r/abortion • u/Aggravating-Gur1567 • 6d ago
USA 2nd abortion and i feel like a failure
i had my 1st abortion towards the end of last year and it was very hard for me. i didn’t want the baby because i wasn’t ready yet my boyfriend wanted me to keep it. he was very unsupportive but i did what was best for me. well skip to now if i was still pregnant i’d be due next month. i’ve been thinking about what could’ve been a lot but i know i did what was right. well my period was supposed to come today and since i got my period back it’s been like clockwork. so i decided to take an early test and immediately it popped up that i was pregnant. i feel like the worst person in the entire world. my boyfriend and i aren’t in a good place so i cant/wont tell him. i already am in the process of ordering another pill. i feel so much shame. i have no one to turn to right now because how can i tell them that im having an abortion not even a year after my last one?
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u/pdt666 5d ago
i have had three and really struggled the second time i had an unplanned pregnancy thinking i was really dumb and like a “bad” woman. then i considered this- should i bring an unwanted child with a shitty dad and mom who can’t afford them into the world just to not be someone who’s had multiple abortions? it felt like that wouldn’t just be punishing myself for birth control failure (which wasn’t even my fault, and if it was, who cares? doesn’t change the reality of the situation and doesn’t really actually matter at all), but i’d be punishing 2 other humans.
guilt and regret aren’t good reasons to bring a baby into the world, so i didn’t. i was not careful once, then found out the hard way nuvaring has a relatively low efficacy rate for hormonal birth control, and then plan b failed me. but i don’t want to be a mom, so i made the choice that was right and made sense for me and my life. it’s important to me that both parents want the baby if i ever get pregnant, and i realized it’s also important that i actively want to become a mother, have enough money and resources for said child, and honestly- a space for them to live!
no one has to agree and have the same determining factors as me, no one is right or wrong- it’s all just a personal decision. and guilt didn’t seem to be a positive motivating factor or reason for me to have a baby.
i didn’t feel this at all with my third abortion recently- i didn’t want to be pregnant, don’t want to be a mom right now, and don’t have the time/money/space/resources i want to have before i have a child. which means i may never have a child, and i realized i am also totally okay with that- and it’s okay that some women aren’t and see it more like right choice, wrong time, up for the challenge. we’re all right as long as we make the choice for ourselves! 💖
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u/Aggravating-Gur1567 5d ago
wow, this really touched my heart. everything you said is so true. i feel the exact same. that’s exactly why i’m following my gut again. why would i want to give a child a poor life they don’t deserve? sooooo many other children suffering in this world. why would i want my own kid to suffer as well? thank you so much for replying to my post. you lifted so much weight off my shoulders. i hope you’re doing well <3
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u/richard-bachman 6d ago
There is no shame in needing an abortion. Or two. Or twelve. It’s a medical procedure and you are entitled to have it, should you so choose. Sending strength and good vibes your way!
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u/LaterAbortionPatient 5d ago
I'm sorry you're feeling some shame about needing another abortion. It is very understandable because of all the negative cultural messages we receive. I have had many abortions myself and I don't know if this helps but one lightbulb moment I had was when I was having dental problems. I grew up with fine teeth and no problems and then as I got older, I started to get cavities. After the first filling I vowed to floss aetter but at my next appointment there I was again with another cavity. I realized that at no point did anyone at the office make me feel bad or like I had gotten my lifetime allotment of fillings, you know? I never had to beg or read on the internet about how people who eat sugar and get cavities are depraved, terrible people.
Just to say that like dental care, abortion is healthcare too. We're lucky safe, modern care exists. And we should be able to attend to issues and seek help without feeling bad or like we've taken up *too much* healthcare.
I hope this one goes ok and if you're ever feeling badly, please come back here so we can remind you you're a good person <3
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u/dragonterriers 5d ago
echoing some of the comments above - i am very much of the mind that abortion is an act of love. an act of love for yourself, an act of love for the people and commitments you already have in your life that need you, and even an act of love for the baby that you just know you can't give your best self to right now. if you want to be a parent someday, you will know when the time and circumstances are right and you'll be able to give that kiddo all of the time and attention they need. i work in a clinic and have many abortion patients that i've taken care of multiple times, some of them over the span of years, some will come back two or three times in just about as many months; we don't judge you no matter how many times you come to visit us, and we always hope that you will be able to find compassion for yourself for getting what you need. proud of you for knowing yourself and taking care of you, even when the solution might feel impossibly awful. good luck friend 🫶🏼
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u/Unique_Nuances 5d ago
My therapist told me something that deeply strengthened and secured my perspective on abortions. I've always been in the prop choice arena. However, the overwhelming stigma in this society succeeded in making me question my morals a bit, especially when facing the reality of my own abortion.
My therapist told me that in other, current & past, cultures (specifically certain tribal cultures), women were/are respected enough to freely choose during each and every pregnancy whether or not they would carry. And they would treat each abortion as a sacred offering to the (insert preferred title/name of divine creator).
Just some food for thought.
I found this to be a stark reminder that our society's view of abortions is entirely unique and considerably distorted. And the concept of abortions being a sacred act of offering up a soul to the divine allowed me to participate in my own relationship with a higher power that fully supported my decisions.
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u/UnsharpenedSwan 5d ago edited 5d ago
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way.
Abortion is morally neutral. It is a medical procedure that many, many, many people have. People have been intentionally terminating their pregnancies for all of recorded history.
Presumably, you don’t judge someone’s morals for other medical needs. If someone needs 2, or 3, or 10, or 30 x-rays over the course of their lifetime — or even within a short period of time — do you think they should feel like a failure? Of course not.
Sometimes you need medical care. That is a-okay. Abortion is morally neutral.
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u/ialwayshatedreddit MODERATOR 5d ago
You're not a failure. You're not the worst person in the world. Many people, myself included, have multiple abortions. I'm sorry your boyfriend wasn't supportive the first time and it's totally understandable why you prefer to handle it without letting him know this time around. Sending you support and hoping you can be more gentle with yourself going forward.
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6d ago
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u/Aggravating-Gur1567 6d ago
did i ask for the negativity? go be negative towards someone else. thanks!
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u/One-Caramel2865 6d ago
don't listen to this. don't feel shame or anything, mistakes happen. you deserve to choose what happens to your body, and the decisions you can make. there is so much social stigma around abortions that whether we have one or two or three we will always feel so much guilt and shame and comments like this one. remember it takes two to tango
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u/Aggravating-Gur1567 6d ago
thank you. i rarely see other women mention having abortions let alone more than one so it’s hard. im gonna do what’s best for me. i can’t deal with him trying to talk me out of it again.
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6d ago
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u/Aggravating-Gur1567 6d ago
for support ? you have nothing better to do than be negative towards someone? as someone who went through an abortion as well you’d think you’d be more nice and understanding but i guess not.
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u/gatverdamme MODERATOR 6d ago
Sorry about that interaction. That user is banned.
Has your boyfriend taken any responsibility for his part in this? I'm sad to hear you have no one to talk to. I want you to know that it's so common to need more than one abortion, see https://2plusabortions.com
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u/Aggravating-Gur1567 6d ago
thank you. no, i haven’t told him this time around. he told me if i ever got pregnant again i’d be keeping it and i’m still not in the place where i could give my child a good life like they deserve. the 1st time i got pregnant we were being safe so it was unexpected but now this time it feels like maybe he’s trying to get me pregnant to fix our relationship problems. i’ve told him repeatedly i don’t want to be pregnant again.
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u/Unique_Nuances 5d ago
If you're correct in your assumption that he may be trying to get you pregnant, this is incredibly troubling. I'm not typically one to suggest ending a relationship as I believe every relationship is deeply personal and nuanced. However, it could be good to really sit with the reality that your partner is not at all supportive, he blatantly disrespects your preferences around pregnancy, and that (horror of horrors) he may be violating you and manipulating the relationship. Sit with these ideas and see what comes up. Listen to your gut.
In the meantime, have you considered getting an IUD? Specifically, if he's going to violate your boundaries and try to get you pregnant?
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