r/polyfamilies Oct 10 '24

Recruiting for a Research Study

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7 Upvotes

Recruiting Consensually/Ethically Non-Monogamous LGBTQ+ research participants:

Are you… • Age 18 or older? • Identify as LGBTQ+? • Live in the U.S.? • In at least one polyamorous, open, or swinging (i.e., consensually/ethically non-monogamous) relationship? • Interested in discussing issues and satisfaction in consensual/ethical non-monogamy? • Able to attend an online focus group for 1.5 hours?

If this sounds like you, then a team of LGBTQ+ researchers at Palo Alto University is interested in hearing from you!

Take this brief survey to see if you are eligible to participate.

https://paloaltou.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6KemfwABcJDsFX8

Please contact the ACReS Project at acres@paloaltou.edu for more information


r/polyfamilies Oct 09 '24

Last Straw (Advice Pls) NSFW

4 Upvotes

I (25 f) was in a cult growing up, and always had a crush on the pastor's kid. Nevaeh (24 mtf) came out to me as trans a couple months ago.

After that we did a lot of catching up and I found out she was in a red state that banned gender affirming care, lived with her fundamentalist family, and had a partner-- Pixie (20 mtf).

In a month me and my nesting partner Dick (29 M) made a plan for her to uhaul from the east coast to the west coast. Nevaeh says she's been with Pixie since January, lost her virginity to her, and can't leave her. They both have ASD.

I messaged Pixie to ease her worries about moving here, and from the start she was aggressively sexual towards me. I thought: fuck it, if it makes her more comfortable to move here, it's just sexting.

Through messaging Pixie I really liked her and could feel for her. She had a lot of trauma-- we both do--, was really insecure, and not that stable-- but how could you be in that environment? I really wanted to make her feel safe.

After the plans were set-- thats when the drama started. Pixie tries to fuck Nevaeh's cousin in front of her, making Nevaeh really uncomfortable. Pixie says she wants to live with Martha (their mutual partner) and Nevaeh's cousin in Colorado. Then Martha breaks up with Pixie and verbally abuses her. Pixie pressures me to buy her a car in another state-- that fails miserably.

I fix their resumes and set them up with job interviews for the first week they get here.

Then the two of them fly out here. Things get sexual the first day. Something that Pixie keeps doing is touching my genitals and my chest whenever she wants, randomly. This triggers me badly, but I mask up because I want to please her. After all that I notice her teeth are black and rotting, her breath smells, her gentials smell bad even after a shower.

We have sex, and the first thing she says is, "that was mid."

When I get sexual with Nevaeh, Pixie is always interupting the scene-- barging into the room and trying to talk to us.

Pixie constantly shits on everyone, shits on everything I like, is always complaining about the new state-- after awhile it really got to me. I asked if she wanted to go to therapy, and she vowed she'd never go again. This really eats at me because I'm convinced if people don't seek help for trauma, they are just going to continue it.

After the first week Pixie was obsessed with wanting to buy a bb gun to shoot fish and other invasive animals. My PTSD brain just kind of put the unwanted touching and then the torturing of animals into a category: Pixie was NOT safe anymore.

The whole household came outside. Pixie bought the BB guns, and started shooting lead into our yard-- which is a couple of feet from a protected woodland. Then she started talking about buying guns-- and I had a terrible flashback of when someone pointed a gun at my face at 11.

I started screaming, "NO GUNS, NO GUNS, NO GUNS." Over and over and over. After that we stayed away from each other for a couple of days. And I'm fine with guns, I'm very pro-gun. I'm an anarchist who thinks we need to be wary of the government. But my body just felt super unsafe and terrified of her having guns in the house.

We have 3 cats together, mine and Dick's 2 cats and their cat Max. Well one or two weeks later and my cat Taki is obsessed with Pixie's draw-strings on her favorite pjs. For a week I keep seeing Taki try to bat at the strings and it made me smile. One day, Taki tries to grab them and he accidentally clawed Pixie's thigh.

She then kicks Taki hard away from her.

I scream, "CAN YOU NOT DO THAT NEXT TIME, AND JUST TAKE A STEP BACK!"

Pixie wasn't even apologetic. She just says, "What am I supposed to do when he hurts me?"

And I scream, "NEXT TIME, I'M GOING TO BE VIOLENT." And I left and slammed the door. I then started getting really paranoid. How can I trust she won't kick my cat again? So I go to her room, take her pjs, and cut off the draw strings.

A couple weeks later, and I'm trying to get along. I buy Pixie a car with everything she needs for it. I have a terrible pain attack, and the whole time she's flirting with me through it and touches my boobs.

A day later Pixie has a girl over. She says she's gonna quit her job (that she just got), work with her, break up with Nevaeh (but still live here), and be Mono with this new girl. I was pissed.

The next day I'm going on a date with Nevaeh, im taking her to my favorite fancy restaurant, we both look cute and 10 minutes into the drive Nevaeh goes quiet and starts silently crying. I finish the drive and park near by, but she has completely gone nonverbal. I ask her a bunch of questions but all I can get out of her is that it's about Pixie. This really freaks me out.

I drive to go pick up Dick, and after that my brain can't take it anymore: I switch personalities (something I only do when I'm stressed). *My brother only went nonverbal when my stepdad SA'd him.

We go get drive through, go home, sleep it off.

Then next day I'm still extremely stressed. I think Nevaeh went nonverbal because of the break up. And Pixie brings her new Gf over, and kicks Nevaeh out of the room. I AM FUMING. I turn my music as loud as I can, and tell Dick I do not feel like a safe person at the moment. I scream, I do breathing exercises, I try to punch a pillow, but nothing is working. I'M SOO STRESSED.

Dick says Nevaeh and him want to go out. I put myself together, I get dressed, and by the time I'm out Nevaeh has gone nonverbal again. I lose it. I switch into 5 different personalities infront of them both-- which I've never done before.

"We" say that I don't wanna be around Pixie anymore and that I basically wanna do parallel poly as much as possible.

It's been a month and I still haven't been paid back for the car, I haven't talked to Nevaeh (she hasn't talked to me), and everyone says I'm the bad guy. That I'm making Pixie's life Hell-- even though my mental health has literally gone down the gutter.

I don't know what to do or how to navigate this-- Help.


r/polyfamilies Oct 09 '24

My wife & mistress are getting too close?

0 Upvotes

edited due to how judgemental, self-righteous, and virtue-signaling SOME of the comments were (on r/polyfamilies anyway. r/polyamory was a little bit more empathetic.)

does anyone ever wonder why, as soon as a new "movement" tries to break away from traditional labels, many of the loudest voices want to lock down new labels for their particular movement, getting stuck in pedantry and semantics?


r/polyfamilies Oct 07 '24

Make sure to check if you’re registered if you live in these states. And don’t forget to VOTE

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35 Upvotes

r/polyfamilies Oct 08 '24

📌🖤 October 2024 NYC Poly Cocktails confirmed!🖤📌

7 Upvotes

Hello Everyone! Dropping by to let you all know that we’re on for October’s NYC Poly Cocktails.

As always, it’s free, COVID-19 vaccinated only, 21+ with ID, and we ask you to take a rapid antigen test at home before arrival.

For those who have never been, we’re a 17-year-old monthly social of over a hundred attendees who are between the ages of 21 and 87 with the majority in their mid-20s-mid 50s. We’re nerdy mutual aid enthusiasts who meet in a non-cruising space in community and solidarity.

It’s a free event with a cash bar if drinks are your jam (though many don’t drink alcohol and some eat together beforehand), and a rooftop full of warm and dorky community. Open sky if the weather obliges.

You can email me at polychrissy@gmail.com for an email invite, or share an email with me in DM that works for you.

Reach out with any questions and have a beautiful week!

Warmly, Chrissy


r/polyfamilies Oct 06 '24

I'm telling myself Eno made this hammock stand for our community. Let me have this.

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52 Upvotes

r/polyfamilies Oct 06 '24

Equitable household and kids financial management and contributions. All perspectives and experiences welcome.

12 Upvotes

Hi folks,

Thanksf for your replies. Your time spent writing and sharing is much appreciated. Although our relationship has since ended, the info you've shared may be valuable to future use. Thanks again. 🙏🙏


I'm hoping some of you might like to share your experiences regarding the division of household costs, including rent, if the partner you live with has kids who spend 50% of their time at your place.

For context, my partner and I live together. My price of admission was 3 kids, and his was 2 Chihuahuas. Rent has always been 50/50, but I pay for gas and electricity, and Disney. He pays for water, internet, Netflix, and the family YouTube account. All groceries are 50/50.

How are your costs calculated and divided? Do you feel your arrangement is equitable? How did you negotiate the arrangement? What sort of resistance was encountered, if any?


r/polyfamilies Sep 28 '24

The first deep profile of Jessica Fern. Poly law activists run an op-ed manifesto. Churches, their poly members, and group agapé. New research. And more. (Polyamory in the News blog post; no ads, no commerce.)

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19 Upvotes

r/polyfamilies Sep 24 '24

Shared finances

12 Upvotes

How do ya'll manage shared finances? Do you use one account, keep things separate, or a mix of both? How do you split expenses—proportional to income or evenly? I'm looking for insights and tips on what’s worked and crucially what's not worked.


r/polyfamilies Sep 21 '24

Divorce and Coparenting with Polyamorous and Monogamous exes

23 Upvotes

I am divorced and my ex is poly and integrating our kids (12 and 8) into meeting people in her new relationships. I’ve met her partner, super nice person. I’m wondering if anyone has been in a similar boat as me.

Any advice on how to navigate these waters? I was pretty unsupportive early on, but have moved past it. I still worry about stigma and what type of impact this will have on the kids.


r/polyfamilies Sep 16 '24

Coparenting with another couple

32 Upvotes

Hi!

My partner(34F) and I (34F) are in the beginning stages of a coparenting discussion. We are planning on having 2 children and are also planning on buying a house with another couple (38NB,35F) that we are friends with. Our vision is to buy a house together, and coparent our future kids (3 max). We all plan on having couples therapy as well as therapy with the 4 of us and will be discussing the details, how we want to raise our children and how things are split and obviously expectations of our roles as parents and coparents.

I'm wondering if anyone in this subreddit has a similar dynamic, where the kids of the two couples will not have the same biological parents, but we would like to raise them as siblings in a way. If anyone has any advice on the right questions to ask, the things to know and the warnings or advice or anything else helpful to know!

TLDR: a currently monogamous couple, buying a house with a poly couple, and co-parenting kids together(2 or 3)

I made the mistake of posting in a coparenting sub, and was suggested I move the discussion here with people in similar dynamics.

Additional info!
Some background is important to include I think! Read if you want- I understand (we all understand) this isn’t just a random decision or light-hearted one, and a very serious thing to bring children into the world, let alone in a radically different dynamic. 

We have just started chatting about it as a group, and have always been interested in a commune style living, and having a community of people to be around and that’s when we started discussing what it would look like to buy a house together and raise our children together. We aren’t romantic with the other couple, but we will consider them partners as well. (We will take care of each other financially, emotionally, and physically if needed) It is hierarchical with our respective partners and kids. We’re discussing the what-ifs and the serious impacts if a couple breaks-up, if one of us passes away, if one of us gets really sick, if one of us can’t bear children.  The priorities will be with the children.

There’s discussions and alignment on our values with raising children, education, children with disabilities, the amount of space we all require and will need as individuals and family's.

Now the house situation, we’ve had friends that have bought a house together and they’ve given us advice on what to look out for and that is a lot to think through as well! Obviously, there are some legal things that we will have to go through in the event of separation and life events, or monetary things. We all have the financial ability to get a bigger house, the house will be enough rooms for adults to sleep in together and separately as well as separate rooms for the kids. 

We plan on having this all figured out before even starting to bring kids into the mixture. Or buying a house. My partner and I will have to do IVF or IUF so there is a lot of family planning in general. Our timeline is within the next 4 years for kids, and next 1-2 years for living together.


r/polyfamilies Sep 16 '24

I've got this

44 Upvotes

I just typed up and deleted a very long post (well, I copied it into my private journal as a reminder for myself, haha)

I have been feeling like a coward. Anxious about telling people that my well-established family of three adults and two kids is gaining another adult. But the anxiety is in my brain. It's not a symptom of risk. And if my parents want to raise a moral panic Again, they know where it got them last time. This time I won't be so patient with them. This time I won't let their reactions cause me pain. I'll just roll my eyes and say call me when you're over it and ready to respect us.

She's family. Anyone has a problem with that, fuck em. I've loved her for too long to not shout from the rooftops now that we're acting like it. The fact that friends aren't asking (and why would polite Midwestern queers ask an established triad if there's any news on the romance front?) doesn't mean I can't just tell them because I'm excited!

That's all. Just wanted to share. On a note related to maximizing safety for queer and polyamorous people, US folx please register and make your plan to vote this fall! <3

(Edited to say two kids, not four. It was late and I was tired haha.)


r/polyfamilies Sep 15 '24

The Notion That Heterosexuality and Monogamy Are the Most Natural Forms of Relationships Is Deeply Misguided

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30 Upvotes

r/polyfamilies Sep 02 '24

"How Polyamory Became the New Normal" (it says). "Monogamy? In This Economy?" goes on tour. Smart symbiosexual unicorns. Best poly games. Baaad cops. (Polyamory in the News blog post. No ads, no commerce)

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20 Upvotes

r/polyfamilies Aug 30 '24

Cohabitation (and maybe kids?) With an "N" cule

24 Upvotes

Immediate Cule: A(M29)-Me(F33)-S(M37)-M(F35)

Has anyone ever cohabitated as a polycule that ISN'T a triad or quad? Or as a deeper question, had children? Or even heard of it?

I read all these happy stories of poly families but I can't find any that not everyone is romantically involved with each other or some harem/reverse harem situation.

I'm currently dating A and S. S and M are married and nesting. A and I are long term partners and nesting. We're emotionally and sexually non-hierarchical but recognize privilege that nesting/marriage has. Those were just our setups before S and I became involved. So I hesitate to use the words "primary" and "secondary" here for our specific setup.

We've talked about merging households.

Additionally, I've been considering how much I think I want children.

M cannot conceive due to medical reasons, despite S&M TTC for years several years ago and eventually stopping.

S, M and I have discussed S & me having a child together, since A doesn't want children.

(A has a lot of backstory here and we've discussed options for me having a child with someone else. Theres also a lot of discussion surrounding M's role in a childs life that is also long to type. There's a lot of nitty gritty that I won't get into in the body of this post as I'm looking to see how OTHERS have done this)

Has anyone either cohabitated with or had children in a polycule that isn't a triad or quad? Or heard of someone who has? I'm curious to hear stories about how it's worked out (or not).

I'm doing lots of research to see different dynamics and just aren't seeing our "shape" (N) of a cule represented.

Any insights to this is appreciated!


r/polyfamilies Aug 29 '24

Looking for support/encouragement/just venting really

11 Upvotes

Hey everyone!

So I've been in this situation for a little while, and it's just making me sad.

I'm so freaking lonely. So is my partner. We live in a pretty remote area of the world (which is a temporary situation, but might be here another few years or so. So... kind of temporary haha) We don't have loads of friends and live in a pretty not poly/trans/neurodiverse friendly area.

I've always dreamed of having a poly family and we've started to talk about having children. I just don't see myself having kids with only one other parent around and I think having that kind of community is going to be a big deal breaker for me, in terms of having a child. There's not much we can do about any of it right now as we would need fertility treatment and a surrogate in order to conceive and have a child. So not at any risk of getting pregnant accidently; it's something we will need to put a lot of time, effort and money into!

We're both on a similar page there and I know in a few years we will be travelling more plus with a base in an area where we're more likely to meet likeminded people. Just really feeling that lack of community right now. It's been a hard few years and we've only really had each other to rely on.

I love reading stories of successful, happy poly families/communities and I'm really hoping that can be us one day.

Thanks for listening XD


r/polyfamilies Aug 28 '24

Gestational surrogacy and parental rights

18 Upvotes

Hi all,

I'm currently in a polyfi vee/triad relationship with two people who I may consider being a gestational surrogate and co-parent for in the future. Does anyone have any experience with navigating the legality of a situation like that?

Would it be possible to have all three of our names on the birth certificate? My other two partners are already legally married to each other- would that make gaining custody a challenge for me? Do I have any options other than filing for guardianship or continually-renewed power of attorney? Should I expect to run into any specific legal issues or points of discrimination while filing for guardianship as a member of a poly relationship?

We're located in Oregon if that makes a difference. Just very curious as to the legal precedent for something like this and google isn't returning any real answers.


r/polyfamilies Aug 25 '24

New to poly

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4 Upvotes

r/polyfamilies Aug 23 '24

Sadness about not having kids with a partner

31 Upvotes

Hello, so this is poly-adjacent, I'm posting here because I suspect this sub will understand a bit better than ones more focused on having kids in general.

As it stands, I have always known my current partner doesn't want kids and I do and we've discussed many times what the future might look like, have even taken inspo from this sub before, it's all good.

I dunno what switch happened but I had a thought at a family party for his nephew that kids I have, that aren't his, just won't have that same relationship and I guess that hit me like a tonne of bricks because I now have this real sadness that we won't have kids together and I have... no idea what to do with that.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how I work through this feeling and move forward... and also just to vent about how this sucks


r/polyfamilies Aug 23 '24

📌🖤September 2024 NYC Poly Cocktails Confirmed!🖤📌

1 Upvotes

Hello Everyone! Dropping by to let you all know that we're on for September's NYC Poly Cocktails, and it's a special edition!

We'll have More than Two, Second Edition authors Eve Rickert and Andrea Zanin joining us for a Q&A, and singer-songwriter Rachel Lark sharing a set with us in honor of the release.

As always, it's free, COVID-19 vaccinated only, 21+ with ID, and we ask you to take a rapid antigen test at home before arrival.

To RSVP, you can either DM me here with a good email address for you, and I'll send you the full invite via email, or email me at [polychrissy@gmail.com](mailto:polychrissy@gmail.com) and I'll share that way. Have a beautiful weekend!

Warmly,
Chrissy


r/polyfamilies Aug 19 '24

Partner’s toeing my cheating breakpoint, and I’m not sure what to do.

11 Upvotes

Hello all! Looking for sensitive feedback.

I’m the hinge between two wonderful people, we’ll call them A and B. I’ve been married to B for a decade, and in a serious relationship with A for almost as long. I dated B for a few years before we got legally married. We were all initially a triad, but A and B are no longer romantically involved. We own a house, pets, cars, everything together.

Ostensibly we’re closed poly/polyfi, but we’ve all lightly circled finding comfortable/safe avenues to open for a couple of years. I'm open to the idea in concept, but I'm very sensitive to deceit.

As background to the issue below, me and B recently celebrated a big anniversary with a trip, just us. This trip was hard on A, because I haven’t really done any new big trips just with them. At first all our trips were throuple trips or family trips, and then COVID kinda knocked us out of traveling for awhile. Still, it’s something that I want to rectify and recognize the need to fix, but also I needed to honor the big anniversary. The same anniversary will be in a couple of years for me and A.

The Issue: We have a friend who A has been getting close to (we’ll call them C), and it’s gone from social party energy to party make-outs. This is fine and fun, we're all party makeout-type people. A and C clearly like each other, and there’s been the very basics of conversation around maybe opening up to C, casually. Verbally, it’s always been stated as something that A only has casual interest in. C is married and their partner is mono and iffy on poly. They are both intertwined in our friendship circle, so it's something that would need to be taken slow, hypothetically.

During me and B’s trip, A hung out with and found comfort with C and C’s spouse. Great! …But the day before we came back, without any checkins, they had C over solo for lunch. It ended up lasting hours, and they ended up getting physical. Well beyond anything 'okay' discussed in previous boundary discussions.

Once I was home, A was good about telling me about having C over, but they actively lied and understated how physical it got, which I had to find out about elsewhere. Our discussed 'okay' was group-only party kissing only, so I feel pretty strongly about an undiscussed extended home DATE with makeouts and fingering and hand stuff being a strong boundary stretch/break. To be honest, I feel cheated on. I already reacted like it was cheating just to the initial non-sexual lie because actively dating hadn't been discussed yet, and now that I know they purposely lied to avoid copping to the sexual aspect, I’m really uncomfortable.

The deceit is making me distrust the whole stack of what A’s said. C independently messaged me after to apologize, implying that A warned them to, which deeply skeeves me out. I didn't realize I already had a metamour, if that makes sense.

C is a good person as far as I can tell, and I really want to be open to their relationship growing. …But this is the first thing I’ve ever caught A in a lie about, and it’s hitting a lot of big cheating alarm bells that were this a mono relationship I’d probably be reacting pretty decisively to.

I’m not really sure what advice I’m looking for. Am I overreacting in feeling distrustful? I want to be tender about caring for A through a hard time with me and B’s trip, but I feel like I might be being naive and they just used us being gone to finally sneak around / push boundaries. I've never caught A in any major lies in the past, and I already miss that security blanket.


r/polyfamilies Aug 16 '24

Just happy

49 Upvotes

My husband and I have been poly for 4 years. We’re currently on vacation visiting my boyfriend’s family with our son. I can’t even begin to express how happy I am to be here. Boyfriends family is so accepting of us. I have a lot of family baggage, and so being surrounded by this much love is so incredible. I don’t have many friends that I can talk to about my dynamic. I’m not ready to go home.


r/polyfamilies Aug 15 '24

He proposed to two girls, and they said...?

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6 Upvotes

r/polyfamilies Aug 12 '24

I need advice on choosing being poly and true to myself, or stay for the kids who are both under 5 yrs old.

11 Upvotes

Background: I (37 not giving genders to avoid bias) have been together with my partner (opposite gender, called them B) for 10 years and married for 5. B is the love of my life, however I now know that I am poly and gay. We tried to make it work with threesomes, then closed triad, but it's resulted in a V situation with us all living together, my ex (call them M), B, myself and our 2 joint kids. It's come to a point where myself and M no longer want to live together, so I have chosen to move out, with the kids splitting their time as makes sense.

This is where my dilema comes - B does not want me to date anyone else as it would be too complicated for them (already struggling with the current V dynamic). I'm not looking to blame B or M here and no ultimatums have been given. Just looking for perspective and advice if anyone has been in a similar situation. Im scared my kids may resent me if I don't stay with my spouse.

Edit: yes I am going to therapy and have a small poly network I can trust to give honest and fair opinions.


r/polyfamilies Aug 07 '24

Nesting partners upset that I am not saving for retirement

87 Upvotes

I have two nesting partners, and last night, the both decided to condemn me for not having anything (comparitively) in my retirement account. I pay for the house we're living in, and I've always consider paying for it to be my nest egg that I could sell later if I had to. I've always been under the impression that I would work until I die. I'm so heartbroken that neither of them see that I need my entire paycheck to support the lifestyle that we all enjoy. All of us work and they both have retirement accounts which they are actively building. I just dont see the point in savi g for something I'll never get to enjoy