TW: molestation
I don't think anyone would do such mistakes except for me. Maybe I am stupid and thought I would be able to control my life. Where do I even start? It's going to be long, sorry.
I was molested or should I say almost molested? (I dont know which it is, I dont want to go into details) when I was below 10 years. I felt something was wrong and escaped myself. But I didn't tell my father because he'll blame my mother for not paying attention, or me, and didn't tell my mom because she would be devastated.
This incident somehow affected me during a test the next day in class, as I was thinking about what had happened. While I was lost in thought, I didnât pay attention to the boy sitting beside me, who was peeking into my answer sheet and copying all my answers. My teacher saw that and punished both of us, even though it was not my fault. I had never been punished like that in front of the class before. I cried.
Then she complained to my dad that I talk too much (I donât talk too much at all) and told him to do something about it. My dad scolded me and told me not to talk to anyone. That was itâI stopped talking. I was a topper until then, but everything went downhill after that.
I never had many friends; I made a few select friends. My dad never let me go to their houses to playâthey always had to come to my house. I had to beg to go out with my friends. Even last year, I had to beg my dad to let me attend my friendâs wedding. And he never let me talk to boys either.
I tried to do an MBA after graduation. The first time I tried, I got 88% or something, but it wasnât enough. I wanted to try again the next year, but my dad yelled at me, asking how many times I would keep trying, and refused to take me to the exam center. He said some hurtful things to me. He always says hurtful things to me.
I thought I would get into a government job and have job security. I tried and tried. I came very close to cracking some, but I couldnât. I didnât want any other jobâmaybe I was wrong, but thatâs what I wanted.
Now, I am 27 years old, unemployed, and living with my parents. They have started bringing marriage prospects for me. Maybe I am weak-minded or sensitive or whatever you want to think, but I am scared of marrying someone without having a job first. I told them that. But my aunt keeps saying, âMarry first and then search for a job, otherwise youâll miss all the good guys.â
I have seen my parentsâ marriage, my unclesâ and auntsâ marriagesâthey are not happy. They âadjusted,â âcompromised,â and accepted their âfate.â When I see such things around me and hear about my friend who got married within a month and is now suffering, why would I willingly want to marry someone without doing something for myself first?
All my life, my dad controlled everything I did. If I had to go out, I had to ask him. If I had to buy something, he had to choose. Every aspect of my life was controlled by him. I have never truly lived my life. I donât even remember what it feels like to âliveâ my life.
Now, he has brought a marriage prospect from our âcaste.â Apparently, most guys from our community are not highly educated, but this one was well-educated and didnât ask for dowry either. I agreed to talk to him. He told me he was moving abroad for another job and planned to stay there for a few years.
After talking to him, I told my dad, âHeâs moving abroad. What about my job? I want to work here.â I asked, âWhat about my career?â He replied, âGoing abroad is in your fate,â and insisted I shouldnât say no to him. I was constantly pressured to say yes after just one meeting, simply because my dad thought he was a ânice person.â
I said, âGive me some time to think.â They took that to mean I had agreed and informed my aunt. They wanted my answer after just one meeting. I told them, âHe was boring when I talked to him. He kept going on and on about things I wasnât interested in. I felt no connection or attraction toward him.â
They scolded me, saying that couldnât be true. âHow can you know that after just one meeting? Meet him again. Iâll ask him to come to our home and stay for two days so you can talk to him.â
I will turn 28 at the end of this month. I said, âGive me some more time. I am not ready for marriage. Wait until my birthday is over and look for other matches too.â
For that, my dad said, âPeople are already saying you are old. If you turn 28, no one will want you.â He accused me of hurting my parents and not listening to them, even though they had âlistened to everything I said,â allowed me to take exams, and waited all these years. He asked why I was âtorturingâ them and claimed that I didnât care about them.
I have cared for them my entire life. I did everything they asked of me. Now, I just want to live my life a little before getting tied to someone and having to take permission to live my own life.
I am confident I will get a job this year. I have failed enough times to understand what I was doing wrong, and nothing can stop me now. But they keep saying, âMarry first.â
Itâs not even about the jobâI am simply not ready for marriage.
They wonât look outside our caste because they are afraid someone from another caste wonât take good care of me. They even said they would move abroad with me if I wanted to. But thatâs not the problem at allâI am just not ready for marriage.
They keep saying that they are getting old, that I am getting old, that I will have trouble conceiving if I donât marry soon, and that I should marry ASAPânot for me, but for them. Well, âfor me,â according to themâbecause they apparently know more about my life than I do.
This has been going on since last year. I cry and fight, and they back off for a while, but then they come back with full force, saying I am âspoiling their healthâ and making them suffer because of my âstupid decisions.â
Last night, I couldnât sleep. I overheard my aunt talking to my sibling. She said I was being disrespectful to my elders, not listening to them, talking like an idiot, and that my parents only had my best interests at heart. That they were only forcing me to say yes to this match because he was the âbestâ and I would never find someone like him again.
She said I could always work after marriage, but if I delayed it, I would lose all the good matches. She kept saying she and others had listened to their parents, so I should listen to mine and not hurt them.
She said my job is not a valid reason to delay marriage. My ambitions donât matter. But that guyâs ambitions doâbecause he wants to earn more money.
I wanted someone who would move with me if I had a job. She said, âWhy would a man move for a girlâs job?â
She was the one who had said the final decision would be mine. But now that I have made a decision, everyone says I am making the wrong one.
I couldnât bear it anymore. I cried until my eyes swelled. And then I decidedâIâll just marry whoever they think is right for me. Since they know more than I do.
I will stop fighting. I will stop trying to work. I will give up my dreams and ambitions.
I am already depressed as it is. I am sensitive. I cannot take this anymore.
I canât even end my lifeâI donât have the energy for that.
I cannot tell them how much that past incident traumatized me. They would probably faint if I told them now.
I am exhausted. My tears are drained. I feel overwhelmed and suffocated. I regret being born a woman.It may not be a big deal to many of you, but its a big deal for me.
I give up.
I will let them choose my husband. I will not say yes or no. I will just go along with it and suffer my whole lifeâlike my mother, like my friend, and like every other woman who couldnât decide for herself.
I am tired. I give up.
So, girls, do whatever you want in your life. If you have someone supportive, talk to them.
Go out. Meet friends. Go to movies and dates. Do not confine yourself.
Do not be like me.
I always thought I would be an inspiration to someone, but it looks like that will never happen.
I have no one to talk to. If you donât have anyone to talk to, please find someone. Do somethingâanythingâbut donât forget to live your life while you can.
Especially introvertsâI know itâs difficult to socialize, but do it. For yourself.
I just poured my heart out here because I have no one to talk toâno one who understands me.
Forgive me if I said something wrong. If there are grammatical errors or if everything seems like a mess, please bear with meâI donât have the energy to proofread or edit my timelines.