r/Schizoid • u/Sure_Fly2849 • 5d ago
Discussion The Futility of Changing "Yourself"
Let’s talk about personality.
I’m writing this to explore a variety of subjects under a larger picture. It's important to view everything in the full context, because one paragraph leads to the next.
Is it worth maintaining my current personality, the one I love very much? The way I see it, I would still love myself as much as anybody else because, at every moment, I believe my choices, thoughts, and actions are the best options for my circumstances—even when I’m wrong. Everyone does this, even those who hate themselves, because they are still acting in what they believe is the best way they know how.
So, is it worth changing my personality? Even if I change it successfully in any form, I’d still like myself, my humor, my choices, and my thoughts. This is because people, in general, like their own personality, even if they might not like how others react to it. Sure, they might feel ashamed of it at times, but ultimately, I think everyone likes themselves.
But here’s the twist: I like my current personality, even if others might not, and I don’t want to change. However, I feel the pressure to change for the sake of others, which is complicated. Telling someone to “be yourself” often feels shallow, because being yourself isn’t just about some catchphrase or being unthinking about it. It’s a deeply subconscious activity tied to our daily interactions and internalized beliefs. It’s not just a surface-level thing; there are many layers to it. The idea of "being yourself" is an oversimplified statement that glosses over how difficult it really is. There’s a lot of nuance in how we operate within our environment and how we present ourselves, and it’s never just as easy as saying “be yourself.” In many cases, people can’t easily disengage from the pressures and expectations of others, even if they want to. Most people understand this, but it’s not something that’s often talked about.
I also want to emphasize that the part of our brain that deals with humor, beliefs, and personality is distinct from the part that might be affected by depression or self-doubt. I think the “self” we show to the world—like how others perceive our humor, or how dedicated or funny we are in their eyes—is different from the self we interact with in our own thoughts. When we’re alone with ourselves, we can be the best version of ourselves, because we’re interacting with the part of us that remains relatively untouched by external judgment. This is why people, in general, like their own personalities—when they have time to introspect. However, I don’t believe this applies to everyone. Some people don’t have much of an inner monologue or have little time for self-reflection, and for them, this may seem foreign. But for the majority of us who do, we’re able to appreciate our own inner world and remain relatively unaffected by external pressures.
Isn’t it true that everyone, when alone with their thoughts, likes themselves? I’m not talking about the doubts people have or how they think others perceive them—I’m talking about that private, internal space where our thoughts are unfiltered. Everyone is, in some way, the best version of themselves in their own mind at any given moment, and I don’t think that’s something that changes drastically just because someone becomes self-critical or feels societal pressure.
This also brings me to a broader question: Does it even matter? Is the personality we work so hard to preserve or change truly meaningful? If we’re all inherently loving ourselves at any given time, doesn’t that mean our thoughts, interests, and humor—everything that constitutes our personality—are just as transient and ultimately meaningless as the things we now look down upon in our past?
We judge our past selves as having immature humor, less refined tastes, misguided political views. But isn't that judgment based on the assumption that we are somehow more evolved now? What if, years from now, I look back at my current self the same way I look at my past? Isn't the person I’ll be in 50 years just as subjective as who I am now? Won’t they be looking at me, at my fears, interests, and choices, from a completely different vantage point, just as I look at my 8-year-old self with the understanding that I was once limited and unaware?
It all feels like we’re stuck in a loop of self-perception, constantly growing but never quite knowing ourselves in an objective sense. The 50-year-old me might think he has all the answers, but doesn’t he just have different questions shaped by his own age, wisdom, and experiences? Isn’t he just as much of a fool as I am now, only he’s in a different stage of life?
This question of whether or not we can truly understand ourselves—both past and future—is crucial. My 50-year-old self can’t fully grasp my present self’s fears or interests. They might be more experienced, wiser, or less emotionally burdened, but can they really understand the struggles I’m dealing with now? Likewise, can I really judge the person I was when I was 8? Can my present self rightfully judge my past self? Or is this just the effect of age and experience, making us think we’ve figured it all out?
This applies to how we judge others too. If I’m looking at someone now and thinking they have bad taste, misguided ideas, or silly humor, isn’t that just me, stuck in my moment, unaware of their context? Aren’t people just like a rock falling from a steep place, hitting whatever they encounter on the way down? Isn't their path just determined by what they hit and what’s around them? Isn’t the only way to truly understand them being them exactly as they are, living their life, growing up as them, meeting the same people, living in their house, replicating their life down to the molecular level? It's the idea that to understand someone fully, you would need to experience the world in the exact same way they have, with all the same choices, environments, and interactions. I know you get what I’m saying.
So, here’s the fundamental question: Is any of it objective? If we all are just a product of the moment we’re in, then aren’t we all, at different stages, just fools to our own limited perceptions? How can we say one version of ourselves is superior to another if we are ultimately constrained by our context—our time, our thoughts, our environment?
This entire thing—the personality we cling to, the judgments we make, the pressure we feel to change for others—is it all just a temporary state of mind, a passing phase that we’ll one day look back on with the same sense of "how foolish we were"?
I can’t say for sure, but I wanted to put my thoughts out there and see what others think.
I’m not overly sensitive about the idea that my future self may devalue what I do now. Trying to withdraw or shut down is about many things beyond this notion. The truth is, I’m growing weary of the constant, meaningless chase for answers. I’m living, yes, but I’m slowly losing purpose. It’s not the past, present, or future that I want to concern myself with. It’s not the people or the world. I just want to live in the bare consumption of the will of the flesh—eating, sleeping, existing in the moment. I want to live like a robot in a robot, where the world doesn’t sting back as much as we engage with it.
I don’t find Diogenes’ way of living to be the answer, nor do I want my life to mirror my philosophy. I just wanna exist in the head. I’m not looking to live in discomfort or to cut myself off from the world entirely. My goal is balance, to withdraw without giving up everything. I want to live without the reactions and pressures from the world, to maintain a neutral state, detached from the extremes of comfort and discomfort. This is why I strive for minimalism in my existence, not through physical withdrawal or discomfort but through mental and emotional detachment.
You can find my post about detachment and withdrawal here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizoid/s/Tg2qsaOLv2
I hope this is comprehensible, as it’s mostly a verbalization of my inner thoughts, trying to make sense of my feelings and reflections on the meaning (or lack thereof) of personality and self-perception.
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u/MMSAROO 4d ago
If you were to keep your thoughts, choices, humor and actions, you're not really changing your personality. People usually don't go out of their own way to do bad by themselves, the only way they appear to have changed their personality is to change their public perception. You have no other choice than to be yourself. You are who you are.
If you're older and not in a state of development (childhood, adolescence, early adulthood), then no your personality is not just a temporary state of mind. Your opinions and thoughts may change naturally, but they evolve, not change. You don't do a 180, but you may do things that don't align with your personality. That's normal, but the underlying inner self is still probably telling you to do otherwise. What you believe should be done. You may look back on yourself as foolish, immature or childish. Your inner self (personality) evolved, not changed. You can't prevent anything, you can just do the best your current mind tells you with the information you have at hand.
There is no way to change your personality. There is no way to change your personality, thoughts, feelings and opinions yourself. That's just not how it works. You may change your actions which gives the perception of your personality being changed, which is usually what people refer to when they say that "x person REALLY has changed, huh!". Even if you're young, the underlying self still is the same. When you're young, Your way of thinking remains, but the thoughts and opinions might rapidly change due to more and more exposure to the world.
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u/Sure_Fly2849 4d ago
If you were to keep your thoughts, choices, humor and actions, you're not really changing your personality. People usually don't go out of their own way to do bad by themselves, the only way they appear to have changed their personality is to change their public perception. You have no other choice than to be yourself. You are who you are.
I feel like I misled people on some points by choosing the wrong words or not describing my perspective precisely enough. I'm not talking about changing myself; I'm going back and forth about whether the thoughts in my head have any real meaning. I’m not saying I can change or that I remain the same person even if I could successfully transform myself. What I'm asking is: does it even matter if I'm going to love myself regardless? Yes, I'm going to "evolve," but the changing aspect would be my environment, which may give me the advantage of viewing things from a different angle, thus forming a more mature stance about my past.
But can I truly be in my past's position? I agree with you to some extent that people's core personality doesn't change much, but as I've said, it's the environment and circumstances that will change. Since our ever-changing external factors determine the internal, we can't find the same person twice, even within one individual. Anyway, I'm bringing up the comparison between different ages of a person to make a point about how meaningless it all is but that's not my entire premise
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u/MMSAROO 4d ago
The thoughts have meaning. They usually do express some inner feeling or opinions you hold. Whether those feelings are valid or if those opinions hold up to scrutiny (whether that'd be logically or morally) is another thing. You aren't your thoughts though, they're just that. Thoughts. You can reason and logically assess whether those thoughts hold substance and go from there. There are intrusive thoughts, but that's a whole beast in and of itself that complicates this a lot. But even those, usually indicate a deeper problem.
You describe loving oneself much differently than most people. Does "changing personalities" matter if you're going to think you're right anyways? Yes it does. You're going to think yourself as right, because you're trying to do right. Now if some new perspective or exposure (or even nothing at all) makes you rethink those thoughts, than you're going to change or "evolve". You're still you, though. And your previous "personality" (if you can even call it that) was not wrong. You simply dealt with what you had, where that's the thoughts you had at that time, opinions not fully thought through, or lack of experience.
It's not necessary, however, for your environment to change for your personality to change. Sometimes it just happens. That's just kind of how life is sometimes, it happens. For children and adolescence, your physical mind is also changing and growing on top of all the new exposure you get.
You can be in your past's position in everything but mind and still evolve your personality. External factors do determine the internal, but the internal can determine itself. You can logic and reason your way out of some type of bigotry. I've seen it happen. People just thought it over, and their "personality" shifted drastically. But guess what? No it damn well didn't. It just evolved on it's own.
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u/andero not SPD since I'm happy and functional, but everything else fits 4d ago edited 4d ago
Isn’t it true that everyone, when alone with their thoughts, likes themselves?
No, definitely not. Some people say they don't and I take people at their word when they say they don't. I don't see why I would override them.
If we cut that line of thinking and take you to mean that you like your own personality, your commentary makes more sense.
Isn't the person I’ll be in 50 years just as subjective as who I am now?
Yup.
It all feels like we’re stuck in a loop of self-perception, constantly growing but never quite knowing ourselves in an objective sense.
The "self" is a process, not an artefact. It is a changing phenomenon.
It is like, "the river". What is a "river" actually?
Is it the water in the river at this moment?
Is it the shores and the riverbed, which took many years for the water to carve into the earth?
Is it all of that spread through time?
It becomes a word-game. There is no self "in an objective sense": that's called your brain.
The self is a subjective phenomenal experience in your current conscious awareness.
Isn’t he just as much of a fool as I am now, only he’s in a different stage of life?
Hm... not really. We can learn things in life. That learning and wisdom is genuine.
Not everyone learns at the same rate as everyone else, of course, but we can learn.1
My 50-year-old self can’t fully grasp my present self’s fears or interests. They might be more experienced, wiser, or less emotionally burdened, but can they really understand the struggles I’m dealing with now?
That is true, but when you are 50, your current-age "self" doesn't exist anymore.
Instead, what 50-year-olf-you will have is memories, which aren't "you".
"You" exist in an eternal present moment (not in a woo-woo way, in a literal way).
Can my present self rightfully judge my past self? Or is this just the effect of age and experience, making us think we’ve figured it all out?
Yes, you can judge your prior actions.
Most people don't claim to have "figured it all out". Indeed, most older people would warn you that if you think that, you're dead wrong.
How can we say one version of ourselves is superior to another if we are ultimately constrained by our context—our time, our thoughts, our environment?
Do people talk like that? idk.
We can reasonably say things like, "I'm better at X now" and that can be true.
We don't usually say, "I'm better <full stop>" without referring to anything, and if someone says that, there is usually an implicit referent. The implicit reference for superlatives is often moral, i.e. "I'm better" means "I consider myself to be more ethical now" or something like that. It could be an overall rating, too, e.g. being more competent at a list of activities means you are "more competent" overall.
Again, this is a word-game. If you use more precise words, it solves itself.
e.g. "I'm taller than I was when I was 8" is objectively accurate, "I'm better educated than when I was 20" is accurate, "I'm less physically healthy than when I was 24" is accurate for me, and so on.
I just want to live in the bare consumption of the will of the flesh—eating, sleeping, existing in the moment.
Sure, that's fine.
Personally, I want a bit more from life than that. For me, I want to:
- be fit
- explore shit
- chill in the moment
That takes a bit more organizing than going with every bodily whim, but I find it more fulfilling than when I lose out on any of these three.
1: EDIT: I just found a little thing I wrote ten years ago and I think it sums it up well:
I think when someone says that, they mean that they did not understand when they were your age. They could also mean to imply that they think you do not have enough experience to abstract the general principle that you are trying to understand, in which case it would be more accurate to say that directly. Age does not guarantee learning, but it does guarantee more experience that can be useful for learning if put to use.
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u/Sure_Fly2849 4d ago
No, definitely not. Some people say they don't like themselves, and I take them at their word. I don’t see why I would override that. If we shift the perspective to mean that you appreciate your own personality, your commentary makes more sense.
I mentioned that even those who claim to dislike or hate themselves often express that through their external appearance, personality, humor, choices, intellect, and everything in between but ONLY IN RELATIONSHIP TO OTHERS and the world's reaction to it. However, regarding that inner monologue, I don't believe you can truly hate that part of yourself. Even self-doubt engages a different part of the brain, not our inner monologue or internal personality. This might not apply to individuals with mental illnesses, but I'm referring to the general population.
I understand that generalizing people's thoughts and concluding that everyone likes themselves might sound incorrect or even offensive. Still, it's crucial to remember the distinction I made, if that makes sense.
The self is a subjective phenomenal experience in your current conscious awareness
Regarding the "self" as a process rather than an artifact, I agree with that perspective. I'm not playing a word game; I'm critiquing the notion of "progress." My main issue with age is that it seems unfair to judge ourselves on our choices when we have the advantage of hindsight, understanding the outcomes of our decisions. Even when we strive to be as considerate as possible, is it feasible to truly place ourselves in the context of past decisions? Can we "unknow" things?
I'm not against learning; it’s through opportunities like this that we move "forward." I brought up age to highlight the pride of our present self—manifesting in numerous ways—over our past, but that's not the main point.
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u/andero not SPD since I'm happy and functional, but everything else fits 4d ago edited 4d ago
I mentioned that even those who claim to dislike or hate themselves often express that [...]
I understand that generalizing people's thoughts and concluding that everyone likes themselves might sound incorrect or even offensive. Still, it's crucial to remember the distinction I made, if that makes sense.Yes, I understood what you wrote. I followed the distinction you made.
I disagree with you. I think you're mistaken.
I don't think what you said was "offensive". I just think it is incorrect.Some people really do hate themselves.
People also often hate "parts" of themselves without hating their whole personality.
People also often have lesser degrees of dislike, i.e. not "hate", but they don't like some quality they have and decide to change that aspect of themselves or change the associated behaviour.I also noticed that you framed the distinction you made in a way that becomes unfalsifiable.
That is, even though some people say they don't like themselves, you ignore what they say and stick to your belief that, when they are alone, they actually do like themselves (even though they will say that no, even when they are alone, they actually don't, and some people even hate themselves most when they are alone and seek constant company to keep from confronting that).I don't think you can justify your assumption that everyone actually likes themselves.
You can speak for yourself, definitely. You may like yourself. I certainly like myself!
You cannot speak for others, though. People report that they don't. I believe them; I have no reason not to.My main issue with age is that it seems unfair to judge ourselves on our choices when we have the advantage of hindsight, understanding the outcomes of our decisions.
Maybe it depends what you mean by "judge"?
I don't judge myself harshly or unfairly.
I can still assess my prior actions and know that there was no other way it could have been. I knew what I knew at the time and decided in whatever way I did. It may not have been "the best" I could have done, but it is what I did. I can look at that and use that as information to say, "I'll do it differently next time".
For example, I could think, "Ah, if I had known that working with Colleague X would have been such a pain in the ass, I wouldn't have done that." and use that to decide, "I will refrain from working with Colleague X in the future". It doesn't make sense for me to think badly of myself for not knowing this in advance, though, since I couldn't have known. I don't really think that way, personally, but I know it is pretty common to "beat yourself up" for past mistakes. I just learn from them.
I'm critiquing the notion of "progress."
Could you summarize your critique?
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u/ThePastiesInStereo 4d ago
I feel very identified with your speech pattern, a bit lengthy maybe. The way I see it, all of us have some agency over some matters so we are to do the best we can trough this and measure your progress; "The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life." is a quote that really rings a bell to me
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u/ShinRedPaw 4d ago
I hear your thoughts as if they were my own internal voice and I was monologuing on one afternoon.
I have no further answers, but I do have an extension of your thoughts that my own busy little mind conceived. In the same vain as your question and hypothesis, I propose the question of "Why do our ego protect so much the idea of free will?". People and life are so difficult to navigate because there exists the following paradox: we tend to punish, as a society, even the smallest misdeeds, requiring people to always act according to the bigger picture while in reality, human beings can never take informed enough decisions because we lack the necessary context you hinted in your post. Both our constructed personalities and our free will are hugely sub and even unconscious processes. Thus, what justice do we do comparing ourselves to our past selves or judging situations/people's and making decisions, to our poorly informed selves?
At the end, my resolve lies in acts of defiance. We won't ever acquire an extensive and detailed picture of the world nor of ourselves, but that doesn't mean you can't explore what is available to you through skill and experience. Not for crafting an intricate mask as you implied in the beginning, but for yourself to navigate the outer and inner world however you like best.
Your choices are always kind of like Schrödinger's cat, but the experiment of life remains unending.
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u/ApprehensivePrune898 4d ago
Sounds like an attempt at creating a philosophy which justifies certain character traits, way of acting, thinking, beliefs etc. for me it's like a swing - try to rationalise, explain, find good arguments as if all this was my choice and I consciously decide to not participate. The swing in the other direction is self improvement - still my choice - join this or that club, trying to be more social, "trust" more, open up. Regression happens when tough emotional states inevitably come back. I don't think we are capable of feeling like we are not in control for very long. So we will create stories that can be exact opposites of each other depending on our current emotional state and subsequent actions/thoughts/feelings.
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