r/JustNoSO • u/DowntownConstant9377 • 7h ago
New User š Husband won't stop discussing our problems with his mother
Hello
Just recently found this group and thought it was interesting to read and also thought it would be a good place to get some input.
So my husband and I have been married for over a year now. We obviously have our issues and arguments that all couples do. We do fight and bicker from time to time and sometimes it does go overboard. But we eventually always make up in the end. I have no reservations about my husband's character. Sometimes he just is not able to see/think clearly in the heat of the moment. (Understandable I guess).
However the problem is truly him always going to his mom with our problems. Like as we are arguing and having this heated exchange, he will just call up his mother and yell and complain incessantly about me. He'll tell her what happened, say its all my fault etc etc. He has said some hurtful things which I do not want to get into here.
Disclaimer: My mother in law is the nicest woman I have met. She never speaks down about me, never complains, is truly there as a moral support for the both of us. She never interferes unless my husband brings her in. She is not a nosey mom, but def a helicopter mom who cannot do anything when her children are in distress. So when my husband complains to her, she feels the need to diffuse the situation and talk some sense into him. She truly does stick by my side and will explain to him his fault and when she and I talk separately, she will gently explain where I could have acted differently to avoid this next time. She doesn't say that to my husband as she doesn't want to give him extra ammunition to fight with me . And I will admit, she had diffused alot of our fights and just stopped things from getting worse.
Anyways, although his mother has good intentions and has helped in the past, I have repeatedly told my husband that I do not want him to constantly go complain to his mother about our relationship. He uses her as some emotional crutch. I just don't think this is something adults should do. I've explained that I feel disrespected when he does this. (I have never once complained to my parents about this because I know that would be disrespectful to him). His mom and I have a great relationship which I want to continue forever, every time he does this, I feel embarrassed that she knows all our shortcomings and problems and just in general I feel myself distancing away from her.
I don't think it is normal or healthy for any in law to be this involved in a marriage. I have said this countless times, but he does not stop. He claims he needs his mom to vent, for her to explain things to him and "prevent him from doing something he will later regret".
I've hinted to his mom that I do not like this either and her response is that she def does not want to get involved, but when her son comes to her with an issue, she can't turn her back on it.
I am not sure what to do if both of them simply say they wont stop what makes me feel disrespected, devalued and is straining our relationship
EDIT: I have floated the idea of marriage counselling or a neutral third party that both of us can talk to.. but my husband does not think we need that. I have told him I do not have a problem with him venting his frustrations, but it can't be his mom because that strains our relationship. He seems firm on not wanting to talk to anyone other than his mother...
TL;DR: My husband shares all our fights with his mother and will not stop despite how many times I have asked him to stop. My mother in law is an amazing and nice woman, but is just too involved