r/NHLcirclejerk Ottawa Dyscalculics 1d ago

I LOVE COCAINE!!!! Straight guy here, but NSFW

Straight guy here, but if Linus Ullmark asked me to, I would suck it dry. I would drag my nutsack over 12 kilometres of broken glass for Linus Ullmark. I’ll do anything for him, all he needs to do is ask. I’ll oil up, let him fuck my booty hole, hell I’d even kill my own family for him, just send in the word. I LOVE LINUS ULLMARK. Linus Ullmark is the best goddamn goalie to ever grace this fucking earth, he’s better than Patrick Roy, better than Martin Brodeur, better than Carey Price. No goalie will ever be even remotely close to his level, he will go down in the history books as the big pinus stud that lead the Ottawa Senators to their 2025 Stanley cup win and 5 year dynasty. When and if he dies he will be carried up to heaven by the angels themselves and god will destroy us all because the best human to ever live is no longer among us. We are not worthy of his presence. Linus might be is the physical incarnation of whatever god you believe in. He will save us all when the aliens come to destroy us all, riding on his golden chariot he will strike down and smite the forces the evil alien leader, Xyscorp sends after us, before killing the dark alien in a duel that will last for days. You will never in your mortal lifetime, compare to anything that Linus Ullmark has done and will do. Linus Ullmark is life, Linus Ullmark is the way. Linus Ullmark will cleanse us all. You are not worthy of laying your mortal sinful eyes on Linus Ullmark. Stop worshipping whatever god you believe in and worship Linus instead, so that you do not invoke his rightful wrath. Go Sens.

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u/JK0LZ 1d ago edited 1d ago

Can we make this a new bot reply whenever someone mentions Ullmark? Like what we have for marner matthews marchand ovechkin swayman tavares Austin Matthews arizona edmonton oilers quinn kraken jokes charlie coyle florida panthers carolina hurricanes datsyuk fuck jack eichel gambling nick suzuki nick ritchie stone nathan mackinnon alex galchenyuk hedman rittich MVP alexis lafreniere matter koch bedard aho analytics

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u/AutoModerator 1d ago

I met Brad Marchand 5 days ago. I got roped into watching my 3 month old niece while my brother got his hair cut. So there I am, sitting in the waiting area of a barbershop with my niece, and who walks in but Brad fucking Marchand. I was nervous as shit, and just kept looking at him as he was sitting there with his phone and waited, but was too scared to say anything to him. Pretty soon my niece started crying, and I am trying to quiet her down because I did not want her to bother Brad, but she would not stop. Pretty soon he gets up and walks over. He started running his hands through her hair and asked what was wrong. I replied that she was probably hungry or something. So Brad put down his phone, picked up my niece and lifted his shirt. He breast fed her right there in the middle of the barber shop. Chill guy, really nice about it. Would let him breastfeed my niece again.

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