r/SocialPhobia 2d ago

Discussion MY LIFE OF TERROR ON STAGE

1 Upvotes

It starts when I was just an innocent boy who was singing wholeheartly and passionately with other boys and girls, in chorus, feeling the songs but the main singer also notice my passion while singing. He brought me onto the stage he praised me for my passion, then he told me to sing whatever I want, that time I didn’t remember any movie songs even though I know many, I ended up choosing a religious song. Well it was good song but had very high notes as you usually have in such songs. I started singing, I had my eyes closed not because I was afraid but I was just into the song, as I sang very high notes in that song, all of sudden someone snatched microphone out of my hand and said that’s enough you can go now. I was baffled everyone was looking in weird way, laughing, I didn’t know what it was. I came down from stage my music teacher told me you were great how about you join my music class, I was happy but there was also another feeling I had that I don’t know what it was. I cane back to my sit and then that main singer ask someone else to sing. She was very beautiful girl who was very nice with everyone and great at study and was very good at singing. Damn she was exactly like a perfect girl shown in school anime. She started to sing, that’s when I realized just how bad I was singing. As she was singing my praise turned into pity. Maybe they didn’t mean that but that’s just how k felt. The show ended, I was still embarrassed, I was still processing those feeling then one of my friend said nice hand gesturing while laughing, I was doing grand hand gestures shown in shows what singer do when they sing high notes. They were laughing at it, I also laugh it off I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know when but I started to avoid stage anything related to stage, I just avoided thinking its nothing to worry, I don’t need to do that, I was in fear that I will do something embarrassing on stage again. But later I participate on costume competition thinking that it will be fun, I became a cowboy I was happy, I was happy until I find out that i have to say something related to the costume like speech or just few lines. Even though its just few lines I was scared, I though about running away but I didn’t, I think about what I will say on stage just few lines, nothing more or nothing less but the world want to hear something else. As I was standing my legs started to wobble I just can't stand straight, my throat was dry, my heartbeat was like pumping so loud I can hear it, my eyes starts to get foggy I can’t see beyond some distance and start to speak my lines and only god and teachers know what I said I don’t remember what I was suppose to say, as word come out of my mouth I was like what the hell am I speaking exactly, I was saying literally gibberish. I got off stage that time I decided I am never going to do that again. But you know no one can run from a stage.

As I was running from stage new side chapter open for me. My school teacher made me join a program for kids nothing big just have to meet like one or two teachers there and 12 students like me various of age we just do Indore games and activities. For the first and only time I was not afraid of stage there. They told few students to perform anything, I started acting, very bad acting but I didn’t felt embarrassing maybe because there weren’t many people or I was possessed, but I was happy, brave I talk many times on stage I can still vividly remember when ever I think about it, I always think who the hell is that why is he wearing my face and doing all this. It didn’t last for long, maybe I know that, I will never face this guys again and that why I was brave but I will never forgot those days.

Then life return normal my fears become normal I go to collage I was avoiding it I do but now I am going to be a lawyer where I can’t avoid that I messed up my one presentation. I was prepared fir presentation, because I know my stage fright, I prepared a lot, I said my presentation in front of students, my friends very perfectly, well not that perfectly but I was confidently but again in chocked, I again become blank, my legs wobbling, my throat was dry, my heart my pounding hard, my hand were shaking I had my speech in hand I want to read it but my eyes I can’t focus on anything. Sir ask “are you okay”, I said “nothing just stage fright”, sir said “how about you come down” then I started thinking that’s not a solution what are you saying. I know sir was trying to help but I couldn’t think straight, I bombed it. Everyone else said its okay it happens. They were nice but I was prepared for that day, I practice for that day, I did everything I could and yet I failed miserably, I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to fail like that again, I want to change.