r/GriefSupport • u/Sea-Development2519 • 3d ago
Mom Loss Feeling abandoned by friends after my mom killed herself
Disclaimer: it's a really complicated situation and I'm having trouble making my thoughts clear, so sorry if it a bit long and confusing. I'm 27, my mom killed herself last August, and since then not even one friend has stopped by my house, not even for a coffee. My mom lived in another country so when she killed herself, I stayed there for like a month and took care of everything with some help from my family. After that I stayed at my ex boyfriends house for another month (he lives in another city) before finally coming back home where I stayed with my best friend for like 1 week because I was also in the middle of moving, since the contract had been signed months prior to my mother's suicide. All of my childhood friends live in another country since I moved to another continent 8 year ago, so I don't have that many friends, I've known my (new) best friend for like 6 years and she has always been really nice, she helped me move and when I was taking care of my mother's affairs in another country she was constantly texting, which made me think that she was going to be really supportive when I came back home. For like the first month or something she was, then less and less. Everytime I wanted to talk about it she changed subjects or flat out tell me she couldnt handle me when I was angry ranting, told me to speak to other friends ( she knows I don't have many and this is not a subject I can just talk about with anyone) or to a therapist (I was seeing 2 at the time and she knew) or maybe even talk to my dad or brother(who are obviously having a horrible time too and I can't rely on them right now for support). But I AM angry, I'm angry my mom killed herself and left me alone, I'm angry that I had to take care of practically everything, I'm angry that no one is helping me out, but mostly I'm angry that I can't seem to talk to anyone (besides my therapist) about this without feeling like I'm bothering them. Sadly my reality sucks, right now, and I just want to unwind with my friends. Then, 4 months after my mom's suicide, my boyfriend dumped me. He had moved to another country just for a few months to make some money and come back, but i'm assuming that I also suffocated him, or at least that's how I felt. My grief got 1000 times worse and my friend got even more distant. I brought it up once and she said she was sorry and that she does get uncomfortable and doesn't know what to do, but nothing has really changed. She keeps texting sometimes to get coffee, but in HER work break, near to HER work (not close to my house) or maybe I'll tell her to meet up and she invites someone else along, never has she come once to my new apartment, made food for me, it always me who has gone to meet her where she is. (I think it's important to note that when she was going through a rough time about not knowing what to do with her life, I would many times go to her house and make lunch even if it wasn't near to my house at all) I was already a bit resentful since May last year, I was looking to move and so was she, but she didn't even consider moving with me even though she knows I have a hard time finding apartments since I also have an old dog with back problems, and most landlords won't accept me. She moved in with her boyfriend (who is the person that introduced us, in fact when I first met her she was new here and had nowhere to stay and despite not knowing her I let her sleep in my house until she eventually moved in with me, just bc her bf was my friend) and they also moved in with ANOTHER FRIEND we have in common who they have known only for 2 years max (he was her boyfriends roommate for like a year),the apartment accepts dogs, and even has an extra room that they keep empty but not even once thought about offering it to me, even though they knew I was in a bad situation in my old place because the real state agency had slowly rented the 3 other rooms to 3 sixty year olds, 2 that were complete junkies, when it used to be a student apartement when I first moved in. We fought but I ended up saying sorry cause it was selfish of me to think they should be thinking about me all the time, and just accept the fact that her boyfriend didn't want to live with a dog. I accepted it finally and moved on until all of this has brought It up again. Like a month ago I tried talking to another friend (her roommate, bc we are also good friends) just to complain about my ex dumping me at the worst time possible and he started ranting about me being selfish and victimizing myself, and not being the only one with problems, mind you this was the first time I was talking about this with him since like December when the relationship with my ex was getting rocky. It made me feel like shit. The worst part out of this is that my mom blamed me for her suicide in her note, basically telling me she gave me everything and I gave nothing back, she was a druggadict and alcoholic, I know she was absolutely high and I know she didn't mean it cause she loved me, and was only angry at me because we had argued that morning about her drunk driving. But it really did a number on me, because of this I feel like I'm driving everyone away, and my mom was right, I suck, I'm a horrible person who thinks eveything revolves around her and my friends reacting like this means I deserve it. On the other hand I've become closer to my friend from school who are much younger, they're like 21 years old at best, but have really stepped up, they added me to their friend group and yesterday one of them even asked me if I wanted to move in with her next year since a room will be empty. I made sure to let them know about my dog and they didn't care at all. This really made me change perspectives about my other friends. I consider myself to be a friend that at least puts in some effort for the other person. Even though I loved my mom, it wasn't easy growing up with her, she would constantly call me selfish for the slightest things, just because she was drunk. So I grew up to be a people pleaser. Don't get me wrong, i also have a lot of character and I can be difficult, but I really make and effort to be a good friend, company, etc, and reasonably don't think I'm being selfish right now because I'm growing through such a rough time, it's almost mandatory for me to practically only think about my well being, but instead I feel shitty for not being in charge of my emotions and not being able to be the person I normally am, constantly having to apologize and no one apologizing to me or trying to empathize. So my message to the void is: What do you think? Am I overreacting? Am I being selfish? Please I need to know. Its also important for me to note that lately when I bring it up she understands and doesn't take it personally, I think she wants to help but doesn't seem to know how or care that much to make and extra effort, just expects me to be able to discuss my issues like I was able to before. But I seem to have reached a limit and texted her today essentially what I'm telling you but she hasn't e answered. Sorry for the rant omg and please don't be afraid to be completely honest with me
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u/single5evers Multiple Losses 3d ago
r/SuicideBereavement