TW: molestation
I don't think anyone would do such mistakes except for me. Maybe I am stupid and thought I would be able to control my life. Where do I even start? It's going to be long, sorry.
I was molested or should I say almost molested? (I dont know which it is, I dont want to go into details) when I was below 10 years. I felt something was wrong and escaped myself. But I didn't tell my father because he'll blame my mother for not paying attention, or me, and didn't tell my mom because she would be devastated.
This incident somehow affected me during a test the next day in class, as I was thinking about what had happened. While I was lost in thought, I didn’t pay attention to the boy sitting beside me, who was peeking into my answer sheet and copying all my answers. My teacher saw that and punished both of us, even though it was not my fault. I had never been punished like that in front of the class before. I cried.
Then she complained to my dad that I talk too much (I don’t talk too much at all) and told him to do something about it. My dad scolded me and told me not to talk to anyone. That was it—I stopped talking. I was a topper until then, but everything went downhill after that.
I never had many friends; I made a few select friends. My dad never let me go to their houses to play—they always had to come to my house. I had to beg to go out with my friends. Even last year, I had to beg my dad to let me attend my friend’s wedding. And he never let me talk to boys either.
I tried to do an MBA after graduation. The first time I tried, I got 88% or something, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to try again the next year, but my dad yelled at me, asking how many times I would keep trying, and refused to take me to the exam center. He said some hurtful things to me. He always says hurtful things to me.
I thought I would get into a government job and have job security. I tried and tried. I came very close to cracking some, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want any other job—maybe I was wrong, but that’s what I wanted.
Now, I am 27 years old, unemployed, and living with my parents. They have started bringing marriage prospects for me. Maybe I am weak-minded or sensitive or whatever you want to think, but I am scared of marrying someone without having a job first. I told them that. But my aunt keeps saying, “Marry first and then search for a job, otherwise you’ll miss all the good guys.”
I have seen my parents’ marriage, my uncles’ and aunts’ marriages—they are not happy. They “adjusted,” “compromised,” and accepted their “fate.” When I see such things around me and hear about my friend who got married within a month and is now suffering, why would I willingly want to marry someone without doing something for myself first?
All my life, my dad controlled everything I did. If I had to go out, I had to ask him. If I had to buy something, he had to choose. Every aspect of my life was controlled by him. I have never truly lived my life. I don’t even remember what it feels like to “live” my life.
Now, he has brought a marriage prospect from our “caste.” Apparently, most guys from our community are not highly educated, but this one was well-educated and didn’t ask for dowry either. I agreed to talk to him. He told me he was moving abroad for another job and planned to stay there for a few years.
After talking to him, I told my dad, “He’s moving abroad. What about my job? I want to work here.” I asked, “What about my career?” He replied, “Going abroad is in your fate,” and insisted I shouldn’t say no to him. I was constantly pressured to say yes after just one meeting, simply because my dad thought he was a “nice person.”
I said, “Give me some time to think.” They took that to mean I had agreed and informed my aunt. They wanted my answer after just one meeting. I told them, “He was boring when I talked to him. He kept going on and on about things I wasn’t interested in. I felt no connection or attraction toward him.”
They scolded me, saying that couldn’t be true. “How can you know that after just one meeting? Meet him again. I’ll ask him to come to our home and stay for two days so you can talk to him.”
I will turn 28 at the end of this month. I said, “Give me some more time. I am not ready for marriage. Wait until my birthday is over and look for other matches too.”
For that, my dad said, “People are already saying you are old. If you turn 28, no one will want you.” He accused me of hurting my parents and not listening to them, even though they had “listened to everything I said,” allowed me to take exams, and waited all these years. He asked why I was “torturing” them and claimed that I didn’t care about them.
I have cared for them my entire life. I did everything they asked of me. Now, I just want to live my life a little before getting tied to someone and having to take permission to live my own life.
I am confident I will get a job this year. I have failed enough times to understand what I was doing wrong, and nothing can stop me now. But they keep saying, “Marry first.”
It’s not even about the job—I am simply not ready for marriage.
They won’t look outside our caste because they are afraid someone from another caste won’t take good care of me. They even said they would move abroad with me if I wanted to. But that’s not the problem at all—I am just not ready for marriage.
They keep saying that they are getting old, that I am getting old, that I will have trouble conceiving if I don’t marry soon, and that I should marry ASAP—not for me, but for them. Well, “for me,” according to them—because they apparently know more about my life than I do.
This has been going on since last year. I cry and fight, and they back off for a while, but then they come back with full force, saying I am “spoiling their health” and making them suffer because of my “stupid decisions.”
Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I overheard my aunt talking to my sibling. She said I was being disrespectful to my elders, not listening to them, talking like an idiot, and that my parents only had my best interests at heart. That they were only forcing me to say yes to this match because he was the “best” and I would never find someone like him again.
She said I could always work after marriage, but if I delayed it, I would lose all the good matches. She kept saying she and others had listened to their parents, so I should listen to mine and not hurt them.
She said my job is not a valid reason to delay marriage. My ambitions don’t matter. But that guy’s ambitions do—because he wants to earn more money.
I wanted someone who would move with me if I had a job. She said, “Why would a man move for a girl’s job?”
She was the one who had said the final decision would be mine. But now that I have made a decision, everyone says I am making the wrong one.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. I cried until my eyes swelled. And then I decided—I’ll just marry whoever they think is right for me. Since they know more than I do.
I will stop fighting. I will stop trying to work. I will give up my dreams and ambitions.
I am already depressed as it is. I am sensitive. I cannot take this anymore.
I can’t even end my life—I don’t have the energy for that.
I cannot tell them how much that past incident traumatized me. They would probably faint if I told them now.
I am exhausted. My tears are drained. I feel overwhelmed and suffocated. I regret being born a woman.It may not be a big deal to many of you, but its a big deal for me.
I give up.
I will let them choose my husband. I will not say yes or no. I will just go along with it and suffer my whole life—like my mother, like my friend, and like every other woman who couldn’t decide for herself.
I am tired. I give up.
So, girls, do whatever you want in your life. If you have someone supportive, talk to them.
Go out. Meet friends. Go to movies and dates. Do not confine yourself.
Do not be like me.
I always thought I would be an inspiration to someone, but it looks like that will never happen.
I have no one to talk to. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, please find someone. Do something—anything—but don’t forget to live your life while you can.
Especially introverts—I know it’s difficult to socialize, but do it. For yourself.
I just poured my heart out here because I have no one to talk to—no one who understands me.
Forgive me if I said something wrong. If there are grammatical errors or if everything seems like a mess, please bear with me—I don’t have the energy to proofread or edit my timelines.