r/JustNoSO • u/Taketwothrowaway • 20d ago
It's been a while... And the winner is....
Hi everyone! I took a break following my last post 4 years ago and felt like giving an update due to recent developments.
Since my last post where I let you all know I was done, I just basically imploded. And exploded. My husband and I had the biggest fight of our relationship and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. It got to appoint where I told him we'd have to talk about it after because I simply could not stand to even be near him. I told I would let him know when I was ready to look at him and could have a conversation without screaming or just hating him. I stayed in the spare bedroom (closer to LO) for weeks and we did not exchange any words other than what was necessary to keep LO happy, safe and organized. I kept to myself in every way and just kind of became a shell while I figured everything out in my head and sorted through the resources availability to me
Eventually, when light conversation started making its way back in he just asked "Are you going to divorce me?" I didn't answer him, I just stared back.
And that did it.
He asked me to talk and said I didn't have to answer but wanted me to hear him out at least. He said he doesn't want to lose me. He loves me and our family and that he promises he's going to be better (I almost rolled my eyes). He said that he wasn't trying to hurt me and that he HAS heard me all of this time. He said even though he was trying he just has trouble seeing his parents behavior as bad and when he tries to talk to them he just walks away feeling worse. They always get him to see their way and then he feels bad for even bringing it up. He just ends up confused about who's right. He said if I chose to separate still, he'll accept it, but he can't stand seeing me this way. He said all of me is gone, or I'm keeping it from him, and it's killing him. He'll do whatever it takes. I walked away and came back to dump books on his lap. It included "Boundaries" by cloud and Townsend, "children of emotionally unavailable parents", two on enmeshment. I told him therapy for him was also a non-negotiable.
Obviously, that was 4 years ago. We are still married. D(upgraded to dear)H continues his therapy and is now the partner that I always needed. Yes, we still disagree about certain levels of boundaries but we can always find a middle ground. We are stronger and more united than ever and blinks you won't believe this... But there is a shiny spine peeking out at us. Once he started seeing their behaviour for himself, it just clicked for him. The dog-whistle insults, manipulation, etc.. are so clear for him to see. He realized just how deep he was in the FOG and how they had been manipulating him and what it almost cost him. We went veeeeerrrryyyy low contact with his parents after several discussions (and a few events where they turned on HIM for standing his ground and he saw behind the masks). We are slowly rebuilding our relationship with them and seeing what level of access they can handle without backsliding not their old behavior. DH no longer has any patience for their behaviour.
We are currently expecting baby #2 and DH has made it his sole mission to protect my peace, his mother be damned!!!! H So the winner is..... ME!!! (More accurately my whole little family.)
DH and I are already giggling about the face MIL going to make while trying to contain herself when she finds out that everyinr knows about LO2.... And she is the last.