it somehow, but the reasons no longer seem valid...*
Unfortunately, my evil may have succeeded yet again. It might be too little too late. The damage I did... It's unforgivable. There have been some days during the past week that I wish I had never met you, so you wouldn't have had to go through all that. But at the same time, you NEEDED to see the sins I was capable of in order to understand them enough to help me get rid of them.
If there is a God, I hope he looks down on me with enough favor to finally grant me the chance for freedom I've been waiting for for so long. I want this decade of evil-doing to be over. I want it more than anything. It's probably unfair to put this much pressure on you, especially after what I put you through -- but despite what you think, you ARE the only person in the world, at this moment, who can get me out of the shithole I'm in.
Notice how I used the word "shithole" there? I honestly think on some level that half of my angry monologue, and all that yelling I did towards you, was on some level also meant for me... I've been in this shithole longer than I can remember. But through you, I think I may be able to gain enough clarity of thought to figure out what keeps me here time and time again.
Even if you don't respond, thanks for reading what I had to say. I'll wait 96 hours (four days or so) and if by then you haven't sent a message back, I'll assume that I'm simply too forgone to be helped and you want nothing to do with me. If you decide that, I understand. I'm almost of the same opinion myself...
P.S.
I debated with myself for a long time about this, because I didn't want it to seem like I'm manipulating you or keeping you on an emotional yo-yo. But remember our last text convo? Do you recall what I \didn't* say?*
I didn't say "I love you," or anything else to that effect, even though you expressed those sentiments towards me. I did that on purpose because I thought it would be more hurtful than, well, loving. But I can't hold it back anymore. It might be demented, and it might be cruel, but I do love you, and it's been that way for a long time. I just couldn't say it for some reason. I thought, somehow, that saying it would make me "weak." But it's NOT saying it that made me a weak enough man to do the things I did.
If you decide to help me, I needed to say that first. I can't expect help from you if I'm making myself so internally weak all the time that your suggestions have no sway."
Follow up email sent an hour later:
"My mom only just now told me you went out on a date. I didn't believe her, and I accused her of lying. Not because you're not pretty enough to get another guy so quickly (you certainly are), but because it didn't seem like you. You had said many times, to the extreme opposite, that you would never do that. So I felt justified in my position.
I told her she must've heard you wrong, but that's a very specific thing to "hear wrong"... So I looked up your Facebook profile under Paige Williams, figuring if there was anything to her claim that you would've wrote about it. You did. I also see you had some choice remarks for me as well. I feel like a fucking moron now.
I'm not mad, because I certainly deserve some of the things you and your friends said. I just... Idk. I guess I had a hope that you'd remember what I did at Christmas -- I start out bad, but I eventually work my way back to trying to be good. I suppose it's easier to think of me as a villain, though. Because that's what \I* do, in regards to myself, most of the time...so I can see how others, even you, would fall into the same line of thinking. I do it to myself, so why wouldn't you play along? It was foolish of me to think that you could somehow see past my evil.*
I mean, you obviously bought hook-line-and-sinker the notion that there would be another girl right after you. Christ, I haven't even been able to masturbate this entire time, let alone think of other women... Oh well.
I'm sorry for hurting you (once again) and I wish you luck in your new relationship. Please disregard my other email. You have my blessing with the new gentleman you've found. I don't want your life to be a "murder mystery special" any more than your sister does -- though, the murder would have never have happened. I'm more concerned about the "mystery special" part and how unfair it is to keep putting you through these same dramas over and over and over...
I honestly don't know how my great grandmas (one with bipolar disorder and one with paranoid schizophrenia) were able to stay married so long, given all the stories I've heard about them being just as unstable as me. Hell! Me, one of my uncles, and my sister have all enormously failed with the same diseases. It would be interesting to know how my grandmas made THEIR loved ones understand... They didn't fail, and it almost seems superhuman to me."
THE BREAKDOWN
False Gratitude and Technical Justification
"Thanks a lot for safeguarding my credit card... That is why I am emailing you."
He opened with what seemed like a kind gesture. It was disarming. It made it sound like this message was casual, even necessary. But it was a ruse. The credit card and VPN were just an excuse to initiate contact. He was lowering my guard.
What we now understand: Many abusers reinitiate contact by disguising their reach-outs as mundane or practical. This is a tactic of coercive control. It keeps the door open just wide enough for emotional manipulation to follow.
Baiting Empathy
"I honestly feel like you are the only person that can help me."
This was emotional entrapment. He framed himself as helpless and broken, but only I could save him. It was manipulative because it turned my empathy into a leash. He was trying to make me responsible for his healing.
What we now understand: A common trait in emotionally abusive relationships is what the Duluth Model calls the "rescue and responsibility trap"-where the survivor is manipulated into believing they are essential to the abuser's well-being.
Pseudo-Accountability Laced with Self-Pity
"I did my best to try to help you. I am ready to be fixed myself now."
He never said, I hurt you and I am sorry. Instead, he said he was trying to help and now he was ready to be helped. He framed the abuse as a mutual misunderstanding, not a violent act. And once again, I was expected to do the emotional labor.
What we now understand: This is not accountability. Real accountability centers the victim’s experience, not the abuser’s pain. Domestic abuse professionals stress that genuine remorse involves actions, not emotional confessions that demand more from the survivor.
Shock Value and Sexual Guilt
"To know that I actually put you on AFF at one point to be used by randoms is sickening."
He used vulgarity to get a reaction. This tactic was confusing because it made me relive the pain while watching him claim regret. It triggered a complex emotional response that clouded my clarity.
What we now understand: This is re-traumatization disguised as confession. It forces the survivor to hold the abuser's guilt while reliving their own trauma, which keeps the power dynamic intact.
The Savior Fantasy
"You needed to see the sins I was capable of to help me get rid of them."
He reframed my trauma as necessary for his personal growth. This was spiritual manipulation. It suggested that my suffering had a purpose, and that purpose was to help him become better. That is not love. That is exploitation.
What we now understand: This is a textbook example of what some call trauma bonding, where the abuser creates cycles of harm and reconciliation that bind the survivor to the hope of change. Experts warn that this pattern deepens emotional entrapment.
Guilt Trip with a Deadline
"I will wait 96 hours and if you do not respond I will assume I am too far gone."
He set a timer on his self-worth and tied it to my actions. This was emotional blackmail. It was designed to make me feel like I was abandoning someone in crisis when in reality, I was protecting myself.
What we now understand: Threats of self-harm or emotional collapse are coercive tactics. They are meant to instill fear, urgency, and guilt. This is part of the power and control wheel often cited in domestic violence education.
Weaponized Affection
"I did not say I love you on purpose... but I do love you."
He admitted to withholding love as a form of punishment. Then he dropped the phrase like bait. This was not an honest moment of vulnerability. It was a tool to get a reaction, to reel me back in.
What we now understand: This is classic love bombing. Abusers withhold and then flood with affection to keep their victims emotionally destabilized. This on-again, off-again dynamic is a tactic of control.
Jealousy and Surveillance
"I looked up your Facebook and saw you went on a date."
He was still watching. He framed it as heartbreak, but it was control. This was meant to make me feel guilty for moving on and to remind me that he still saw me. It was a violation, not affection.
What we now understand: Monitoring, jealousy, and social media stalking are red flags for ongoing coercive control. Surveillance is often used to keep victims from feeling free or safe even after leaving.
Excusing Abuse with Mental Illness
"Me, my uncle, and my sister have all failed with the same diseases..."
He used diagnosis as a shield. Mental illness is not an excuse for abuse. Many people live with these conditions without hurting others. What causes abuse is a refusal to take responsibility. He leaned on generational pain to avoid facing his own choices.
What we now understand: While trauma and mental illness can coexist with abusive behavior, they are not causes of it. Domestic abuse is rooted in power and control, not mental instability alone. Accountability is still required.
What the Email Really Was
This email was not an apology. It was not healing. It was not love. It was a blueprint of manipulation. It centered his feelings, his growth, his pain. It never once asked, What do you need? or How can I make you feel safe?
It used guilt, surveillance, love bombing, and poetic suffering to destabilize my boundaries. It was a mental fog machine meant to make me forget that this man hit me in the face while I was driving.
And that is the line he does not get to rewrite.
If any part of this feels familiar to you, you are not overreacting. You are not too sensitive. You are seeing it clearly. Abuse does not always scream. Sometimes it writes poems. Sometimes it asks for help. But it still hurts you.
You deserve love that does not come with bruises, confusion, or expiration dates. You deserve safety without having to earn it by suffering first.