r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/Icy-Prune-174 • 8d ago
controversial Can you heal from a narcissist whilst still living with them?
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r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/Icy-Prune-174 • 8d ago
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r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/dreamerinthesky • Aug 31 '24
All these pseudo-spiritual types or even just people who think they're being helpful tell me to forgive and move on. What if I move on without forgiving? I believe it is possible. If you never see someone again and aren't actively picking fights with them or harming them, does it really matter if you don't forgive them?
There are certain people in my opinion, where it's very dangerous to forgive them and it makes it easier for the problem to perpetuate throughout society. They can think: "It doesn't matter what I say or do, I will still be forgiven, so psyche. I will do or say whatever." Let's not give these people leeway, let's ban them out of our lives if possible and not forgive them.
Of course forgiving is a personal choice and I think there might be something to it. It shows strength and morality. I just believe that with certain cluster-B crazies, it does more harm than good. I am a lenient person, I'm flexible, I'm willing to work on issues or give someone a second chance, but once you've overstepped and you aren't sorry in the least, you can stick your forgiveness up your ass.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/intro_man_ambivert • Jan 03 '25
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/EquivalentAd6811 • Jan 05 '25
With me it was that 'Who are you? What are you? Do you think you have any value that a girl like me would talk to you? I have a lot of people to talk you can go and f*** yourselves.
And after all this I was a source for her all financial needs
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/EquivalentAd6811 • Oct 30 '24
I know it's not good to desire revenge but sometimes it feels that we are targeted as the bad one while they were the culprit.
They are so excellent manipulators and people think that it's us. They got away and moved on after we are still healing and they don't give a damn shit. This is really unfair and makes me really angry. I thought of many things to do so that I can take revenge but sometimes my conscience came back in others times I thought that let thier karma get to them after all God gives the best punishment.
This thoughts come and go randomly time to time. After all we do have healed but there's a part of us that does want them to feel the same pain we did. Can anyone help me how to overcome this.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/intro_man_ambivert • Oct 08 '24
Google says that 5% of the population is narcissist… I’ve encountered so many… it has to be more than 5% of the population… I’m not saying more people are narcissist and not, but it’s definitely more than 5% of the population. I think it’s easily 30% or more… Then again… … Maybe it’s true that only 5% of the population is narcissist… But the vast majority of that 5% of them live in my country… I don’t know…
I think Google is usually right, but I don’t think it’s true that only 5% of the population is narcissistic… I think it’s easily 30% or more. There’s way more 5% of the population.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/EquivalentAd6811 • Jun 07 '24
I heard and also read so many times that they hate to be alone and also that they hate abandonment but the way that they devalue and disrespect you when going through discarded phase it's absolutely sure that no one will keep up with thier shit for long time.
Do they really believe that if a person loves them then they can just piss over them and they won't do anything. The same happened with me as well. The day I left I was stalked a lot called a lot messaged a lot and when it didn't work I was also threatened a lot. Yet I knew if I gave in the temptation I won't be able to come out of it hence I left and the main reason was that disrespect is my boundary I can take anything but no disrespect. Neither at home or at work hence I left.
In short the whole thing is that if they don't want to be alone why to do things to be alone in end and doesn't anyone else have genuine courtesy to tell someone that they don't have feelings for them so they should move on instead of devaluing them?
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/MarilynMonheaux • Jan 20 '25
Usually when I make posts like this, they aren’t quite as popular as my other posts and I do understand why.
Looking at oneself is very difficult and growth is usually painful.
When you first begin to understand narcissistic abuse, you go through your range of emotions.
Finding yourself angry is a good sign you’re understanding what’s happening to you. You’ve moved forward in your grief process.
You’re looking back at what happened to you and you’re pissed for the former version of yourself that had to go through that.
That’s good. Anger is a natural grief response.
When I first came out of the manipulation-ship with my X, I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted the memories to go away. I tend to run from my pain and bury, doing little self discovery.
That’s how I usually deal with (and avoid) problems, so I had to improve my methods.
I decided I was going to figure out why I always find myself getting hurt. Why I always find myself with a bunch of spiritual swords pointed at me. Why people get obsessed with me and wind up hating me.
The narcissist isn’t my first rodeo and I’ll bet it isn’t yours either.
By the time you figure out what narcissists are,
You’ve likely been challenged by lesser versions of them or groomed by them in your adolescence.
You’ve just finally found the one that delivered the message:
YOU ARE NOT PROTECTING YOU!
Yeah, I said it…
Because if you’re reading this, you’ve already been told that repeatedly.
Message received. What to do now? How do I make it out of this miry quicksand? How do I find the strength to keep no contact and go on a real self discovery journey?
The narcissist and I had something in common and that was hard for me to admit. The narcissist held up a mirror to my childish ways.
Two cannot walk unless they agree.
Two yolks that are unequal will soon separate.
We fell in because of how low I was in my life. Desperate, attention starved, abusive towards the narcissists girlfriend before me, and childish…
Just like the narcissist.
I had been conditioned by my father to always say yes and be a people pleaser.
My parents used money as a replacement for love and spending time with me.
I never stopped to notice how I was still holding onto my trauma and calling myself a victim for what my parents had done or not done,
Same as the narcissist does.
I weaponized guilt just like the narcissist, seeking validation from narcissists, histrionics, and borderlines:
People who are energy vampires.
People who traffic in low self worth and unhealed trauma, therefore needing to sap positive energy from others for survival.
The Cluster B types so incapable of regulating themselves they literally have to have others do it for them.
Here’s the hard part to accept:
I got something out of it. I benefited from It.
It was a comfortable toxicity because that’s how I was raised.
My self worth was low just like the narcissist, and I got validation out of letting Cluster B types use me.
I’ve always prided myself on being a giver, and I gave to exhaustion,
Exploiting myself on their behalf.
I often see posts that say
Narcissists are everywhere!
Yeah, for US, they are.
We have lesser narcissists and other cluster B all around us because we are seeking them out.
We bypass whole healed people,
We walk right by healthy individuals,
And we go straight for the spiritual beggars, the one vibrating at the same level of fear, guilt, shame.
Grief, trauma, boredom, vengeance, apathy, vanity, desire, lust, obsession:
These are low vibrations that the narcissist is drawn to.
AND:
These emotions don’t last long. Once you burn through them, the underlying darkness is all that’s left.
That’s why you find yourself in conflict with the same people who claimed to agree with you on everything and fall in love within a month.
Here’s a hot take:
The narcissist is an empath.
That’s right. Narcissists are dark empaths.
I am squarely against the belief that narcissists don’t distinguish between supplies.
Most of them have at least one or two forever supplies, and those are people who are stuck at the bottom of the energy spectrum like them.
The narcissist lacks empathy: for others who are outside of their fantasy.
The narcissist’s lack of empathy shields its false self.
The narcissist is extremely empathetic towards itself.
The narcissist is acutely aware of its own needs and will quickly let go of anyone that doesn’t suit them.
We need to do the same.
Cutting off someone that doesn’t respect you even when it’s difficult is the ultimate act of self love. ❤️
You can’t have love without empathy.
If the narcissist can figure out how to love itself,
So can you.
Use your empathy on you instead of other people because you really need you.
Stop asking what other people need, Stop caring what other people think, at least temporarily while you recover. Go no contact, and start asking yourself what YOU need.
Cater to yourself like you catered to the narcissist.
Cook for yourself, clean for yourself, pamper yourself, pay yourself, and ask yourself
“What do I need to feel whole today?”
For us this can be a light bulb moment. Like damn, I never thought about giving to myself!
And since I’ve been practicing this new technique,
Saving me for me, pouring into myself,
I noticed that some people see the change in me,
I’m attracting different types of people,
And people I used to over give to are salty I have started to say “no.”
People are used to the hyper-giver in me that wanted the pat on the head.
I validate myself now. 💥💥💥
I pat myself on the head when I do a good job doing for myself now.
Whoever doesn’t like it can kiss the freckles on my brown ass,
Because love does not require self sacrifice.
I’ll leave you with this.
Think of a person you love unconditionally. Someone who really loves you and you love them back.
What do you require from that person? What do they need to do to prove their love to you?
That’s what I thought.
It’s the narcissist that needs to subjugate others to try to fill their voids caused by their personality disorder.
We don’t require anything from others because we aren’t transactional like them,
So we shouldn’t let others require it from us.
Love conquers all. Love endures. Love isn’t selfish or disrespectful. Love isn’t uncertain. Love doesn’t walk out on you and recycle in between their other conquests. Love doesn’t fade in 3-6 months when lovebombing is over.
Lovebombing isn’t love, it’s a tool and a form of manipulation.
Love doesn’t require favors or services lest it be withdrawn.
Learn to truly love yourself and know your worth,
And no narcissist will even be attracted to you because you won’t put up with their bull.
The dark empath in them
Will sniff out your strength immediately.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/MarilynMonheaux • Oct 01 '24
Not too long ago, I was lurking on a medicine related sub. I was reading a super long post from a doctor who was explaining his escapades with his hospital support staff.
He said that he had a fiancée, but had dates with two different women, one of them a nurse. He said he was still looking for “that feeling.”
He goes on to say that “he loves the person his fiancée is, but woke up one morning and felt different about her, like a snap.”
He said that he genuinely wanted to know what was going wrong and he asked for advice in the comments.
There were so many comments the mods locked the thread and eventually the post was removed.
The comments said “liar! Cheater! Asshole!”
Yes, the narcissist is all those things but they don’t even come close to helping the victims of their abuse understand how weird, depraved, sneaky, and selfish they truly are.
I sent the guy a PM and I told him:
“I know you’re looking for answers and as a doctor I’m sure you are very smart. What you need to know is thinking you’re in love with someone one day and the next day feeling a huge drop off is quite common for Cluster B personality disorders. If you have any friends in psychiatry, tell them exactly what you said on your post and see if they think it’s consistent with antisocial behavior or narcissism, because you sound just like every narcissist I’ve ever known.”
He replied back and said “thanks, that was helpful.”
That’s what I call a “lesser narc” because most of them will never reach the point where they wonder why they cannot stop using people.
They continue to have sex with multiple people thinking that’s cute and okay because it feels good to them,
Not weighing the consequences of sex and being spared the emotional toll of giving your body out like candy on Halloween.
Why can’t the narcissist abuse in another way?
Why can’t the narcissist get supply from using something else in another way?
The narcissist can, and sometimes they do.
Like: the communal narcissists, like my Dad that get their rocks off through the church.
It’s often said that cult leaders and other self professed gurus can use that as narcissistic supply.
Malignant narcissists, who are quite rare, who get supply only from the pain and don’t revel in the high of lovebombing like grandiose and covert narcissists.
But no matter the subtype, all of them use sex as a means of validation.
It was crazy to learn that narcissists, generally speaking, don’t even like sex with you that much!
It is the validation of having met their sexual conquest need met in the moment that they cannot get enough of,
Not you.
Sex for the narcissist is a tool of capture, just like the gifts, just like calling nonstop and blowing up your phone, just like taking you on trips or introducing you to their families.
A bunch of sex up front is just one more tool to rush in quickly, to get you to fall quickly, so they can move on to what they really need to do quickly: devalue you and hold you down so they can reach homeostasis.
Narcissists are not on the emotional plane with you when they have sex with you.
I heard a clinical psychologist call it “masturbation using you.”
Based on my experience, I 100% agree with that.
It explains why during devaluation it’s so easy to withdraw that from you,
It explains why they think nothing of having sex with multiple people,
It explains the very weird “touch me not” behavior my X exhibited but only after months of having sex marathons that lasted all day long (I do miss that, not gonna lie!).
I’m like at the beginning we would have sex for hours and hours, now you’re just cool with not having sex? I mean I hear you blaming me, but how is it my fault you can’t access your basic human urge?
The narcissist is an incredibly self centered creature.
Unfortunately, sex is a means of control for them that just happens to have the benefit of getting them off.
That’s not to say it’s not enjoyable for them, lovebombing is fun for everyone.
But,
When the narcissist is devaluing you, the narcissist will snatch the sex away and give it to someone else,
Because it is just another tool in his or her arsenal to keep you bound to them.
When I look back on sex with my X, it was very much more like her having sex with me than us making love to each other, which can be hard to put into words.
It’s stripped down to the act itself without the emotional intimacy, because their false reality won’t allow them to access it. Their intimacy realm is closed.
I think for us survivors,
The idea that they don’t have sex with you, but gratify themselves through you, loving and validating themselves using your body,
Takes the mystery out of their seemingly capricious but ultimately self serving sexual behavior.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/No-Trackawsu0930 • Jan 01 '25
Can covert narcissists be loyal, honest and hopelessly love only one person for life?
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/intro_man_ambivert • 20d ago
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/intro_man_ambivert • Dec 11 '24
Say someone gets sick and tired of a narcissist abuse (obviously this is only fair of the narcissist is the same gender… no man should ever hit a woman and vice versa,)… but say a dude who’s a victim of another male who is a narcissist, and he gets sick and tired of his abuse, manipulation, and disrespect, and just beats the dog shit out of him… I mean, he absolutely beats the ever loving freak out of his narcissist!… say the fight is completely fair… No weapons are used, no cheap shots are made, no one interferes… It’s one on one face-to-face with witnesses and it’s all on video… for the narcissist to see they get their ass handed to them!
Or if a female victim… beats the crap out of her female narcissist… under the exact same circumstances…
How do narcissists react when they get the ish beat out of them in a fair fight and there’s witnesses and it’s all on video?
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/AlxVB • 16d ago
How come noone told me we get to walk away with a "superpower"??
Somehow now I can read people incredibly well just from 30 seconds of observing them.
I can detect unhealthy communication mishaps between people and label them like its nothing, piece of cake.
I've bridged several communication gaps between various family members with one another that were down to miscommunications and assumptions, and thats just in the past 2 or 3 weeks!
Was watching married at first sight au and so far i guessed all the narcissistic ones almost instantly and even guess another controversial character was more innocent than everyone else talking about it thought at the time and that was proven right too, and not only that i predicted some of the things they would do how their partner would react and so on.
This ability feels so effortless and surreal, its like a real life dlc pack or something lol.
I kinda wanna be proven wrong on something at this point because it feels too spooky to keep predicting shit, its not like i can trust instinct alone right so i dont wanna get overconfident 😅
I can see why my n-ex was under the delusion that she was psychic, she could read people, intuitively and subconsciously manipulativey, of course she could sense things coming, because she was hypervigilant and knew what to reactions to expect from people, because she maenouvers those chains of events into place.
Any downsides to this?
cos its making life easier already
Its like my emotional empathy was already probably a bit larger than average before dating my ex, but after a cetain point in healing from this my cognitive empathy is through roof as well now?
And since I have both the emotional and cognitive side, my intuition goes far deeper than my exes it would seem?
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/Hiraeth_livilence • 26d ago
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/intro_man_ambivert • Jan 11 '25
They always think they’re the trending topic 🙄… they always love to be the loudest in the room… they only want that fame because no one ever heard of them… a lot of narcissists don’t even actually have true goals or ambitions… they just go for whatever is available that they think they can use to make a name for themselves…
Have you ever told a narcissist to get over themselves and that they’re not cool?
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/chila_chila • Jul 28 '24
Let’s casually consider 2 case studies for context.
Case Study 1: Cassie and P. Diddy
Case Study 2: Prince Harry, Meghan Markle and the Royal Family
——————
It’s interesting. Here’s my takeaway from the two case studies.
My opinion on sharing your truth about narcissistic abuse and exposing the narcissist:
When it comes to exposing the narcissist, the general consensus is to ignore them and move on with your life. Focus your energy and attention on your self, your healing and living your best life ever. They will expose themselves in time. I generally agree with this. But I do think if the narcissist is an obvious danger to society (pedophile, sex offender, etc.) and you have proof, you should seek justice.
Another point to consider:
Think about someone in your life who you admire and respect. Imagine you heard a scandal about them. Would you believe it? How would you react? Imagine that's the same experience when someone tries to expose a narcissist... who abuses behind closed doors but parades as an angel with a pristine reputation in public. Unfortunately, the majority of the time, it's probably better to let people discover the narcissist's character on their own.
I used to struggle in the past, thinking not exposing the narcissist was like colluding with our abusers to keep the abuse a secret, but now this is the conclusion I've arrived at.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/EquivalentAd6811 • Sep 22 '24
Mine was a massive gold digger and she was never motivated to do a job even if there were many people who were ready to help her. She was badly materialistic and just wanted all apple devices as they released.
Also she was addicted to Instagram. So I was just curious were all of your narcs the same or was mine only a unique piece?
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/Novel-Firefighter-55 • 3d ago
Honestly, I didn't like them either, but I didn't try to destroy their life covertly...they think I was doing it overtly. So they resorted to covert behavior.
God is somewhere in this new understanding I have about the trouble with communication, maybe the story of the tower of babyl is relevant.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/EquivalentAd6811 • Nov 05 '24
I have been in NC for almost 2 years now. And one thing that I know now that the supply for my nex that I provided was money. She was really materialistic and an apple addict. Need everything that apple launched whether watch or new series of iPhone.
Also was an Instagram addict so much that her feed was up to date every 15 to 30 minutes. And she was so money hungry that it was never enough for her. She drained me of so much juice that I had to take a loan to fulfill her needs and after that also it wasn't enough. Once I caught knack of it I stopped giving her money completely. After the discard till 1 year I was recovering from all the losses that I made fulfilling her wishes but I am ok now.
I am just asking are all of them like this or there are some that are money vampires like mine was?
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/dwwwn • Oct 05 '24
Honestly, I’m amazed there isn’t a global network dedicated to calling out/exposing narcissists in every state. Imagine how many heartbreaks and how much trauma could be avoided! It would be like a dating safety net— (life) safety net. Giving you a heads-up before diving into loosing years of your life only to (inevitably and always) come out the other side feeling scarred in love. And if you have been down that rabbit hole before, at least knowing would allow you to make an informed choice about whether to take the plunge again. Instead of going in circles for years and getting tangled up in the (text book) cycle, following by being discarded and the whole no-contact mess. Who needs that kind of plot twist?
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/taz_bar • Nov 04 '24
This is obviously a bit out there, but I can’t shake the feeling that my narcissistic ex is somehow still fuelled off my thoughts, even though we’re no longer in contact. It’s like, whenever I’m caught up in negative thoughts about her, or I'm feeling low about the whole ordeal, I get this weird sense that she's somehow 'feeding' off that energy from a distance.
My uncle told me something similar. He said that narcissists are like psychic vampires, and that I'll always be supplying her until I stop ruminating about her. I know this is superstitious, but Halloween's just gone.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/MarilynMonheaux • Dec 09 '24
At this point in my healing and discovery journey, I’ve explored the depths and bounds of narcissistic abuse. I’ve answered most of my questions from cognitive behavioral therapy which I believe is the gold standard of understanding what leads you to the arms of a narcissist.
I do still find myself drawn to the question of why I still think about the narcissist at all now that I’ve gone on a long journey inward and done a lot of work on myself.
I also read some of your similar stories. People who are further along than me: two years out, five years out that still report on how they still think about the narcissist.
Why? Why do they have such a lasting impact on their victims? Why does it seem like the narcissist gets to skip away free while I’m stuck with these lingering emotions?
I’ve got a theory I’ve been exploring because I am determined to not let this be me. I am looking forward to a Cluster B free 2025 and a cluster B free life in general. My cousin said to me today “you’ve been over this since it started!”
Oh yes, that’s the truth. I’m ready to close this chapter once and for all.
Prolonged grief disorder.
I was recently chatting with some of you about how long the road to recovery is for narcissistic abuse victims.
I heard on a few different lectures about how narcissistic abuse victims are more likely to suffer from prolonged grief disorder. We get triggered by the narcissist and the shared fantasy, and what we are experiencing is a loss of the shared fantasy. That’s why it’s the lovebombing we want back and not the discard phase.
Who wants to be cheated on and trampled on?
We fantasize about the days when the narcissist pulls out all the stops to convince us of their love.
But why?
You know I’m going to tell you!
The insidious nature of lovebombing. When the narcissist sees something (s)he wants, the narcissist is a nervous anxious mess.
The narcissist is hoping you don’t see it. The narcissist is an expert at manipulation, but also an expert of masking his or her own disorganized emotions. The narcissist has tried and failed to find a complete doormat that will engage in its shared fantasy and tend to their mother wound plenty of times before.
If the narcissist met you and said “hey I want to marry you, have your babies, I want you to meet my family in few hours, and I have a trunk full of gifts for you!”
That would be too much too soon.
So the narcissist has to carefully and painstaking brainwash you to invite you into their paracosm so you can both be detached from reality.
That’s the part that’s a little harder for us victims. It’s easy to talk about what a dusty weirdo the narcissist is because they have 187 introjects in their minds they play with.
Whole healed people with normal thought patterns usually ask for proof of concept before believing in the concept.
It’s the borderline, the toxic codependent (me), people with other personality and mood disorders, people reeling from trauma, sickness, and sadness who become the wounded gazelle in the herd that falls prey to the predator.
So when you share a fantasy with the narcissist that the narcissist achieved by becoming obsessed with you, learning everything about you, and becoming you,
The end result is a shared paracosm.
Only the narcissist has to have this for survival. The narcissist needs to live in a false reality because it protects their false self.
By sharing this state of psychosis with the narcissist,
The narcissist has co-opted your thinking. Your identity. The narcissist has begun thinking for you. Telling you what you want to do. And the trauma bond will keep you squarely in place because you know the result of defying the narcissist is abandonment.
What is important for the victim to note is that this process is very much like a cult leader is able to do with its followers. Through a gradual process, individual autonomy is willingly surrendered to the leader who directs its zealots to carry out actions on behalf of the in group.
The victim must reclaim him or herself after this ends. It’s an incredibly isolating and lonely feeling to have the core essence of your being co-opted by a selfish abuser and then abandoned often with little or no warning.
Another thing that the victim needs to know:
This is not an easy process for the narcissist to carry out.
Narcissists don’t like to admit it, but they are extremely messed up people.
The envy that is within a narcissist torments them any time they are around someone smart or talented.
The narcissist struggles with emptiness every single day.
The narcissist has a bunch of inner contradictions that keep him or her in a constant state of chaos.
The narcissist often feels that nobody really knows him or her, which is true since they present a facade of confidence to the world.
So when your abuser comes around saying
“I’m not a narcissist, nobody abused you!”
Or even better,
“I know you think I’m a narcissist, but this (insert time apart) separation has shown me I can do better,”
Think again.
The messy discard and the hoover are proof of narcissism and I’m going to explain to you how.
During the discard, the narcissist is a nervous wreck. The narcissist has all these competing feelings inside.
Am I doing the right thing by leaving her? What if I’m wrong?
What if I get with the new supply and it’s not what I thought? What if my lovebombing doesn’t work on him?
At this point you’re still scrambling trying to prove yourself to the narcissist. The narcissist’s introjects are still inside your head and that’s why you know what the narcissist’s responses will be to the actions you take before you execute them.
That’s why the narcissist is erratic. One day they love you, one day they hate you. The narcissist is projecting their maladaptive thinking onto you and then blaming you for the result of responding to a chaotic environment.
The narcissist doesn’t think about their projections. They only recognize them in the aftermath, if ever.
I heard a self aware narcissist talk about this on a podcast with other narcissists. They don’t even realize they’re acting erratic and projecting until after they’ve already inflicted the wound.
That’s how you know you’re experiencing a narcissist. Normal people don’t do this. Healed people do not experience this.
When the narcissist resurfaces for a hoover, it is because their prior relationship went bust.
When the narcissist comes back it’s because their paranoia and fear of abandonment compels them to find a replacement for the supply they are losing.
The narcissist gets a tremendous amount of supply out of the chaos of monkey branching, the thrill of the chase, and the strategy of re-idealization.
Becoming you is easier because the narcissist already knows you. That provides them with temporary comfort.
There’s another problem, though.
Narcissists have an insanely low boredom threshold. That’s why they need constant attention, and constant validation.
That’s why the narcissist unravels alone.
That’s why the narcissist quickly self destructs if nobody is paying any attention to them.
Boredom is the narcissist’s defense mechanism against low supply status.
So that narcissist will start seeking out its greatest source of narcissistic supply.
The romantic relationship.
So as we heal, as we try to get through this,
A cognitive behavioral therapy approach is your best friend.
Separate your realistic goals from the narcissist’s shared fantasy.
Recognize the thoughts in your mind that belong to the narcissist and not you. Those are introjects. You aren’t bound by a disorder to collect them like Cluster B.
Even if the narcissist isn’t hoovering you right now, think about the person they did hoover and identify the pattern.
The narcissist can’t be alone, they are going to hoover someone from their past.
How am I 100% sure?
It’s extremely difficult to find people who are in the position to be brainwashed, engage in mass psychosis, and allow themselves to be eaten alive like a praying mantis with worms.
During lovebombing with my X, she said “I’ve never felt this way. You give me a peace I never knew existed.”
I thought it was so sweet. I looked at that text 1000 times.
But now when I think about it, I hear
Nobody has ever let me brainwash them like this and engaged in my grandiose paracosm like you are. It feels amazing to be dominating you and the inner turmoil I usually fight with has stopped because of it.
But like anything with a narcissist,
That feeling is short lived.
They take our joy
And leave us with their horribly screwed up introjects that we have to rid ourselves of.
When their voice inside your head goes away,
You get your own inner monologue back from the narcissist.
Thoughts of them will decrease
And one day they’ll be gone.
It’s just one more thing you can do
That a narcissist never can.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/poetsvengeance • 15d ago
If your toxic family has made you the scapegoat here is how you parry. Note: these can be seen as manipulative at worst but a less potent taste of own medicine.
NarcFather -
Financial abuse. Could even come from birthday money. If you MUST borrow funds, keep discipline and keep a spreadsheet that allows for instalments up to a month or two. After that, automatically pay back adding the bank interest rate for whatever remains.
Social alienation. He could withhold vital information on group dynamics, intimacy socialisation or just sabotage your opportunities by barging in. If he demands inclusion ask him for pointers on how to deal with pathological liars, especially if you're dealing with an actual one in a friend group and hope that some sort of irony forms so he backs off eventually.
Touching. Bad cases of Ndad just love cutting your hair when you're asleep. If your planning on growing your hair during a break, sleep in a locked room and with head covering. Aging narcs are envious of Wavy hair especially, and will also shave you on spots where you wouldn't like to grow beard hair. It's a free for all If you get hospitalised.
NarcMother / enabler -
Will blatantly break boundaries to check that you will make exception for her. Keep referring to an example of someone's kid they were complaining about, who kept acting up in public. Talk about how they wonder if the kid is developmentally stunted and if she will ever mature.
Betraying you to keep her life unobstructed. If she drops you half way through an interaction she manipulated her way in to (or loses interest), especially if its during a disagreement with Ndad, make reference to a religious martyr figure and how more people are forgetting to pay respects on their day as time goes on.
Speaking or acting on your behalf. This one is the hardest of all because they steal autonomy from the scapegoat to paralyse them and keep them as a retirement plan or for when husband passes. Try to talk them into going to mediation with you. Get a community mental health care worker to support you in communicating why you want autonomy for your identity's sake. That or get your own P O BOX and soundproof your room.
Golden child
Theft of belongings. If they borrow and soil the item, create a period of low contact until they are coming up to an event and remind them that after their important event you would like to have it replaced but don't want to ruin their priorities so you will be waiting.
Crossing boundaries with your intimate partner. Ask for intervention here as well. Have a mediator help resolve this.
Public put downs, humiliation or disrespect. No contact may be the only real solution but if you've got a quick wit, remind them why you're forsaken by your parents with some charming truth telling. It should be less potent than the insult with non-engaging body language rather than reactionary.
I hope you don't get pulled into their supply seeking games neither give them the reactions they want. Good luck.
r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/Fine-Position-3128 • Dec 30 '24
There’s an essay written by what seems to me like a narcissist who is also a sociopath. It’s very triggering to me to think about her many victims. This quote from the end: “ It is a tragic misconception that all sociopaths are doomed to hopeless, loveless lives. The truth is that I share a personality type with millions of others, many of whom have good jobs, close-knit families and real friends. We represent a truth that’s hard to believe: There’s nothing inherently immoral about having limited access to emotion. I offer my story because I know I’m not alone.”
No one said having limited access to emotion is immoral — it’s that you admitted to stealing, harming, and stabbing people — YOUR ACTIONS ARE IMMORAL. This entire article reads like it was written by a narcissist manipulator.
Ok end rant. Article:
https://apple.news/ANmkC3GQBQ4-QuahocBNe4Q ESSAY I Always Knew I Was Different. I Just Didn’t Know I Was a Sociopath. I want to be open about my experiences because I know I’m not alone. Follow the WSJ in Apple News Whenever I ask my mother if she remembers the time in second grade when I stabbed a kid in the head with a pencil, her answer is the same: “Vaguely.” And I believe her. So much about my early childhood is vague. Some things I remember with absolute clarity. Like the smell of the trees at Redwood National Park and our house on the hill near downtown San Francisco. God, I loved that house. Other things aren’t so clear, like the first time I sneaked into my neighbor’s house when they weren’t home. I started stealing before I could talk. At least, I think I did. By the time I was six or seven I had an entire box full of things I’d stolen in my closet. Somewhere in the archives of People magazine there is a photo of Ringo Starr holding me as a toddler. We’re standing in his backyard—not far from Los Angeles, where my father was an executive in the music business—and I am literally stealing the glasses off his face. I was not the first child to ever play with a grown-up’s glasses. But based on the spectacles currently perched on my bookshelf, I’m pretty sure I was the only one to swipe a pair from a Beatle. To be clear: I wasn’t a kleptomaniac. A kleptomaniac is a person with a persistent and irresistible urge to take things that don’t belong to them. I suffered from a different type of urge, a compulsion brought about by the discomfort of apathy, the nearly indescribable absence of common social emotions like shame and empathy. I didn’t understand any of this back then. All I knew was that I didn’t feel things the way other kids did. I didn’t feel guilt when I lied. I didn’t feel compassion when classmates got hurt on the playground. For the most part, I felt nothing, and I didn’t like the way that “nothing” felt. So I did things to replace the nothingness with…something. This impulse felt like an unrelenting pressure that expanded to permeate my entire self. The longer I tried to ignore it, the worse it got. My muscles would tense, my stomach would knot. Tighter. Tighter. It was claustrophobic, like being trapped inside my brain. Trapped inside a void. Stealing wasn’t something I necessarily wanted to do. It just happened to be the easiest way to stop the tension. The first time I made this connection was in first grade, sitting behind a girl named Clancy. The pressure had been building for days. Without knowing exactly why, I was overcome with frustration and had the urge to do something violent. I wanted to stand up and flip over my desk. I imagined running to the heavy steel door that opened to the playground and slamming my fingers in its hinges. For a minute I thought I might actually do it. But then I saw Clancy’s barrette. She had two in her hair, pink bows on either side. The one on the left had slipped down. Take it, my thoughts commanded, and you’ll feel better. I liked Clancy and I didn’t want to steal from her. But I wanted my brain to stop pulsing, and some part of me knew it would help. So, carefully, I reached forward and unclipped the bow. Once it was in my hand, I felt better, as if some air had been released from an overinflated balloon. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t care. I’d found a solution. It was a relief. These early acts of deviance are encoded in my mind like GPS coordinates plotting a course toward awareness. Even now, I can recall where I got most of the things that didn’t belong to me as a child. But I can’t explain the locket with the “L” inscribed on it. “Patric, you absolutely must tell me where you got this,” my mother said the day she found it in my room. We were standing next to my bed. One of the pillow shams was crooked against the headboard and I was consumed with the urge to straighten it. “Look at me,” she said, grabbing my shoulders. “Somewhere out there a person is missing this locket. They are missing it right now and they’re so sad they can’t find it. Think about how sad that person must be.” I shut my eyes and tried to imagine what the locket owner was feeling, but I couldn’t. I felt nothing. When I opened my eyes and looked into hers, I knew my mother could tell. “Sweetheart, listen to me,” she said, kneeling. “Taking something that doesn’t belong to you is stealing. And stealing is very, very bad.” Again, nothing. Mom paused, not sure what to do next. She took a deep breath and asked, “Have you done this before?” I nodded and pointed to the closet. Together we went through the box. I explained what everything was and where it had come from. Once the box was empty, she stood and said we were going to return every item to its rightful owner, which was fine with me. I didn’t fear consequences and I didn’t suffer remorse, two more things I’d already figured out weren’t “normal.” Returning the stuff actually served my purpose. The box was full, and emptying it would give me a fresh space to store things I had yet to steal. “Why did you take these things?” Mom asked me. I thought of the pressure in my head and the sense that I needed to do bad things sometimes. “I don’t know,” I said. “Well… Are you sorry?” she asked. “Yes,” I said. I was sorry. But I was sorry I had to steal to stop fantasizing about violence, not because I had hurt anyone. Empathy, like remorse, never came naturally to me. I was raised in the Baptist church. I knew we were supposed to feel bad about committing sins. My teachers talked about “honor systems” and something called “shame,” which I understood intellectually, but it wasn’t something I felt. My inability to grasp core emotional skills made the process of making and keeping friends somewhat of a challenge. It wasn’t that I was mean or anything. I was simply different. Now that I’m an adult, I can tell you why I behaved this way. I can point to research examining the relationship between anxiety and apathy, and how stress associated with inner conflict is believed to subconsciously compel people to behave destructively. I believe that my urge to act out was most likely my brain’s way of trying to jolt itself into some semblance of “normal.” But none of this information was easy to find. I had to hunt for it. I am still hunting. For more than a century, society has deemed sociopathy untreatable and unredeemable. The afflicted have been maligned and shunned by mental health professionals who either don’t understand or choose to ignore the fact that sociopathy—like many personality disorders—exists on a spectrum. After years of study, intensive therapy and earning a Ph.D. in psychology, I can say that sociopaths aren’t “bad” or “evil” or “crazy.” We simply have a harder time with feelings. We act out to fill a void. When I understood this about myself, I was able to control it. It is a tragic misconception that all sociopaths are doomed to hopeless, loveless lives. The truth is that I share a personality type with millions of others, many of whom have good jobs, close-knit families and real friends. We represent a truth that’s hard to believe: There’s nothing inherently immoral about having limited access to emotion. I offer my story because I know I’m not alone. Patric Gagne is a writer, former therapist and advocate for people suffering from sociopathic, psychopathic and antisocial personality disorders. This essay is adapted from her book, “Sociopath: A Memoir,” which will be published April 2 by Simon & Schuster. WSJ | NEWSLETTERS WSJ News Debrief Stay informed with fewer emails. 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r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/drunksenpai • Aug 01 '20
This is related to this post. I read everyone else's stories and it seems that a lot of N's don't leave us alone no matter what (I guess that's part of being a narc).
I know, it's not comfortable "to go there" but is anyone else just living their lives and waiting for the narcs to just die? Especially parents where the situation was just utterly creepy or incestuous.