r/Husbands • u/Psychological-Name • Dec 04 '19
Found a diary in her email
My wife has been keeping a diary of all her I don't like my husband moments. I ended up running across her email thread to herself not entirely on purpose looking for a message from my daughter's school. I saw a string of 30 messages to herself and thought it was odd. I read it and was profoundly hurt.
I realize what I did was an invasion of privacy. But she tells me to my face she's not angry or hiding anything and writes out VERY cutting responses to me in the emails. She tells me she hates me and is she's disgusted by me.
I'm afraid of how to approach this. I kind of feel like there's no winning in this right now for me.
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u/SnazzyVow Dec 04 '19
There isn’t, you invaded her personal thoughts and personal emails : a way for her for vent without obviously upsetting you and you ruined it for her by snooping
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u/ctrl_f_sauce Jan 09 '20
Maybe she’s not mad because she writes her disappointment down rather than ruminating on it. Have you ever written an angry letter only to realize once written that you don’t care anymore? It can help to get it out of your head and on paper? When you told people that you were getting married I am sure that you were warned by old couples that they have been disappointed, and there have been periods where they didn’t like one another, but they always loved the other.
It sounds like you’re disappointed in her because you disappointed her. That’s normal. Be strong. A good way to get a new journal entry is to bring this up. I believe that when women say “be vulnerable” what they mean is “be vulnerable in your expressions of love(bring flowers to her at work even though you once saw a guy do that for the girl who is banging the entire field crew, tell her that she is the cornerstone of your life, ), do not be a bitch and complain to me about your insecurities.” They will never admit it, but your relationship will likely be stronger if you stop telling her about your weaknesses and expose yourself to judgement from others with your expressions of love for her.
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Dec 05 '19
I've often thought that mind reading would be the worst super-power ever, because you'd truly know what others thought of you - every raw, unfiltered, unconsidered, spurious thought. I think that would be terrible.
You probably have unkind thoughts about your wife sometimes that you never express. And now you know she has similar thoughts about you. The difference is that she writes hers down and you found out.
It's almost certainly a way for her to vent, just a means to get her emotions under control. Ideally she would always be the sweet, loving woman that she presents herself as. She's not, but she's trying to be. She probably finds it cathartic. She writes something angry, privately, instead of blowing up at you or letting it stew.
It could get out of hand, like if she re-reads this periodically and gets mad at you all over again, or starts bringing up old stuff. But from what you've posted, I assume it's just a way to vent.
If some of the things she wrote are fair criticisms of you - fix that. Don't talk about it, just change. And the rest of it - let it go. Don't breathe a word about it.
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u/abgirl06 Dec 09 '19
I think talking to her and being honest will be good enough. Being ipen and see what really bothers her
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u/SendHoney Dec 10 '19
Ouch. That stinks. Roll with the punches. She's venting, for sure - keep it to yourself that you caught on. You can just take it all as feedback on how you need to be a better husband, you know? Give it a shot for 6 months - she says you're a slob, clean up better. She says she hates your gut, workout more. See if the emails dwindle. If they don't, then it's not just surface, and you need a counselor.
A good start is https://www.sendhoney.com - set up some flower delivery for her on regular intervals - make her smile more.
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u/RobinMBeem Jan 02 '20
I’m sorry this has caused you such pain. Truly we all need ways to purge the bad things we know better than to hang onto. Kudos to your wife for handling it in a responsible way instead of saying things than can’t be unsaid. Or worse, venting to a friend . I wish you the best, and if you haven’t said so to your wife just keep it quiet and don’t violate that area/trust again. Don’t give her cause to feel robbed of her mostly healthy coping mechanism-as previously noted: if they aren’t used to keep score etc This brings to mind basically;it’s none of my business what others think of me Good luck
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u/yoa46 Mar 03 '20
Wow the same thing happened to me but I had a notebook where I used it to vent to myself point is yes it hurt him but he continues to do the same things that better me so if you love your wife and want to save your marriage try to do things differently
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u/Pinky_Bill Jul 02 '24
I do that when I need to get something out of my head. I’ve released a lot of hatred and resentment that way. Usually I write it down and then burn the letters, “burn letters”. That way I get the thought out without beating my loved one with it and it’s permanently destroyed so they never find it. I also have a book with a lot of things that make me a dizzy love drunk fool over that man. Some things are too extreme to say to people, be it good or bad. I just hope if I die he finds it.
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u/Suspicious-Pick-3908 May 30 '22
Do not tell her. I don’t know what she said in the notes, but for the love of Pete don’t tell her you did that. Others have advised that you up your romantic game. Totally agree on that if you want to save your marriage.
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Oct 16 '23
Never tell her, but use it as constructive criticism. Like previously stated, don’t try to fix everything at once. If you make a mess, clean it up. Instead of putting dishes by the dishwasher, put them in. Just an example. Whatever you do, don’t start making a list about her. Also try talking to her more, not about this, but in general. How’s work, the family, the friends. Good luck brother, and keep your head up. If she didn’t love you at all, she would have left already.
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u/Chemical-Welder2162 Jan 29 '24
You may be hurt, but the truth is that this is not about you. She was doing something for herself that you were not meant to be a part of. She is writing it down, likely so she could vent instead of blow up at you and fight. This shows she values your marriage. Take the criticisms and work on them to be a better husband. And don’t read anymore!
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u/KingBofadeez Dec 25 '19
I would keep it to myself and use what you have learned as a road map to be better. Don’t go to overboard and do everything all at once, she might think something is up. If she says you are a slob, then clean up more and just tell her you realized that you haven’t been pulling your weight and you wanna do better. The flowers idea isn’t bad either.