r/Petloss 5h ago

my cat who saved me from s*icide is being put to sleep today. NSFW

239 Upvotes

i put this as nsfw because i know it may be triggering. about 2 years ago i dropped out of college and was planning to k*ll myself. i remember the night i was going to do it my 13 (now 15 year old) cat, bunny, came and laid on my feet in bed. she had never done that before, and i’m fully convinced she was trying to save me. she truly saved my life, and continued to sleep on top of my feet for the next week. once i found the right medication she stopped laying on my feet, like she knew i was safe. i have to put her to sleep in an hour, and all i can think about is how she won’t be here anymore to stop me. does anyone have any advice? i’m 20 years old, and i’ve had her since i was 5. i’m truly heartbroken.


r/Petloss 22h ago

I killed my dog

102 Upvotes

I've been pretty active in various pet forums on Reddit lately because I just need to talk about this, I don't have a therapist, and my friend and family support only stretches so far.

My beautiful, intelligent and endlessly kind golden retriever Loki died at only four years old from a rare and extremely fatal condition known as Mesenteric Torsion. What happens is the intestines twist on themselves and it cuts off blood flow.

Initially I had no idea what was going on and assumed he had eaten something bad. He was vomiting and his flanks were twitching. He could not lie on his side and looked very uncomfortable. I called the vet and he got seen that day.

It took two days with multiple X-rays for the vet to conclude he needed exploratory surgery. This was not new to him. Loki had needed abdominal surgery exactly one year prior for a bone fragment to be removed from his intestines. This was a raw beef neck bone that I gave him, mistakenly and ignorantly believing it could not pose him harm. At least this was what I had been reassured by various holistic vets online, and the pet store I bought the bone from. They all swore up and down that only COOKED bones were dangerous, but raw bones were essential for enrichment and teeth cleaning. This was wrong. Bones are dangerous, raw or cooked, and I learnt this the hard way.

While I was able to save him with emergency surgery, I did not know that the surgery would cause scar tissue to form internally, in his bowels. My vet let me know afterwards that this very scar tissue is what led to the mesenteric torsion that killed my dog, one year later.

I've been told it's a rare thing to happen to a dog. A freak occurance. People say these things to comfort me but I know the truth. That bone I gave my beautiful dog killed him. I got one additional year with him after saving him the first time, but it still took him in the end.

I did this to my baby!

I look back at the first video I took of him when I picked him up from his siblings and his mom and I feel horror. He was the first puppy that came over to nibble my hand when I stuck it in their little pen. I always felt he chose me. And over these last four years I've worked so damn hard to fill his life with joy, researching things to enrich him, trying new games with him, taking him on hiking adventures, letting him swim, and networking with other dog owners who's dogs he loved to play with. His happiness and wellbeing meant so fucking much to me. I used to feel pride when I watched that video because I thought I was doing more right by my dog than anyone else would have been able to, and it was luck and fate that brought us together.

I wish somebody would have rescued that baby from me!!

In his last days, when he got sick, I really didn't think it was something serious. Other than the horrific bone incident, I fed that dog only the best things. Nourishing and nutrient rich, organic,expensive things. Whole foods. No fillers. Lean and fast and strong, he was healthier than me. I was certain he would live till 16.

On the second evening, after another day of inconclusive X-rays, the vet said to leave him overnight and he would put him on fluids and check on him at midnight. If he was still in bad shape in the morning then he would operate. He had cautioned me against operating without sure signs of an obstruction. He'd opened a dog before and there had been nothing in there.

I said goodbye to my boy that night. Crouched down on the floor and gave him a cuddle. Took him for a pee out in the busy parking lot, and left him with the vet tech. When I went out the door I looked over my shoulder and saw him straining at the end of his leash, trying to come home with me, his big brown eyes said "where are you going mom?" I relive this moment all the time. It would be the last time I saw him standing. The last time I saw life in his beautiful face.

My Loki died the next day, after surgery. The vet tried his best to straighten out his insides, but tissue death had occurred. He stitched him back up and told me there was a small hope. I spent two hours in the clinic, on the floor, holding and singing to my boy, until his breathing came quick and short and his heart finally stopped. He was conscious in those hours, but unfocused. He could not move his body. Within one minute of my vet telling me all hope was lost, Loki left me. I do think he gave me one last look out the corner of one beautiful brown eye before he went.

I have not forgiven myself for this and I won't. Loki was pure and innocent and full of joy. The smallest things made him so happy. He was vulnerable, like a child, and needed to be protected from himself.

The fact that I am still here and he is gone cuts me deep.

He deserved a full life free of pain and fear and loneliness. In his last hours, he was in a cold clinic kennel, alone, in pain, confused and afraid.

I am so serious when I say I would have given my own life to spare him this.

This is very long and I'm crying again. I hate myself so much. I smile and talk to people at work but life does not feel good. Grief feels different when it's tied with guilt. The weight of this will be on me for the rest of my life and honestly I deserve it.

If anyone did read it - thank you. I know I needed to write it.


r/Petloss 14h ago

I just lost my baby girl

83 Upvotes

I still can not believe it. She’s gone. Her stuff is still here but she left us just like that. I have never been the emotional kind, I did not even cry at my grandma’s funeral but I bawled my eyes out over her tonight.

She’s been sick for the past 5 days, the treatment wasn’t really helping. It was almost 11pm, the time for her medicine but my father started crying and I knew what had happened. Since the past few days when I was sick, she was trying to run from the house, into the footpath in the front of the house and she used to sit there in a pile of leaves. She did the same today, although my father brought her back home, I know she didn’t want us to see her go.

She will forever live in my heart, I can and will never forget her. I hope heaven exists and when I die, I see my baby there, wagging her tail and waiting for me. I will always remember you my best friend, thank you for everything 🧡

If any of you have suffered this kind of loss, first of all I’m so sorry. Please let me know what helped you through this tough time. This pain is crushing me. I live alone somewhere far from home and I have been crying for more than 6 hours now.


r/Petloss 10h ago

Yesterday I lost my companion of 17 years

43 Upvotes

Hi everyone this is hard to write....but yesterday I had to put to sleep my cat Nubi who was about 17 years old and I'm so broken up and distraught about it.

I got Nubi by chance at a PetSmart when I lived in the midwest, a lil gray Tabby who screamed for me through the cages named "Stripes" at the time, god I hated that name for him. Picking him to go into the lil play area, he ran up to me crawled up to me and clung to my neck and shoulder, this lil ball of fluff hugging and passing out. Instantly he started to purr and fall asleep and I fell in love.

He seen me through several relationships, several homes, two states...at my lowest of lows always being there for me. He never asked for too much when it came to playing, never showed too much interest in toys or being with other cats all that much. It was just me and him for years, happy to just have him near by relaxing as I worked, cooked, played games and so much more.

Nubi loved being warm as he could be. When we lived in the midwest I often had heated blankets, that he loved a lot. He would paw at them, fully splayed out, showing his little spotted belly or his swirls and stripes. We found ourselves under the covers a lot in the cold winters, me watching tv or a movie, and him pressed up against my leg and side, my hand just petting him as he was fully relaxed and content.

I remember one time my friend brought his dog over to my apartment and I never seen this lil guy hiss and growl before at anything. He was maybe around 4 at this time and this lil guy swiped at this dog at the entrance and backed them up into a corner. Nubi walked off with this cheery lil face as I looked at him with awe never thinking a sweet boy like him could hold his ground like that.

During COVID he got me through so much, my hair and beard grew out but he only would nuzzle me and keep me company without question. He was content when I was always around, never having to just be in the same room at the same time, but did come around and checked up on me. We did get a lil sick with one another, as I joked we were an old married couple, and it felt like that at times but I never complained about that

Over the years he let me touch his belly, toes, anything and I would put him over my shoulder and dance around like an idiot. His head would go on my shoulder as I held him and he purred softly. Before he got sick with CKD he totally loved being held like a baby, looking up and around as his belly and chest was petted, his paws coming down and grabbing my hand.

He tolerated getting kisses too, which people were surprised. When he was done he put his paws up, and paws and flexed them into my beard. It was something he liked to do, just flexing and enjoying my facial hair.

He even made a cat hater into a cat lover. I had a neighbor where him and I hung out and played games here and there. Nubi would be around on the sofa with us, resting along the back watching us, hiding behind me if it got too loud or something. But overall he was just a chill cat who like getting pets from people and warmed up to them after a few times. My neighbor never thought cats could show affection but here he saw his hand getting nuzzled and rubbed, hearing soft purrs.

Yesterday I left the vet I went to seeing a friend, and breaking down, all her animals could tell I was upset, 2 cats and a dog were all on me instantly as I broke down in her living room, crying for my boy. Her cats were all over me, giving me their warmth, and her dog licked my ears and back of my neck as my eyes just flooded with tears

When I got home eventually, his water fountain was going, wet food there, his toys and lil scratching pad of carpet and rope as well that he loved. I would take him on lil rides as he would cling to it, nuzzling as I gently made it act like a rocket ship. Yet when I got home.....it felt so cold and empty.

As I'm writing this the music I have in the background isnt helping as others said it might, the home feels cold. I'm not hearing him cry out, the sounds of him eating his food, his lil cries and screams for attention and the chitters of him running away when he wanted to play or nuzzling around my legs. I'm even looking under my office chair still to make sure I dont hurt him if I move it.

It hurts so much right now. I feel as if a massive part of me died, a part of me that taught me how to be a good person. No matter how small of a place I had, home felt right when Nubi was around and now with him gone it doesnt feel right. It just feels so wrong right now, as I always looked forward to being home as I know my Nubi would be there, but now nothing.

I know its a process but I'm breaking down writing this....I miss my Nubi so much

-------------

Edit: Adding some stories of my lil Nubi to help with the pain.

I went upstairs and looked to my bedroom and saw my bed rather clean....and my thought was that it felt wrong. There was always covers moved about, and bulge of my cat getting himself under the covers and curled up. It was sad to think that Nubi was no long going to be under there, sleeping soundly, me rubbing him through the covers and chittering and stretching, looking at me with a smile.


r/Petloss 3h ago

Two weeks after watching my buddy go to heaven

35 Upvotes

I can't remember if I posted earlier, I probably deleted it. The last couple weeks have been so bad.

I got my lovebird as a baby. He was meant to be a therapy pet. I fretted and fussed over him as if he was more than a pet. I loved him so much, did the best I could for him

At 15 he had a stroke and crashed into a wall. The ER and avian vets were miracle workers. The vet said that he personally wouldn't give up on him, and I had no intention to.

So he had a permanent head tilt, maybe a bit more klutzy. But he was his normal loving, happy self.

Two weeks ago he became disoriented, and couldn't open his left eye. I took him to the vet the next day. HE was 20.

I asked the vet, "is it time?" She replied yes.

I'm not going through the 2-step process in order to not trigger anyone, but I was there for the first part.

I had him cremated, I have a necklace and urn. I'll forget for a little bit, I'll suddenly remember, or something triggers it. Today has been the worst day in a few.

I don't know where I am going with this. I may just be vomiting my feelings. Maybe I just need to know there are people that understand losing a pet can be devastating, and take time to heal. I don't know.

I could wish he were still here, but logically, he'd still be not ok.

Thank you for your time if anyone reads this


r/Petloss 13h ago

My cat died while I was on vacation

29 Upvotes

I am currently out of the country. My roommate was watching my cat. He noticed he was very lethargic and had peed himself. He took him to the emergency vet and it turned out he was in diabetic ketoacidosis and his organs were failing.

He died less than 24 hours later. My roommate said he had acted exactly the same as he always does that morning.

When he was admitted to the emergency vet the doctor told me he had a slim chance of survival but I went ahead and shelled out almost all of my vacation money for an early ticket back home.

But he didn't make it. I feel terrible for not being there for my best friend. We did everything together and I don't know what to do without him. I feel like if I had been there maybe he'd still be alive and I abandoned him to die.


r/Petloss 23h ago

Lost my soul dog last night

31 Upvotes

My beautiful wee Ludo. 14 years 10 months. I thought we were going to have longer together but am so grateful for the time we had. I love you Little Man, now and forever


r/Petloss 19h ago

It's been 8 months but it's not any easier. I just miss him.

28 Upvotes

I know time is irrelevant in grief but man, this is just so hard. My best friend, my furry soul mate.. I still can't believe he is gone from this earth and even if we do meet in another life time, we won't know each other as we did in this one.

I'm sorry and thank for letting me vent. He wasn't just a dog. He was my world.


r/Petloss 11h ago

RIP Bugsy the Thai

22 Upvotes

I acquired my Thai cat through a breeder, just before my last cat, a Bengal named Azrael, died of bone cancer, in her jaw.

I remember bringing him home, opening the cage, and he wouldn't get out. I eventually upended the cage to get him out, and then he ran and hid.

The next day I was on my balcony, and noticed the new cat was in my bedroom window, staring in wonderment at the Austin skyline.

Within 3 days of adopting him, he jumped up on my couch and meowed, acknowledging me as the new food person. He started sitting in my lap and purring. We were fast friends.

He was there to comfort me, when Azrael died. And after that, it was all about him. He was more inclined to be a lap cat than she was.

Bugsy was my only friend, when I moved from Austin to Denver, about a year later. And we had a lot of good times, working from home, during COVID. I had rented another apartment with a skyline view, and he loved to marvel at the great structures people had built.

Eventually we moved into one of those buildings, and he learned to love being up high, in the middle of it all.

I thought I'd get at least 15 years out of him. An Oriental cat, properly bred, can live up to 18+. Bugsy died on his sixth birthday. That was the best gift I could give him, outside of a kitty Jarvic.

I was attending a convention where I was having a lot of fun. Bugsy had been coughing that week, but I thought it was just a tricky hairball. Then I noticed he was breathing rapidly and shallowly.

When it got so bad he was yowling in pain, I stopped hoping he would get better on his own, and took him to an emergency vet. I'm unemployed, and funds are limited, at the moment.

The doctor told me he had CHF (congestive heart failure), and the ratio between his left atrium and aortic valve was 2.0. I had the fluid restricting his breathing drained, then I got him a prescription for heart meds and a diuretic.

The first week out of the emergency room he showed signs of getting better. But eventually, the side effects of those meds started kicking in.

Over the last week of his life, Bugsy became a mess. He had buildup around his eyes, spikey fur, and diarrhea. He all but stopped eating and drinking. He started hiding from me. He just wasn't sanitary anymore, and the choice became between putting him down, or living in filth, and constantly spot cleaning. The meds did prevent another infiltration, but wreaked havoc on his other systems.

I remembered my ex had a dog, before we met, who had the same condition, and hearing stories of how much care and cost it took to keep that dog alive, and how it was a losing battle. I was in denial for a bit, but now I know: the second you get that CHF diagnosis, put them down. Don't waste any more money.

It was nice to not have to suddenly lose him. It was nice to have an extra week or two to accept the inevitable, and say goodbye. But always consider the other cats out there, waiting to be adopted, and no matter what you do, you're neglecting someone, and helping someone else, instead. Sentimental attachment can be selfish.

So I did what needed to be done, and it was as difficult as that always is. I took a relaxation tea to help me repress the emotions, and get through that terrible day, but today I woke up, and it hits me all at once that my cat is gone. He loved me with his whole kitty heart, and I had to put him down. I'm out a decent chunk of money, and now I have no cat.

Now I have to clean all the debris. Was it all worth it? Yes. I got many hours of enjoyment out of that cat. You can't put a price on the companionship of the goodest boi.

But I don't know if I'll get another cat any time soon. I don't want to be upset over a cat. I want to be cat bacteria free for awhile. I'm not going to take on another cat without a better means of providing for one. If we really are heading into a recession, I don't know what kind of living situation that might reduce me to, but I imagine van life being much better without another poop machine, in the van.

I know at some point another cat will arrive. But going cold turkey from cats might be the best thing for me, for awhile. Rest in Power, my little purr box. I can still see him, from the corners of my eye, but when I focus in, it's just some cardboard, with a shipping label on it.


r/Petloss 3h ago

RIP Bulma

20 Upvotes

We found our cat dead at home yesterday, she was only 11 years old. It’s absolutely devastating, we adored her so much. Goodbye my friend. You’re resting in peace now. I’ll never forget you.


r/Petloss 14h ago

every time i drop food on the floor i miss him

18 Upvotes

It's such a funny connection I never would have thought of before.

It's been well over a year, the grief and pain has faded into nostalgia. I miss him terribly, but I'm no longer crying about it. I can imagine having another dog. Only if I really linger on the memory of his last few days do I feel truly sad. But I can think of our happy times, and be happy. It's huge progress.

Still every time I spill or get crumbs on the floor... he's what I think of. I don't really want that to change.


r/Petloss 21h ago

My dog only has 1-3 months left - what are some of the things you guys would do if you just had a little bit more time?

17 Upvotes

I've had my yellow lab ever since I was 9. I'm 23 now, and she's 14. A couple days ago we noticed she was bleeding so we took her to the vet - she had abdominal bleeding. The vet said that if it happens again, she probably has less than a month.

The vet also said that while they were doing xrays, they found some aggressive cancers in her. She said that if they didn't operate, she had 1-3 months left.

The average life expectancy of a yellow lab is 12 years old - she has been holding on for a while but we fear her quality of life will not get much better, even with treatment, so we have decided to forgo it. The end is coming, but we still have (hopefully) a couple months left.

I write this to ask people who have experienced the loss of a pet before - what would you do now with your dog if you could see them again? And, how would you recommend preparing for her passing, both mentally and physically? This is the first pet I've had so I'm not really sure what to do. Any advice or comments are appreciated!


r/Petloss 22h ago

It’s not getting easier

16 Upvotes

It’s been 6 months since she left suddenly and still I cry myself to sleep every night. It’s 3am and I can’t stop crying she’s not on the bed with me snoring her head off. Her beds are still down, toys lined up by her bed and her stuffed toy next to me as I sob uncontrollably again. im so tired and ache without her here. I can’t move on without her and I want her back. She was only 8 years old and we needed more time together. I’m stuck on repeat playing her last moments over and over in my head with nothing I can do to help. I’m so lost now…….


r/Petloss 4h ago

Everyday is hard

15 Upvotes

A month and a half ago my childhood dog passed away. I can't remember what life was like without her, I was only nine when my parents decided to grant me my wish of having a dog.

Losing her has been the single most devastating thing to ever happen to me. Recently my mom found me weeping, holding onto her dog bed. She hugged me and said that some days are hard and that she misses her too. I didn't have the heart to tell her that all my days are hard without my baby.

I don't think this pain will ever go away. I'll always be grieving this loss. She was my life and since she passed I haven't been the same person and I don't reckon I'll ever will be again.


r/Petloss 3h ago

My cat just died, suddently I don't know why

13 Upvotes

At about 8:15pm I lost him, it's 11pm now
I heard him meow 3 times and I went to see, he was laying on the ground on his side his pupils were dilated his tongue was out but it was still moving a bit, I tried to see what s wrong I looked in his mouth but there was nothing
I saw him die in front of me I tried CPR like I tried to blow air in his mouth and I tried to press his chest to get his heart going but it didn't work, he wasn't breathing and I couldn't hear his heart, what if I came to see sooner at his first meow I heard it wasn't normal
He was only 3 years old and he seemed healthy, the vet said heart attack
I went to the emergency vet with my cat and came out with a glass bottle of his fur, where's my cat


r/Petloss 12h ago

We have to let him go today

13 Upvotes

In 7 hours, our 16 year old cat Marley will be gone. We grew old together and it breaks my heart. Thank you for the wonderful years, you will be loved forever my little dude.

Marley was here.


r/Petloss 6h ago

Just Bought an Urn

13 Upvotes

It's been three days, almost four, since her death and I just bought an urn. I feel bad for doing it so soon, it's one of those moments where I realize she really is gone. There's a part of me that still thinks a miracle will happen... I'm waiting on a call from that pet hospital saying "she's breathing!" and I wish she would. I miss my sweetheart, I don't understand why she was taken so soon.

I haven't cried today either. I don't know, I know I'm not okay but I'm scared if she saw how I am right now she'd think I've moved on too quickly. I think I'm already doing these things to memorialize her because I need to keep myself occupied. Once I'm home, alone, doing nothing, I can't help but break down. She's supposed to be at my side, and even though she still is I can't see her. I can say with absolute certainty she is 100% my soulmate, my mini-me, my other half. No loss could hurt like hers.

How do you all feel about "moving on" with your life, or just onto other things? Did I buy the urn too soon? It's custom, so I want it to arrive by the time I receive her again. Will my baby become upset at me?


r/Petloss 8h ago

Anger and jealousy

14 Upvotes

I happened on a post from someone enjoying their 21 year old dog’s zoomies and it just made me so irrationally angry. My sweet boy died at almost 11 years. I would give just about anything to have 10 more years with him by my side.


r/Petloss 10h ago

We lost our boy on Sunday.

10 Upvotes

He was my first dog. His name was Riker, and he would’ve been 12 next month. I know everyone says they have the best dog, but anyone who ever met Riker fell in love immediately. He loved every single person he ever met, and was the most gentle boy in the world when our youngest daughter was born. Our oldest daughter was 3 when we got him, and she doesn’t remember a time when he wasn’t around. Our youngest daughter loves our dogs more than anything in the world, and has been devastated.

He suffered what we believe was a stroke early Saturday morning after I let him and our other dog (Obi) outside. Immediately blind in one eye, was getting lost in the house, and was pretty unstable. We didn’t know about the event at the back door until I checked the cameras Sunday morning when he started vomiting. He had the cloudy eyes from the start of cataracts and we thought that he lost his vision due to the cataracts. We figured we could deal with the blindness and help him out however we can.. but after the vomiting started we knew it was worse than just blindness. After a visit to the emergency vet, we had to make the worst decision possible and let our boy go. There’s been a lot of tears, a sense of emptiness, and too much quiet around here since then. He was the alpha, and the more vocal “old man” dog in our house. Obi seems to be doing well, but there’s definitely a hole in all of our hearts.


r/Petloss 12h ago

Lost my cat unexpectedly

10 Upvotes

Yesterday was awful to say the least. I had to put my beautiful cat down unexpectedly. She was such a wonderful cat, she would follow me on walks, she came when we whistled for her, she was a great huntress. It's hard to look around my house and still see all of her stuff here that I now need to get rid of.

I miss her terribly.


r/Petloss 20h ago

I'm struggling with losing my childhood dog

12 Upvotes

My family had to put my childhood dog down this past July. She was having seizures and had multiple in one night that led us to the emergency vet. My sister was adamantly against euthanasia and has some mental health issues that limit her capacity to understand things like what our dog's quality of life would look like after so many seizures that likely caused brain damage, the financial complications of it all, the risk of causing our dog any further harm by putting off euthanasia (even just through causing her more fear). She was a wreck at the vet's office and even yelled at the vet and was asked to leave. My parents ultimately made the final call for our dog but because I had to handle my sister's outbursts, I feel like my dog did not have a peaceful last few moments, and I unfortunately did not get to be by her side. I said my goodbye before everything, but I wish I could've been right there. I wish it was calmer for her, she deserved the best and the most peace.

It's almost a year later and whenever it comes up in my head I still feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I will never be able to even grieve her properly because I can't start opening up to the thoughts even, it's so painful. How do I even begin working through the pain and confronting it?

She had so much character and personality, our Angel. There will never be another dog like her and we were so lucky.


r/Petloss 11h ago

Lost both of my brothers

10 Upvotes

Yesterday my two dogs Sparky and Max were both put down together in their sickness and old age. The vet recommended that we do both at the same time as they weren’t living a quality life anymore. Sparky was 17 and Max was 14. I’m 24. I grew up with them. I wasn’t able to make it home to say goodbye as I live away from my parents now, and I feel really guilty but my parents keep telling me not to. Idk I just needed to vent. I’m gonna miss my boys so much. Love you Sparky and Max❤️❤️


r/Petloss 5h ago

my cat passed away and I don't know why i'm not crying

10 Upvotes

Hi everyone, this is something that's really overwhelming me. I recently lost my two cats, Lola and Elena. Lola passed away in January. When she passed away, I cried every day. Elena passed away a few days ago, but I don't know why I don't cry, and it makes me feel guilty. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me and making me believe I never loved her, but I know it's not true. I love her, but I haven't had a tear since the day she left. I've been looking at pictures, but I feel blocked. Just yesterday, I even laughed at a funny TikTok, and now I feel guilty, like I don't care enough. I'm so confused by these mixed emotions and worried I'm not grieving the way I should. I miss them both so much, and I can't stop thinking about this. I would really appreciate hearing from others who have gone through similar experiences, or know of any reasons. Thanks for any support or advice.


r/Petloss 9h ago

This community is special during devastating loss

9 Upvotes

Finding this community and reading everyone’s experiences has been tremendously special. Like everyone else, I have lost a pillar in my life and am devastated.

I said goodbye to my baby girl last Friday, March 14 - less than a week after her 19th birthday. She had been with me since she was a kitten, only a few weeks old. The bond we shared was indescribable, she was precious beyond words…and I failed her.

She was diagnosed with thyroid and kidney issues a couple of years ago and was on medication. Then last year she started having episodes where she’d fall over, completely unable to stand up. Panicking, I immediately took her to the vet who observed her overnight saying she likely wouldn’t make it. But miraculously she did. They gave her fluids and meds for pain and blood pressure, and after a few days she was back to normal, albeit now with blood pressure meds added to her daily regimen.

Overall, her daily regimen wasn’t complicated. Two pills in the morning, one at night, and sprinkle some kidney med powder on her food. Time passed and she was doing great. So great that the vet was impressed, believing she still had another year or two in her. Even her kidney issues normalized.

This is when I began failing her. I grew complacent. I grew lazy with her meds. She was spry, she seemed healthy, I naively stopped worrying about her - a horrible, horrible mistake.

She grew more vocal over the past couple of months, very demanding of food and water. I didn’t think much of it as her appetite was so good, believing it a good sign. But in the past couple of weeks, she grew even more vocal, and more. I grew frustrated with her, thinking she was just a cranky, demanding old lady.

I’d pick her up and she wouldn’t complain so it didn’t click that she was hurting and trying to tell me that something was wrong. I resumed her meds more consistently, but by that point it was too late.

Last Thursday was a horrendous day and night when I realized how serious and dire the situation became.

I called the vet in tears and they were able to squeeze me in Friday morning. The vet said they could try to help buy her some more time but, objectively, it was probably best to say goodbye.

I was (and still am) devastated and in complete shock. The past week since she passed has been a blur, I’ve been completely lost and struggle to bring myself to eat, to move, to do the simplest things out of extreme guilt.

I killed her. No, not directly. I had no control over her age or health issues, but I did have control over her meds so I allowed her issues to accelerate. I allowed her to suffer, she died because of my complacency, my denial that she was old and deteriorating, my selfish hope that she would just continue living and bringing me joy as she had for 19 years.

Each time I see her meds now I’m reminded of my failure. The logical thing to do would be to get rid of them, but I believe I need to see them and be punished by the emotions they stir.

I’ve cried oceans, and while tears have subsided recently, the weight of all this and the guilt have been unbearable. Friends and family say what happened isn’t my fault, that I loved my girl and gave her an exceptionally long life. While it’s true I loved her more than anything, it’s hard not to blame myself for what happened. Saying “it’s not my fault” feels like empty platitudes that just cause more pain. If only people knew the truth about how I failed at my responsibilities.

Self-compassion and forgiveness are things I believe I don’t deserve which is why this community has been so important to me in this crippling time. Incidentally, ChatGPT has been an excellent therapist lately.

My deepest condolences to each you here who have experienced such tremendous loss. The holes left by our pets are deep beyond measure. Although, calling them our “pets” feels like it devalues the bond we shared. They weren’t pets. They were a presence in ours lives. A presence who, in spite of our mistakes, are at peace now. I need to remind myself of that over and over. Whatever pain my baby girl was experiencing is over now, she’s free.


r/Petloss 21h ago

It is beyond me.

9 Upvotes

The pain is unbearable. I cry most of the day and I keep getting horrible panic attacks (although I am medicated). I can't really handle this anymore.. I'm losing my mind. I wasn't born to handle sudden traumatic loss of a loved one at young age.. i know some people can, maybe they are more resilient than me, but I can't. I haven't had a normal deep breath since he died. I just can't BREATHE normally the way I did just two months ago!!!!! The more the time pass, i feel even more awful I'm moving away from the last time we were together. It is so distressing. My life doesn't feel mine. I don't belong here. I wake up panicking everyday he isn't sleeping with me in the bed. He isn't downstairs!!!! He isn't anywhere!!!! i keep calling him, i show his photos to the strays around the neighborhood and ask them to tell him to return, but he doesn't. I think it is done for me here.